LETHE , EMBODIED AND REBORN ; YET GUILT STILL TROUBLED HER MORE SO THAN OBLIVION . WAS SHE NOT HOLY ? / arguing with him never ends favorably , it seems ; her hands shake but the work is done ; 10 baby blue clouds in her soft hands . there are tears that collect behind her lids, but she cannot let the rain fall along the sky’s clouds . not when they were so brand new and stained the color of the sky ; it would not rain on them . so she sets them aside , and suddenly unoccupied hands fidget and dance ; like her pupils as she watches his antics .
she reads him like the elders read the sun dial . can see the flaws in the mask , and between those cracks are insecurities . that softer man that would crawl into her arms and rest there . the softer man that would stay at her place for weeks at a time , make her breakfast and sing her songs in a language she never really cared for but learned anyway . the man that was hesitant in touching her , but would moan under her ministrations . her words read as exasperated when she talks . ❛ god you are so painfully unfair ; everything has to go YOUR way or you just can’t stand it right.❜ the stars that glitter against her eyelashes fall like comets streaking across the sky . that wasn’t a cosmic event , those were her tears and they roll despite her best effort to keep them at bay . ❛ do you ever think of others when you speak like this ? ❜
she wants to let him go , wants to let him WALK OUT OF HER LIFE . she was a mother , and she was grown ; too old to be dealing with children that were far beyond the age of babysitting . but she’s petty , for a moment , and she wants the last word . how dare he make her cry ; mother’s day sits heavily in the back of her mind , her sons wanted to make something for her . it had made her giddy , when her ex had told her as much . how dare he make her cry when her life was going so tangibly well despite everything she had been through.
❛ you are so selfish , i can’t stand it . you know you matter to me , you always have. ❜ she sneers , slamming a hand down along marble counter tops , the force cracks the surface – fissures web from epicenter outward ; it would need to be replaced. ❛ you have so thoroughly tried to tear me down , no matter how many times i’ve tried to help you . you ask me ‘how long’ instead of asking about how my children are when i got visit them ; you are apart of my life , but you chose to be a bad part of it because you cannot control yourself when you don’t get your way. so you know what , jesse , you hurt everyone you care about because you're so thoroughly scared of letting others in. ❜
❛ i understand your motivations , your illnesses , and your paranoia . but i refuse to be treated like this . and if you cannot learn to treat others better you’re going to be alone ; or worse , you’ll end up like your parents . superficial and awful. ❜
he sees himself reflected in the silver of her tears , though how often it was that he used to feel the sorrow within him but was unable to express it . where he wished to cry but could not . 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐋𝐘 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐃 𝐇𝐈𝐌 , when he could not talk nor move and as frozen as his body was , he could not even breathe to let tears fall . `& now , for that , the guilt eats him alive . no , he knows how it feels to want to cry , and how it feels to be so completely terrified of doing so . façade shatters like the counter top when she breaks her fist down upon it `& his only response is a momentary panic . 𝐋𝐈𝐌𝐁𝐒 𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐅𝐅𝐄𝐍 , 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐓𝐒 .
she tells him everything that he already knows , everything that he tells himself he is prepared for . but he knows , without shadow of a doubt , that he could never be prepared . so many times he has ghosted in , and out , of another’s life . 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐄 𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐒 𝐀𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐎𝐍𝐄𝐃 . but each time he became a little closer to feeling his shadow than the man who was casting it . he was already alone . because she was right : he was despairingly frightened of what he was beneath the mask . he was not cruel , 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 . but choice lay between cruel and invisible , `& he was tired of both . it was so much easier to pretend to be someone else . HE IS NEITHER A MAN NOR A SHADOW , BUT SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN .
he is silent for a long while ; unable to find it in him to voice any word that perhaps he should be speaking . he knows he could stop . 𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐍𝐘 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐅𝐑𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐘 . but even the thought alone brings an icy cold shard to dig through his heart , and his blood runs winter . the mention of his parents makes the ice grow , his mamma who he used to love so dearly , and his papa he remembers now for his position at the kitchen table as he stared at his son in disappointment . 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐄𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌 . now he stands still , motionless , like a statue as sickness swims in the pit of his stomach . and even though he could admit it to himself , to admit it to another was like resigning one’s self to their will . to admit that he was so scared of being alone that everything he did to prevent it isolated him further .
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