🌻

Some thoughts.

[clean--young--mess]

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Ray-Ban Sunglasses

[clean--young--mess]

[clean--young--mess]

My boyfriend always asks me if I've taken my medication, if I've eaten and if I've drank. I've never once heard him say I look skinny or thin, he tells me I'm beautiful and healthy. I don't even know if he does these things on purpose but they stick in my mind more than anything. When I'm sad or anxious he doesn't get cross, he asks how he can make it better and does all the little things I feel like I can't do like washes up and brings me good food. He screenshots my selfies I send him, I can't even imagine how many he has saved on his phone. When I'm self conscious I'm bloated after food, he tells me he loves me best that way because I'm well fed, happy and looked after. He kisses my head and holds my hand. And I've never in my life felt so loved and understood and seen. I've never felt so cared for and wanted and like I have true meaning. Even if I end up with nothing in life, if I have him and all the wonderful little things he does, I wouldn't change it for the world.

[clean--young--mess]

[clean--young--mess]

Do you ever just wish you met someone before you were so damaged. Then they could have seen the real, whole version of you, that isn't so scared and guarded. The pure version that isn't so full of pain and trauma responses. I wish I'd known him before all the hurt, he'd have loved me even more than he does now.

[clean--young--mess]

I've decided I'm officially done with self sabotage and not allowing myself to be happy. Time to let go of pain and trauma. I'm tired of doing stupid shit which ends in me being hurt, I'm fully aware I'm doing it on purpose people I think I deserve to be hurt.

Just want to let go and be happy.

[clean--young--mess]

Swear my heads so fucked, it's not normal to so easily go from so attached to unattached so fast like I don't even feel anything.

[clean--young--mess]

Heads so fucked already knew the change of day to day would do this, surely if you doubt something this much it means its not for you???

[clean--young--mess]

[clean--young--mess]

[clean--young--mess]

[clean--young--mess]

[clean--young--mess]

Today I heard what was my first dance song for the first time in a long time and was completely unbothered by it. Feeling clear and proud.

[clean--young--mess]

It's not for the best!

Focus and give your time to what you love and I promise, eventually the voices do fade...

♡♡♡

This is really so so sweet you wonderful human ❤️ thank you for taking time out of your day to make someone else's better ❤️

[clean--young--mess]

Today's been unbelievably difficult and I am sitting on the edge of a relapse which is terrifying. I worked so hard to break down the negative relationship I had with food for most my life and now I don't even know what to do with the thoughts that I'm having, they're all too familiar but also so alien. It's probably for the best, it needs to happen I suppose.

[clean--young--mess]

[clean--young--mess]