I Will Always Love You

Always

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April 7th, 2019

Dear Suelin,

The pain I am experiencing is growing more and more each day. I did not expect this, it definitely is the worst of them all. I still want to push for you to grow and for myself too. But damn if I don’t want to kiss you and hold you. I am trying to find myself and it’s sort of progressing in the right direction. My only thought is I wanna go through this journey with you by my side.

I am sorry for everything. Every time I’ve hurt you. I don’t know how to have you forgive me, but just know I am sorry. You were my everything and sadly I was not yours. I made a grand mistake, but never in my mind I was thinking of being unfaithful. Not then, not now, not ever. Anyway, I thought out of all people you would know that, and maybe you need time. Space. Independence. Freedom.

Sorry I didn’t mean to make this self pitying. Push yourself for more. Let me be sad for the both of us.

Remember to keep on smiling, Beautiful.

With all my love and then some,

Frank.

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April 6th, 2019

Dear Suelin,

You looked gorgeous today. Absolutely stunning. Whoever saw you tonight was quite lucky.

You have the beauty that glows so bright it could make the sun retire. Your face always brightened my days.

Spent most of the day at Nano’s playing with son, Antonio, and working on some house chores for Nano and going through my car. I got new windshield wipers haha. Not that exciting of a day, but it was sort of relaxing.

I cannot stop thinking about you. I love you so much.

Keep on smiling, Beautiful.

With all my love and then some,

Frank.

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April 5th, 2019

Dear Suelin,

You look great. I am glad you’re feeling great and confident in yourself again. I thought this would get easier but it’s for some reason getting tougher.

I noticed that even in complete silence I cannot hear my own heartbeat. I can’t even feel it beat. And that’s okay, I truly have you my heart and I don’t mind. Every night I wish you’ll open the door to the bedroom and come lie next to me. You wouldn’t have to say anything, I wouldn’t say anything. I would hold you, and keep you close to me.

Today I went shopping after the gym. Just got a few things. I bought a book to learn how to draw. Since I’m trying to be more into graphic design and etc. number one tip was to at least learn to draw. So in 30 days we shall see if I can draw !

I look forward to seeing you in my dreams. Remember to keep on smiling, Beautiful.

With all my love and then some,

Frank.

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April 4th, 2019

Dear Suelin,

How is everything? Are you eating well? I hope you’re doing all the stuff you are wanting to do. You were always risk taker, so keep that ambition going. Find yourself.

I actually can’t believe I’ve been able to do my skincare in the mornings. I haven’t noticed anything yet, still stressed out I suppose. Work is still a mess. I have to do a solo interview tomorrow.. it’s quite demoralizing when my own manager doesn’t know what to look for in a candidiate.

It finally hit me a couple nights ago.. I cried over you. I am okay. I’ve been watching a lot of romance films lately. Nothing beats our film though. I’ll let you know if I come across another good one.

Keep on smiling, Beautiful.

With all my love and then some,

Frank.

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April 3rd, 2019

Dear Suelin,

I hope all is well. I am sure you’re doing great. I hope Boba is well too. Make sure she’s get her exercise she was getting quite big, and now she’s at the resort, that’s risky business.

Today was alright. I suppose we should’ve talked more about our days to each other. Though you always tell me things and I love listening. Charlie came back from China and brought some candies. This one candy I tried was like those Caramel hard candies but there was something on it that was super gross. I had to spit that part out. Will say Chinese candy is hit or miss. Not much else at work... Going to Nano’s home on Saturday. He’s helping me with my car maintenance. Finished up my skin routine for the day. I’ll have to share pics I suppose of progress. See if the products work. Anyway(s), I will look forward to dreaming about you.

Keep on smiling, Beautiful.

With all my love and then some,

Frank

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April 2, 2019

Dear Suelin,

Today was a good day, work wise. Finally will be done with a nightmare project that has been dragging on for almost two years... had dinner with the Team. Pretty good seafood place. Wally’s Chowder broiler house in Des Moines. We should go there sometime, or you should. I got the almond crusted halibut, it came with mushroom sauce but I would’ve asked for it on the side if you were with me. I started some skincare. Thought I might as well start taking even better care of myself haha.

I hope all is well and that you’re still continuing your sober path. You’re looking better each day. Keep smiling, Beautiful.

With all my love and then some,

Frank.

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April 1, 2019

Dear my Love,

Back here again... you are still and will be the greatest love of mine. I miss you very much. I want you to be happy and mature as a lover. The one that eclipses this version of you will be the luckiest man in the whole universe. I am glad to have loved and received love from you.

Keep on smiling my Love.

With all my love and then some,

Frank

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May 27, 2016

Dear Suelin, I miss you so much... I would love to tell you, but it's so redundant and I don't think you wanna hear it all the time. Especially over this long weekend, Ima be so sad and lonely. Gosh, you're amazing. I enjoy every moment with you and it's still not enough you... Your sleeping face, one good morning kiss, your smile, makes my day. I love you with all my heart. I'll miss you this weekend Frank.

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Dear Suelin, I love you. I'll never stop fighting for you. Frank

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May 20, 2016

You're going to meet someone who is going to be your world.

You'll always want their attention. You will want to know about their day and how they are doing. When they are sick, you worry more than you should.

When they are sad or stressed, you will constantly remind them it's okay and they are strong enough to get through it.

You'll support them in all their dreams and goals.

When they want you to spend time with them, you'll jump at it because nothing makes you happier than them.

You could be with them for days doing nothing and that would be worth it.

You won't be able to sleep, til you know they are safe and sound or in your arms.

You'll call them, and text them when they go missing or when your attempts go unanswered.

You'll remember so much about them, because they are so, if not the most important person in your life.

You'll have minimal fights, and if you do it wouldn't be about anything serious because you'd take your relationship seriously.

You won't have to compare or envy other couples, because you know nothing beats what you have with them.

You are this someone to me, and I enjoyed every second of my life with you as my lover.

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May 16, 2016

Dear Suelin,

Well, I can’t take my eyes off you still. You have this way with me, and make me feel so good and happy. I don’t think that will ever go away.. I mean I still love you. But I’m realizing, I’m really not what you want. I know what you want in someone, what you need. I’ve tried being that, I’m still trying foolishly to be ‘it’. I’m reaching, hoping I have a chance. But no amount of drunk calls, texts or nights will alter the chance I have. Not even the lonely nights where you fall asleep with me on the other side. Nor the sexual temptations you want with me. I’m just not what you want every second of every minute of every hour of every day, not anymore at least. And you deserve more. You definitely do. You need someone who has great ambitions like you, someone who is successful and has a good head on their shoulders, someone who always has a plan, and can carry out that plan, someone who is smart, charming, gets along with your friends and family, treats you right, pushes you, and makes you feel loved. Frankly, I never had big ambitions I just wanted to impact the world with something. With my creativity or knowledge but I didn’t know in what and still don’t. I’m by no means successful in your eyes or by anyone over there. I have plans, but they always have to be altered. I have a decent head but mainly a good heart. The only goals I held for me personally started when I met you. I’ve worked hard to reach each of them, and still have more to accomplish. I may be a turtle in this race of life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t do what I say I will. Loving you, getting my grades up, getting a job there. I suppose I just take a little longer and you want someone at your own pace.

Sorry you had to fall in love with me. Frank

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May 13, 2016

Dear Suelin, It will always be you. In the end it'll be you. Don't ask me to move on or let go. Love is a more than just a choice, and as I'm choosing to love you it's also a feeling. Loving you makes me happy. Dreaming of my future with you, gives me motivation and hope. I can't stop falling in love with you. Have a goodnight, sleep well. With love, Frank

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May 12, 2016

Dear Suelin,

It’s nice to know you’re happy for me about getting the job. But I guess now that we are going to be so close, I’m still too far. Funny how that works out. Maybe if I was 5 min away, with a 80k paying job things may have been different? Maybe not. I truly don’t know what’s so bad about me. There is something wrong with me that just doesn’t sit well with you. You say direction, but I feel like I can only go up from here now. I have ambition, drive, perseverance, courage, and I’d say intelligence. Maybe I’m missing something idk. Selfishness? You always ripped me up for things I did or didn’t do. Skipping school, playing too much games, not doing enough. I admit Id messed up, but I kept my promise, yea it took longer than expected. But I did it. I’m pretty impatient, but I don’t think I’ve ever ripped you for anything. Haha even when you grinded on that guy when we were dating. I was more concerned where you were and if you were okay. I guess those things aren’t important. The 100 missed phone calls. The 60 where are you and are you okay texts. Always wanting your attention and what not. As impatient as I am, I am always patient with you. I’m forgiving as well. And maybe you can’t forgive me for certain things I did. Like not getting an internship. Or getting all A’s (I tried though). I’m not hear to say you were a bad girlfriend or anything like that. Or I’m a better person. Everyone has their flaws, I know I have mine. Not following through, but that type of thing wasn’t important and I realize steps need to be taken in order to get to the goal quicker. Had I done all that, I’m sure I’d be in your arms right now. But I’m also sure if you had the patience and support for me you’d be excited and craving the day I come and move permanently.

I’m not perfect, but I definitely try to be for you. And you know what maybe I’ll never be enough for you. But I don’t think I’ll stop trying, as silly as that may seem. I’d give up my reputation for my friends for you. What my family thinks of me. What anyone thinks of me. My own career path. My own personal dreams. Because you became it. You became my sole motivator for everything. You became my goals, and dreams. To have you happy. Your goals became mine. Your dreams became mine too. I wanted to share happiness with you. To have that effect on someone must be amazing. But I’m not special, Victor sees you this way, and I’m sure your next boyfriend will too. I don’t give you up and I don’t try to stay mad at you and have ill feelings towards you. I only want the best for you. And i know I may put myself down a lot. But I am confident when I look at myself and when I see how we are together. I am the best for you… But again that’s just my perspective. You don’t think I am for you. Anyways, goodnight. Sleep well. With love, Frank

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May 10, 2016

Dear Suelin, As you know I got the job in Washington. I'll probably be living around Renton/Tukwila area. I'm definitely excited and I'm nervous too. I feel overwhelmed hahah. But it's a good step for me and I did it. I promised you I'd get there, and I did. Now as for you, I'm sooooo relieved and glad you're okay. I was worried for like two hours but I didn't wanna bother. I thought something terrible happened to you. It was nice your mother texted me and told me what was going on. I hope you recover quickly and have no lingering problems. Please be careful from now on... I can't lose you. Not when we are about to be closer than we have ever been. Take care of yourself, until I can take care of you. Anyways, I hope you're resting and getting well. I love you. Have a goodnight. With love, Frank

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May 8, 2016

Dear Suelin, I hope you had a good day! I also hope you're feeling better from your illness. Oh Suelin, I really hope you know how much you mean to me. You must know. I'm laying here wishing I was holding you.. Caressing you, loving you. The way you should be loved. You're beautiful, beyond beautiful actually. Thank you for making me happy these past few days. I'm sure you're thinking that wasn't intentional, but it's what you do. I keep saying it, but I mean it; I love everything about you. I think I'm falling for you all over again Baby.. My love keeps getting stronger. Idk why, I mean yea I get sad and lonely. But my heart is drawn to you. Only wants you. Craves you. Maybe one day you'll find someone whose attention is addicting, and you'll crave it day after day. Anyways have a goodnight, and sleep well. I hope to see you in my dreams. With love, Frank

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May 7, 2016

Dear Suelin,

I must admit, I never thought I’d love someone as much as I love you. Sometimes it may seem like I don’t, but I do. You hold yourself up so high, cause you actually belong there. You’re perfection to me. I have patience with you. I have forgiveness with you. I have nothing but love for you. It may seem foolish, but I’ll be that fool for you. You make me happy, in the way I can be happy with myself. I have to tell you seeing your face, makes me day. Hearing your voice is the music to my ears. I have so much love for you, I know I go in circles a lot with describing it. I fell for that face, but I truly fell in love with you during that summer we talked, during my sophomore year when we snap chatted and bought gifts for each other. With you. Not your body, or the love you would give me. I fell in love with Suelin Kwon. Your person, your everything. I love it all. I can’t get enough of your eyes… Your cheeks, those lips. Idc if you’re drunk, I enjoy receiving those kisses from you. I understand you repress a lot of me. I get it. I’d be lying if I say the past week we’ve been actually talking, I’ve been sad. I've been happy.. I wake up excited to talk to you. Even for a minute or two. I try not to press because well you know I’m always thinking of you, and wanting you. I don’t wanna suffocate you. I enjoy hearing from you. I wonder if you’ve been happy. If sleeping is easier these past few days. You were always and still are my reason I wake up in the morning. Suelin… That name is so beautiful. You’re so beautiful, in every which way. I’m imagining you in my arms right now, sleeping the way you like, you know. Our standard positions. Suelin, Suelin, Suelin. You are wonderful, and you’ll be even more amazing in the future. Your future is not dark, it’s as bright as that smile of yours. I miss your lips, your tongue. I miss your nose, those cheeks, and that forehead. I miss your taste and your scent. Why’d I have to receive the perfect girl as my first? Well, I suppose because I figured you’d be my last too. What a way to go out huh? My first.. My last.. My everything. Anyways, goodnight Beautiful. Sleep well. Get well. And I wish I was laying with you right now. I hope to see you in my dreams.

With love,

Frank

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Hmm. I love you Suelin. I know, you know. I have an gargantuan amount of love for you, pretty much endless. It just radiates from me, I don’t know if you can feel it, but it’s there. Sometimes I cannot contain it, I send you message at night and I know it’s bad but I mean them. I’m not afraid to be truthful and honest with you. Rather not afraid to be hurt by you anymore. Sure I may get hurt, but as you have said I’m more mature, and I’d like to think so. I know what I want, I know certain realities. What’s crazy is, I want to tell you this certain thing, and I suppose now would be a good time. Better now than never. I see certain couples and of course I think of us. However, when I see a family on TV or what have you. I imagine us, you and me. Our own children. My future I envision with you is paradise. We have been through hell and back, and to be honest there is never a second in my mind that I regret that I chose to give my heart and soul to you. I cannot describe how much you mean to me and make me feel. I do not have the words, And if I did, I am sure I wouldn’t know how to put them together. It’s why I say I love you so much in these letters and every time you’re drunk. Hell, I’m not looking to hear it back, I’m making sure you know my love for you is real Suelin. And hey, it’s worth what’s it’s worth to you. It may not be much, but it’s not fake. I don’t love you for how beautiful you are, how fun you can be, how successful you’ll be, how awesome you are. It’s a culmination of everything and boils down to I love you because of who you are. I always have. Since day one. I made the calculated mistake of giving you up to someone. I assumed I had no chance with you, then the stars aligned, my luck was at its peak and I got you. And I sure as hell don’t wanna repeat that again. But maybe I’m a mistake in your eyes, and you don’t want to repeat me again. I don’t really know. Suelin Baby, I want you to believe me. Please, believe me with what I’m about to tell you. I mean this from the very bottom of the heart I gifted you. Ever since we were together I had a goal, or rather a dream. This is what I wanted, and hoped to have. I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, right when you hugged me at the airport. In that airport, it was as if I hit the jackpot, this girl is THE ONE. The initial shock of holding you, right when you fell into my arms I just knew you were it. Then we waited for the bag, having the nervousness. Then the sweet elevator kiss where the taste of Suelin Kwon was all I ever wanted from then on. I slapped your ass in the parking lot, there I knew we could joke around and be ridiculous with each other. You laid in my bed, with ease and I asked you what you wanted for breakfast. A task I could see myself doing for you every morning. We were so comfortable and you made me comfortable even when watching the World Cup, also then I knew you and I would never be uncomfortable with one another. We could be as open as possible and we were. Then at night, I always say this to you getting on top of you was as if I was meant to be with you. Just fitting with you so nicely. And you pushing me off and us talking that night. It let me know we can have conversations and be like this at night, loving each other. That was all it took that first day and night with you to solidify my decision on committing to you. I never told you this, because well I wanted to save it when I actually would have proposed to you. But back to what I want you to believe.. I saw myself or us rather living in a nice apartment. We have decent jobs we enjoy. We have good finances and with after what I have saved up for myself the rest would be spoiled on to you, trust me that’s the truth. I wanted to buy necklaces or earrings for every anniversary. I wanted to just take you shopping for clothes and anything you wanted whenever. And after awhile, I’d have saved up and surprised you with a home, and an elegant diamond ring that would make everyone jelly. I wanted to travel with you to Europe, Japan, Korea, even Australia. Take all them pictures, try all kinds of food with you, get drunk in every place we went to, and have amazing sex. I wanted to take you on a cruise (21st birthday I didn’t forget). I wanted to have a fun married life with you. Doing stupid stuff. Cooking meals with you. Making funny videos. Watching so much stuff. Lots of matching clothes. Why not a few club nights or date nights. When we reach a good point in our careers, you’re probably 27 and I’m 29-30. We have a kid. You’d be a fantastic mom. I know this. And just as you said our kid would know his/her parents loved each other. And I’m sure you can figure out the rest from there. You were my princess, set to be my queen. I wanted to give you the world Suelin. Just sucks my hands are only big enough to carry my own world, and it’s not that glamorous or spectacular yet, I would hope. I love everything about you. And this is definitely tragic, but I absolutely wish nothing but happiness for you Suelin. I love You so much that I want nothing more than that. Why do you think I care so much about you? Hm? I always worried when you were sick. Your teeth grinding. You making sure you’re on track to your goals, not skipping class. Doing your hw on time. As much as I tried, you did you , but that doesn’t mean I didn’t try. I support you in everything, you’re going to be a fantastic person, you already are. Trust me Suelin, this isn’t just a guy who wanted to get in your pants. Or a guy who wanted to date you just for awhile. This guy loves you, wanted to start and end a life with you. Yea say I’m hopeless and delusional, but that’s how much you mean to me even still. I know I may get hurt and hell could end alone forever being hung up on you. Truth is I don’t want that, I don’t wanna be hurt by you. However, giving my love to someone else seems wrong.. If that makes sense. Anyways I meant all of that. I still couldn’t express how I feel about you. But I guess it’s sort of like my animal instinct with you. I wanna be all over you, bite you and just make you mine. But I restrain biting you that hard, and making you submissive. Because I love you, wanna see you be the best. Never limiting you, and cherishing you and every moment I have with you. I don’t ever wanna take you for granted, I hope you don’t take me for granted Suelin. I love you.