Chapter 1: A Hopeless Romantic With a Bleeding Heart.
I walked way from this site for a while. One because for a while there I was so happy, and this is a place I come to write when I was going through something. Then things got dark. Really dark. However this time was different. I still wrote but those words seemed to important and private. Like somehow sharing it will all three of you who might read this would disrespect her. Her.. yeah it seems that there is always a girl. Some one keeping me up at night, someone to be hurting over. For whatever reason I found myself here. Re reading old post and finding myself yet again in a similar place.. even if I do feel like an entirely different person.
You see I do this. I met a girl. I fall in love with her. I think she’s different. She breaks my heart. Then I dig myself in happy memories and haunt my self with beautiful spoken words.
Yet some how it did feel different this past time. Cue eye roll.
Yeah i hear it too. But give me a second to explain.
It was different because I was different.
I had grown so use to breakups and heartache that I had thrown my hands in the air and said “DONE”
So when I meant this beautiful girl all i wanted was her company.
You see i had no emotion or love left to offer. But yet i craved her presence.
But we will get to her later.
Right now what seems to be sticking to me is fuck. im a sap.
Time and time again i have pour my heart out about this people in past who i was so sure where “the one” or “different” or “special” that I’m starting to doubt i even know what love is.
Or is my heart really that big?
Am I just trying to fill an emptiness inside me?
Have ever I been in love?
Why do i feel everything so deeply? Why cant i just detach from my feelings when things come to an end.
Do want to be that person. Or do I like who I am, how deeply and passioniantly i love.
I dont know. I think I’m further from figuring that out.
I think i know less about who I am, what i want, who I want.
Thats definitly a place I havent been in long time.
So i thought maybe taking a look back at some of my fail relationship could help me learn this new lesson faster.
All i know is that i want to let go off all this.
I deserve to give myself that kindness.