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Christmas Eve Will Find Me

[popping in just to say there are two very contrasting things in this chapter and they feel strange to put beside each other in a heads up but here goes: the talks about grief get a little heavier for a moment, and there is also sex.]

Eleven: Finn

Pascal’s

Amsterdam

Days later and it still took a second. After months of waking up to a day that felt like just another bad dream, it took a second. A couple of seconds. Finn did what he always did in the moment before he truly remembered what his life was like now. He reached out for Logan. The bed was empty, which always jolted him back to his reality. Made him turn his face into his pillow and try to breathe through the weight of it crushing him all over again.

Only, the empty bed was still warm, and Finn—

Matches and a slice of cake. Blood and a kiss.

But the bed was empty.

Finn jolted awake so fast, his head gave a dizzying throb.

“Shh, shh, shh…” Logan’s soft voice came just as quickly, and then the edge of the bed dipped on his other side. Finn turned to see Logan placing two coffee mugs on the side table. Then, Logan’s hands were on his bare chest, smoothing over his shoulders. His eyes were a little red from the tears neither of them had quite gotten past yet, his nose a little blocked up, his hair a mess from Finn’s hands as he’d tried to tell his body last night that he could sleep, that this wasn’t a dream. There were red marks on Logan’s ribs and waist from Finn’s hold on him, and Finn briefly wondered if that grip of his had loosened or tightened during his small intervals of sleep. He’d gotten Logan’s bare skin against all of him each night. Not quite sex, not yet. Definitely not their usual reunions. Something closer to memorizing.

“I’m right here,” Logan said. He kissed him, stopping his uneven breath until Finn inhaled slowly through his nose and kissed back. “Right here.”

Finn took hold of Logan’s hips and pulled until he was straddling his waist and Finn could feel the full weight of him. He pushed his nose into Logan’s neck and inhaled.

“I…” Finn began breathlessly. “Okay.”

“It’s okay,” Logan whispered against Finn’s temple.

Finn stayed there. He focused only on Logan’s fingers in his hair.

“You feel the same,” he said against Logan’s skin. “You’re my…You feel the same.”

He knew Logan was smiling just by the way his shoulders shifted beneath his hands. He pulled back to see his face. When Logan’s thumb brushed over his bottom lip, Finn tilted his chin down and let it slip slightly into his mouth. Logan leaned forward and kissed Finn’s lips around it.

Finn hummed softly, tilting his head into the kiss.

“I brought us coffee,” Logan mumbled.

Finn kept their kisses slow and gentle, savoring the salty-sweet of Logan’s skin and mouth. “Let me share yours.”

Logan removed his hand, giving Finn a firmer kiss, before he reached for his steaming cup and tilted it against Finn’s mouth.

Sweet. Sugar and cream.

“Yeah.” He licked the remaining sweetness from his lips. “That’s you. That’s my baby, that’s all you.”

Logan smiled. He picked up Finn’s cup, sipped, and grimaced. “And this is all you.”

Finn laughed—those muscles were raw and weak from disuse, it made his chest hurt—and they switched cups. Logan didn’t move from his lap, and Finn kept an arm around his waist as he leaned back against the headboard. He took a sip, let it warm him. Set it down in favor of holding Logan, who did more than warm him. He wanted to fuse them together.

And now, there was broad daylight coming through the windows, and Logan had this look in his eye—none of the timid vacancy. It had all fled, and his Logan was back. Sure of himself. Sure of Finn.

“We have to leave,” Finn heard himself whisper.

Logan sighed beneath his hands.

“Please, let’s go.” He smoothed his palms up Logan’s sides. “Let’s go. I don’t want you here, I want—”

Well. He wanted to put them in a bubble. Away from absolutely everything bad.

Logan set his cup down, too. “Finn…”

Finn took Logan’s hands in his. “Please, Lo. I’m so—I’ve never been so fucking scared in my life.”

“We’re almost there,” Logan said. “Pascal and I will get a real chance to talk today. And Sirius and James.”

“Remus?”

Logan hesitated. “Remus needs to come back first.”

Come back. It sounded horrible, when he was somewhere in the house, like he was a ghost. But it was true.

“I want you out of this,” Finn said harshly. He thought of the way Leo had asked after each of Logan’s injuries. Finn understood. He felt like Logan would slip out of sight again at the smallest thing. “I want you out, when can you…”

“I know. I know, me too. You know that now.”

Sun flooded the room as a cloud shifted. It bled warmth over Finn’s bare skin.

“This doesn’t feel real,” Finn whispered. His voice felt so fragile, like it could shatter right there in his throat. “Why didn’t…”

He shouldn’t ask. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to ask. He knew, even, maybe, but he needed to hear Logan say it.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Logan seemed ready for the question. He took Finn’s face between his hands, gaze firm.

“Rouge. My biggest fear,” he whispered, “in the entire world, the entire world, is that someone will find you and use you, hurt you, to get to me. Do you understand now, how easy it is for them?”

“I don’t want protection if it doesn’t include protecting you, I—” Finn shook his head. “Lo—”

“I am so terrified of that, that it wakes me up in the middle of the night. I’m so terrified I’m not going to realize something has happened, I—Finn, If I’m not with you, I check your location, if I am, I need to feel your heart beating, like someone did something to you and I didn’t realize, and it’s too late—” Logan pressed his lips together and let his forehead tilt against Finn’s. He shook his head once. “I didn’t tell you… I should have, and if I had known… I didn’t tell you because I—if they threatened you, you needed to not know anything—nothing about what I was—You don’t understand. You don’t know how they are. I don’t show you those parts, I don’t show you, because I don’t care about myself as long as you’re protected, I’m so sorry, but it’s true.”

“I'm only protected if you come home,” Finn said, pulling back to see him. “That’s it, Logan. That’s it. That’s the only thing that can protect me. Me, knowing you’re okay and you’re coming home to me.”

Logan’s eyes had filled.

“I’m so sorry,” Logan whispered.

Finn pushed his hair back gently from his forehead. “And that you’re mine. That…”

He looked at the silver chain around Logan’s neck and tugged at it until it fell out of the neck of his t-shirt. Carefully, he unattached the silver ring from where it hung beside the pendant.

He kissed Logan’s forehead, lips holding there. “Okay?”

“Ouais. Okay.”

“Give me your hand, baby.”

Finn could see Logan’s fingers shaking as he held out his hand with a tear-filled laugh.

“God, hold on,” Finn said, blinking hard. Tears dropped onto the back of Logan’s palm. “I can’t even see what I’m doing.”

“Come here.” Logan breathing hitched even as Finn tilted his chin forward and kissed him. It was messy, mostly tears and mouths that wouldn’t cooperate just right. Too busy crying.

“Je t’aime, oh God, I love you.” Logan said. He kissed Finn’s jaw, then cheek, and found his mouth. “I owe you so many explanations, I know that.”

Finn hushed him gently. “Explanations are something I’ll want soon,” he said. “But I just want you here with me.”

He slid his ring back on Logan’s finger. Something inside his chest slid back into place, too.

“I’m sorry,” Logan whispered. “Oh God, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, Finn—”

Finn wrapped him up tightly against his chest. “I know you are. I know, I know…”

“I’m so sorry—”

“I cried in your arms,” Finn said. “Now you cry in mine, baby. You were hiding so much, holding so much. You just…” Finn turned his face into his hair. “I’m right here, too. You’re not alone in it anymore, okay?”

“I never was,” Logan whispered, muffled by Finn’s skin.

Finn didn’t have to ask what he meant. He thought of finding Leo in the kitchen last night. Face buried in his hands, shoulders shaking. And all those nights… All those nights that he could hardly look at except for Leo’s constant warmth there beside him.

“1017,” Finn said. “Leo.”

Leo,” Logan repeated. “I never told him. I’m worried he hates me.”

“No.” Finn had seen the way Leo looked at Logan last night, too. It had made tears swarm in his chest for the thousandth time, seeing the love there. “He doesn’t hate you, Lo. He could never.”

Real love.

Love that Leo was trying so hard to hide. That pressed up warmly to some side of Finn’s heart. A presence he didn’t have room to examine yet, not with Logan, new and familiar in his arms again. But it was there, waiting just out of the corner of his eye.

•

It was hard to let Logan disappear into Pascal’s office. Sirius and James went, too, Leo lingering behind just long enough to squeeze Finn’s shoulders.

“You okay?” he asked.

Finn nodded. “Better. You?”

Leo’s smile was a little strained. He looked exhausted. Like he’d hardly slept.

“Your dreams?” Finn whispered.

Leo’s eyes dimmed. “Uh—no. No, they’re gone now.”

Finn didn’t buy it, not with the way Leo slipped into Pascal’s office quickly and let Saint and Luke file in behind him, shutting the door.

It left him with Remus. He sent Finn a glance from his place by the window, then went back to staring out of it.

“They’re mirrored,” he said. “Did you know that? So we can see out but no one can see in.”

Finn hadn’t. “Makes sense, I guess.”

Remus nodded without looking away from whatever he was watching. They hadn’t even been outside in days. Too risky. Remus tugged at the neck of the thick sweater he was wearing. The maroon made his hair and eyes look more golden.

Guilt pooled low in Finn. He’d barely spared Remus a thought lately. Not since they found Logan. And even, in the wells of his grief, hardly any of it had gone towards Remus, even if they were friends. Logan. It was all Logan.

“We used to talk about literature,” Finn said.

Remus turned to him. He glanced towards the closed office door. “I thought that was you and Leo.”

“It is.” Finn nodded. “Us, too, though. You liked mysteries. Spy thrillers.” He smiled a bit. “Ironic, I guess. One time, you stole Leo and I advanced copies of an author’s new manuscript for Christmas.” He tilted his head. “Actually, two years ago tomorrow.”

Christmas Eve. Logan, back to him. God, Finn never needed any other present, any other wish again.

Well. That warmth near his heart pressed insistently. Maybe one.

Remus’ nose didn’t bleed, but he did look like he was trying to remember. “It was… Something about… New York.”

“Set there, yeah,” Finn said, nodding brightly. “The book was set in New York City.”

“Where you’re from.”

“Yeah, correct.”

Then, the office door opened. An annoyed looking Saint kept his hand on the doorknob as Logan walked through, straight at Finn.

“What—” Finn began.

But Logan had taken his face between his hands and kissed him. A hard, Logan-kiss. For sure a Logan-kiss, a coming home kiss, as familiar as Finn’s own face in the mirror.

“Just needed to not be away from you for so long,” Logan whispered, already walking backwards towards the office. “See you soon.”

Finn couldn’t help his smile. “Read my mind.”

“Freaks,” Saint said, but it sounded pretty heatless, then shut the door.

Remus had walked quickly in front of it, and Finn got one glance of Sirius’ gray eyes meeting his before the door closed.

When Remus turned away, he had that vacant, lost look that him and Logan had once shared all over his face. He went back to the window, then paced over to the bookshelf. He picked up a book and set it down again. Finn saw his hand raise to his face, and got a glimpse of red on his fingers before he took out a tissue from his pocket and wiped it away.

“Your kiss theory didn’t work on us.”

It took Finn a second to piece that together. His eyebrows went up. Remus turned to look at him.

“I—oh? Oh. Oh, wow, oh. Okay.”

He had to tell Logan.

“You’re very American,” Remus said.

“I…” Finn blinked. “Okay?” Sirius and Remus. Kissing. He had to tell Leo.

“We weren’t together,” Remus said. “Before.” Then, like this was the most casual conversation in the world, “I thought we were.”

Finn shook his head, but it turned into a shrug. “I mean—I wasn’t aware. If. I didn’t know if you were, maybe—”

“No,” Remus said. He sat down across from Finn and set one shoe on the edge of the low coffee table. “We weren’t.” He rubbed at his jaw. “That was our first kiss.”

“Well—hm. Wow.” Finn had no clue what to say. “Some…Some first kiss.”

“Logan remembered the library. Your first kiss.” Remus frowned down at the table. “He remembered it right when you started telling him the story.”

Finn nodded slowly. “He—yeah. Yeah, he did, I guess.”

“Not ‘I guess,’” Remus leaned forward, setting his foot back on the ground. “He did. He interrupted you. You were saying what he said back to you, and he finished your sentence. ‘I’m sweet.’”

“I know,” Finn said faintly. “I know.”

“What?”

Finn realized he was smiling a little. “Just—You and Sirius are so alike.”

“How could you know? I’m not sure I even knew him when I knew…” Remus blinked. “When I knew myself.”

Finn hoped Sirius never got wind of that. Not even an echo of those words. But with the way Remus had been lately, he’d be willing to guess he already had.

“You did,” Finn said. “You knew him. You and James knew him the best.”

“What’s the ‘best?’” Remus shook his head. “What if his ‘best’ was hardly at all?”

“Hey,” Finn said, shaking his head. “Sirius wants you to remember, too. He really, really cares about you.”

“That…” Remus pressed his lips together.

“And you care about him, too,” Finn said. “Kissing or not.”

Remus stood up. “What if I never—”

But then the office door was opening and Logan was coming towards him for the second time, this time with a fragile sort of relief written all over him. His eyes, his brow, his shoulders, even the way he took Finn’s hands in his.

“It’s over,” Pascal said before Logan could.

Finn brought Logan’s hands against his own chest, then to his mouth. “It’s—Lo?”

“I’m done,” Logan said softly, just for Finn. “Out.”

“Jesus.” James had his glasses off, rubbing at his eyes. He sat down and put his face in his hands, one thumb touching the scar where his tracker had been cut out. Sirius came out of the room. He said nothing, just sat down beside James. Finn watched Remus watch him.

“Where’s Leo?” Finn asked Logan.

Logan frowned, looking back towards the door. “Still inside?”

He stepped out from the office, then, looking tired, but relieved. Finn got a small smile from him, then he went to sit beside James.

“I want you all to lay low for a couple of days,” Pascal said. “You can leave the house if you like, stay somewhere else, but keep an eye out. Take precautions.”

“Are you sure? What if they come after someone?” Finn asked.

“Salazar is being dismantled as we speak. They will act quickly. Assets will be frozen, they’ll have very little power, and they’re in enough trouble as it is.”

“Right,” Remus said. “So a couple more kills won’t make a difference. Revenge doesn’t end when everything else does.”

“I won’t let that happen,” Sirius said.

“Who says you can stop it?”

This Remus, Finn thought, had a newfound ability to be right while being rude. It wasn’t something he’d done before. Logan had changed, too, he supposed. Being lost had quieted him, but it seemed to bring a certain loud, defensiveness out in Remus.

Pascal frowned at Remus like he was thinking the same thing.

Finn forgot all about it when Logan slipped his hand into Finn’s. “Allez.” He dropped a kiss to Finn’s shoulder. “Come with me.”

Finn let Logan lead them back up to their room. He had to stop him once on the landing halfway up the main staircase, and press him back against the wall by his hips. Logan let him.

“I’m still afraid,” Finn said. “Maybe—more afraid. Like I could get you back just to lose you again.” Finn pushed the hair back from Logan’s face. “Not maybe. Definitely.”

“I know.” Logan hooked his fingers in the loops of Finn’s jeans. “What will help? Stay here? Extra security. Go home?”

Finn shook his head. “I can’t—I don’t know if I’m ready for home. Even with you with me.”

Logan frowned at that, but didn’t push Finn for more. “Okay.”

“I can’t spend another second in this house, either.”

“So, we go somewhere,” Logan said. “Anywhere.” He leaned up and kissed the corner of Finn’s mouth. “Where do you want to go, Rouge?”

•

“Le?”

Finn stopped hard halfway down the entrance hall and began walking quickly towards Leo and the front door instead, eyes on the bag at Leo’s feet. “What are you…You’re leaving? Already?”

Leo looked up from where he was tapping something out on a new phone, then pocketed it. “I—oh. Yeah.”

He looked—caught, somehow. Guilty.

Were you going to say goodbye?

Finn fought off the question.

“Um.” Leo wasn’t quite looking at him. He was fiddling with the zippers on his jacket’s pockets. “It’s been a few years since I spent a Christmas with my family. So. Gotta break the news to them, too. At least, as much as I can.”

Finn stopped in front of him. He forgot sometimes. That Leo was a little younger than them. But he looked it a bit, just now. Sad. Exhausted.

“They’ll be so happy to see you,” Finn said. “I would be.”

“Yeah, it’ll be good.” Leo sniffed a little, shoulders up at the cold coming in from the front door.

“Should you really go alone, or—I mean, be alone?”

“I’ll be okay,” Leo said. “What about you two?”

Finn was still stuck on Leo alone on a plane when Christmas came.

“Well, I…” Finn looked down at his bags again. “We’re going to France. We’re gonna take the train. Our families are there and we figured…”

Leo finally looked at him, then, eyes wide. “Oh, wow. That’ll be…”

“A shock?” Finn laughed a little. “Yeah. The plan is maybe for me to go in first and break the news so they don’t think they’ve like…lost it. When they see him. But, fuck, who knows if they’ll even believe me. They’ll probably think I’ve lost it.” Finn shook his head. Alex was going to think he’d gone insane. “But we were hoping—”

“Good plan,” Leo said, then broke off. “Oh, sorry, what were you saying?”

“Well, we were just thinking that if you didn’t have plans, maybe you wanted to come with us? I mean… After the shock…It’s Nice. It’s a big old house on the water. It’s wonderful. And…” Finn tried for a smile, taking a step forward. “We really want you there. A lot. I do. I want you there.”

I want you to tilt Logan’s chin up even more when he kisses you. How do I tell you that? How do I tell him that?

Leo drew in a slow breath. Finn tried to track the expressions that fled over his face, but they were there and gone too fast. Leo’s smile was fleeting, too.

“That’s nice of you,” he said.

“Come,” Finn said softly. “Come with us.”

But Leo shook his head. “That’s something you two need to do together. No one in your family knows who I am, I’ll be in the way.”

“You won’t. You could never be in the way. And—we will do it together,” Finn said. “But—”

“I can’t,” Leo said. He looked away. “I can’t, thank you.”

“Okay… Okay.” His heart started a path all the way down to the pit of his stomach. “Okay, well… If you change your mind—or after you’ve seen your parents, I’m going to have Lo send you the address, okay?”

“Okay.”

Finn hated this. He hated this coldness from Leo. He didn’t know what to do with it. He nodded towards the house. “Lo’s gonna want to say bye. I mean, were you just going to leave?”

Leo cleared his throat and stooped to shoulder his bag. “I should. If I’m going to make it while there’s still some of tomorrow left.”

Finn blinked fast, confused. “Leo.”

This wasn’t like him at all.

But Leo kept turning away, and Finn couldn’t let him leave like that. Like this. Whatever this was.

“Leo.” He grabbed his arm and held fast. Saw the way Leo closed his eyes.

“Wait,” Finn said. “Wait, just… Wait.”

Finn had the sudden, sugar-tasting urge to call him sweetheart and put a hand on his cheek.

Something was going to fall right out of his chest, right now, and he couldn’t stop it, no matter the mess. Logan had covered him in blood and tears for days now. He wanted Leo in their mess, too.

“I don’t know—I don’t have the words right now,” Finn said. “And I haven’t—talked to Lo about how I’ve been… There’s been hardly room for anything more than this relief that feels like it might crush me sometimes. Like I’ll just die under the weight of it, what the hell is up with that?” Leo gave a quiet nod. Like he felt it, too. Finn dropped his voice and put his other hand into Leo’s, squeezing even when Leo’s remained loose. “But you said, in the kitchen, you said that something must be wrong with you for wanting two people.”

Leo’s shoulders went tight. He didn’t look at Finn. But he didn’t pull away, either. Snow whirled outside, pressing in against the windows.

“You’ve kissed us both,” Finn whispered. “We kissed you back, don’t pretend we didn’t. And don’t tell me we were tired, or lonely, or surprised. You want both of us.”

“Don’t,” Leo said sharply.

“Well.” Finn swallowed. “What must be wrong with me, when I just got my husband back…and it was my only wish, for so long, but every second I spend with you, I want—”

“Don’t Finn.”

Finn never wanted to hear him say his name like that. Like it hurt to say. Leo wasn’t looking at him again. His eyes were down, the blue bright in the slanting light coming in through the from door window.

“You got your boy back,” Leo said, and pulled free. “Go be with him.”

Finn went to the door as Leo walked down the steps. Something like panic tightened his chest as he watched Leo make it five steps down the pathway—

And turn back. Fuck, Finn saw him mouth and then Leo was pushing back up the front steps and pulling Finn into a tight, one-armed hug. He pressed their cheeks together. Finn clutched him back, tangled his fingers in gold hair and turned to press his lips to Leo’s cheek.

“You don’t believe me,” Finn whispered.

“No,” Leo said. “Look who you already have.” Leo’s mouth brushed his jaw. “He’s so perfect.”

Well. That, at least, was something he could reverse. Fix. Maybe not now. Maybe not until he had a soft-eyed, perfect Logan in on the—well. Mission. Target: Leo. See, Finn absolutely could have been a spy. No matter what Sirius Black thought.

“Will you…” Finn closed his eyes and pressed his mouth to the cold fabric of Leo’s coat. “Will you let us know that you’re safe?”

“Yes,” Leo said. He pulled back and, thank God, looked at Finn. Looked at Finn’s mouth. “I will. You too.”

Finn nodded. He couldn’t help it. He looked at Leo’s. Pink, a little chapped. The train. On the train, when Finn had had to tilt his chin up when Leo—

“Good,” Leo said. He put a hand on Finn’s cheek, and then left Finn to watch him walk all the way through the gate this time, and disappear into the busy streets.

•

It was nearing six when Finn watched Logan hold the keycard up to their sleeping compartment on the train to Paris. The door clicked and Logan sent a smile over his shoulder as he slid it open.

It wasn’t identical to the one they’d been in, but it was close enough to give Finn goosebumps over the back of his neck. Stacked, twin beds. Private shower, small sink and fridge. Another bottle of champagne, this time a full-sized.

Snow was going to race by out the window, and Logan was going to be in here, all of him this time, with Finn. Loving him.

“I meant to ask,” Finn said as he set their bags down. “Do you remember everything from when you…forgot?” Finn scrunched his nose up at the strange sentence. “Do you remember the train ride here? Dreaming. Asking me what’s real.” Logan turned towards him and Finn let him pull him closer. “Letting me hug you?”

“Calling me ‘baby.’” Logan smiled and closed his eyes when Finn took his face in his hands. Logan turned to kiss his palm and stayed there for a moment. “Ouais. I remember. But it’s…It’s like a dream or something.”

Nightmare. Logan kissed him twice more. Short, slow things.

“Because now my mind can’t imagine not knowing you. It’s like a weird, tripped up wire,” Logan said. His eyes went all over Finn’s face. “Not knowing you’re home for me. That the first time we kissed, all the lights shut off and we were the only two people in the world.” Logan smiled when Finn did. “Or that the morning after we slept together for the first time, I wrote you a note because I had an eight AM and…and then the notes just never stopped.”

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Logan wrapped his arms around Finn’s neck and Finn tugged at the zipper of his winter coat, beginning to pull it down. The chills were fading. The fog of relief and grief, so similar really, had cleared a little once they’d stepped out of that house. And Finn was starting to think about what it had felt like to have Logan entirely. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about sex with Logan for a long, long time, but those memories, here, alone, leapt forward now. He could see them in Logan’s face, too, as Finn slowly undid the zipper. A small hitch in his breathing, finally not due to tears.

“It can’t imagine that I don’t know…” Logan broke off with a grin as Finn bent to kiss him once, softly. “Don’t know that you have perfect cursive.”

“Mm, no I don’t.” Finn made Logan let go long enough that he could push the coat from his shoulders. He wore a thick green sweater underneath.

“Ouais.” Logan tugged at the buttons on Finn’s jacket. “Or not knowing that neither of us can cook but there was that one birthday of mine where you tried anyway, and you made your mom’s spaghetti, but it didn’t work so you just dropped to your knees in the kitchen…”

Logan trailed off, lips parted. Finn pressed closer.

“Lo…” Sort of a question. Sort of a plea.

Logan nodded hard. “Mm…” He bit back his smile, then let it free, laughing as he grabbed onto Finn’s collar. He held him tight, rubbing their noses together, back and forth, one, two, three, until they were kissing again. One, another, a third.

Finn breathed him in. Everything about him said I love you. Even the wordless things.

“No suits or ties with us,” Logan said. “Think it’s the same guy in the dining car? Going to give us the stupid suits or jackets to borrow again?”

Finn shook his head and bent to nip at Logan’s lip. “No.”

“Non?”

“Nope.” Finn shrugged out of his jacket and let it drop to the floor with Logan’s. He didn’t care if their snowy boots left footprints on them. “As in…” He dropped to a knee slowly. “We’re not going to need suits or jackets.”

He let his fingertips wander over the zipper of Logan’s jeans, could see the way Logan’s breathing jumped, and then whistled two notes and dropped his fingers to start tugging at his own shoe laces.

Logan laughed, putting a hand over his eyes. “God, I love you.”

Finn made quick work of their shoes, nearly throwing Logan off balance once when he brought his foot up to kiss his ankle through his sock. He set his foot on his thigh and kissed his jean-clad calf, then the inside of knee.

“We’ve been traveling.” Finn tilted his head into the feeling of Logan’s fingers weaving into his hair. “You wanna shower?”

Logan was already shaking his head. He already looked like Finn had been kissing him for hours, just by the blush on his cheeks.

“Non,” Logan whispered. He knelt, knees spreading to straddle Finn’s thighs. Finn sat back on his heels and took his weight, spanning his fingers over his lower back. Logan thumbed over Finn’s button lip, then swiped gently beneath his eye. “Finn…”

Finn heard the question in Logan’s voice and kissed his yes? right to his mouth and then chin.

Logan took a breath. “Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?”

That took Finn off guard. Almost completely. He pulled back some. Logan drew in another breath, eyebrows pulling together. He almost looked afraid of Finn’s answer.

“Forgive you?” Finn repeated.

The cabin felt very small around them, or maybe it was only Finn’s throat tightening at the way Logan looked so—so sorry. Like he really thought Finn was sitting there, angry at him still.

“Forgive you?” Finn whispered again. “Forgive you—Lo…” Finn let out half a laugh. “Baby, I forgave you, if that’s even the right word, the second I saw your reflection, standing behind me, holding a gun to my head.”

Haunted as the words were, they made them both smile, just a little. At the absurdity of it all.

“Oh God.” Logan’s palm covered the back of Finn’s head protectively. He leaned down and kissed Finn’s jaw. “Can you…” He tugged at the hem of Finn’s sweater. “Let me see you.”

Finn let Logan tuck cold fingers beneath the hem of his red sweater and tug it over his head. His t-shirt stuck and came with it. Logan sniffed a little, and Finn made a soft sound when he looked up to find his eyes damp.

“Those eyelashes,” Finn whispered as Logan put his hands on Finn’s bare chest. “C’mere, baby.” Finn lifted the green wool from Logan’s body until he got to kiss smooth, tan skin. The scars were there. Shoulder. Clean shot, right through, and his neck, a more gnarled thing. Finn kissed the one on his neck hard. “Of course I forgive you. Of course I do.”

Logan ducked to kiss Finn hard. He smoothed his hands up to Finn’s shoulders. When Finn opened his eyes a little, just to make sure there were no more tears, he saw the shadows of the snow falling outside drift across Logan’s face and chest. Finn got his hands beneath Logan’s thighs and rose until he could lower them both on the narrow bottom bunk.

Logan’s arms wrapped beneath Finn’s shoulders, trailing up and down his spine.

“Here,” Finn mumbled into the kiss, and got the pillow behind Logan’s head. “Gotta keep all those—mm…” Logan’s teeth were as sharp and playful as he remembered. “—pretty little memories safe.”

“I am safe,” Logan said as he got his hands on Finn’s belt. His fingers were warm now, and the dry slide against Finn’s hot, hardening cock made him tilt his forehead into Logan’s neck. “I’m with you.”

They lost some frantic, chasing kisses as they pushed their pants and underwear away. Finn lost some time pressing against Logan’s bare, warm body. It was covered with more of those snow shadows. Snowflakes, dark smudges over his skin, falling. Finn wanted to catch them with his tongue. So he did.

Each shadow he saw, he pressed a kiss to, then followed it with his mouth. Finn dragged his lips up Logan’s skin until another one shadow came along. He caught that one, too.

Logan’s soft laughter only faded into him when he felt his muscles jump beneath his mouth. He kept his lips on Logan’s skin and looked up at him. He reached down, fingers finding the velvet skin behind Logan’s cock and watched Logan bite his lip.

“I missed you.” Logan said, pulling Finn up from his chest for a kiss. “I think—Even when I didn’t know, I missed you the whole time.”

Missed. Was that the word?

“Needed,” Logan whispered as Finn drew his fingers down the soft swell of his ass. His eyes slipped shut as Finn’s finger pressed inside. “Needed, need, need, Finn—”

Logan was everything. The way his cheeks got hot, the way his mouth went red. The thick gloss of his eyelashes. He was every bit as strong as Finn remembered, shoulders broad, his thick thighs pressing around Finn’s hips. Logan’s cock weeped against his stomach, shining enough that Finn nearly stopped and ducked down to take him in his mouth instead.

It was something like nerves, though, a hard pounding in his heart, when he went to slick himself up and pressed the hot head of his cock against Logan. He could tell Logan felt it, too.

“Tell me the truth,” Logan panted as Finn leaned forward to kiss him, unable to resist rubbing the heat of himself over Logan’s skin.

“What?” Finn bent to kiss below his jaw and could have melted into the soft sound Logan made. “Anything.”

“Am I the same?”

Finn could feel, in the hot length of Logan pressed to his stomach, his heart beating. Both of their hearts beating. He couldn’t stop himself when, at the press of Logan’s hands on his lower back, he brought their erections together in a slow rub. Both of their breathing cut off and Logan swore softly before kissing him again.

“After so long,” Logan said. “Am I what you remember?”

“Yes,” Finn nodded. “God. Yes, yes…”

Logan’s voice broke as Finn ground down again. “I was so worried I…wouldn’t be.”

“You’re what I could recognize anywhere.” Finn reached back and smoothed a hand down Logan’s thigh, bringing it around his waist. “God. Even when nothing’s the same, you’re what I know.”

Finn reached between them, gave Logan a few strokes in a tight fist because he couldn’t resist, then gripped himself and, with another look at Logan’s bright eyes, pushed inside.

The air shifted. Heavy, like a blanket. Logan’s chest momentarily stopped below his, then heaved with a low moan. His fingers dug into Finn’s shoulders. It would have sounded like pain if Finn wasn’t where he was, hard and aching inside of him.

“You’re so—” Finn broke off, lips against Logan’s. Not kissing, not quite. Logan was breathing just as hard against him. “Warm.” Finn had to close his eyes against it. Against the months of imagining freezing ocean depths. “Warm.”

Finn pulled back to push in once more, to experience it all again, and Logan drew in a harsh breath. He arched into Finn’s hips, pressed a hard kiss to Finn’s mouth, then hooked his heel behind Finn’s leg until he could flip them and sit up. He leaned over Finn, his necklace pooling against Finn’s chest, and sank back onto his cock. Logan’s mouth dropped open as he pressed Finn into his body as hard as he could.

Finn panted, pressing his head back into the pillows.

“Non, look at me,” Logan gasped. “Regarde.” Logan bit at Finn’s jaw, then dragged his lips and tongue along his cheek to his mouth.

Finn kept his eyes open against the pleasure only because of that green color. He’d dreamed of it. He’d longed and hoped for it. He’d never thought he’d see it again.

Logan’s next gasp, the next hard roll of his hips, came with a smile. He leaned into the cradling hand Finn put on the side of his neck. His eyes fluttered and he lost his rhythm, his balance, and Finn put him on his back again with an easy turn. He needed—control. He needed Logan right where he put him.

Logan’s thighs instantly clutched around his hips, his blunt nails dug into his hair.

“This is also what I remember,” Finn whispered, and Logan’s answering laugh was pure bliss.

“Rouge—” Logan panted as Finn rocked into him, slow at first, then faster. A snapping, pulse of a rhythm. Finn got his hand under Logan’s ass and pulled him closer with a hard yank that made Logan tuck his face into Finn’s neck with a low, drawn-out sound.

He felt Logan bite down on his shoulder, hard. “Ah, Lo…”

Let that break skin. Let that last forever.

“Love you,” Logan said—or something like it. A blurred cross between English and French. “Love you—” He cut off with a gasp as his head fell back.

“I love you,” Finn said as he kissed his bared neck. “Oh God, I need you, I needed you so badly…”

The roar of the train faded away. The wheels and the sounds of cabin doors sliding open and shut. The slight rattling of the glasses on the fold out table, the hum of their small refrigerator. Finn fucked Logan harder until it was just the sound of their skin meeting, until Finn’s back was so slick with sweat that Logan’s hands slipped and left red marks. Until Logan burned so hot around his cock, under his mouth and hands that the thought of that cold ocean, cold guns, cold beds, cold untouched food, cold graveyard, wet grass, fresh dirt, coffin, empty, cold bathroom tiles, retching, cold showers as he tried to go to work, cold, cold, cold—gone.

All replaced by heat. Logan’s breath panting short and raspy against his cheek. His kisses. Warm sweat sliding down his temples and neck to turn to salt on Finn’s tongue. Warm hands on Finn’s back, and when he hit just right, that warm, white smile and pulled together brows of pure, burning bliss. Even his heels, notched against Finn’s back, were like to hot pressure points.

“Finn…” Logan whispered, the word broken up and jolted by the snap of Finn’s hips. “Please, please, yes—”

And Finn stilled. His orgasm stole his breath. His heart wasn’t his, never had been, it leapt right for Logan, clinging tight. His hips pushed tight against Logan’s body, and he stayed buried deep as he began to come.

“Oh—” Logan’s voice came out hoarse. Had he been loud? Yes. Yes, Finn realized, they’d both been. He could feel the answering moans in his throat still. Logan’s teeth scraped Finn’s jaw, and by the way he tightened around his cock, Finn knew he’d jammed up just right inside him. Logan dropped his head back against the pillows and gasped, then tucked his face back against Finn’s neck.

When another wave of his orgasm hit, a sound stuttered out of Finn and he pulled back just enough to press into Logan again, cock straining as he emptied himself. Logan’s nails dug into his shoulders and Finn finally breathed as Logan began to come between them. Talk about heat. A liquid, burning brand that Finn wanted to taste.

Finn began to push into him in short, hard strokes. “Lo.” He ducked to press his forehead to Logan’s temple and Logan met him for a messy kiss. His hands pressed to Finn’s ass as he guided his hips to snap faster. It was too much, too sensitive, but Finn wouldn’t have pulled away for anything. If Logan wanted more, he’d get more. Finn would stay just like this until they got to Paris.

He let his weight go, all of it, to trap Logan’s wet cock between them, rutting against it as he—he stopped softening inside of him. Maybe—well, he hadn’t even thought of sex for months now. One dream, two months ago, where he’d woken up covered in his own come and promptly burst into tears. His body, forcing him into release.

This wasn’t that. This was Logan lighting up every nerve in his body. He needed to be deeper. He needed to be closer.

“Come here.” He kissed Logan’s sweat damp temple and pulled back just enough to bend Logan’s knee, turning Logan onto his side. Logan’s balls looked heavy and swollen still and Finn paused to cup them gently. Logan was shaking a little, eyes closed and mouth open. He tried not to slip out of him, but he did, and Logan’s whine went straight to his cock. “Shh, shh…” He plastered himself against his back and wrapped a tight fist around Logan’s cock. Logan sucked in a breath and planted one foot on the bed, reaching behind him and taking Finn’s cock in his hand, trying to guide it back into place.

“God,” Finn whispered. He pressed his teeth to Logan’s neck, gave him one tight stroke before covering Logan’s fingers with his and guiding the head of his cock against Logan. “I’m hard again.” He laughed breathlessly and kissed where his teeth had left red imprints. “That’s a you thing, usually.”

Logan’s answering laugh was half moan, hand reaching back to tangle in Finn’s hair as Finn pressed back into him.

“Oh, sweetheart…” Finn whispered. He pressed a flat palm to Logan’s lower stomach. “Never leave me again.”

Logan shook his head, went to speak, but instead seized up around Finn.

Finn stroked him through in the slow, twisting passes he knew Logan liked. He dripped over Finn’s knuckles, down onto the sheets beneath them. Finn pressed in and stayed there, reveling, grinding in until Logan’s pleased sound let him know he was pulsing inside of him again and something that had been darkly dormant for what felt like eons clicked a light back on.

•

“Hi there,” Finn said. “We’re calling from Cabin…” Tilted his head. “Uh, 28. Yeah, 28. We’d love to order some dinner to our room.” He looked at Logan and winced with one eye closed. “No, it’s not because of the attire, we prefer to eat in.” Logan muffled his laugh in his shoulder and reached down to rub a warm hand along Finn’s inner thigh. “Yes, I know there are spare jackets. Yes, we’d still like to eat in our rooms.” While the woman was answering, Finn pressed his fingers to Logan’s jaw and turned his head up for a sideways kiss. “Mm—what? Oh, thank you, thank you.”

He gave the order. Two steak frites, two manhattans, and ice to put the champagne on. Bread rolls, caesar salads…

“Yes, bring the cocktails first, please, that’d be wonderful. I appreciate it. Oh, and the ice, if it’s not too much trouble.”

“So polite,” Logan whispered, then hooked a leg around Finn’s hips and closed his eyes with his head against his shoulder.

Finn reached down and cupped his soft cock which only made Logan press his tongue to his neck.

“Thank you so much,” Finn said, then hung up the phone. Looked down at Logan, their noses brushing.

Too dark for snowflake shadows now. Just the two of them and the warm bedside light. Logan pressed closer, green eyes bright and happy and sated. After one dragging kiss, the words were out of Finn’s mouth before he could do anything about them.

“You’re alive.”

Logan’s eyes went sad.

“No, no.” Finn shook his head, swallowing hard. He placed his fingers between the gentle indents of Logan’s ribs. Felt them deepen and go shallow as he breathed. “It’s not disbelief anymore. It’s just true.”

Logan pressed his hand over Finn’s heart. “How are your classes? Tell me everything I missed.”

The temptation was there to tell Logan he hadn’t missed anything. It wasn’t missing. It was…something else.

Good thing Logan knew him the way he knew him.

“Not missed, then.” A quick kiss to Finn’s lips. “Tell me, though.”

Finn sighed and gave himself a full ten seconds to run his hands over Logan’s warm skin before he could answer.

“I’m gonna give the kids whiplash when we start up again,” he said. “I’ve been sleepwalking.”

Every time he thought it, it got more true.

“Leo said…” Logan began, then stopped.

“What did Leo say?”

LeoLeoLeoLeo.

Logan wet his lips. “More… More what he wouldn’t say. Just. How awful it was. How I…”

“It was.” Finn said. “Of course it was. It was bad, I—I was bad. I…A lot of it in the beginning is a little…blurry. I don’t know…”

Logan tilted his chin up. Finn smiled a little and leaned down for a kiss.

“Can you tell me?” Logan whispered.

“Mm…” Finn shook his head. Something shattered wracked through him. Dark, cold, and empty.

But—blue eyes.

“Do you really want to know?” Finn asked.

Logan nodded. “I want every part of you.”

A knock on the door.

Finn looked at him for another moment, then pressed a soft kiss to his mouth and got up to get their cocktails and ice because, he realized, he didn’t have the words.

Not even close.

Logan was beautiful with whiskey. He stole Finn’s brandied cherry right out of his mouth with a kiss and a pass of his tongue, and Finn was just thinking he’d have to lay him down again when the food came. Finn felt like he could taste for the first time again. Leo’s cake had felt the same. Rich and chocolatey. The steak was peppery and the fries were thin and salted. Logan’s strong hands popped the champagne cork and when they both went to catch the fizzing over liquid, they ended up in a messy kiss among the sweet bubbles.

“Oh, oh,” Logan said when they were halfway through the meal. His feet were in Finn’s lap under the table and Finn was more interested in keeping a hand on his ankle than cutting his steak. Logan saw, of course, and passed him bites from his own fork. Now, he had a sharp grin on. “Martha.”

“Oh my God,” Finn laughed. “You and Martha. You and your weird little competition with Martha fucking Stephens.”

“Mhm,” Logan said chewing as he grinned. He had his champagne glass in hand and high color on his cheeks. Finn wanted to bathe in that color. “What…” The smile dimmed a little. “Did…”

“I never told them. The students.” Well… “I never told anyone at work.”

Logan’s eyes widened a bit. He set his glass down. “Really?”

Finn shook his head. “I don’t know what they must have thought was wrong with me…” God, was that ever a question. He’d seen the way he’d come into work sometimes. Seen the pale, sickly look of his face. Knew how many conversations he’d had to be startled back into. Concerned looks. Knocks on his office door to ask if he was well. He’d smiled through all of it.

He tightened his hold on Logan’s ankle and rubbed a thumb over the arch of his foot. “I didn’t care enough to wonder what they thought.”

Logan was watching him with his mouth slightly pulled to one side.

“I’m too far away,” Logan said softly.

Finn took a sip of champagne and gave Logan’s ankle a tug. “Sometimes I forget I’m sitting with a man who’s been trained to read people."

Logan gave a shy smile.

“Oh, what the hell’s that look?” Finn said. “You’re so full of shit, being shy, come take a look at the bite marks on my neck.”

Logan gave a real laugh, then. Head back. Finn’s heart all but burst as Logan pushed himself up from his seat and slid onto Finn’s side of the small bench and right up against his side.

They settled into bed after showers—the water stream was too small for both of them.

It got dark with the lights off. They were curled together on the top bunk—neither of them had ended up bothering with the new sheets—and Finn felt like nothing could ever touch them again. Logan’s head on his chest. They were in a ship, far out at sea. A hammock on some beach somewhere. This tiny bed that shouldn’t have fit them comfortably even a little, but did. Every once in a while, a light from some town lit up the far wall. Someone walked by outside. Voices. But with their legs entwined beneath the tightly fitted sheets and quilt… It was just them.

He knew Logan was awake. For a little while he’d been still against him, but now he was tracing feather-light patterns over his chest through his t-shirt. Touching Finn’s wedding ring, rubbing his fingertips over the warmed metal.

Maybe Logan was trained to read people, but he was also in love. He knew Finn needed to talk.

Finn was in love, too. He knew Logan was waiting.

Finn breathed in, and found one shard of these last months. Sharp edges and all. He looked it in its face.

“I had a really hard time with—With there not being… With not having your body.”

He kept it as a whisper. Felt Logan’s hand still, but he didn’t move otherwise. He resumed the soft tracing.

“I didn’t expect that.” Finn stared at a shadow darting across the ceiling. “I don’t know why I would want to see you like that. That’s what Al said. Trying to make it better. And I don’t. I don’t want to see that. But…Not having it just meant you were—somewhere else? Somewhere. Somewhere and I didn’t know where.”

“Leo’s ocean,” Logan whispered.

“Yeah. Leo’s dreams… I’d say that sums it up pretty well.”

The pattern Logan traced turned into what Finn was fairly sure was a star. Then a figure eight, then nothing, just circles over Finn’s heart.

“And everyone says the thing,” Finn continued. “The thing, the—it’s not them anymore. It’s just a body, they’re gone. And I fucking hated that.” He pressed his teeth together. “I fucking…hated that. But I hated everything else. Nothing would have been better, there’s no better, there’s no making it better.”

Logan flatted his palm.

“There’s no better, there’s just sitting there. Through it. Letting it just…It just is there, and you’ll go outside and people are just…doing things. Normal things. And I hated that, too. There was a day after the funeral and Alex was staying with me and he said, just…Like it was just any day. He says, let’s go grab something to eat. And I know, I know he was just trying to get me out of the house, and neither of us cook, and just was trying, trying anything but I…” Finn felt his throat tighten. “Lo, I lost it at him. I fucking just…” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I’ve never talked to him like that. I completely lost my…self. My mind. I screamed at him. And he just took it. Let me hit him. I made his lip bleed.”

Logan was tense in his arms now, palm pressing down on Finn’s chest, fingers a little curled in.

“Let me exhaust myself more like.” Finn huffed out a bitter laugh. “I don’t remember after. I just remember waking up and it was morning and I was on the couch, and Al was sleeping—” Finn pressed his lips together against the tears. “—on the floor. Next to me. And he had this swollen fucking lip and I was so sorry, but…”

Finn put a hand over his eyes.

“But he’d grabbed your sweatshirt.” The words came out thick. “He was wearing your sweatshirt.”

It was clear as day in his mind. This part. The look on Alex’s face, the way he’d kept his hands up, not once shouting back. His exhausted brown eyes, in pain because Finn was in pain.

“Any sorriness that I’d felt seeing him sleeping on the fucking floor with the split lip I’d given him, it just—it was just gone. Woke him up trying to get the sweatshirt off of him. Because I knew I only had so many that would still smell like you, and that was one of them. Woke him up fucking tearing it off of him and screaming at him all over again, to get out, to not touch anything because…Everything just becomes a shrine.”

I’m not leaving. Fish—hey, no. Stop. I’m not leaving. Hit me. Hit me again. Hit me all you want, I’m not fucking leaving you.

“Became a memory I’d lose if I moved something that you’d touched. And so I couldn’t move.” His eyes blurred over, unfocused. “So I stayed still. Very still for the first month. If I didn’t touch anything…You’d…”

Hardly able to breathe in Alex’s arms. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

Finn let his hand fall away. Logan covered it with his own. “There’s no reasoning with grief. Pins you down and keeps you.”

A soft sound let Finn know Logan was crying, too. He felt lips press to his knuckles.

“Alex,” Logan said softly. “God, will he be—?”

“Yeah, he’s in Nice,” Finn said. “Really didn’t like it when he saw I wasn’t coming. Really didn’t.”

“He stayed with you.”

“Yeah,” Finn whispered. “As long as he could. And then…”

Finally, Logan shifted. He tilted his head up to see Finn’s face. “Then?”

“Then Leo.”

Logan’s eyes softened. “Leo.”

That first knock on the door. Well—no. Not exactly.

“He had a key,” Finn said. “Did you know he had a key?”

Logan smiled a little, shaking his head.

“Yeah. I actually didn’t know he was there the first time. I came out of the bedroom and opened the fridge for some water and it was completely filled with food. Labeled containers—his handwriting—of just a ton of food. The freezer, too.”

Logan’s soft laugh was…well. Smitten? Maybe? Finn had to bite back a small smile, wiping at his eyes.

“I fell into his arms and cried. For—I don’t know. It felt like hours. And he just took it. Held me. And then I woke up to him sitting next to me on the couch again, who fucking knows what time it was, but it was dark out, and he’d turned on those warm lights you like—I hadn’t touched them. And I almost just…freaked, but… He set down two mugs. I thought it was soup, but it was just broth. People had been trying to force me into all of these meals. Everything just felt like too much.”

“That’s not like you,” Logan said.

“I know.” Finn traced a thumb over his brow. “It was like the sad filled me up. And I just couldn’t do it. But he just let me sit there and go slow and he talked about other stuff. And I finished the whole thing. It was honestly the best I’d felt in…forever. Since they told me.”

“Who told you?”

“Sirius and James.”

“Not Leo?”

“No, but he came after, that same night. Found me on the floor. I thought I was never going to move again.” Finn tilted their temples together. “In the beginning, he was a piece of you. Your world. Another part of the things I couldn’t move. But he became so much more than that. He’s the reason I was able to go back to work.” Finn nodded. “Yeah. He—he’d lay down next to me. He’d stay all night. And sometimes I’d…”

Logan was already nodding. “It’s okay. It’s okay, tell me.”

“I’d wake up holding him. And, yeah, part of me, while I was asleep, thought he was you. But I also…I was so grateful he was there. So glad he was there.”

They looked at each other for a long moment. Finn knew they were both thinking about the fact that Logan had kissed him. Somehow, it just made Finn feel warmer, like Logan really did know how important Leo was. He wanted to tell Logan about the train. He would. Soon.

“I swear to God, Lo.” Finn’s voice was hardly there when he spoke next. Not as if it were a secret. As if were sacred, just for them. “Lo, he saved my life—”

Logan sat up sharply. He had a hand over his mouth, like he might be sick. His back muscles pulled hard and he pressed both palms over his face then, tears breaking a sound from his throat.

Finn sat up, too, hand on the back of his neck. He squeezed gently and let out a harsh sob. “I know. I know, baby, I know.”

Logan reached out blindly and took Finn’s hand, pressed it to his lips. He turned and wrapped his arms tightly around Finn’s shoulders, nearly knocking them both into the pillows. But Finn resettled them, leaning back against the wall that mirrored the side of the train, feeling it rumble against his spine as they sped through the night. He closed his eyes when he felt kiss after kiss being pressed to his neck, combined with the hot drip of tears.

“Shh…” Finn said gently, rocking them back and forth.

“I can’t picture you like that.”

“Yeah.” He pressed a kiss to Logan’s hair. “I hardly can, either.”

Eventually Logan pulled back and sat half in Finn’s lap, half beside him. His eyes were red.

“Finn,” he said, sniffing, and then kissed the soft place right between Finn’s eyebrows. Then his cheek, his mouth, just like he had when he remembered. “I…”

Logan swore softly.

“What?” Finn asked. “What is it?”

“It’s Leo.”

Finn nodded. He hadn’t been sure when it would come up, but he knew it would. If not at Logan’s hand, then his own. Logan didn’t look nervous exactly. Maybe they were fresh out of nerves. He leaned in and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to Finn’s mouth, and all Finn could think about was how he was sure that Logan had kissed Leo back, and whether or not he’d done it like that. He hoped he had.

He hoped he had.

And what the hell did that say about the three of them?

“I know we—talked about the kiss. When I remembered it and asked you at that apartment. Well—maybe we didn’t talk-talk about it, but I…”

There were probably a thousand different things to say, but Finn only landed on one.

“It’s okay,” Finn said. “Lo, really.”

“I never told you,” Logan said, a bit pleadingly. “I never told you, I’m—so sorry. I wasn’t sure how because I fucking love you so, so much and I got scared— And I keep waiting for you to say something now that I’m back, but you’re…” Logan laughed a little, disbelieving. “You haven’t? You haven’t said anything, why haven’t you…”

“Leo kissed me on the train.”

Logan’s eyes went a bit wide. “The train.”

“Mhm. The train here. You were sleeping, he took me to dinner, I found out he was behind 1017…” Finn pushed gently at Logan’s chest, and when Logan realized he was biting back a smile, his face opened up. He settled himself back on his elbows, then let himself rest on his back as Finn hovered over him. “I kissed him right…” Finn leaned down and pressed a lingering kiss to Logan’s cheek. “…here, and he kissed me.”

When Finn made to pull back Logan hooked his hands under his arms and pressed warm palms to the expanse of his back.

“He kissed us both?” Logan whispered.

They were back in their far-away world again, speeding through the night of snow-shadows, only, now that they’d slotted entirely back together, the spaces that were empty glared bright.

“He said something in the kitchen,” Finn said.

“What, what did he say to you?”

“He said something about wanting a married couple, and how he thinks something’s wrong with him for it.” Finn finished the sentence with his lips against Logan’s neck, just to feel his pulse pick up. “So, why don’t we call it square, Tremblay? Since we both liked it so much.”

There. There was the thrum, right beneath his teeth.

“He said that?” Logan’s fingers tightened in Finn’s hair and he pulled him back so he could see his face. “Rouge, he said that to you?”

Finn nodded. “He told me about Paris, too. When he thought you’d left, but you came and found him.”

Logan blinked, eyes going just over Finn’s shoulder, as if the memory was there. “Oh…” A small, gentle smile crossed his face. “He’d had a hard mission. It was just—everything almost went wrong. And if it had, it was all going to be on him. I wanted to see my family before coming home to you, but then James said he was staying, so…” His eyes went back to Finn’s. “We talked about you all night.”

Finn blinked. “What?”

“We did.” Logan tilted his chin up and Finn accepted the gentle kiss. “About the way you look when you talk with your hands, and your glasses, and we talked about how hard it is to leave you behind. We talked about 1017, too. The messages.” Logan scraped gentle teeth along Finn’s lower lip. “I…You know what, maybe I knew he wanted you, too. Maybe I knew then.” Logan took a breath. “I knew that I wanted him. Maybe it wasn’t love yet, like with you, but maybe I wasn’t letting myself see it. Is that horrible? If I said it was happening then?”

Finn ducked down to rub their noses together once. “Oh God, no. No, it isn’t horrible at all.” Logan’s hand curled around the back of his neck and kept him there. The train gave a small lurch against the rail and night, but they didn’t move. “What are we doing, Lo? I just got you back, I didn’t think I’d be… Have room for…But I…” Finn laughed a little when he blinked and two tears almost comically landed on Logan’s cheeks. “Oh, fuck, sorry.”

“Non,” Logan said, knees raising to cradle Finn’s hips more tightly. His own eyes were bright, too. “I like it, I… I can’t believe he…”

Finn rolled onto his side so they were face to face, heads close at the end of the bed. Finn didn’t feel turned upside-down at all. None of this felt wrong or flipped. He could sleep now, each bite of food was full of flavor, Logan’s laugh was real, and Leo… Leo?

“You know, all this crying we’re doing…” Finn said. “No one would ever guess we just had some insanely great sex.”

“Mm.” Logan pressed forward until they were all tangled together again. “We did. So good. You feel so good.” He pushed his nose just beneath Finn’s ear, at the hinge of his jaw. “Smell so good.”

His accent was thick. Just like it always got when he was tired. Exhausted, probably. Finn felt it, too, but he knew there was no way he was getting right to sleep after all that. Alex, and Leo. The grief and whatever came next. He gently arranged them until his arm was beneath Logan’s head and he could see his face clearly. His eyes crinkled a little with a tired smile.

“You want to close your eyes?” Finn whispered. “C’mon. Sleep just like this. Dream of Leo.”

“Mm…your arm will fall asleep.” But Logan’s eyes closed.

“No, it won’t.”

“Ouais.”

“I’ll move when I need to,” Finn said. “Just…” He settled with his back against the wall, Logan’s head heavy against him, chin tilted up a bit. Perfect for him to see his flushed cheeks. The relaxed cupid’s bow of his mouth. The dark freckle on the side of his nose, and Finn’s favorite three on his neck. “Just let me look at you a little.” He reached up and drew a gentle finger from Logan’s forehead down the slope of his nose. Watched the way his golden wedding band caught the faint light. “Go to sleep, Lo baby. We’ll be right here together all day tomorrow.”

Christmas Day, Finn realized.

“Rouge…” Logan’s breathing evened out, heavy and soft for Finn to feel in every part that was touching him.

“Yeah?” Finn whispered.

“Call Leo tomorrow,” Logan said softly. “We call Leo, and we tell him to come home.”

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