New Taylor Swift albums really get to me during release week, because I just look back at my life and where I’ve been and where I’m going. What would I tell myself if I could go back and tell the Meredith who lived in a world where Fearless didn’t exist where she’d be now? Speak Now Meredith? Red? 1989? There are so many different parts of my life that these albums fit into and reputation is really finding its place, which is such an invigorating feeling. When those new songs click with you, it’s like a shot of whiskey that makes your stomach just feel so warm and topsy turvy.
I have so much to thank Taylor for, it really is overwhelming. I met all of my best friends through her, through this damned site I signed up for in 2009 because I thought it would be fun to talk to other people who were really big fans. Taylor has done a lot of beautiful things throughout her career, but bringing people together has been my favorite.
I tried to kill myself towards the end of my junior year of high school, after a snowball of an abusive mother, a rape that stole my virginity, and never being able to make friends at school. This was a few years after I joined tumblr and established a few close knit friendships. Without them being there to talk to me when I got out of the hospital (even when I didn’t necessarily tell them what was going on), I would have absolutely tried again and probably succeeded.
I had people in my corner for what felt like the first time since I was a child. I had Taylor. I had these friends. I kept going because I was excited to see what they were up to, what was going on with Taylor - Even the smallest thing like having Taylor name her cat Meredith was so exciting. I felt like I had my innocence back.
I’ve talked to these friends nearly daily for years and years on end. Even when my world started crumbling again. I had to deal with my mom leaving with no notice because she chose drugs over my dad and myself, I had to deal with my rape kit being thrown out and a case not being pursued, I had to deal with not getting into the college of my dreams in a city I romanticized since I was 8. That’s a LOT for a high schooler to deal with. But I kept moving on, I kept these wonderful friends in my life, I kept Taylor by my side. And I like to think that she wanted to be there. Speak Now and Red found their ways into my daily life, they found their way into being a permanent part of me.
1989 came out a week after I got the voicemail that my mom was dead. She flipped her car because she was driving while high. My grandparents told me not to go the funeral because she wouldn’t have wanted me there. I tried to forget it, but it stung. It still stings. It stings watching all these girls having a mom to talk about things with, run to when their hearts are broken, have a mom they can call a best friend. You know what helped heal the wound? These friends. Talking to them about the album. About our favorite lyrics, what we thought about this song, what would a music video look like for that song? I had a family that was there for me. I was okay.
The 1989 era is when I started meeting these friends. We are “real life” friends now. We hang out on a regular basis. Their hugs are my favorite because they have over 7 years of love enveloped in them. Every time. To see it come full circle, it’s just magical. I would not be who I am, I would not even “be” anymore if it weren’t for these friends. Jordan, Cassie, Kyle, Nicole, Shannon, Julia, April, Brittney, Jenna, if you’re reading this, you would be on my Junior Jewels shirt if I had to make one now.
And now, for reputation? I’m working full time. I’m a “grown up.” I worked my ass off, I moved to that city the college told me I couldn’t, and I did it with the love of my life (to make it that much sweeter). We met in a tiny Starbucks on a icy night in February of 2014 and this June, we dropped everything to try our hand at tackling New York City. Now, every night, the Manhattan skyline is the last thing I see before I go home for the night and I fall asleep next to the man that goes out of his way to prove that he would be cleaning up bottles with me on New Year’s Day. If I had read the Meredith that self harmed and cried every night and every morning this paragraph, she would have laughed in my face. Things really do change and I can finally say that I’m glad that I stuck around to see it happen.
I came out on top because of Taylor and to see her put her own damn self on top really means the world to me. I just really hope that one day, I get to give her the hug that I’ve been saving for 10 years.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. I’m just really grateful for the people I’ve met through Taylor and for Taylor herself. Listening to Our Song in 2007 was one of those pivotal moments in my life and I am so happy that I was hooked on that day. It’s been a really long time since I’ve sat down and typed up why Taylor means so much to me. And this time around, I realize you guys mean just as much to me. I love you.
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