Z73.0 Burnout

Clarence Rae, 20+. Quezon City 1102. Swiftie. Tumblr Ask I stud(ied) psychology, (used to) sing for a band called Team! Fall Back, play short songs as in the water i am beautiful, and write stuff as jetaimelamort semi-colon cancer. ////// Twitter // Facebook // ask.fm //////

[clarencerae]

https://soundcloud.com/inthewateriambeautiful/sms

[clarencerae]

https://soundcloud.com/inthewateriambeautiful/maybethesimpletruthwoulddo

[semicoloncancer]

About You;

In hindsight, there is not much of anything we can build a foundation from. There are quiet moments composed of sighs and stares that won’t amount to anything from anyone but me. From your perspective, that I’m not sure of. Do you still remember those nights? Or are there nothing in them that can make you remember? Are the streets we walked in tirelessly the same as we had the previous night? Did we not fulfill the potential that loomed over us? The potential that I still cling onto even years after.

I have tried replacing everything in my life that is you. Your smell, the films we saw and those you would want to see, books we loved and hated, TV shows that we spent nights distracting us from knowing each other better (scared of the fact that some information may make or break what we already have then however meagrely), long drives, driving in general, the bands we want to watch, the bands we watched as I fell in love with you, the bands you love that I hated, the music that I like that you never said you can’t enjoy, the beer bottles we never emptied, the beer bottles I emptied because of you, bus rides, everything. I have tried forgetting all of the parts: the bests, the worsts, and the in-betweens. However, they all still lead to you.

When you said you don’t want this anymore: “I don’t want this anymore.” You meant it. I asked why: “Why? What do you mean?” I have more words to ask out of puzzlement. It was almost my birthday and you said “I don’t want this anymore” which you never answered the questions “Why? What do you mean?” You just said: I just don’t want it anymore. And the vagueness resonated like the vagueness of the relationship that we had. Answering a question posed so much difficulty.

Will you still remember the nights that never needed answers?

Will you still remember the mornings we wake up after those nights?

Will I be in any of your remembrances?

The people that came after you gave me so much hope that it can blur out what’s screaming right at my face. They muffled the noise of your memory in my head repeating over and over again. But still remain persistent like a bee.

They are people I have looked right into. Their eyes are not as brown as yours but they are in some way calm enough to make me believe that I am seen differently. They are people that are not you. They are people that will never be you. Sometimes they ask me: “Tell me about your past?” How I became who I am, who I offered pagmamahal to, who broke my heart, what mistakes I have committed, things I am proud of, all that was before them.

I answer them in vivid detail: of past lovers and lovers past; of journeys, the stories behind them, and the people I shared them with; my family, my friends, my enemies; my kinks; my regrets. All of them in vivid detail. I guess this is to tell them that these are all the details I can give you about things I can let go. Are stories a way of wearing things out? Repeatedly marking them over and over and over, highlighting them as if they haven’t been before, making them tombstones filled with melted candles yet to be scraped? And you: you’re the only one I can never detail vividly.

Is it because I don’t remember the nights spent together and their details?

Is it because I don’t care for the mornings I wake up after those nights?

Is it because you’re not in any of my remembrances?

If you (can) still remember (and cherish) the past that is us please enclose it tightly in a box and treasure it for me. I won’t remember them for you anymore. Please don’t remember them for me. I may not need constant reminder of the past that is us so please enclose it tightly in a box and treasure it for me. The same tired stories of everything and anything that is not you is on display accumulating dust. I keep your stories somewhere. I may not find it easily but I know they’re there. I have images of its contents before I closed it up, sealed. I don’t need constant reminder. Of the past that is us. So please enclose it tightly in a box. And treasure it for me.

I will still look for you in everything. I will still search for parts of you in everyone. I will still feel the same longing for things that I do that could’ve been with you. I will still itch for every possibility. I will still and will always know the disappointment in not finding the whole of you in any of it all.

[clarencerae]

Ang tagal ko nang ‘di nakakapagsulat. Yehey.

[shangulet]

first zine!!!! sa wakas natapos ko na rin toh, buong taon ko siya ginawa jusko. mostly dahil nahirapan ako kung sinong tao ba dapat ang ilagay sa specific letter ganun, at siyempre kung anung memorya. pero kinilig ako nung natapos ko na tong front cover, ito na yung huling parte ng drawing eh.

edit, scan at pagprint na lang ng mga kopya. hindi parin ako makapaniwala na natapos ko toh, first time ko lang makatapos nang mahaba-habang project

[shangulet]

4x // there was a great part of my recent years dedicated to yours (i’m happily liking someone else now, it’s just today would have meant something else)

letting go - guest house / i’ll support that - joie de vivre / never meant - american football / vernacular spectacular - bicycle sunday / chase, i hardly know ya - marietta / carry you over - tigers jaw

20min. 36.20mb. link: (x)

[clarencerae]

a bulk of daily tracks because i’ve been terribly sad and busy

jan3: tv on the radio - wolf like me

i can barely watch the film without thinking of you

jan4: john mayer - my stupid mouth

what happened here

jan5: *nsync - this is promise you

christian’s birthday, a team building, a van ride back to the office, cubao expo, today x future, and a broken phone.

jan6: ang bandang shirley - xmas lights

“feel ko iiyakan mo yan” “ahahahahaha yan yata ang most number of cries in a song ko”

jan7: oh, flamingo! - june

you didn’t show up.

jan8: white lies - death

you would’ve loved the film

jan9: johnoy danao - kung ‘di man

i would then listen to johnoy danao for the rest of the week

jan10: johnoy danao - bakuran

mas malaking takot ang “may pangambang may mawawala” higit pa sa ganda ng pantasya ng “ating tuldukan, ilang taonn na pagpapanggap na walang nagaganap sa t’wing nabubura ang patlang sa’ting mga kamay.”

jan11: dads - do you still think of me

You can’t hold onto everything for ever, or that’s what I tell myself. One time i tried getting better, that didn’t really help. I promised I wouldn’t talk about it yet here I am, I can’t get past that summer or the scars you left.

jan12: the jerks - sayaw sa bubog

happy birthday domeng (noon ko lang din napanood ang adinkra. ang ganda.)

jan13: one direction - night changes

i forgot the actual one direction song that actually played when we were waiting for kuya’s new car which i drove for them. i forgot the song before weezer while we were driving. i forgot the weezer song. of course, one direction (and driving) reminded me of you.

jan14: spongecola - dragonfly

you flew away and i was left inside without a clue

jan15: carpenters - rainy day and mondays

listening to random songs old people like in between of family tension. later that night, i had the worst fight with my father.

jan16: a perfect circle - 3 libras (live at fuji rock festival)

difficult not to feel a little bit disappoint and passed over when i’ve looked right through: see you naked but oblivious...and you don’t see me.

...

you don’t see me at all.

jan17: bruno mars - versace on the floor

why did the gym have to repeat this song the entire evening???

jan18: the beatles - across the universe

a. despedida for domeng. a guitar. musicians, cyclists, artists, activists, educators, writers, people. bell pepper, onion, garlic sauce, tomatoes, pork. songs, jokes, poetry, stories.

b. stories about you were said like looking back 2 years ago as if it was yesterday. the same feeling, even more intense, flowed through my veins.

jan19: gagong rapper - sana

i went out with someone. it was fun. she was pretty and young. someone i’d actually go out with. but again, as i always say: i look for parts of you in everyone and get disappointed because it’s not the whole of you.

[clarencerae]

jan2: johnoy danao - buntong-hininga

nanood ako kanina ng mariquina sa opisina. (patawad nag-youtube: namirata ng pelikula, nagleisure sa trabaho) okay naman siya tungkol sa pamilya. nanood ako kanina ng vince & kath & james pagtapos ng opisina. okay naman din siya tungkol sa pag-ibig pero tungkol sa pamilya.

pagtapos umuwi na rin naman na agad ako.

mula new year’s eve hanggang new year hanggang ngayon. sa tuwing liliko na ako sa street namin, laging buntong-hininga ang tugtog. sa tuwing tutugtog, magulang ko lang ang iniisip ko.

pagtapos ng new year, medyo may kakaiba, hindi ko alam kung itinatago ng nanay ko o tahimik lang siya. na magkatabi silang natutulog na ulit.

hindi ko alam mararamdaman ko.

[clarencerae]

hi, i’m back.

jan1: death cab for cutie - new year (live at the opera house)

january 1, 2015 was my first entry for this idea i had: one track a day. it was on for months on end until i decided to end it as, then i thought, symbolism for moving on from someone whom i still i haven’t moved an inch away. my feelings for her remain as the best memories ignite the same heart that loved her unwittingly.

january 1, 2017 i decided to resume such commitment. the first song that i heard 2 years ago was a backstreet boys song (not this. this song was my october 9th entry) (i just searched it: one phone call)

january 1, 2016 i made resolutions i did not follow. or so i think they’re resolutions at all. nevertheless, the just-ended year was a total fail for me despite few achievements.

january 1, 2015 i still hold on to you

january 1, 2017 this is the new year and i have no resolutions

january 1, 2016 i thought i can move on

january 1, 2015 i will feel this way for you for a long time

january 1, 2017 this is the new year and i don’t feel any different

january 1, 2016 i thought i will move on

[clarencerae]

i remember writing cookie crumbs and other things and the compilation/zine that i sold before. i’m a terrible memory keeper but i still remember those times not too vividly but clearly enough. they’re very special, those two, it felt like i could actually tell people stories in my own way. i didn’t have to tell anyone otherwise.

i can’t remember the first time i listend to tigers jaw but the first time i cried along it was with chemicals. i listened it through and through and related to it more than once and to more than one reception (counting God). it felt more special with a certain friend.

i remember writing the letters with you that day we last met. only a couple of times but we did what we could do with our time. they were short and special. i gave you my (spare) shirt, and here you are giving one to me.

---

pumunta ako kanina ng post office one week na ang nakalipas nung huli. wala pa no’n ‘yung padala, 21 nun at 28 ngayon. kanina, pagdating na pagdating ko, pinakita ko na agad ‘yung tracking numberi nung parcel na binigay mo sa’kin nung unang attempt kong pumunta do’n para iclaim ‘yung kung ano man ‘yung pinadala mo. wala akong ideya bukod sa nung binigay mo ‘yung mismong litrato ng resibo na nakalagay “shirt”.

medyo nawalan ng thrill ‘yung pagkuha ko sa totoo lang pero iniisip ko ano kayang damit ‘yun, ‘no? tinanong mo sa’kin nun kung ano ang paboritong la dispute song ko tapos sinabi ko naman, akala ko ‘yun na ‘yon. excited na akong suotin. sa totoo lang, hindi pala.

kanina, do’n sa may post office may dalawang koreano na parang may gagawing masama dahil wala silang dalang ID at kahina-hinala ‘yung mga laptop na kinuha nila. may dumating din na magkapatid, ‘yung isa batang-bata pa, ‘yung isa kaedad ko ata, sobrang ganda. tinignan ko lang siya, kahit alam kong rude ‘yon. na-claim ko na ‘yung parcel at lumabas ng building.

‘di pa ako nakakalabas ng gate, sinira ko na ‘yung seal nung package at tinignan ang nasa loob. white shirt at isang envelope. sulat na naman, yahoo. ‘di ko pa hinila palabas ‘yung damit at hinintay makapunta ng sidewalk para mas dramatic ang datingan. nung panahon n a’yon, nakit ako nang may pusong pula. pamilyar. tinignan. tama ang hula.

umiiyak na ako by that time. nanginginig na ang kamay ko at nahirapang buksan ang liham. nakita ko may drawing ‘di ko alam kung ano. nakita ko may brown paper ‘yun na agad ang binuksan ko at may logo ng kung saan huli kaming nagkasama. kung sa’n kami nagsulatan. ‘di ko pa nababasa hanggang ngayon ang laman, unti-unting salita lang ang nabasa ko dahil sa pag-iyak. iginuhit niya raw ‘yung naimagine niyang cover ng libro/zine ko. wala akong ibang nagawa kundi magpunas ng luha.

naglakad ako nang malayo mula post office hanggang trinoma kahit madumi ang hangin at delikado ang daan. nagpatugtog ako ng panay tigers jaw at tumugtog ang arms across america. ako rin ‘yun ang gusto kong sabihin sa’yo: i’m so happy you’re alive!

takits next year.

[wearestill-kids]

i just want to have a long makeout session

[clarencerae]

sobrang hassle kasi sa sobrang lungkot ko, ayoko na magstatus na parang kailangan may makiramay sa’kin. na kailangan may kumausap. nakakainis kasi parang naiinggit na lang ako sa iba na may dumaramay sa mga problema nila pero ako kasi di ko alam kung ano pinagdadaanan ko at ramdam ko na hindi naman ako dapat pagtuunan ng pansin dahil wala naman akong problema ata talaga, eto lang, pagkatao ko lang. sobrang toxic ko, poisonous ganyan, ‘di ko na alam.

ang nakakainis pa: ang kabaligtaran no’n ang gusto ko. na hindi ko gusto. ang gulo. na parang kailangan gusto ko maglabas at may lumapit sa’kin para dumamay, ‘yung talagang lumapit, hindi ‘yung superficial lang ang lahat. kulang na kulang na ako sa human intimacy. buong buhay ko na lang. siguro dahil dineprive ko lang rin ang sarili ko. pero nakakainis na ‘yung point na parang walang may pakielam. sobrang ‘di ko na alam.

[clarencerae]

10.09.15

backstreet boys - as long as you love me

i admit, i cheated on this. i can’t remember what song was that but it played on the radio that friday morning and i love friday mornings because i don’t usually go to work and i forgot if this was the week that i went to work for 12 days straight. nonetheless, it was on the radio. i just set foot on the first floor of this two-storey house. and it played. slowly. but i couldn’t remember. maybe this was actually it. and i even sang and danced in the shower. wait why did i shower that day? ah fuck.

[clarencerae]

10.08.15

luther vandross - i'd rather

can you believe that the only song i heard that day was the entirety of this song while we were buying brownies in 7-11? i know i hated this day. just by that.

[clarencerae]

10.07.15

brian mcknight - back at one

the karaoke’s audio went silent after singing the first verse and instead iwe all sang in unison the chorus of my request. there were plenty of other songs that we sang that night. there were also too many emotions. there were also too many bottles of beer. there were also too many things to say. there were also too little time to be spent together. we spend our mornings in meeting rooms but we have since then capped it off when we changed sides. the floor seems cracked.

[clarencerae]

10.06.15

you blew it! - the fifties

yeah maybe i should stop falling for every beautiful set of brown eyes just like your brown eyesdlsafsk,a.zksjdfsl

[clarencerae]

10.05.15

mae - embers and envelopes

and this day, i was so fucking tired because i was so fucking sad.

alternate caption:

embers: burning bridges down; envelopes; stuffed with feelings found; writing: means to reconcile.

[clarencerae]

10.04.15

story of the year - anthem of our dying day (acoustic)

and this day, i got drunk as fuck because i was sad as fuck.