My head thoughts

[clearmythoughtss]

So officially its done like everything visible is erased that has to do with that non communicative, sorry ass nigga. And its crazy to think he probably was looking for a excuse to stop talking to me awhile ago but feel as though he had to do something like this to make it seem as if it was my fault and then want to go ghost all of a sudden. But thats fine because honestly I only liked the attention for a bit and then I was over him and he was boring when it came to texting especially when he started working.

Thank you for showing your true colors and being a bitch by not responding to my text or calls because you know you were the one who was wrong and i called you out about it and you didnt even let me go off on your nappy head like i wanted to because i would've read you for filth. Youre an alcoholic and i dont want to deal with anybody who drinks as a escape and to cope with issues, go seek help. I dont want to hear any justification on anything you have to say because its been a whole week and youre a punk. Youre blocked at this point so dont even reach out to me to say anything because i gave you multiple chances to do so. im st the point where i give you a chance and once you show me with your actions how you feel im not chasing im letting you go your way and im going mine, end of story.

Lame ugly nigga who has no friends and couldn't even plan a date. But thats cool stay your ugly dusty self in sacramento and dont even hit me up to do anything because youre a boring and only have your dad and cousins to go do stuff with. Youre gay and go live in your truth like my gaydar went off since day one so thats why i wasn't willing to sleep with him or even kiss him because he wanted to be with a guy and not me honestly when Jane and I had that conversation about him we were on the same page and i told her i wasn't going to hang with him anymore unless he came to me and honestly i knew we wasn't going to hang once he started working and it was nothing but excuses.

[clearmythoughtss]

Im done with this nigga because I haven't talked to him since Thursday (strike 1) I sent him two message and he left me on read both times knowing good and well he has been off work and could've easily responded but since he wanna play that game thats fine I will play it too and send him to voicemail whenever he calls and he is on do not disturb mode because I have done nothing wrong and like Jane said I dont deserve this inconsistent behavior. I dont give a damn about work, if you got time to go visit your cousins, be drinking and do other activities but no time to text or plan things then clearly you dont need to be in contact with me because Im not the one you got me all the way messed up. Im single and not focused on no ugly gay nigga that dont have friends. In the words of Sza I be so sick of you niggas, period.

[clearmythoughtss]

At this point whats been said has been said so moving forward like Ive already expressed how I feel, unfriended you and Im just keeping a mental note but I dont want to talk on the phone anymore. I think a text message is the only way I want to communicate from now on.

I honestly dont really want to talk at all because after hanging out in LA it was nothing to talk about or catch up on, like we saw each other that was the time to catch up on life or talk about whatever you wanted to and that be it. I dont have anything to share because after being absent for so many chapters I dont feel the need to fill in the blank pages because if you weren't there you missed out and that was your choice not mine.

What she said about me not having my life together was rude and she meant what she said its no sugar coating or taking it back because whats been said has been said like

[clearmythoughtss]

It was nice to hang with her and visit the black store and everything but honestly I feel like in the moment I was enjoying but really i enjoyed the black beauty store, bookstore but the wedding was my top experience of the whole weekend just being with her was cool to get out of my hotel room and not pay for an uber/lyft. I was explain to her if she wanted to flash on me again I would've just told her im not gonna argue and she can act up all she wants to because I can easily leave im not obligated or responsible for any adults wanting to act up instead of talk when I am not the problem. I said we've been thru this twice Im not doing this a third time period. And she paused and was like yeah but I know I struck a nerve and thats the thing with me I dont have to raise my voice, cuss you out or do anything out of pocket to prove a point I can just state facts and that be it.

I was thinking this is why she dont really be having no friends because she step to the wrong one thats gonna be it and Im the type where you step to me wrong its it I'll respectfully be about it. Just like the girl said at the beauty supply store say it with your chest if you gonna do something show me upfront dont drag me along and then show me your true colors later on be about it upfront, thats it.

[clearmythoughtss]

She be so cute and i love when we were watching the insecure trailer on twitter and she turned and had her feet under my leg and i wish she was like laying on me as we watched because then i would just be ready to put my arms around her waist and get butterflies. I like when she smiles and does her laugh like its so cute.

When we drove to the noodle place she was telling me about baldy and she squeezed my leg and i know she did that on purpose because it was dark and she saw my leg before she did it. I wanna know about her and him hooking up but then again i dont because she been busting it open a lot lately and i understand she miss the D but its too risky out in these covid streets to be letting any nigga just get in them cheeks like nah im good right now.

[clearmythoughtss]

Alex Isley

Got to the jazz bar and when i was sitting waiting for them to let people go downstairs I saw Alex and her manager walk past me but her manager just kept staring and so i stared back. Then when i got my seat i was in the back back and i couldnt see much with everyone in the way so I decided to move up to a table closer so i can record my videos. Alex is just breathtaking like I hope to see her again performing and this time its more of her songs. Like the whole vibe of the venue was just amazing. Im so glad I finally got to see her live as well as meet her in person. She is my top rotation artist who i will never get sick of her songs ever. Into Orbit, About Him and La Brea are my top 3.

[clearmythoughtss]

-She's jealous of my and my friends because she gonna say she wants to go to korean bbq and other fun places but her bf is picky with his food

-I can go do these things with friends because were not competing with each other were just enjoying each others company and having a good time/talking about life. Like nobody is over here trying to brag on how much money they have, what stores they shop at or thinking theyre better than anyone the only thing were comparing is who got the best boba, coffee, dessert, food or music thats it!

-Notice how i never hit her up to hang out or do anything because she doesnt have a social life and all she does it work from home. Like she is a loner and doesnt want to admit it. She doesnt know how to socialize and be around other people from other ethnicities and it shows.

She was like when i am at home bored i watch twiight like that speaks volumes and the tik tok she sends i can tell how she goes about things.

Also whenever we go somewhere she never wants to take pics together or a boomerang or post anything on your ig so thats cool with me. Stay off my close friends list because thats for people who i actually can trust and be in my business without any issues.

-talking about going to suisun for some expensive restaurant and how everyone was dressed up. Im like why did ya'll go there, to show out and pretend like ya'll got it like that?

-Said rodney was grumpy when they were in hawaii and it ruined the trip and im like you prob did something too because everytime you are telling me something no one else is ever at fault but antyyy

[clearmythoughtss]

Pt 2

She wanted to explain what happened between her and lisa like i really cared, i wasnt even giving her real feedback because lisa isnt my friend and ive never met her so why would i have a opinion about her since everything you told me about her is negative why are you even still friends? She was gonna come to arizona with me but i never invited her so idk why she thought it was a invitation when it wasnt, antyyy then she was saying she was insecure and im like thats prob the common factor ya'll both have and drinking because other than that what do ya'll really be doing? And she is so big & bad when its not face to face or saying slick stuff but dont worry i can come back with that same energy and more and not even feel no types of way if i dont hear back from you again.

Sidenote I am not going to vegas with Nailah like girl we barely even hung out at church and im way older and why the hell would you suggest i share a room with a couple?? I am not third wheeling and i dont care for best friend's boyfriend at alll. Im booked and busy the rest of the year so people please dont invite me to anything, thanks.

[clearmythoughtss]

She's annoying

So lets start with spending the night so the plan was to go to the house and she was gonna have the hookah set up and drink and watch bad girls club while eating our food so when we got to the apartment she was like if you want to borrow some clothes to sleep in you can and i said girl im bigger than you, none of your clothes will fit me and yet she kept on insisting that she had clothes for me to try on and so she gave me 2 outfits and only the t shirt worked so i slept in that and then before she took me home she goes "that shirt cost $45 its from urban outfitters and i look at the shirt and i say ohh okay and you washed it a few times so it ruined the design on the front and she goes oh its suppose to be like that and i gave her this look like bish you paid $45 for a washed up shirt, i could've done this for you for free and she laughed then she goes i need my shirt back and i said okay girl i'll go change into my shirt and you can have your bougie shirt back so then i threw it on my pillow and from that point on i was annoyed with her and ready to go home because like best friend said "eww girl you can have your stanky shirt"

She is very insecure because she likes to boast about money since she doesnt have a personality or a sense of humor so talking to her is very like having to find stuff to talk about, its giving forced conversations. Then she doesnt have any real girlfriends so she mainly hangs around her boyfriend or her family which doesnt give her a chance to know how to communicate and interact with different personalities outside of what she is used to. Like nah im not hanging out with her anymore after that because its always something going on every single time. I now know why i havent really seen her in a year and this is why i skipped out on her surprise bday and why i will miss the next one and she is not coming with me to the concert in vegas, she will not ruin my fun being a buzzkill and trying to flex on people who arent even trying to flex.

Like this was the final strike with her because last time she was a issue with not wanting to pay for gas and only gave me like $10 and i drove quite a bit and then she was scared to be in oakland.

[clearmythoughtss]

Arizona

I enjoyed my time there and i think the only thing i would change is having more time to spend in sedona area and to go in the fall when its a bit cooler or maybe in the winter time.

Friday: She picked me up and we went to Raising Canes and then to some places that was in that area to explore.The air b n b walls were so thin that the next door neighbor kept making so much noise with her moving in.

I wasted the snow cone in my eye lol but it was so delicious.

She didnt want me to pay for anything or drive and i felt bad but i offered multiple times so after i insist i give up.

Saturday: Grand Canyon entrance is $35 and then for the bearizona its $35 per person which is really expensive! Sedona was beautiful! Like next to the grand canyon that is the best place to go for free and take pictures. We outplayed Neyo, Alicia Keys and Ella Mai this day but thats fine I didnt mind listening to Alicia & Ella. Her aunt and uncle were so funny like I love the language barrier because it helps me try to practice my spanish. He kept saying the hermonsos are out so we couldnt be out because they are and i said i need to see their vaccination card and id so they can talk to me. The fruit salad was good.

Sunday: I was lowkey annoyed because we were watching music video and she was over here talking to that guy and acted as though she couldnt put her phone down. Then wanted to complain this guy was at the club taking shots that she would talk to and she didnt unfriend him or block him but constantly wanted to keep complaining that he is watching her snapchat story. Then some other guy she talked to was watching her ig story and i said then block them and she said no i dont think i need to do that, so thats when i just logged off the convo and anytime she wanted to keep bringing it up I ignored her.

Monday: If she wouldve gotten up earlier we could of went to explore a few more places before i had to head to the airport. But whatever i was tired and barely slept because there was no AC or fan on and I was just hot in that little room.

I was sad when i was going to the airport and the music didnt help. I was more sad because I wanted to spend more time there and was just so happy, my pictures with my black dress says it all. I need Lupita to take more pictures and be in the moment. You can take pics and not post them but just have them in your phone for memories. It was cute how she put our pic as her screensaver :)

[clearmythoughtss]

I miss going to concerts so much like Im having my weekly withdrawals but I am so thankful for youtube and being able to have full access to watch a concert and just feel like im there and reflect on when I was there. Sabrina Claudio its today’s artists and I am so in love with her music its just that feel good music. I would play this in my apartment with candles lit or have on those colorful lights and a glass of wine and just relax playing her music. Her baby making music is the best hands down. She is one of those artists that I could see live over and over again and not get sick of it. The whole vibe is just lit. 

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

You’re healing every time you

get out of bed because there’s something you’re excited about.

don’t think about people who left.

clean the clutter in the room and dishes in your sink.

smile at yourself and random people.

do something kind and out of the blue to make someone happy.

work out or meet with friends even though you have no energy to.

calm yourself down when your thoughts race.

remember to drink water.

don’t dwell on things you can’t control.

do things good for yourself, even though you have no motivation.

tell yourself that you’re growing from this, and you won’t feel like this forever.

[clearmythoughtss]

Dont give me unsolicited advice when you cant even be a good friend like that doesn't work for me because anything you have to say since you showed me your true colors is irrelevant. Like trying to tell me that i don't pay rent so i should have enough money to pay off my students loan. Um bish first off i can pay off my students loans but right now its not a priority especially since its on hard ship and i am saving up my money to help pay it off. You have 50,000 to pay back in student loans so dont give me no money advice or talk to me when you got more than your plate than me but you're so worried about chasing a nigga and wanna say God is good okay yes I know that but you are only saying He is good because right now things are going “good” in your life so be quiet you need to find God and leave me alone. Just annoying because its like girl youre staying in 2019 and not coming with me in 2020 because i refuse to have another year with a miserable associate trying to act as though were still friends like no girl youre lonely with no friends and think hitting me up makes everything okay. I just get annoyed with her because she be so busy in my business and acting like she is older than I am. 

Just because you dont live with your parents doesn't mean youre independent it just means you wanted to be grow and move to a different city without a plan while you try to figure yourself out. Girl you just move from being a hoe to sac to being a hoe in la lmaoooo. Im like i am not talking to anybody who is not on my level like bye youre cancelled. 

[clearmythoughtss]

4/27 Sol Blume

I ran over to Kiana and was like I met you at the Ella Mai concert and she goes aww and I asked for a pic and she put her arm around my waist and i was reaching for her shoulder and i said wait Im shorter so lets switch and she laughed (the pic i posted was her reaction) then I asked for a hug and she goes whats your name and I said Alexis and she was like okay and I told her I still remmeber her from soul food sessions and her fb/yt covers and she just kept giggling.

Umi was cute too she was like hii and gave me a hug and was so humbled and cute. I asked for a pic and Tamera goes yass black girl magic and she goes i love yall and laughs.

[clearmythoughtss]

Ax Gospel concert

Priscilla is so cute I like her little lisp when she talks and how she be laughing/reacting to what I say. When we were leaving I walked by her and then I gave her a hug and then she was trying to meet my mom and i said nevermind mom is distracted and she laughed. She was like girl i’ll hook it up when I asked whats the most inexpensive item on the table? I got my holy and hyphy shirt. She was like girl I got you let me know. I told her someone touched my hair and she goes was it one of our people? And I said yeah and she said wow you would think they would know better.

Texting her was cool too because I was like I need encouragement and she said well you got a friend in me. Like were friends friends no doubt about it. Im ready to see her at the movies

[lilmamabeyellin]

the older i get the more unnecessary it seems to tell people my business

[jehovahhthickness]

[likelovetothelost-deactivated20]

I don’t even have issues like that I have the “I saw this happen to my friends and that’s not gonna be me.” I don’t have that much guy experience too much cause when I peep stuff I cut it off early

[jehovahhthickness]

^^^

[an-apocalypse-of-magpies]

Humans are innately born trusting. It’s hard-wired into us as babies that we should be able to trust our parents and other members of our social group. When we were completely dependent on other human beings for survival, we quickly learn to trust those that care for us.

If you meet someone who has ‘trust issues’, something or someone has taught them to be wary about trusting, or violated that trust. Nobody is distrustful for no reason. People are distrustful because they’ve been taught to distrust or they’ve had to learn it, probably the hard way.