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weeping alone in my room to billy gilman's a classic christmas

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normal train of thought: wow im so lucky that people coming onto this very full bus are choosing to sit next to other solo passengers or stand and that nobody sat next to me

the idiot who lives in my brain (me): they can all sense the deep and communicable rot that resides within me and are keeping their distance for fear of catching this sickness emanating from me. disgusting filthy rotting creature

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i just. am so tired of being the one whos like hey do you wanna hang out! hey im going to a show do you wanna come! hey lets do this! hey lets go there! lets do that! id love for anyone to give enough of a fuck about me to ask ME if I want to come out tonight. if I want to come to this show. if I want to get dinner with them if I want to get drinks with them if I am free that night. i know everyone i know is a busy adult with their own lives and their own jobs and their own friends but it doesnt make it feel less shitty when i put in so much effort to ask people to come to things and im given nothing in return. like fuck i am so fucking lonely

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it just hurts my heart to look at him and think theres going to be a last time i see him. theres going to be a last time i hold his hand and a last time we lay in bed together and a last time we share a cigarette and a last bowl of pasta. a last laugh. a last cry. a last glass of wine. and i hate that some part of me wants to make that last one so soon. one more. please. just one more.

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need to just breathe. breathe. breathe. pull myself together.

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i cant do this anymore !! ahahahaha !!!!! i cant do any of this anymore hahahahaha !!!!!!!!

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pathetic fucking loser of COURSE nobody wants to see you unless they absolutely have to and they have no other choice. why the FUCK would anyone want to. what do you bring to the table. what do you even do. be fucking honest with me. why the fuck would anyone want to waste their time. theres eight billion people on the planet and every single one of them is more interesting and engaging than you could ever be. get the FUCK over yourself.

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i dont want to fucking cry tonight. im so sick of crying. i am so tired of this. it doesnt do ANYTHING. it doesnt solve ANYTHING. it makes me feel pathetic and useless and i am just. so. tired. of. it. put those fucking tears back in your eyes. i dont care. i dont want them tonight. put. them. back.

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i am so. fucking. lonely.

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i am so fucking lonely

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i just. am so tired of being the one whos like hey do you wanna hang out! hey im going to a show do you wanna come! hey lets do this! hey lets go there! lets do that! id love for anyone to give enough of a fuck about me to ask ME if I want to come out tonight. if I want to come to this show. if I want to get dinner with them if I want to get drinks with them if I am free that night. i know everyone i know is a busy adult with their own lives and their own jobs and their own friends but it doesnt make it feel less shitty when i put in so much effort to ask people to come to things and im given nothing in return. like fuck i am so fucking lonely

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i should take myself out

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im tired of asking people out. i wish someone would ask me out.

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need cigarette

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its just like gerard said. this aint a room full of suicides

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its just like gerard said. this aint a room full of suicides

[cleverblogurlhere]

its just like gerard said. this aint a room full of suicides