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@cleverturnip
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I LOVE MY FAT DISGUSTING PIG-WIFE
I’m Josh, and I love my fat disgusting pig-wife.
I’m a freelance author and lifestyle blogger. My wife is a fatass and tub of lard. I met my wife Charlotte at the county fair when I mistook her for one of the prize hogs and started feeding her corn out of my palm, careful to keep my fingers curled in so that she wouldn’t gnaw off the tips of my fingers. About a full four minutes into feeding her, I realized she wasn’t actually a hog, but was actually a very fat yet somehow sexually attractive woman! We quickly fell in love, even as she never kept her eyes off the corn. We’ve been inseparable ever since, partially because I always have a little bit of corn in my hand and she’s always sniffing and licking it. She’s so cute like that.
I love my fat butterball wife, disgusting curves and all. I love the way she really fills out her sty. For me, there is nothing sexier than this woman right here: thick thighs, big booty, bunch of chocolate sauce in her hair ‘cause she fell asleep in her sundae, contact lenses made of Necco wafers, sometimes eats out of the recycle bin if she’s too tired to get to the fridge. This gorgeous girl I married fills out every inch of her jeans and is still the fattest one in the room. But hey, that’s just me. I’m a feminist, and so is my big-as-a-house revolting wife.
As a teenager, I was teased for being attracted to things that didn’t even look human, like women fatter than a size 4 and big rocks and like those old timey bikes with one big round wheel. Then, as I became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism and farm animals, I realized how many men have bought into the lies of the media. A woman doesn’t have to be tall and thin to be beautiful! A woman doesn’t even have to have a name or personality! She can just be a shapeless blob with no distinguishing marks about her like a pile of condensed milk. That’s how I feel about my gorgeous, disgusting wife Carly. Wait, is that her name, “Carly?” That doesn’t look right. What’s her name? Definitely something with a C. I’d ask her, but her mouth is full right now, as she is eating Thanksgiving dinner in August.
Sure, my wife isn’t going to be on the cover of Cosmopolitan, except when she sits on it because I’ve lined her kennel with issues of Cosmopolitan. Because when she sits around the kennel she sits aroooound the kennel. Which is fine! But Cindy is so kind. Cindy has the biggest heart of anyone I know. Even her heart is plus-sized. And I love it for that. Whether my wife is finding an old bagel tucked underneath her cute side rolls or devouring a whole chocolate fountain even the metal parts before the guy we rented it from comes to take it away, she’s always being true to herself. She’s always just being Claire.
Guys, rethink what society has told you that you should desire. A real woman is not a porn star or a bikini mannequin or a movie character. She’s perfectly unique. She has stretch marks. She has big flat teeth that she uses to bite you if you try to cut when she’s waiting in line for soft serve. She has cute little dimples on her booty that she fills with hard candies and bouillon cubes to keep for later in case she gets hungry at the DMV. The twelve teats that run vertically down her front might not all be the same size. She’s real.
Girls, don’t ever fool yourself by thinking you have to fit a certain mold to be loved and appreciated. There is a guy out there who is going to celebrate your turgid sausage of a body for exactly who you are, someone who will love you just like I love my disgusting wife Chappie. I love you, honey!
Simon Landrein
Negative space, Cristina Troufa
I’m just like my country, I’m young, scrappy, and hungry And I’m not throwing away my shot!
Lin Manuel Miranda hosting SNL (October 8th, 2016)
Hocus Pocus by Leslie Hung
No Getting Off the Train
Normally I try to motivate people to vote, register to vote & help others do the same based on policy. For example I wrote a piece recently explaining why I was voting for Clinton strictly because of her health care policies and who she’s said she’d nominate to the Supreme Court. That’s all more than enough for me to gallop purposefully to the ballot box and cast a vote for her. I really loathe frothy pieces that focus on a candidate’s “character” or “story” or who they remind you of from your personal life or whatever other garbage people base their bloviating think-pieces on.
But something happened yesterday that has operated on me more deeply than anything in any political campaign I’ve ever seen. It has triggered my lizard brain and I want to harm the people who’ve angered me. In a fun way!
I’m not talking about the “revelation” that Trump said he could take women and “grab ‘em by the pussy” in 2005. I’m talking about the Republicans who’d endorsed him and stood by him disavowing him on or after the day this news came to light.
That’s what it took for you to disavow him? Since I’m not a total moron, I know that what really happened is that it finally became clear to anyone who knows how elections work that Trump was definitely going to lose. This became conventional wisdom about two weeks ago. So the same drive for self-preservation that led these turd balls to endorse him in the first place has compelled them to pull the rip cord when Access Hollywood revealed their pussy tape and gave them the opportunity to pretend they care about women or something. (When they’ve endorsed a guy whose running mate is Mike Pence.) Ha ha, that is funny. Funny ha ha; like a clown.
To them I say: fuck you. No. I am going to give money - and encourage others to give money - to the people running against you if you formally un-endorsed Trump on or after October 7, the day the tape was played for America. Nope, you are welded to Trump until the end, you spineless shit loaves. The good people of ActBlue were kind enough to put together a site where you can give money to the opponents of the senators, congressmen, governors and state legislators who’ve unendorsed Trump on or after October 7th. It doesn’t include some people I truly loathe, like Paul Ryan, but that’s because he’s stuck to his guns thus far and continues to toe the line, like a good little Republican.
Nope, I’m talking about the real garbage, the people who want it both ways; the people who got on the train, and now want to get off. Fuck you baby, you’re on the train till it crashes into the American Electorate at full speed. Keep your eyes open and stay alert; I want you to feel it.
God Bless America!
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Your Friend,
Rob
Make America Great Again!! 🐸🇺🇸🐸🇺🇸
Lonesome Ghosts (1937)
Zoe Leonard
Dreamy, Kate Copeland
The dead and the dying, Christina Mrozik
Bad Hands Society does Inktober VII 2016
Vintage Halloween Party Invitation by Neato Coolville on Flickr.