I am THAT girl. I’m the church girl. I’m the good girl. I’m the ‘don’t invite her, she doesn’t drink", girl. I’m the do your job girl. Work harder than anyone else girl. You’re athletic, you’re smart, you’re “not those” girls… girl I’m the “don’t have sex” girl. The… you’re not a SINNER girl. I’m the don’t shame, don’t fuck up, don’t disappoint them girl. I’m the … you’re 21 girl, the ‘you can live now’ girl, the your parents are going crazy, do whatever you want now’ girl. I’m the swearing is FUN girl, your brother in law thinks this is funny, girl… I’m the … let’s get married girl. I’m the MOM girl. I’m the … this shit is so much harder than I thought, girl. I’m the —– I want more love than this girl. I’m the WOMAN girl… the … maybe I deserve more than this, girl. I’m the - ‘there’s nothing wrong with me, this is just a universally difficult time’ girl. I’m the fuck this, girl. I’m the— someone else can love me, this can be better, girl. I’m the oops, I was wrong girl- this JOB will save me girl. This job will validate me and make me believe that I’m ok, girl. I’m the I need wine every night, girl. I’m the life is kicking my ass, girl. I’m the … there’s no one who will put up with my reality, girl. I’m the bandaid girl. I’m the “I can fix this” girl. I’m the “if I don’t drink, no one will like me”, girl. I’m the fix-it girl. I’m the “I’ve fucked up so much shit, I have to try to fix it, again” girl. I’m the … “this is better” … “this looks pretty” girl… this looks like the life that my 17 year old self was certain I need to make happen and so… it must be right, girl. …wine….vodka…wine….vodka…vodka… vodka… One single person who I thought cared for me came forward and said … Martha has a problem, Martha is a bad person, Martha is LESS THAN. And suddenly, something changed. It wasn’t what you’d think. It wasn’t a positive - it was an effort to prove to this person that they were wrong. That I was NORMAL. That I was that sweet little abstaining high school dame. But… I wasn’t. And the inside betrayal only made the addiction grow. It only made me dig deeper to prove I was fine. But… truth be told, I wasn’t fine. I dug for reinforcements - I RUN, I’m FINE. I’m a marathoner, IM FINE, I’ve had an entire year of PRs, I’m fine, I’m a wonderful mother (as confirmed by many ladies) I’M FINE, I’m FIT, I’m FINE. I have a JOB, I’m fine. People like me, I’M fine. All the while… I’m NOT fine. Me and alcohol, honestly, we’ve never been fine. From my first night of drinking I’ve been a self proclaimed hot mess. My bother in law probably tagged it lost accurately early on… “You don’t know how to just maintain a buzz” I’m sure he didn’t know at the time, but that’s code for an alcoholic… we always want… more. I always needed to take it one step further. That one step honestly never raised a flag. If you asked my best friend, my closest family member or even my sister for the majority of the years - I was FINE. I was actually better than fine. I was the buddy who was always ok. I was ok to drive, I wasn’t sloppy drunk, I could keep my shit together no mattter how many glasses of merlot, or … later in the game … vodka waters I had downed. No matter what… I was fine. Except for … when I wasn’t. Except for when I needed my mom to come talk my off the ledge. Except for when I got home, but wasn’t sure how. Except for when I woke up so hungover that my long run had to be canceled because I “had an upset stomach” all night. This couldn’t be me… it literally couldn’t. I was too holy, I didn’t have any of the signs … my parents were good, we never had a drop of alcohol in our house. My high school years were good, I didn’t even get invited to the “bad” parties because everyone knew I was a “good girl”. My college years were sober, likely saving me from many regretful decisions … And yet … here I am… almost 34 years old and knowing - without a doubt, that somehow alcohol took the upper hand in my life. Alcohol made some decisions that I wish I could deflect, but most of all, knowing that no matter how many years you spend thinking you’ve taken the moral higher ground, things can go wrong. And because of that, and because of so many stories I have left to share, I know that LOVE and acceptance are such an important part of being a human being— and I pray that we can all find those traits somehow. More to come… #MD
