I lost all of my friends because I was domestically abused
I think the worst part about being a private person is that I never spoke up. I never let on to anyone the trouble I had in my relationship. I never had a voice, I was made to feel like I was crazy on a regular basis. When i finally left my husband, I realised something. To everyone I was the bad guy. I tried to explain why I wanted a divorce, that I just couldn't take being controlled and manipulated any longer. But no one believed me because I had never spoken of this before.
My ex husband started running his mouth "shes already in a relationship with another guy" "shes on dating sites" "shes a cold, heartless bitch, I loved her so much". None of this was true. I do not even believe he loved me, he loved the control he had over me. I had people trying to pry information out of me, it felt like a constant battle to maintain a poker face, not giving anything away. They had his version, a twisted version that hardly resembled the truth.
And the truth was simple. I was unhappy, I was tired, I was exhausted from fighting constantly, exhausted because he was trying to turn our children against me, making me out to be a monster.
For 10 years I was with him, I was only 16 when we met. I didnt know any better. I didnt realise I was being controlled.
It all clicked last Christmas. I wanted to go home and see my family, take the kids and go away for a couple of weeks. Oh, the names I was called for even suggesting such a thing... "you're a bitch, how fucking dare you even suggest taking my kids away from me at Christmas time. You are a selfish, cold hearted bitch!"
I was gutted, I tried to explain that I was worried about my pop and didnt know if it would be his last Christmas. But it didn't help, he wouldn't budge; "you are not taking the car and driving for 2 days! I will report it stolen!" "I am not paying for the flights!" I gave up. I was so upset. So angry that he could control me in this way. What I didnt realise then, was that he had done it on purpose to trap me.
From that day things only escalated. I was a photographer and a very active volunteer. I started getting phone calls and messages while I was on shoots or volunteering. "Where are you? When will you be home?"
I was going mad. I didn't know what to do. I felt that he had bound me and was pulling the rope tighter and tighter and I suddenly couldn't breathe.
No one realised. Not one single person realised that something was majorly wrong.
I suddenly couldn't go out with my friends. I couldn't go to the pub. I couldn't go to parties. I couldn't even volunteer and help my community without constant abuse from him.
So the day came when I was so emotionally abused and torn, I wasnt attracted to this mad man that was calling me a crazy ass bitch almost on a daily basis. He wanted to have sex. And i couldnt handle it. I could not. I said no. He cracked the shits, emotionally abusing me, something he was very good at. I agreed. It felt like rape. I didnt want his hands on me. I didnt want him to touch me. And I knew then, that was the end for me. I didnt want to be with him anymore.