i...gonna be honest...even tho i had got new friends...and i still by my boyfriend's side on Discord...i hasn't feel the best...of course i enjoy talk to them...they help me...but...when are these times...or when is around 1-2-3 am...is so quiet...or when i have rn to get up early to take care of my dad's basics needs because he still on recovery from surgery...i feel i can't...i can't deal with my life...i feel...every day it gets more...and more difficult to...get up and do...something....to get up and live...to get up and find a motivation to keep going...firstly my dad's surgery from kidney stones...had affected me and idk if for good...or for bad...i had been...feeling plain...i no want say he had been a extra charge on my shoulders...a waste of energy...but...tbh lately i no even had taken good care of myself for like take care at times of a human on recovery...second, our founds as family...are horrible, we are at board of a thread, hanging there...we have much bills, 3 months of hasn't pay for water or internet service...much places where to pay lean and lean...we are even on risk of lose our house, to let you see how horrible our living situation is right now...i every day find less appealing wake up...eat...drink...even shower is a big burden...and of course i have...to be there for my dad right now...but...but...they never was for me and never will be...they push my mental state away...they pressure me to work when they know i have hard insomnia...i sleep at goddamn 5 am, fucking 5 am and work at night lead to a big risk of be robbed, kidnapped or killed on one night...but of course i can't cry...i can't let them see how...horribly i am as days...months...years passes by
i am so tired...i am tired of wear a mask and pretend i no care or pretend i am fine when everyday i am withering more...and more...because "my problems aren't real...my problems aren't a real problem....i no lived what they lived for need therapy and they deserve it more than me" i can't stand more this pain...maybe that's why i hasn't been on mood too for post art as before...i even had lost the will to even art...
and you know? i even had been thinking my parents are at this situation because of me...for my fault...i always felt they never loved me in the moment the doctor told em somehow i was gonna "be lazy" just for a fact i born asleep...they had the opportunity to kill me...to not suffer, when i was newborn i was drowning myself with being sick, yeah on less of 24 hours i was sick with flu why save someone who will make your life impossible...?
...why i feel so useless...so...selfish....?
why this pain doesn't disappear...?
why can't i...just finish myself...?
i am a believer coward...thinking if i kill myself i would go to hell and...the less i want is suffer more after die
i just want peace...i want sleep forever...but i can't...everyday is the same....an apparently endless cicle
"wake up, do something for your house even if is little, game, being told i am useless and lazy, overthink, sleep, repeat"
how much i would do...for just a little bit of peace on my life...for stop the voices...for stop the thoughts...
how much i would do for no end alone and no disappoint anyone anymore...
how much i would do for finally let this apparently endless loop end...
how much i wish...my parents actually cared for me...for once on their lives...how much i wish be on the grasp of my grandma and grandpa sleeping forever like they do
i am sorry...i...i just needed...
...needed post it...maybe...maybe even as an...announcement of why...lack and absence of art...
