Rules: Yes it would be super cool if you did a traditional bingo, however please create something with words that you are drawn to.
You can write, draw, collage to your hearts content.
Next, for the love of everything good and glitter filled in this world â¨NO AI CONTENT⨠be creative and use your own noggin.
During the week of July 6th-12th please make sure you make a post here on tumblr and tag this blog so that I can reblog it as well as tagging @lumosinlove for their lovely characters they have created.
Lastly, please have fun with this event. I enjoy this fest every year and I know so many others do too.
Thomas had found it when he wasnât looking for it. He found a lot of things when he wasnât looking. Heâd found Noelle that way, hadnât he? JustâŚwatched her walk into family skate next to Loganâstill in his sad-green daysâand found her. Or, she had found him? That sounded more correct. Heâd brought her a piece of Celesteâs chocolate cake. Sat down. Remusâstill in his quarter-zip and khaki daysâhad laughed at him. God, donât think Iâve ever seen you nervous, T.
And Thomas had been. Because that was what happened when something snuck up on you. Even pretty girls could spook as much as they thrilled. Heart hammering until sheâd smiled at him andâwhy donât you grab yourself a fork, Walker?
And then theyâd gotten out onto the ice and sheâd won every damn face-off, and her handsâ
âAnyway.â Thomas smiled when that got laughs from the crowd. Noelle had one hand over her face and Logan was turned fully around in his seat to laugh at her blush. âI promise this has something to do with my Remus-story.â Thomas glanced at Remus, glad to find him smiling, and then to Sirius beside him, just because it was habit and instinct.
âNoelle found me when I was entirely distracted by a certain someone taking over our ice for the first time,â Thomas said, then pointed right at Finn, who was already shaking his head, arms crossed. âAnyone here not know the story of the time Loops dangled Harzy so bad he fell clean over?â
Finn threw his hands up, Leo laughing. Finn threw a hand at Kasey. âAnd beat the Blizzard! No one ever includes that.â
âI donât deny it,â Kasey called back.
âWell, Loops,â Thomas said into the microphone, eyes on Remus. âDidnât I promise to stir up some rehearsal dinner chaos?â
~
But Thomas found other things while not looking. Heâd found the photograph that way. Mostly, heâd been curious. Remus on the ice had made him curious. Maybe he and Remus had crossed paths at college. Maybe theyâd been this close to sharing the ice. Sharing a thousand shifts.
Remus Lupin ice hockey got him a lot of dead links. Which, no, that wasnât what heâd wanted. Heâd wanted team photographs. A bio. Statistics. But here was an interesting find anyway.
He didnât know if Remus had looked. Didnât know if he was allowed to bring it upâespecially not then. Remus hadnât even been on the team yet. Itâd still been more colleague than friend between them.
But now they did share the ice. And Thomas had done his best to hold steady while Remusâ entire life changed beneath his feet, and he would speak at his wedding, and, right now, he was watching Remus and Leo, both wearing hockey helmets, sing a song Thomas wished he knew, if only to sing along.
And for some reason, against the drinks making him buzz pleasantly, and the arm Noelle had around his waist, all Thomas could think about were dead links and the sheer lack of photographs, andâFenrir Greyback. The way that man sounded on the ice, the cruel, spitting whine of him.
Noelleâs hand came up to rub at his chest, the way it always did whenâwell, she just knew him, didnât she? Didnât have to search at all.
âWhatâs up, coeur?â She said beneath the music. She didnât look concerned, exactly, broke long enough for a smile when Leo tried to hit a high note, but her hand remained, thumbs swiping gently over the fabric of his t-shirt. âYou look a littleâŚcontemplative? For karaoke.â
He could tell her. Right now, he could tell her. Talk it all out to her. Explain why his throat felt so tight every time he so much as looked at the speech heâd written. Thomas felt like heâd overcome quite a few odds in this small game of theirs. And Remus? No, it wasnât as if heâd done it alone, having Sirius Black in your corner helped. But Remus had all but rewritten his odds. And he was still doing it.
âIâm good,â Thomas said. Thomas tucked his fingers snug against Noelleâs waist. Remus looked at him from the stageâexactly then. Bright eyes, hair pushed back, arm around Leoâs waist as they sang some part together, completely off-beat because they were laughing too hard. It made Thomas laugh.
The surprising things about Remus Lupinâand this heâd put in his speech. The surprising thing about Remus Lupin was that he really could justâŚmake you forget you were in pain. At least, he could dull it. Bruised ribs. Puck-split lip. Thomas looked down at Noelle. A little heart-sick over wanting your teammateâs older sister.
Didnât mean Thomas could forget Remusâ, though. Dead links and that scar on his shoulder that caught the light every day in the dressing room. Guys asked. Guys who didnât really know. Not the most uncommon thing, to ask after scars. And Remus was good. Bright smile, throw-away laugh and a shrug. Sirius was not to good. Tight eyes and a firm look to the guy asking that would have had even James with his hands up and tail between his legs. Itâd made Thomas go back and check, just once. Dead links. One team photograph. Kind of blurry, actually. Remus and Fenrir, though, dead center. Grinning.
On stage, Remus tilted his head at him, still smiling into his microphone. Thomas smiled a bit back. There it is. Remus Lupin: A couple drinks in, music blaring, and wondering if Thomas was all right.
âIâm good.â He dropped a kiss to Noelleâs temple. âNever heard anyone sing this song like this, is all.â
Noelle laughed. âOuais, sounds right.â She turned into him, reaching up to lace her fingers at the back of his neck. Gorgeous like this, is what Thomas thought. And they had a whole summer.
He pressed her hair away from her face with soft hands. âHeyâwhole summer.â
âWhole summer,â Noelle nodded. She tilted her chin up, hardly even asking before Thomas ducked to kiss her.
She was smiling by the time he pulled back.
âYou knowâŚâ Noelle reached up and pressed a thumb over his bottom lip. Heâd seen her mom do that to her dad more than once. Sweet, how it carried over. âWeâre at Sirius fucking Blackâs wedding. Well, almost.â
âThat, we are.â
âI really do like weddings.â
If he could love her more, right then, he wouldâve. Well, noâhe could always, always love her more. A hundred times over. Especially when she scrunched her nose at him and laughed.
âOh, yeah, Christmas.â Thomas squeezed her hips. âIâm keeping that in mind, donât you worry.â
â˘
âCrowds arenât always my thing,â Kasey said, and the tables laughed. Alex had a hand half over his mouth, grinning. Heâd nodded when Kasey said that, but it wavered into something more of an unsure gesture. Always thinking the best of him, Kasey guessed. How he always got away with that, Kasey didnât know. He cleared his throat and looked down at his shoes. Gift from Alex. Scuffed at the toes. âBut I really love these guys, so, hey.â
Natalie had her fingers in Alexâs hair, and Kasey watched as she leaned her head on his shoulder. Beautiful night. If he had to give a speechâand he did want to, it just wasnât like his heart was calm, exactly, in his chestâat least there was a warm breeze and the lingering smell of sun, sand, and firewood. At least he wasnât so much on a stage as he was just standing in front of Sirius and Remus. In front of the family they shared. And what more was a good locker room than that? Leo was leaning forward in his seat with that massive rookie-smile on his face. Kasey used to wonder when he was going to stop looking at him like that. There was really nothing awe-inspiring about him. Except maybe his capacity for hurting himselfâin all the ways.
Now, after it all, the final game and the final unbuckling of the pads, he sort of hoped Leo never stopped looking at him like that.
Kasey cleared his throat. âI think Iâm speaking for any of the players here, any of my teammatesâguess we have some Rangers here, too. For some reason.â He glanced at Logan. âHey, that got me a good old, vintage Tremblay glare.â
Laughs. He was doing fine.
âI speak for everyone when I say that Remus Lupin saved our asses more times than we can count.â
âDamn right,â Thomas called out. Noelle shushed him, but not really. He appreciated the microphone squeaking a bit, bringing on the loud ha that was Alexâs and Alexâs alone. He glanced over to see that Natalie had a hand over his mouth. Kasey knew exactly what she was whispering to him. Youâre so loud.
âYeah.â Kasey rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. Snuck a glance at Remus. âHeâs been saving me for a long time. Or, I guess Iâd been having problems for a long time. I would justâspiral. Like, you wouldnât believeâyeah, I see you nodding, Lupin.â
Remus waved him off, smile closed-lipped and eyes a little bright. Theyâd spent so much time together now that Kasey could say it wasnât just Remus who had seen him fight tearsâor, really, lose the fight to them. It went both ways now.
âWhen youâre hurt,â Kasey said, âand it keeps coming back. Itâs just this loomingâŚthing. Like someone standing behind you, waiting to strike again.â
Siriusâ arm went around Remusâ back, thumb rubbing soft circles over his shoulder.
âItâs really easy to feel out of control. Scary easy. And then nothing in life feels like itâs even yours. Just things that are happening to you. Which is a terrible feeling.â
That was too much. Jesus, how depressing was that? What was he even saying? But also Sirius Black was sitting there, nodding like he understood. So. Kasey couldnât be all wrong.
âI amâum. God, I promise this speech isnât about me.â More laughs. He gave them a smile in return. âIâm retired. I retired. I think people know that, sorry, itâs all right, though. Left yâall in good hands.â He waved a hand at Leo. âSunshine face.â
Leo tilted his head back and laughed.
âGod, hereâs what IâmâŚtrying to say.â Kasey realized heâd started walking back and forth a little and stopped. Looked at Remus, because looking to Remus had always been the most steadying thing in the room. Especially when Natalie hadnât been there. When Alex had been in another city, and they hadnât patched things up exactly, but heâd known Natalie, Natalie had known him, and theyâd got on like fire and fucking wood, and Kaseyâs thigh ached, tearing slowly apart, and his heart ached, one half in each of their hands. And Remus had just seemed to know. That sometimes those aches got so tangled up, it was hard to tell the difference.
âIt takes a pretty incredible person to make you feel like you can justâŚbe easy with them. Laugh and hang out the same day you maybe lost it a little bit earlier in their office. No embarrassment. No questions askedâexcept the pain scale ones. Jesus, Lupin, how do you always know when weâre lying?â
Remus was definitely crying a little now. The tears were thick in his laugh and it brought a tightness to Kaseyâs throat, too, oh God.
âI got the big dream when I thought I would,â Kasey said. He gestured to the team. âThis dream we all have. Even if it ended early, I got it. And you got yours, finally and long overdue. And after everything you did for meâhours, fucking hours of justâŚâ He glanced at Julian, spitting image of Remus, and wondered briefly if he should swear. But fuck it, that kid should hear this. All of this. âHours of just working with me, talking me out of my own headâŚâ Yeah, Kasey was going to cry, but he fought through the words. âLoops, I got to play behind you, I got to watch you find Cap, and I justâcouldnât have asked for anything more for you. And you deserve absolutely everything.â
~
The idea of karaoke had sent everyone inside wondering what to wear, but Kasey was fine in his sweatshirt and shorts, so.Â
He stayed by the Lupinsâ fire pit. Thought about what itâd be like to give his speech in a few days time and tried not to get nervous about it.
Heâd been thinking a lot about Florida, actually. Which had nothing to do with his speech. And everything, actually. That roadie, and then the world stopping in Gryffindorâs airport. He was sure Florida meant a thousand different things to Remus and Sirius now, but Florida would always mean Alex for Kasey. Maybe even especially now.
He used to justâforget, really. What to do with himself when he was in the same city as Alex. Playing there and being in the sunshine was probably very relaxing for everyone else. Must have been nice.
He used to stare up at the ceiling when he should have been napping. Shouldâve been enjoying the warm weather. Shouldâve found an open rooftop and had dinner. Night swim in the steam-curled outdoor pool?
Kasey watched the embers ebb and wane with the slight breeze and thought about last season. Thought about all the boys planning that beach day. Watching the visitorâs locker room after a morning skate and seeing that everything was just a little different. Logan had been somber, but RemusâRemus had had some sort ofâŚnew lightness to him.
Grinning more than usual maybe? Itâd been hard to tell becauseâwell. All Kasey had seemed to be able to do was wait for dark red hair and brown eyes to appear around every corner. (Last year had maybe been the peak of Finn making Kasey jump. Caught out of the corner of his eye, he was a ghost).
(Now Kasey was pulling Alexâs chair closer around campfires, but still).
Still. He thought about Florida. About thinking about New York in Florida. Thigh burning while he tried to sleep and heart tight at the thought of airport kisses, and the way city lights blurred through rainy New York cab windows. One nightâa final night, so it would turn outâof tracing marble pale skin with his mouth. Never thought of such a bustling city as a hometown before but, back in New York, with Alex, it had felt like one. Somehow.
And he thought about that roadie, where heâd only just secured a towel around his waist, wiping the mirror clear of steam when a knock on his door had muffled its way through the room.
Dumo, maybe, about dinner, or Finn and Logan.
Another round of knocking, two fists on the door, a mess of it. Finn and Logan, then.
âComing,â Kasey remembered calling. And something about calming down, and then the knocking not stopping, if anything it had just picked up its pace. Sharp taps that formed some sort of pattern, bum-bum-ba-bum. Itâd had Kasey rolling his eyes and yanking open his hotel room door.
âJesus, guys, Iâmââ
Not Finn and Logan. Kasey wasnât sure what heâd felt, actually, opening that door. Cold from the hallwayâs AC or warm all over fromâ
âAlex,â heâd said. Because, yeahâAlex. Standing in the hallway with a big OâHara grin on his faceâhard to look at when Finn did itâand wearing navy shorts and a white t-shirt. Stupid tan boat shoes and no socks. God.
âHi, Winter.â
Kasey had just stared at him. Too much. From just thinking, worrying, wondering about seeing him, to all of Alexâright here. Kaseyâs remembered clutching the band of his towel, low on his hips. Heâd thought heâd be waving Finn and Logan off to let him get ready, not standing in front ofâŚ
âWhat are youâHi.â Kasey glanced down the hallway. The purely Lions-filled hallway. âWhatâŚâ
Alex had made a big show of frowning, like heâd forgotten why he was there. Tapped the pockets of his shorts like heâd lost something before slipping his hands inside, nice and easy. Like seeing Kasey didnât affect him at all.
In the fire pit in front of Kasey, the charred wood shifted down, sending sparks up.
In the memory, Alex leaned against the doorway. âI meanâŚpretty sure Iâm about to take you to dinner. So.â
Kasey had some type of stone ruin in his chest, Alexâs, that crumbled just a little more at the way he talked.
Alexâs eyes flicked down to his waist, the towelâs fragile tie around Kaseyâs hips. âIs that what youâre wearing?â That stupid poke of his tongue in the corner of his mouth as he smiled. âDamn. Now I feel overdressed.â
âThose shoes are stupid.â
âThank you.â
The memory tangled after that. Kasey felt his eyes unfocus, the fire just a blur of color and light. He touched his mouth. Not that Alex had kissed him that night. But heâd⌠Heâd asked after Natalie. Does she miss me? Yes, was the answer. Thereâd been one night, a summer one, where he and Natalie had gone to New York. They were meant to see Alex once. Just dinner. Kasey hadnât known what the fuck his problem was, wanting two people, and he certainly hadnât been able to read that same problem all over Nat yet. So, one dinner. A start and an end. Just to see him. Just to watch the way Alex was.
But this was Alex OâHara. This was Natalie Darcy. And Kasey could have watched them make each other laugh forever. Natalie putting her hand on his thigh, Alexâs arm stretched behind Kasey in a booth. So dinner had turned into bars after. Bars after, brunch the next morning. Brunch the next morning, a second late night dinner. Late dinner, Alex walking them to their hotel, drinks in the bar. Drinks in the barâŚAlex had left for his own apartment. His own bed. Barely, maybe, yes, maybe there had been a few tight moments of barely, but he had. Kasey using the bathroom in the hotel lobby, picturing Alex coming upstairs with them for so long that someone had had to knock on the door twice. Alex standing upâheâd slid right next to Natalie while Kasey had been gone, of course he hadâto let him back into his seat and asking, teasing, fall in?
Yeah. Fell into something, for sure. Falling into whatever the hell this was.
Their hotel room door had shut and he and Natalie had just stood there inside, looking at each other. Natalie in that sheer green dress she loved. No bra. Itâd been a humid night, but her breastsâwell, cold hotel room. Kasey felt like he could see every curve of her.
âKaseâŚâ sheâd whispered. Sheâd pressed a hand low on her own hips, the other squeezing his shoulder. âKasey.â
Kasey had pressed her right up against the door with a kiss, one she laughed into as her hands making the buckle of his jeans clink against the pull-down zing of his zipper. Sheâd put one leg around his waist until he could sink into the soaked warmth of herâall for the love of Alex fucking OâHara. With his brown, candlelight eyes. It had been fast, a little frantic, Kasey making Natalie come against the door. Sheâd straddled his hips on the bed, then, dress rucked up. Sheâd let the straps off her arms so the silk pooled below her breasts. Kasey let his warm hands span her waist and sheâd looked at him through their haze, hand between them, guiding his cock back into her. Rode him until the turn-down service was a mess, and with nothing but the lights of Alexâs city to wash all over them.
God, he was knotted up in the memories. New Yorkâall of that two summers ago in New York, and then Florida, Alex showing up at his door, dinner, and then laying in bed afterwards, alone. Didnât matter that he felt like a live wire at the image of Alex and the way he brushed his knuckles against his mouth when he smiled. Alex fucking OâHara, howâs Nat, she miss me? Got him half-hard in the middle of some stupid open-air patio restaurant, just by looking at him.
Rough game, Florida. Rough time in general, of course. Calm before the storm, really. And still, Kaseyâd never forget asking Remus, while he was taping up his thigh, if something was different. You seem happy, Kasey had said, if only because, with his own heart so heavy in his ribs, Remusâ lightness had glowed bright like a sun. Remus had smiled at him. Really smiled, even with warm hands trying to loosen the stubborn muscles of Kaseyâs leg. Yeah, Bliz, thanks. IâŚI think I really am.
The wind changed direction. Smoke in Kaseyâs face, and arms coming from behind, cheek pressing against his.
âFound you,â Alex whispered into his skin, then bit soundly at his jaw.
One corner of Kaseyâs mouth lifted. âYeah, you did.â
âYou gonna sing a song with me?â Alex asked. He smelled like burnt sugar and lake water. Reminded Kasey of the Hampton House. Where everything clicked together. Of courseâuntil heâd almost ruined everything by thinking too hard. By thinking too hard and with a diamond ring. The usual.
Kasey brought his hand up to hold Alexâs wrists where they were clasped over his chest.
âCome on.â Alex pressed the words into his skin. âOr Nat and I will sing at you.â
âIs that a threat? Because itâs not one.â
Alex just pressed his face into Kaseyâs neck. Kasey closed his eyes.
âYouâre sitting out here all alone,â Alex whispered.
Kasey knew that. He reached back to put a hand on the back of Alexâs neck, thumb tracing until he could feel the chain of his diamond. âIâm thinking about you.â
âOh.â Kasey felt Alexâs body tense against him. Not in a bad way. Just thinking. âWell, then I guess I can leave you to it.â
Kasey gave the chain a light yank. âThose stupid shoes you used to have.â
âOh.â Came out in three syllables through Alexâs laugh. âI brought thoseââ
âNo, no, no.â
Alex released him, pushing himself upright off of Kaseyâs shoulders. âLet me just goââ
But Kasey had already pushed himself up, too. Maybe he wouldnât be able to catch Alex, even with the way he was jogging backwards towards the cars. Maybe Alex slowed down a lot so that Kasey could snag him, arm thrown around his shoulders. Alex put his arm around Kaseyâs waist, grinning. Kasey couldnât look at him for too long, heâd get some sort of stupid look on his face.
âYou donât have to worry about your speech,â Alex said as they stopped just shy of the porch steps. Kasey could hear the others inside, yelling to each other. Jamesâ voice above the others.
And, yeah, Kasey was worried. But he worried about almost everything. But right now Alexâs hair was still messy from swimming earlier and heâd gotten too much sun on the bridge of his nose, the tops of his cheeks. And he was still, justâGod, he still had the look of winning on him. Every part of him built up and pressing against the t-shirt he was wearing. Kasey didnât think too much about it before he reached forward and pressed a thumb down from the center of his chestâright where the diamond lay beneath the fabricâand followed the strong line of his stomach all the way down to the tie of his shorts.
When he flicked his eyes back up, Alex was staring at him, eyebrows raised.
âWell.â Alex cleared his throat. âHi.â
Fine. Kasey would let the stupid expression go all over him, if only to see the way, when he smiled, Alexâs eyes lit up, too.
âStupid shoes,â Kasey said quietly.
âHm,â Alex said.
âOh, come on. Allez, allezââ Logan banged out of the screen door. His sweatshirt was gone, replaced by a dark green button-down that Kasey had basically come to think of as his time-to-drive-Finn-nuts shirt. Fine, maybe Leo called it that. Not you, too? Kasey had asked him. Leo had just smiled. He wears the grey one for me.
Logan frowned down at Kasey from the top step. âIs that what youâre wearing?â
Alex snorted. âOh, oh okay, mister I-owned-ten-versions-of-the same-t-shirt-for-most-of-my-life.â
Kasey put his hands in his pockets and nodded to the grassy ground in front of him. âWhy donât you come down here and say that again, Tremzy?â
Logan narrowed his eyes, jogging down to stand in front of Kasey. Kasey pushed up on his toes once, just for effect, and Logan shoved him. Kasey put both hands on his shoulders and gave him a shake. Heâd missed him.
âWeâre going to a bar,â Kasey said. Then, he flicked the space where Loganâs shirt was half undone. âWouldnât exactly call this wearing a shirt, frat boy.â
Logan just grinned. âOuais.â
Alex groaned, turning with them to walk to the car. âYou canât just say ways to everything.â
âOuais.â
Car doors slamming and radios turning on after that. Kasey found himself in a dark backseat with Alexâs face lit up by his phone, typing out a text.
Kasey didnât think too hard, didnât worry, when he brushed a gentle knuckle to Alexâs chin, got him to look up, and leaned over and pressed a kiss to his mouth. Logan was talking fast French in the driverâs seat, and Regulus was mumbling back from beside him. There might as well have been a dividing ocean in the leather seats between them. For all Kasey cared, it was deep brown eyes looking at him, and that was all there was.
âLetâs go have fun with everyone,â Kasey whispered, just for him, then leaned in, mouth brushing Alexâs ear, just to be sure, âbut I want you tonight.â
Alex made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cough, and let his head drop back against the seat.
âDâaccord,â Logan said, shifting the car into drive. âReady?â
âYep,â Kasey said to him. Alexâs phone light timed out, going dark, and they grinned at one another in the new dark.
âKasey fucking Winter,â Alex mouthed, then pressed a kiss to his fingertips and pressed them to Kaseyâs mouth. âYeah, Tremblay. Weâre ready.â
hey! love your writing so so much, your stories always cheer me up when iâm having a rough time. Iâve just seen the clip of the USA menâs hockey team laughing at the womenâs team despite the fact they both won gold at the olympics and honestly found it quite soul crushing considering how much those ladies have achieved. Sometimes itâs hard being a hockey fan when the culture is so backwards which is why it can be refreshing to read these stories about players who are genuinely good people, would you be able to write something about the cubs and the team showing support for the womenâs game? no worries if not!!
I was also crushed when I saw that video. It was so backwards and mean, and definitely very disappointing. Women's sports are amazing, and all of those athletes are so talented- they deserve to be in the spotlight!
Have some badass Noelle Tremblay absolutely slaying on the Olympic ice!
Character credits to @lumosinlove !
âAllez, Noelle!â
Aubrey whistled around her fingers from beside Logan as they watched Noelle get crushed into the boards by her teammates. Beside her, her wife, Rochelle, was hollering in French as well.Â
âAllez, maman, allez!â Samantha, Thomas and Noelleâs daughter, turned around from where she was sitting in between her cousins Bernadette and Aurelie, to grin at Aubrey. âAuntie Aubrey, maman scored again!â
âShe did!â Aubrey leaned down to gently hold onto Samanthaâs shoulders. âLook, she might wave to you when she goes back to the bench.â
Sure enough, as Noelle skated back to the Canadian bench, she blew a kiss to Thomas, who was bouncing their son Dorian in his lap, then one to Samantha, which made her giggle.
âSee?â Aubrey said. âTold you.â
Samantha nodded eagerly, then started chatting with her cousins again. From beside her, Aubrey heard Logan huff.
âShe never waves to us anymore.â
From Loganâs other side, Leo hissed in a breath through his teeth as Aubrey looked at him with raised eyebrows. It was funny how he still looked sheepish when she did that, like he was a young boy again. âSheâs waving to her husband and children.â
âJe sais. Still.â
âSheâs an Olympian in her late thirties with two kids, Lo,â Leo pointed out. âShe can wave to whoever she wants.â
âYeah,â Sydney said from behind them. She leaned forward to ruffle Loganâs hair. âShe outlasted you, you retiree.â
Loganâs face scrunched grumpily and he swore under his breath in French.
âWhatâs that?â
âNothing,â Logan grumbled, but his cheeks were flushed and he was side-eyeing Aubrey.
âThatâs what I thought.â
Logan grumbled some more, and Leo just laughed and kissed the side of his head. From behind them, Sydney was talking to Philippe, who was on his grandma Ivaâs lap with a Canadian jersey on and a tiny foam finger.Â
âCan you say âallez, tante Noelleâ?â she cooed. âSay âallezâ!â
âAllez!â Philippe repeated, giggling when his grandpa Marius tickled his tummy. âAllez, allez, tante Noelle!â
âShit, I canât believe we missed that. Noelleâs second goal of the game.â Finn appeared with Sydneyâs wife, Adelaida, and sat behind them. Finn leaned forward and handed Leo two Cokes. âHere, baby.â
âThanks, honey.â Leo turned around to kiss Finnâs cheek, then looked at his son and mother-in-law. âIva, do you want me to take him?â
âNo, no, no, absolutely not!â Iva just waved her hand at him and pulled Philippe closer to her. His cheeks were flushed red and he was grinning into her jersey. âIâll keep my grandson right here.â
âShe said sheâd take all of them with her to the house theyâre renting for a sleepover,â Thomas said. He took a sip of his drink and let out a satisfied breath. âI think we should let her. Damn, this beer is good.â
âDaddy, that was a bad word!â
Everyone laughed as Thomas winced, then patted Dorian low on his back. âYeah, sorry, bud, youâre right.â
Dorian nodded, satisfied, then wiggled down from his dadâs lap to go see Marius, Iva, and Philippe. Finn moved to next to Thomas and immediately struck up a conversation about the game, gesturing towards the ice. Leo and Logan leaned forward to join in, and Finn must have disagreed with something Logan said, because he pulled a face and they started bickering in the gentle, almost boyish way they did. Aubrey rolled her eyes and sat back in her seat, turning back to watch the game.Â
Rochelle patted her thigh, then nodded to the boys, dark eyes amused. âAre they always this serious about hockey?â
âAlways have been.â Aubrey leaned into her and laced their fingers together.Â
Rochelle just shook her head, her tight curls bouncing. âDamn.â
âHey, you canât say anything, youâre just as obsessed with basketball.â
âTrue.â Rochelle looked at her, then smiled. âLove you.â
âI love you.â
Rochelle kissed her briefly. âCan you do braids for me before playoffs?â
Aubrey grinned. âBefore your very serious community basketball playoffs?â
âHey! Itâs a very big deal, and I need a cool hairstyle.âÂ
âYou do.â Aubrey kissed her cheek. âI could do a zig-zag pattern if you want? Noelle showed me a cool one she did on Samantha a few weeks ago, and I was thinking of trying it.â
âIâd love that.â Rochelle leaned in like she was going to kiss Aubrey again, but then she gasped. âOh shit!â
Aubrey whipped her head to the ice. Canada had gained possession, and Noelle was now locked in a two-on-one with her teammate, Sophie Lavelle. Sophie deked around the USAâs defense and passed it to Noelle, who was right in the pocket and easily made the wrist shot into the net just above the USA goalieâs left shoulder.
Their whole family erupted in the stands. Finn and Thomas were hollering, and the kids were jumping up and down excitedly, Bernadette and Aurelie each with a hand on Samanthaâs arms as they screamed. Leo whistled shrilly, and Logan had taken Philippe from Iva and was holding him up as he waved his foam finger around and laughed. The rest of their family behind Aubrey were hugging, Iva with tears running down her face and Sydneyâs and Mariusâ arms tight around her waist. Adelaida shook Aubreyâs shoulders excitedly from behind her and Rochelle cupped her hands around her mouth to yell. Aubrey just laughed and clapped her hands.Â
âTremblay hat trick!â Thomas yelled, then whooped repeatedly. âLetâs go, baby! That's my wife!â
âAllez, Noelle!â Logan yelled. Heâd handed Philippe, who was still waving around his foam finger, to Leo now, and also had his hands cupped around his mouth to amplify the sound of his voice. âAllez, Noelle, letâs fucking go!â
Aubrey didnât even have it in her to chastise him for his language. He was obviously happy, jumping up and down with Leo when Philippe yelled out to Noelle. Finn and Thomas were still making noises that would normally be too loud in a public setting, but they didnât seem to care, and Samantha had also started to cry.Â
âMaman!â Samantha yelled. âAllez, maman!â
Noelle was laughing as she skated back to the bench, and once again waved and blew kisses at them, sending a special wink to her daughter, who was so happy.
âSheâs gonna want to go see her maman right after the game,â Rochelle whispered, jerking her chin down to Samantha, who was clutching Aurelie tightly now.
âOf course she is.â Aubrey looked around at her family, who were finally settling down, but still chatting excitedly to one another. Beside her, she could tell Logan was about to vibrate out of his skin. Aubrey grinned and turned to Rochelle, pride for her sister swelling up inside her. âOf course sheâll want to go see her maman. Noelle is a badass.â
Rochelle just laughed and took Aubrey under her arm again.
Breakaway is occupying my brain 24/7 and itâs not even out yet đ Could you give us a snoop pretty please?
this brings me joy!!!
âWe could getâŚâ Finn nods to a sign. âLibrary hot chocolate.â
I follow his gaze to a small stand with a steaming cup painted on a sign.
âWeâre at a football game.â
âYeah, butâI donât know, I sort of feel like every hot chocolate I get with you should be library hot chocolate.â
I adjust my beanie, pulling it lower as our breath fogs between us. âOuais, I want.â
I stay close to his shoulder as he walk through the crowds. I guess he doesnât want to lose me because suddenly heâs reaching behind his back and heâs got his hand around my wrist. The crowd presses in so close that all of our coats just become a blur of sheeny fabric and snow dewing up on fabric, so. So.
I turn my palm up into his and lace our fingers together.
When he squeezes back, I just donât think winning a trophy could be better than that.
When he looks back over his shoulder and smiles at meâŚ
Well, suddenly weâre out of the crush, and his hand slips out of mine easily before the open air but he throws that arm around my shoulders and keeps me close. He stops in front of the vendor and looks up at the menu as if thereâs so much to choose from. But itâs really only hot cocoa and adding peppermint to it.
âDo you feel the way about peppermint as you do about mint tea?â
âMmâŚâ Wrinkle my noise. âNon. Just the chocolate.â
I donât realize Iâm expecting, waiting, wanting him to order for me until heâs doing it.
âHi there, weâre looking forâŚâ And he looks up at the menu just to give the girl behind the counter some time because sheâs just dropped a stack of empty paper cups.
âSorry, sorry,â she says, rising and tapping at the register. âSorry, Iâyeah. Cool. What can I get you?â
âNo, all good, we were still deciding.â Big smile. Blinds me and itâs not even aimed at me. âCould we just do two hot chocolates, please? Love the idea of peppermint, but no peppermint.â
I tilt my temple onto his shoulder, then realize what Iâm doing and stand up straight. His arm gets heavier around me.
âAny whipped cream on that? Marshmallows?â
âYes to both for one, but not the other.â
I go for my wallet but Finn nudges me no and pays with a wrinkled twenty dollar bill. Shows me thereâs a heart written by someone in pen on it, blue ink, then hands it over. We step aside to let the next person go up and I lose a few seconds pretending weâre alone. And different. And that Iâm better.
He leans back against a wall as we wait, sneaker toes touching mine. âLibrary doesnât ask us if we want whipped cream.â
I shake my head. Step one toe just barely over his with a left foot. He does the same with our other pair.
On Christmas Eve, thereâs still so much one could wish for.
Someone wants to go home. Someone would rather run from it. Someone is just late.
Sometimes, though, all one needs is nowhere else to be, an early snowstorm, andâŚ
whatâs the word, destin? (Sweater Weather, part xv)
I can't believe how productive (and inspiring) a six-hour train ride can be, wow! I guess that means it's Nootmas time! Thank you so much @noots-fic-fests for the lovely prompts and for organizing the fest! These three wonders here belong to @lumosinlove.
Wishing everyone happy holidays! And to our dear Lolo, the happiest of birthdays đ
Pairing: Cubs
Rating: G
Prompt: Missed flight home
â â â
"Wallet?"
"Check."
"Ticket?"
Leo flicked the passport in his hand. Between its pages, the flimsy stubs of printed paper flapped briefly in the air. "Check."
His mom's humming sounded focused. Leo was 99% sure she was scanning a checklist to make sure he'd packed everything he'd told her he needed a few days ago. Typical Eloise Knut.
"Then you're all set, honey," she said sweetly. "Nothing to worry about. You're coming home, you won't need much more."
Leo smiled at the airport doors sliding open in front of him. "I know, Mama," he said, warm air instantly settling over the biting cold in his bones, melting the fresh snow that clung to his heavy coat. "I just need to get out of this country before I turn into an icicle."
With the promise of steaming, spicy chicken soup for dinner and a cozy nightâs sleep in his old bedroom, Leo ended the call. On the departure board, the flight information he was looking for scrolled up the screen, just as another plane lifted off the ground. Among those scheduled for the afternoon, Leo easily found his own flight details:
The line at the security checkpoint could've been worse, given that it was Christmas Eve. The air felt electric. Everyone was impatiently bouncing on their toes, excited to go home on a late run to families and loved ones. Leo thought that even the officers looked merrier than usual as he walked through the body scanner, grinning back at the woman stationed there, her sleek blond ponytail tied in a huge red velvet bow clip.
Why Leo's bag was the one that inevitably and perpetually got checked after scannings, that was a mystery he'd probably never uncover.
Sure, it was frivolous, but since Leo had moved to Toronto a little over a year ago, he had started this new tradition of wandering through duty-free shops in search of silly local souvenirs to bring home. Maple candies mustn't be missing from his mama's purse anymore. Plus, this year, his dad had been very specific about which bottle of syrup he wanted to try with his Boxing Day pancakes.
Having secured his loot, Leo followed the signs to his gate on the jolly notes of a jazzy cover of Jingle Bells, carrying his small suitcase alongside the foggy runway. Leo didn't mind the loop of Christmas songs playing in every corner of the airport. He'd been waiting for this day for months, and intended to enjoy every clichĂŠd moment of itâincluding humming along happily to Michael BublĂŠ's entire discography.
Porte F, he read the sign above in French. Gate F, his flight yet to be announced.
Leo wasn't sure if he'd ever seen a gate area so packed with people. He barely managed to weave his way between rows of utter chaos, and jumped to claim one last free seat, conveniently close to a smaller departure screen. Only then did Leo easily pull off his beige knitted scarf, matching beanie and gloves. He unbuttoned his long blue coatânot quite ready to let go of the warm, thick woolâto reveal an oversized red sweater with a smiley reindeer on it, plush pom-pom nose and all.
It was Christmas Eve. Leo was going home. Of course an ugly holiday sweater was more than appropriate.
Warmth simmered in his chest with anticipation, spreading even more when he took a moment to look around. The sweet aroma of chocolate and cinnamon filled his next breath. There was a small, crowded cafĂŠ close by and a tiny shop selling sandwiches and cute pastries. Green garlands adorned the display case, and tiny warm lights twinkled between blue and silver glittery balls. A couple came out of the nearby bookstore arm in arm, carrying two small, shiny bagsâprobably something to read on their flight, Leo thought, or maybe some late, improvised gifts. A woman suddenly took chase after her toddler, who seemed ready to climb the giant Christmas tree in the middle of the corridor. Behind him, Leo heard someone whisper the softest I love you, followed by a tearful, heavily accented Can't wait. See you tomorrow, darling.
Outside, the sky hung gloomy and so dense it was hard to see the rush of workers and machines beyond the glass walls. Maybe Toronto would actually get its forecast Christmas snowstorm, after all.
Leo had made the right choice when he'd moved in to chase his dream. A spot at Chef Kasey Winterâs world-famous AcadĂŠmie de Haute Pâtisserie was a once-in-a-lifetime chance one wouldnât miss in a million years. However, he couldn't deny the struggle of adjusting to the harsh cold, the frenetic city life, and the constant ache of missing home.
Leo knew New Orleans was always waiting for him, couldn't wait to spend ten wonderful days in the milder southern winter, walking around the streets he missed every day and strolling through the local markets with their unrivaled pralines, surrounded by family and old friends. He'd get to cook his favorite recipes with his mama and finally share some new baking tricks he'd recently perfected at school. Leo could picture it clear as dayâsipping hot chocolate on the couch while discussing the final touches to their Christmas menu, sinking into the warmth of his dad's holiday accents, each one coloring the house with sparks of tradition.
There was no room in Leo's heart for any sadness, for any of that biting melancholy that sometimes kept him awake at night. Not when he was only a handful of hours away from everything he wanted most, and definitely not when he could sneak quick, furtive glances at one handsome sleepyhead slumped in the seat in front of him, clearly struggling not to fall asleep on the spot.
Short, messy, chocolate-brown curls poked out of the hood of a black sweatshirtâdark enough to set off beautiful but tired green eyes and perfect, tan skin. The boy kept yawning, covering his face with large handsâred knuckles cracked from the coldâand rubbing his eyes with softly clenched fists. Leo watched him cautiously as the boy absently drummed his fingers on his thigh, as he leaned forward to do the same on the top of his suitcase, tapping a catchy rhythm with the pads of bitten fingertips.
Leo had to blink away his awe, willing himself not to stare.
How could someone be so gorgeous and cute at the same time?
He kept himself occupied by slipping his Kindle out of his backpack and balancing it on his crossed legs. For the first time in months, Leo felt relaxed and unbothered.
Yep, he thought, biting back a smile. The wait is totally worth it.
đ đ đ
This is the final boarding call for flight AA101 to New York CityâŚ
The hallway filled with a chiming tune, calling out to a late passenger. Logan lowered his headphones, leaving them loose around his sore neckâmostly because he was dreading any more news about his flight.
His very last-minute, delayed flight home.
Had he been sleeping again, Logan wasn't sure. He was probably getting by on too much caffeine and sugar lately, unable to suppress a nagging sense of guilt that had been haunting him for weeks, making his nights restless.
Always so busy, Bear, Noelle had scolded him on the phone only a few days agoâanother soft, loving reprimand, full of nostalgia for his not spending his birthday at home. We miss our baby brother, you know?
And he missed his family, tooâso badly. Maybe he'd been a little selfish, coming up with excuse after excuse to get home as late as possible. Projects to deliver, the company Christmas party, the last-minute gift hunt for his sisters and, of course, the Dumais childrenâa second family in this new city full of promise for which he was eternally grateful. Logan wanted to be there to see the joy in each of their smiles as they celebrated his favorite time of year. But at the end of the day, he knew he would inevitably spend every single night mulling over all that happiness, lying all by himself in his creaking, old twin bed; he'd only feel the coldness of the sheets against his skin, and the emptiness beside himâa constant reminder that, unlike anyone else, he was alone, still, year after year after year.
Logan rubbed that ghostly image from his tired, stinging eyes. The airport smelled of chocolate and sugarcane. He pulled his beat-up headphones back onâhe was sure Aubrey would get him a new pair for Christmasâand looked around, soaking up as much of the festive spirit pervading the air as he could.
Logan knew he was loved as much as he loved his family, and that was the only thing that should have mattered. Still, his Aunt Marie's high-pitched squeaks over the phoneâAre you finally bringing anyone home this year, mon cher?âechoed in his dreams like the dawn of a recurring nightmare.
The airport was busier now than when Logan had arrivedâchattier and much louder. Logan hadn't noticed thatâto no one's surprise, reallyâhis flight had been delayed another fifteen minutes. He'd also clearly missed the exact moment the picture-perfect image of a Greek god had sat right in front of him. The boy looked tall, had mile-long legs crossed at the ankles. His round face was framed by honey-blond curls, and the cutest button nose Logan had ever laid eyes on was buried in the dim pages of an e-reader, whose battered case rivaled the pitiful state of Logan's AirPods. The sweater he wore matched the bright red of his frost-kissed cheeks. On his chest, knitted in thick wool, a reindeer with velvety, twisted antlers, big brown eyes, and a puffy nose smiled at Logan.
Logan didn't even realize he was staring until he found himself face-to-face with a sea of blueâa sky to beam at, stretching above frozen ponds in the Quebecois forest. Logan jerked his eyes away in an instant, or at least he tried toâand failed miserablyâbecause those blue eyes were magnets. They caught Logan on the spot as soon as he dared another glance, along with a dimpled smile that shone with its own bright light. Logan fought with his life against the warm heat spreading across his face, paralyzed and definitely staring againâ
Coffee, his thoughts urgently pivoted. He needed coffee, tea, a distraction, anything to make him stop gawking at a strangerâa beautiful, handsome, unbelievably gorgeous strangerâlike a freak.
Coat in one hand, the other gripping the handle of his suitcase, Logan stood up, poised to leave. Instead of running away, as his shameful mind was begging him to, he mustered the courage to give the blond a sheepish, crooked smile of his own, then spun around to walk quickly in the opposite direction.
~
"LoganâCaramel BrulĂŠe Latte to go!"
Logan took the glittery green cup from the counter. "Thank you," he said with a small sigh of relief, offering the barista a tight quirk of his chapped lips.
"Happy holidays!" She smiled back.
Logan simply nodded, sipping a small taste of the burning, sweet coffee. He was debating what to do next when the same telltale tune played in the hallway,
Attention, please. We regret to inform passengers that Flight AC556 to Vancouver, scheduled for 14:50, has been canceled due to ongoing operational issues. Passengers are requested to contactâ
The tornado of gasps, groans, and buzzing murmurs that followed covered the rest of the announcement, sending an icy shiver down Logan's spine. It only got worse when he spared a look out the window and saw...absolutely nothing. In the ten minutes he'd spent in line, the last rays of daylight had turned gray and misty. Now, heavy snowflakes cut the sky in slanted patterns, shaped by heavy gusts of wind. Nothing out of the ordinary for an average Canadian winter, Logan had to remind himself before panic could join the conversation.
With a light, shaky tap on his phone's screen, music filled his ears like a lullaby. Outside the coffee shop, Logan found himself searching the crowd for a hint of honey, of blue gemstones and rosy lipsâhopefully another warm, kind smile that Logan desperately needed, knew he'd hardly forget. He kicked himself for leaving in the first place because there was no doubt someone had already taken his place. And what were the odds they'd ever meet again?
In hindsight, he could not have seen it coming.
Logan was trying to be careful, pushing through fast-moving bodies and rolling wheels. The fast rap in his ears drowned out all other noises, and Logan missed those distant shouts that were quickly gathering everyone else's attention.
Excuse me, sirâOh, shit! I'm so sorry! Please! Please? Let me through!
Blue eyes did find him, eventually. But Logan didn't get enough time to decipher their wide-eyed look until a flash of red crossed his field of vision. Someone stumbled in front of Logan. A hand grasped a piece of his hoodie with such a desperate grip that, before Logan knew, the floor slipped out from under his feet, and he was falling face-first onto the floor.
A chorus of curses followed.
"Merde."
"Shit."
Holy fuck, Leo gasped from a little further away, almost jumping to his feet.
âď¸ âď¸ âď¸
"Oh my God. Ohâmy God. Fuck."
Finn kept his eyes shut, his nose wrinkled in a grimace of pain. Someone was struggling to get up across his chest. Someone he'd just tripped over. Someone who was probably about to hit him, hard.
He brought his hands to his chest and face, all wet and sticky. His neck burned, his shirt was soaked.
"Please don't hurt me," he begged.
When no response came, though, Finn slowly blinked one eye open. Straddling his legs he found a boy, full lips slightly parted and wide, green eyes moving quickly over his body, unreadable.
"Are you...okay?" Finn tried.
"Mon cafĂŠ..."
"What?"
"Uh, non. I mean, yes," the boy cleared his voice, blushing furiously as he pushed himself up. "I mean, I'm fine. Are you?"
"Yeah, yeah, no. No, actually, I'm not," Finn cursed, standing up too. "I'm late, andâŚand myâAlex, heâŚhe's waiting for me, and dad saidâ" He trailed off, feeling waves of panic crash over him. "No."
"Howdy," a soft voice cut in. A tall, blond man approached them quietly, venturing a friendly but hesitant smile. "Iâm sorry. I...uhâI just saw you two..." He stumbled over his own words a little. "Here," he said, handing over a camera lens. Finn's wide-angle lensâpainfully cracked over the glass. "It slipped out of your bag when you fell."
Finn stared blankly into his very blue eyes. "Did the flight to New York take off?" He heard himself ask.
"Yeah," the other boy joined in, lifting his chin up to give the blond a funny look. âLike, ten minutes ago.â
"FuckâŚ" Finn's head fell back in defeat as he let out a frustrated sigh.
His neck felt itchy, something sticky was leaking its way down his chest, and he was totally positive he had whipped cream smeared across his chin.
Because of course this is happening right fucking now.
"Iâm sorry," he heard the two boys murmur at the same time.
Finn recovered enough to look between themâtwo strangers staring at him with concern.
"No," he shook his head, suddenly very aware of what was happening. "No, no, of course none of this is your fault..."
"Logan." Deep green eyes locked with his own for what felt like the very first time.
"And?" Finn let his gaze wander up to bright blue and gold.
"Leo." The blond pursed his lips into a slightly worried smile.
"Actually, Logan and Leo..." Finn coughed nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck. The smell of caramel was so insistent he suddenly felt sugar-drunk. "Iâm the one here who needs to apologize."
"It's okay," Logan fired back, then laughed as he reached over to wipe a glob of sprinkled cream from the collar of Finn's shirt. "I mean, you got the worst of it, after all."
"Jesus," Finn snorted, feeling the burning heat on his cheeks spread to the tips of his ears. Leo offered them both a clean tissue, and the most gentle smile. "Can I... Let me at least buy you another coffee," Finn said to Logan. Then he turned to Leo. "I'll get you something, too. I swear to God, I wouldâve had a nervous breakdown if I'd lost something else today."
"You really don't have to," Leo said, his laugh just a soft breath. He tilted his head slightly, and the cutest dimples made a sweet appearance on his pink cheeks.
"But I'd like to," Finn blurted. "Yeah. Unless your flights leave soon orâŚor you don't want to, of course."
Leo and Logan exchanged a lingering look, and Finn knew he got himself in trouble.
Not only had he missed his flight home, but the last one of the day had been booked solid since October. A snowstorm was expected overnightâa biblical oneâand the chances of catching an early flight on Christmas morning were slim. To make matters worse, the airline's website had kept him locked in a personal fight for days, making it impossible to change or buy any sort of ticket. But most of all, Finn felt inconsolably guilty. Alex, his older brother, was bringing his girlfriend home for the first time to meet the family. Their mom had sounded so happy on the phone that morning. She'd rambled on about their plans for dinner, the new Christmas tree, and the many gifts she'd bought for Natalie because she just couldn't decide, because Finn, baby, what do you think says 'welcome to the family' more? Hearing her joyful voice had crumbled Finn's heart into a million pieces, and as much as he'd wanted toâFinn had tried to teleport himself in the warm living room of his parents' brownstone many lonely timesâhe'd been stuck between the bare walls of his tiny apartment and a bunch of cold hockey rinks for weeks.
The Marlies hadn't allowed him more than a day off in months, actually. Finn had just had to pull another all-nighter to finish editing all the shots from last night's gameâthe fifth of a grueling West Coast roadieâand all the Christmas content for the Social Media Manager to post during the short holiday break. As a result, Finn was exhausted, sleep-deprived, nursing a pounding, three-day headache, and missing his family like crazy.
Why these two boys were soothing some of his too many worries, though, Finn couldn't quite explain.
As if on cue, they flashed him matching grins, nodding in sync.
"Yeah?" Finn's breath caught in his chest. A spark of something exciting jolted inside him. "Let me justâlet me grab my suitcase. And then we can go, yeah?"
Leo frowned, confused. "YourâŚsuitcase?"
"Yes, myâ" Finn reached behind him with a searching hand, whipped around, and a slap of realization hit him hard in the face. In a flash, his eyes went from comically wide to shamefully squeezed shut. "Fuck me," he groaned, smacking himself square in the face.
A short, awkward silence fell between them, until Logan failed to hold back a giggle. A loud, hysterical giggle that made them all burst out laughing uncontrollably.
"Allez," Logan began, wiping tears from his long, thick eyelashes. "Looks like you could use a nice drink, too," he chuckled. "But..."
Finn dragged his fingers down his red-hot faceâslow breaths, chest poundingâand just looked between them.
"Wanna tell us your name?" Leo finished.
"Oh," Finn gasped out a strangled chuckle. God, he really was in trouble. "Yeah, yeah, sorry. Iâ"
The announcement tune jingled again, but none of them so much as blinked.
"I'm Finn." His smile felt recklessly wild as he held out his hand. "Finn OâHara."
[popping in just to say there are two very contrasting things in this chapter and they feel strange to put beside each other in a heads up but here goes: the talks about grief get a little heavier for a moment, and there is also sex.]
Eleven: Finn
Pascalâs
Amsterdam
Days later and it still took a second. After months of waking up to a day that felt like just another bad dream, it took a second. A couple of seconds. Finn did what he always did in the moment before he truly remembered what his life was like now. He reached out for Logan. The bed was empty, which always jolted him back to his reality. Made him turn his face into his pillow and try to breathe through the weight of it crushing him all over again.
Only, the empty bed was still warm, and Finnâ
Matches and a slice of cake. Blood and a kiss.
But the bed was empty.
Finn jolted awake so fast, his head gave a dizzying throb.
âShh, shh, shhâŚâ Loganâs soft voice came just as quickly, and then the edge of the bed dipped on his other side. Finn turned to see Logan placing two coffee mugs on the side table. Then, Loganâs hands were on his bare chest, smoothing over his shoulders. His eyes were a little red from the tears neither of them had quite gotten past yet, his nose a little blocked up, his hair a mess from Finnâs hands as heâd tried to tell his body last night that he could sleep, that this wasnât a dream. There were red marks on Loganâs ribs and waist from Finnâs hold on him, and Finn briefly wondered if that grip of his had loosened or tightened during his small intervals of sleep. Heâd gotten Loganâs bare skin against all of him each night. Not quite sex, not yet. Definitely not their usual reunions. Something closer to memorizing.
âIâm right here,â Logan said. He kissed him, stopping his uneven breath until Finn inhaled slowly through his nose and kissed back. âRight here.â
Finn took hold of Loganâs hips and pulled until he was straddling his waist and Finn could feel the full weight of him. He pushed his nose into Loganâs neck and inhaled.
âIâŚâ Finn began breathlessly. âOkay.â
âItâs okay,â Logan whispered against Finnâs temple.
Finn stayed there. He focused only on Loganâs fingers in his hair.
âYou feel the same,â he said against Loganâs skin. âYouâre myâŚYou feel the same.â
He knew Logan was smiling just by the way his shoulders shifted beneath his hands. He pulled back to see his face. When Loganâs thumb brushed over his bottom lip, Finn tilted his chin down and let it slip slightly into his mouth. Logan leaned forward and kissed Finnâs lips around it.
Finn hummed softly, tilting his head into the kiss.Â
âI brought us coffee,â Logan mumbled.
Finn kept their kisses slow and gentle, savoring the salty-sweet of Loganâs skin and mouth. âLet me share yours.â
Logan removed his hand, giving Finn a firmer kiss, before he reached for his steaming cup and tilted it against Finnâs mouth.
Sweet. Sugar and cream.
âYeah.â He licked the remaining sweetness from his lips. âThatâs you. Thatâs my baby, thatâs all you.â
Logan smiled. He picked up Finnâs cup, sipped, and grimaced. âAnd this is all you.â
Finn laughedâthose muscles were raw and weak from disuse, it made his chest hurtâand they switched cups. Logan didnât move from his lap, and Finn kept an arm around his waist as he leaned back against the headboard. He took a sip, let it warm him. Set it down in favor of holding Logan, who did more than warm him. He wanted to fuse them together.
And now, there was broad daylight coming through the windows, and Logan had this look in his eyeânone of the timid vacancy. It had all fled, and his Logan was back. Sure of himself. Sure of Finn.
âWe have to leave,â Finn heard himself whisper.
Logan sighed beneath his hands.
âPlease, letâs go.â He smoothed his palms up Loganâs sides. âLetâs go. I donât want you here, I wantââ
Well. He wanted to put them in a bubble. Away from absolutely everything bad.
Logan set his cup down, too. âFinnâŚâ
Finn took Loganâs hands in his. âPlease, Lo. Iâm soâIâve never been so fucking scared in my life.â
âWeâre almost there,â Logan said. âPascal and I will get a real chance to talk today. And Sirius and James.â
âRemus?â
Logan hesitated. âRemus needs to come back first.â
Come back. It sounded horrible, when he was somewhere in the house, like he was a ghost. But it was true.
âI want you out of this,â Finn said harshly. He thought of the way Leo had asked after each of Loganâs injuries. Finn understood. He felt like Logan would slip out of sight again at the smallest thing. âI want you out, when can youâŚâ
âI know. I know, me too. You know that now.â
Sun flooded the room as a cloud shifted. It bled warmth over Finnâs bare skin.
âThis doesnât feel real,â Finn whispered. His voice felt so fragile, like it could shatter right there in his throat. âWhy didnâtâŚâ
He shouldnât ask. It wasnât fair. It wasnât fair to ask. He knew, even, maybe, but he needed to hear Logan say it.
âWhy didnât you tell me?â
Logan seemed ready for the question. He took Finnâs face between his hands, gaze firm.
âRouge. My biggest fear,â he whispered, âin the entire world, the entire world, is that someone will find you and use you, hurt you, to get to me. Do you understand now, how easy it is for them?â
âI donât want protection if it doesnât include protecting you, Iââ Finn shook his head. âLoââ
âI am so terrified of that, that it wakes me up in the middle of the night. Iâm so terrified Iâm not going to realize something has happened, IâFinn, If Iâm not with you, I check your location, if I am, I need to feel your heart beating, like someone did something to you and I didnât realize, and itâs too lateââ Logan pressed his lips together and let his forehead tilt against Finnâs. He shook his head once. âI didnât tell you⌠I should have, and if I had known⌠I didnât tell you because Iâif they threatened you, you needed to not know anythingânothing about what I wasâYou donât understand. You donât know how they are. I donât show you those parts, I donât show you, because I donât care about myself as long as youâre protected, Iâm so sorry, but itâs true.â
âI'm only protected if you come home,â Finn said, pulling back to see him. âThatâs it, Logan. Thatâs it. Thatâs the only thing that can protect me. Me, knowing youâre okay and youâre coming home to me.â
Loganâs eyes had filled.
âIâm so sorry,â Logan whispered.
Finn pushed his hair back gently from his forehead. âAnd that youâre mine. ThatâŚâ
He looked at the silver chain around Loganâs neck and tugged at it until it fell out of the neck of his t-shirt. Carefully, he unattached the silver ring from where it hung beside the pendant.
He kissed Loganâs forehead, lips holding there. âOkay?â
âOuais. Okay.â
âGive me your hand, baby.â
Finn could see Loganâs fingers shaking as he held out his hand with a tear-filled laugh.Â
âGod, hold on,â Finn said, blinking hard. Tears dropped onto the back of Loganâs palm. âI canât even see what Iâm doing.â
âCome here.â Logan breathing hitched even as Finn tilted his chin forward and kissed him. It was messy, mostly tears and mouths that wouldnât cooperate just right. Too busy crying.
âJe tâaime, oh God, I love you.â Logan said. He kissed Finnâs jaw, then cheek, and found his mouth. âI owe you so many explanations, I know that.â
Finn hushed him gently. âExplanations are something Iâll want soon,â he said. âBut I just want you here with me.â
He slid his ring back on Loganâs finger. Something inside his chest slid back into place, too.
âIâm sorry,â Logan whispered. âOh God, Iâm so sorry, Iâm so sorry, Finnââ
Finn wrapped him up tightly against his chest. âI know you are. I know, I knowâŚâ
âIâm so sorryââ
âI cried in your arms,â Finn said. âNow you cry in mine, baby. You were hiding so much, holding so much. You justâŚâ Finn turned his face into his hair. âIâm right here, too. Youâre not alone in it anymore, okay?â
âI never was,â Logan whispered, muffled by Finnâs skin.
Finn didnât have to ask what he meant. He thought of finding Leo in the kitchen last night. Face buried in his hands, shoulders shaking. And all those nights⌠All those nights that he could hardly look at except for Leoâs constant warmth there beside him.
â1017,â Finn said. âLeo.â
Leo,â Logan repeated. âI never told him. Iâm worried he hates me.â
âNo.â Finn had seen the way Leo looked at Logan last night, too. It had made tears swarm in his chest for the thousandth time, seeing the love there. âHe doesnât hate you, Lo. He could never.â
Real love.
Love that Leo was trying so hard to hide. That pressed up warmly to some side of Finnâs heart. A presence he didnât have room to examine yet, not with Logan, new and familiar in his arms again. But it was there, waiting just out of the corner of his eye.
â˘
It was hard to let Logan disappear into Pascalâs office. Sirius and James went, too, Leo lingering behind just long enough to squeeze Finnâs shoulders.
âYou okay?â he asked.
Finn nodded. âBetter. You?â
Leoâs smile was a little strained. He looked exhausted. Like heâd hardly slept.
âYour dreams?â Finn whispered.
Leoâs eyes dimmed. âUhâno. No, theyâre gone now.â
Finn didnât buy it, not with the way Leo slipped into Pascalâs office quickly and let Saint and Luke file in behind him, shutting the door.
It left him with Remus. He sent Finn a glance from his place by the window, then went back to staring out of it.
âTheyâre mirrored,â he said. âDid you know that? So we can see out but no one can see in.â
Finn hadnât. âMakes sense, I guess.â
Remus nodded without looking away from whatever he was watching. They hadnât even been outside in days. Too risky. Remus tugged at the neck of the thick sweater he was wearing. The maroon made his hair and eyes look more golden.
Guilt pooled low in Finn. Heâd barely spared Remus a thought lately. Not since they found Logan. And even, in the wells of his grief, hardly any of it had gone towards Remus, even if they were friends. Logan. It was all Logan.
âWe used to talk about literature,â Finn said.
Remus turned to him. He glanced towards the closed office door. âI thought that was you and Leo.â
âIt is.â Finn nodded. âUs, too, though. You liked mysteries. Spy thrillers.â He smiled a bit. âIronic, I guess. One time, you stole Leo and I advanced copies of an authorâs new manuscript for Christmas.â He tilted his head. âActually, two years ago tomorrow.â
Christmas Eve. Logan, back to him. God, Finn never needed any other present, any other wish again.
Well. That warmth near his heart pressed insistently. Maybe one.
Remusâ nose didnât bleed, but he did look like he was trying to remember. âIt was⌠Something about⌠New York.â
âSet there, yeah,â Finn said, nodding brightly. âThe book was set in New York City.â
âWhere youâre from.â
âYeah, correct.â
Then, the office door opened. An annoyed looking Saint kept his hand on the doorknob as Logan walked through, straight at Finn.
âWhatââ Finn began.
But Logan had taken his face between his hands and kissed him. A hard, Logan-kiss. For sure a Logan-kiss, a coming home kiss, as familiar as Finnâs own face in the mirror.
âJust needed to not be away from you for so long,â Logan whispered, already walking backwards towards the office. âSee you soon.â
Finn couldnât help his smile. âRead my mind.â
âFreaks,â Saint said, but it sounded pretty heatless, then shut the door.
Remus had walked quickly in front of it, and Finn got one glance of Siriusâ gray eyes meeting his before the door closed.
When Remus turned away, he had that vacant, lost look that him and Logan had once shared all over his face. He went back to the window, then paced over to the bookshelf. He picked up a book and set it down again. Finn saw his hand raise to his face, and got a glimpse of red on his fingers before he took out a tissue from his pocket and wiped it away.
âYour kiss theory didnât work on us.â
It took Finn a second to piece that together. His eyebrows went up. Remus turned to look at him.
âIâoh? Oh. Oh, wow, oh. Okay.â
He had to tell Logan.
âYouâre very American,â Remus said.
âIâŚâ Finn blinked. âOkay?â Sirius and Remus. Kissing. He had to tell Leo.
âWe werenât together,â Remus said. âBefore.â Then, like this was the most casual conversation in the world, âI thought we were.â
Finn shook his head, but it turned into a shrug. âI meanâI wasnât aware. If. I didnât know if you were, maybeââ
âNo,â Remus said. He sat down across from Finn and set one shoe on the edge of the low coffee table. âWe werenât.â He rubbed at his jaw. âThat was our first kiss.â
âWellâhm. Wow.â Finn had no clue what to say. âSomeâŚSome first kiss.â
âLogan remembered the library. Your first kiss.â Remus frowned down at the table. âHe remembered it right when you started telling him the story.â
Finn nodded slowly. âHeâyeah. Yeah, he did, I guess.â
âNot âI guess,ââ Remus leaned forward, setting his foot back on the ground. âHe did. He interrupted you. You were saying what he said back to you, and he finished your sentence. âIâm sweet.ââ
âI know,â Finn said faintly. âI know.â
âWhat?â
Finn realized he was smiling a little. âJustâYou and Sirius are so alike.â
âHow could you know? Iâm not sure I even knew him when I knewâŚâ Remus blinked. âWhen I knew myself.â
Finn hoped Sirius never got wind of that. Not even an echo of those words. But with the way Remus had been lately, heâd be willing to guess he already had.
âYou did,â Finn said. âYou knew him. You and James knew him the best.â
âWhatâs the âbest?ââ Remus shook his head. âWhat if his âbestâ was hardly at all?â
âHey,â Finn said, shaking his head. âSirius wants you to remember, too. He really, really cares about you.â
âThatâŚâ Remus pressed his lips together.
âAnd you care about him, too,â Finn said. âKissing or not.â
Remus stood up. âWhat if I neverââ
But then the office door was opening and Logan was coming towards him for the second time, this time with a fragile sort of relief written all over him. His eyes, his brow, his shoulders, even the way he took Finnâs hands in his.
âItâs over,â Pascal said before Logan could.
Finn brought Loganâs hands against his own chest, then to his mouth. âItâsâLo?â
âIâm done,â Logan said softly, just for Finn. âOut.â
âJesus.â James had his glasses off, rubbing at his eyes. He sat down and put his face in his hands, one thumb touching the scar where his tracker had been cut out. Sirius came out of the room. He said nothing, just sat down beside James. Finn watched Remus watch him.
âWhereâs Leo?â Finn asked Logan.
Logan frowned, looking back towards the door. âStill inside?â
He stepped out from the office, then, looking tired, but relieved. Finn got a small smile from him, then he went to sit beside James.
âI want you all to lay low for a couple of days,â Pascal said. âYou can leave the house if you like, stay somewhere else, but keep an eye out. Take precautions.â
âAre you sure? What if they come after someone?â Finn asked.
âSalazar is being dismantled as we speak. They will act quickly. Assets will be frozen, theyâll have very little power, and theyâre in enough trouble as it is.â
âRight,â Remus said. âSo a couple more kills wonât make a difference. Revenge doesnât end when everything else does.â
âI wonât let that happen,â Sirius said.
âWho says you can stop it?â
This Remus, Finn thought, had a newfound ability to be right while being rude. It wasnât something heâd done before. Logan had changed, too, he supposed. Being lost had quieted him, but it seemed to bring a certain loud, defensiveness out in Remus.
Pascal frowned at Remus like he was thinking the same thing.
Finn forgot all about it when Logan slipped his hand into Finnâs. âAllez.â He dropped a kiss to Finnâs shoulder. âCome with me.â
Finn let Logan lead them back up to their room. He had to stop him once on the landing halfway up the main staircase, and press him back against the wall by his hips. Logan let him.
âIâm still afraid,â Finn said. âMaybeâmore afraid. Like I could get you back just to lose you again.â Finn pushed the hair back from Loganâs face. âNot maybe. Definitely.â
âI know.â Logan hooked his fingers in the loops of Finnâs jeans. âWhat will help? Stay here? Extra security. Go home?â
Finn shook his head. âI canâtâI donât know if Iâm ready for home. Even with you with me.â
Logan frowned at that, but didnât push Finn for more. âOkay.â
âI canât spend another second in this house, either.â
âSo, we go somewhere,â Logan said. âAnywhere.â He leaned up and kissed the corner of Finnâs mouth. âWhere do you want to go, Rouge?â
â˘
âLe?â
Finn stopped hard halfway down the entrance hall and began walking quickly towards Leo and the front door instead, eyes on the bag at Leoâs feet. âWhat are youâŚYouâre leaving? Already?â
Leo looked up from where he was tapping something out on a new phone, then pocketed it. âIâoh. Yeah.â
He lookedâcaught, somehow. Guilty.
Were you going to say goodbye?
Finn fought off the question.
âUm.â Leo wasnât quite looking at him. He was fiddling with the zippers on his jacketâs pockets. âItâs been a few years since I spent a Christmas with my family. So. Gotta break the news to them, too. At least, as much as I can.â
Finn stopped in front of him. He forgot sometimes. That Leo was a little younger than them. But he looked it a bit, just now. Sad. Exhausted.
âTheyâll be so happy to see you,â Finn said. âI would be.â
âYeah, itâll be good.â Leo sniffed a little, shoulders up at the cold coming in from the front door.
âShould you really go alone, orâI mean, be alone?â
âIâll be okay,â Leo said. âWhat about you two?â
Finn was still stuck on Leo alone on a plane when Christmas came.
âWell, IâŚâ Finn looked down at his bags again. âWeâre going to France. Weâre gonna take the train. Our families are there and we figuredâŚâ
Leo finally looked at him, then, eyes wide. âOh, wow. Thatâll beâŚâ
âA shock?â Finn laughed a little. âYeah. The plan is maybe for me to go in first and break the news so they donât think theyâve likeâŚlost it. When they see him. But, fuck, who knows if theyâll even believe me. Theyâll probably think Iâve lost it.â Finn shook his head. Alex was going to think heâd gone insane. âBut we were hopingââ
âGood plan,â Leo said, then broke off. âOh, sorry, what were you saying?â
âWell, we were just thinking that if you didnât have plans, maybe you wanted to come with us? I mean⌠After the shockâŚItâs Nice. Itâs a big old house on the water. Itâs wonderful. AndâŚâ Finn tried for a smile, taking a step forward. âWe really want you there. A lot. I do. I want you there.â
I want you to tilt Loganâs chin up even more when he kisses you. How do I tell you that? How do I tell him that?
Leo drew in a slow breath. Finn tried to track the expressions that fled over his face, but they were there and gone too fast. Leoâs smile was fleeting, too.
âThatâs nice of you,â he said.
âCome,â Finn said softly. âCome with us.â
But Leo shook his head. âThatâs something you two need to do together. No one in your family knows who I am, Iâll be in the way.â
âYou wonât. You could never be in the way. Andâwe will do it together,â Finn said. âButââ
âI canât,â Leo said. He looked away. âI canât, thank you.â
âOkay⌠Okay.â His heart started a path all the way down to the pit of his stomach. âOkay, well⌠If you change your mindâor after youâve seen your parents, Iâm going to have Lo send you the address, okay?â
âOkay.â
Finn hated this. He hated this coldness from Leo. He didnât know what to do with it. He nodded towards the house. âLoâs gonna want to say bye. I mean, were you just going to leave?â
Leo cleared his throat and stooped to shoulder his bag. âI should. If Iâm going to make it while thereâs still some of tomorrow left.â
Finn blinked fast, confused. âLeo.â
This wasnât like him at all.
But Leo kept turning away, and Finn couldnât let him leave like that. Like this. Whatever this was.
âLeo.â He grabbed his arm and held fast. Saw the way Leo closed his eyes.
âWait,â Finn said. âWait, just⌠Wait.â
Finn had the sudden, sugar-tasting urge to call him sweetheart and put a hand on his cheek.
Something was going to fall right out of his chest, right now, and he couldnât stop it, no matter the mess. Logan had covered him in blood and tears for days now. He wanted Leo in their mess, too.
âI donât knowâI donât have the words right now,â Finn said. âAnd I havenâtâtalked to Lo about how Iâve been⌠Thereâs been hardly room for anything more than this relief that feels like it might crush me sometimes. Like Iâll just die under the weight of it, what the hell is up with that?â Leo gave a quiet nod. Like he felt it, too. Finn dropped his voice and put his other hand into Leoâs, squeezing even when Leoâs remained loose. âBut you said, in the kitchen, you said that something must be wrong with you for wanting two people.â
Leoâs shoulders went tight. He didnât look at Finn. But he didnât pull away, either. Snow whirled outside, pressing in against the windows.
âYouâve kissed us both,â Finn whispered. âWe kissed you back, donât pretend we didnât. And donât tell me we were tired, or lonely, or surprised. You want both of us.â
âDonât,â Leo said sharply.
âWell.â Finn swallowed. âWhat must be wrong with me, when I just got my husband backâŚand it was my only wish, for so long, but every second I spend with you, I wantââ
âDonât Finn.â
Finn never wanted to hear him say his name like that. Like it hurt to say. Leo wasnât looking at him again. His eyes were down, the blue bright in the slanting light coming in through the from door window.
âYou got your boy back,â Leo said, and pulled free. âGo be with him.â
Finn went to the door as Leo walked down the steps. Something like panic tightened his chest as he watched Leo make it five steps down the pathwayâ
And turn back. Fuck, Finn saw him mouth and then Leo was pushing back up the front steps and pulling Finn into a tight, one-armed hug. He pressed their cheeks together. Finn clutched him back, tangled his fingers in gold hair and turned to press his lips to Leoâs cheek.
âYou donât believe me,â Finn whispered.
âNo,â Leo said. âLook who you already have.â Leoâs mouth brushed his jaw. âHeâs so perfect.â
Well. That, at least, was something he could reverse. Fix. Maybe not now. Maybe not until he had a soft-eyed, perfect Logan in on theâwell. Mission. Target: Leo. See, Finn absolutely could have been a spy. No matter what Sirius Black thought.
âWill youâŚâ Finn closed his eyes and pressed his mouth to the cold fabric of Leoâs coat. âWill you let us know that youâre safe?â
âYes,â Leo said. He pulled back and, thank God, looked at Finn. Looked at Finnâs mouth. âI will. You too.â
Finn nodded. He couldnât help it. He looked at Leoâs. Pink, a little chapped. The train. On the train, when Finn had had to tilt his chin up when Leoâ
âGood,â Leo said. He put a hand on Finnâs cheek, and then left Finn to watch him walk all the way through the gate this time, and disappear into the busy streets.
â˘
It was nearing six when Finn watched Logan hold the keycard up to their sleeping compartment on the train to Paris. The door clicked and Logan sent a smile over his shoulder as he slid it open.
It wasnât identical to the one theyâd been in, but it was close enough to give Finn goosebumps over the back of his neck. Stacked, twin beds. Private shower, small sink and fridge. Another bottle of champagne, this time a full-sized.
Snow was going to race by out the window, and Logan was going to be in here, all of him this time, with Finn. Loving him.
âI meant to ask,â Finn said as he set their bags down. âDo you remember everything from when youâŚforgot?â Finn scrunched his nose up at the strange sentence. âDo you remember the train ride here? Dreaming. Asking me whatâs real.â Logan turned towards him and Finn let him pull him closer. âLetting me hug you?â
âCalling me âbaby.ââ Logan smiled and closed his eyes when Finn took his face in his hands. Logan turned to kiss his palm and stayed there for a moment. âOuais. I remember. But itâsâŚItâs like a dream or something.â
Nightmare. Logan kissed him twice more. Short, slow things.
âBecause now my mind canât imagine not knowing you. Itâs like a weird, tripped up wire,â Logan said. His eyes went all over Finnâs face. âNot knowing youâre home for me. That the first time we kissed, all the lights shut off and we were the only two people in the world.â Logan smiled when Finn did. âOr that the morning after we slept together for the first time, I wrote you a note because I had an eight AM andâŚand then the notes just never stopped.â
âI love you, I love you, I love you.â
Logan wrapped his arms around Finnâs neck and Finn tugged at the zipper of his winter coat, beginning to pull it down. The chills were fading. The fog of relief and grief, so similar really, had cleared a little once theyâd stepped out of that house. And Finn was starting to think about what it had felt like to have Logan entirely. He hadnât allowed himself to think about sex with Logan for a long, long time, but those memories, here, alone, leapt forward now. He could see them in Loganâs face, too, as Finn slowly undid the zipper. A small hitch in his breathing, finally not due to tears.
âIt canât imagine that I donât knowâŚâ Logan broke off with a grin as Finn bent to kiss him once, softly. âDonât know that you have perfect cursive.â
âMm, no I donât.â Finn made Logan let go long enough that he could push the coat from his shoulders. He wore a thick green sweater underneath.
âOuais.â Logan tugged at the buttons on Finnâs jacket. âOr not knowing that neither of us can cook but there was that one birthday of mine where you tried anyway, and you made your momâs spaghetti, but it didnât work so you just dropped to your knees in the kitchenâŚâ
Logan trailed off, lips parted. Finn pressed closer.
âLoâŚâ Sort of a question. Sort of a plea.
Logan nodded hard. âMmâŚâ He bit back his smile, then let it free, laughing as he grabbed onto Finnâs collar. He held him tight, rubbing their noses together, back and forth, one, two, three, until they were kissing again. One, another, a third.
Finn breathed him in. Everything about him said I love you. Even the wordless things.
âNo suits or ties with us,â Logan said. âThink itâs the same guy in the dining car? Going to give us the stupid suits or jackets to borrow again?â
Finn shook his head and bent to nip at Loganâs lip. âNo.â
âNon?â
âNope.â Finn shrugged out of his jacket and let it drop to the floor with Loganâs. He didnât care if their snowy boots left footprints on them. âAs inâŚâ He dropped to a knee slowly. âWeâre not going to need suits or jackets.â
He let his fingertips wander over the zipper of Loganâs jeans, could see the way Loganâs breathing jumped, and then whistled two notes and dropped his fingers to start tugging at his own shoe laces.
Logan laughed, putting a hand over his eyes. âGod, I love you.â
Finn made quick work of their shoes, nearly throwing Logan off balance once when he brought his foot up to kiss his ankle through his sock. He set his foot on his thigh and kissed his jean-clad calf, then the inside of knee.
âWeâve been traveling.â Finn tilted his head into the feeling of Loganâs fingers weaving into his hair. âYou wanna shower?â
Logan was already shaking his head. He already looked like Finn had been kissing him for hours, just by the blush on his cheeks.
âNon,â Logan whispered. He knelt, knees spreading to straddle Finnâs thighs. Finn sat back on his heels and took his weight, spanning his fingers over his lower back. Logan thumbed over Finnâs button lip, then swiped gently beneath his eye. âFinnâŚâ
Finn heard the question in Loganâs voice and kissed his yes? right to his mouth and then chin.
Logan took a breath. âDo you think youâll ever forgive me?â
That took Finn off guard. Almost completely. He pulled back some. Logan drew in another breath, eyebrows pulling together. He almost looked afraid of Finnâs answer.
âForgive you?â Finn repeated.
The cabin felt very small around them, or maybe it was only Finnâs throat tightening at the way Logan looked soâso sorry. Like he really thought Finn was sitting there, angry at him still.
âForgive you?â Finn whispered again. âForgive youâLoâŚâ Finn let out half a laugh. âBaby, I forgave you, if thatâs even the right word, the second I saw your reflection, standing behind me, holding a gun to my head.â
Haunted as the words were, they made them both smile, just a little. At the absurdity of it all.
âOh God.â Loganâs palm covered the back of Finnâs head protectively. He leaned down and kissed Finnâs jaw. âCan youâŚâ He tugged at the hem of Finnâs sweater. âLet me see you.â
Finn let Logan tuck cold fingers beneath the hem of his red sweater and tug it over his head. His t-shirt stuck and came with it. Logan sniffed a little, and Finn made a soft sound when he looked up to find his eyes damp.
âThose eyelashes,â Finn whispered as Logan put his hands on Finnâs bare chest. âCâmere, baby.â Finn lifted the green wool from Loganâs body until he got to kiss smooth, tan skin. The scars were there. Shoulder. Clean shot, right through, and his neck, a more gnarled thing. Finn kissed the one on his neck hard. âOf course I forgive you. Of course I do.â
Logan ducked to kiss Finn hard. He smoothed his hands up to Finnâs shoulders. When Finn opened his eyes a little, just to make sure there were no more tears, he saw the shadows of the snow falling outside drift across Loganâs face and chest. Finn got his hands beneath Loganâs thighs and rose until he could lower them both on the narrow bottom bunk.
Loganâs arms wrapped beneath Finnâs shoulders, trailing up and down his spine.
âHere,â Finn mumbled into the kiss, and got the pillow behind Loganâs head. âGotta keep all thoseâmmâŚâ Loganâs teeth were as sharp and playful as he remembered. ââpretty little memories safe.â
âI am safe,â Logan said as he got his hands on Finnâs belt. His fingers were warm now, and the dry slide against Finnâs hot, hardening cock made him tilt his forehead into Loganâs neck. âIâm with you.â
They lost some frantic, chasing kisses as they pushed their pants and underwear away. Finn lost some time pressing against Loganâs bare, warm body. It was covered with more of those snow shadows. Snowflakes, dark smudges over his skin, falling. Finn wanted to catch them with his tongue. So he did.
Each shadow he saw, he pressed a kiss to, then followed it with his mouth. Finn dragged his lips up Loganâs skin until another one shadow came along. He caught that one, too.
Loganâs soft laughter only faded into him when he felt his muscles jump beneath his mouth. He kept his lips on Loganâs skin and looked up at him. He reached down, fingers finding the velvet skin behind Loganâs cock and watched Logan bite his lip.
âI missed you.â Logan said, pulling Finn up from his chest for a kiss. âI thinkâEven when I didnât know, I missed you the whole time.â
Missed. Was that the word?
âNeeded,â Logan whispered as Finn drew his fingers down the soft swell of his ass. His eyes slipped shut as Finnâs finger pressed inside. âNeeded, need, need, Finnââ
Logan was everything. The way his cheeks got hot, the way his mouth went red. The thick gloss of his eyelashes. He was every bit as strong as Finn remembered, shoulders broad, his thick thighs pressing around Finnâs hips. Loganâs cock weeped against his stomach, shining enough that Finn nearly stopped and ducked down to take him in his mouth instead.
It was something like nerves, though, a hard pounding in his heart, when he went to slick himself up and pressed the hot head of his cock against Logan. He could tell Logan felt it, too.
âTell me the truth,â Logan panted as Finn leaned forward to kiss him, unable to resist rubbing the heat of himself over Loganâs skin.
âWhat?â Finn bent to kiss below his jaw and could have melted into the soft sound Logan made. âAnything.â
âAm I the same?â
Finn could feel, in the hot length of Logan pressed to his stomach, his heart beating. Both of their hearts beating. He couldnât stop himself when, at the press of Loganâs hands on his lower back, he brought their erections together in a slow rub. Both of their breathing cut off and Logan swore softly before kissing him again.
âAfter so long,â Logan said. âAm I what you remember?â
âYes,â Finn nodded. âGod. Yes, yesâŚâ
Loganâs voice broke as Finn ground down again. âI was so worried IâŚwouldnât be.â
âYouâre what I could recognize anywhere.â Finn reached back and smoothed a hand down Loganâs thigh, bringing it around his waist. âGod. Even when nothingâs the same, youâre what I know.â
Finn reached between them, gave Logan a few strokes in a tight fist because he couldnât resist, then gripped himself and, with another look at Loganâs bright eyes, pushed inside.
The air shifted. Heavy, like a blanket. Loganâs chest momentarily stopped below his, then heaved with a low moan. His fingers dug into Finnâs shoulders. It would have sounded like pain if Finn wasnât where he was, hard and aching inside of him.
âYouâre soââ Finn broke off, lips against Loganâs. Not kissing, not quite. Logan was breathing just as hard against him. âWarm.â Finn had to close his eyes against it. Against the months of imagining freezing ocean depths. âWarm.â
Finn pulled back to push in once more, to experience it all again, and Logan drew in a harsh breath. He arched into Finnâs hips, pressed a hard kiss to Finnâs mouth, then hooked his heel behind Finnâs leg until he could flip them and sit up. He leaned over Finn, his necklace pooling against Finnâs chest, and sank back onto his cock. Loganâs mouth dropped open as he pressed Finn into his body as hard as he could.
Finn panted, pressing his head back into the pillows.
âNon, look at me,â Logan gasped. âRegarde.â Logan bit at Finnâs jaw, then dragged his lips and tongue along his cheek to his mouth.
Finn kept his eyes open against the pleasure only because of that green color. Heâd dreamed of it. Heâd longed and hoped for it. Heâd never thought heâd see it again.
Loganâs next gasp, the next hard roll of his hips, came with a smile. He leaned into the cradling hand Finn put on the side of his neck. His eyes fluttered and he lost his rhythm, his balance, and Finn put him on his back again with an easy turn. He neededâcontrol. He needed Logan right where he put him.
Loganâs thighs instantly clutched around his hips, his blunt nails dug into his hair.
âThis is also what I remember,â Finn whispered, and Loganâs answering laugh was pure bliss.
âRougeââ Logan panted as Finn rocked into him, slow at first, then faster. A snapping, pulse of a rhythm. Finn got his hand under Loganâs ass and pulled him closer with a hard yank that made Logan tuck his face into Finnâs neck with a low, drawn-out sound.
He felt Logan bite down on his shoulder, hard. âAh, LoâŚâ
Let that break skin. Let that last forever.
âLove you,â Logan saidâor something like it. A blurred cross between English and French. âLove youââ He cut off with a gasp as his head fell back.
âI love you,â Finn said as he kissed his bared neck. âOh God, I need you, I needed you so badlyâŚâ
The roar of the train faded away. The wheels and the sounds of cabin doors sliding open and shut. The slight rattling of the glasses on the fold out table, the hum of their small refrigerator. Finn fucked Logan harder until it was just the sound of their skin meeting, until Finnâs back was so slick with sweat that Loganâs hands slipped and left red marks. Until Logan burned so hot around his cock, under his mouth and hands that the thought of that cold ocean, cold guns, cold beds, cold untouched food, cold graveyard, wet grass, fresh dirt, coffin, empty, cold bathroom tiles, retching, cold showers as he tried to go to work, cold, cold, coldâgone.
All replaced by heat. Loganâs breath panting short and raspy against his cheek. His kisses. Warm sweat sliding down his temples and neck to turn to salt on Finnâs tongue. Warm hands on Finnâs back, and when he hit just right, that warm, white smile and pulled together brows of pure, burning bliss. Even his heels, notched against Finnâs back, were like to hot pressure points.
âFinnâŚâ Logan whispered, the word broken up and jolted by the snap of Finnâs hips. âPlease, please, yesââ
And Finn stilled. His orgasm stole his breath. His heart wasnât his, never had been, it leapt right for Logan, clinging tight. His hips pushed tight against Loganâs body, and he stayed buried deep as he began to come.
âOhââ Loganâs voice came out hoarse. Had he been loud? Yes. Yes, Finn realized, theyâd both been. He could feel the answering moans in his throat still. Loganâs teeth scraped Finnâs jaw, and by the way he tightened around his cock, Finn knew heâd jammed up just right inside him. Logan dropped his head back against the pillows and gasped, then tucked his face back against Finnâs neck.
When another wave of his orgasm hit, a sound stuttered out of Finn and he pulled back just enough to press into Logan again, cock straining as he emptied himself. Loganâs nails dug into his shoulders and Finn finally breathed as Logan began to come between them. Talk about heat. A liquid, burning brand that Finn wanted to taste.
Finn began to push into him in short, hard strokes. âLo.â He ducked to press his forehead to Loganâs temple and Logan met him for a messy kiss. His hands pressed to Finnâs ass as he guided his hips to snap faster. It was too much, too sensitive, but Finn wouldnât have pulled away for anything. If Logan wanted more, heâd get more. Finn would stay just like this until they got to Paris.
He let his weight go, all of it, to trap Loganâs wet cock between them, rutting against it as heâhe stopped softening inside of him. Maybeâwell, he hadnât even thought of sex for months now. One dream, two months ago, where heâd woken up covered in his own come and promptly burst into tears. His body, forcing him into release.
This wasnât that. This was Logan lighting up every nerve in his body. He needed to be deeper. He needed to be closer.
âCome here.â He kissed Loganâs sweat damp temple and pulled back just enough to bend Loganâs knee, turning Logan onto his side. Loganâs balls looked heavy and swollen still and Finn paused to cup them gently. Logan was shaking a little, eyes closed and mouth open. He tried not to slip out of him, but he did, and Loganâs whine went straight to his cock. âShh, shhâŚâ He plastered himself against his back and wrapped a tight fist around Loganâs cock. Logan sucked in a breath and planted one foot on the bed, reaching behind him and taking Finnâs cock in his hand, trying to guide it back into place.
âGod,â Finn whispered. He pressed his teeth to Loganâs neck, gave him one tight stroke before covering Loganâs fingers with his and guiding the head of his cock against Logan. âIâm hard again.â He laughed breathlessly and kissed where his teeth had left red imprints. âThatâs a you thing, usually.â
Loganâs answering laugh was half moan, hand reaching back to tangle in Finnâs hair as Finn pressed back into him.
âOh, sweetheartâŚâ Finn whispered. He pressed a flat palm to Loganâs lower stomach. âNever leave me again.â
Logan shook his head, went to speak, but instead seized up around Finn.
Finn stroked him through in the slow, twisting passes he knew Logan liked. He dripped over Finnâs knuckles, down onto the sheets beneath them. Finn pressed in and stayed there, reveling, grinding in until Loganâs pleased sound let him know he was pulsing inside of him again and something that had been darkly dormant for what felt like eons clicked a light back on.
â˘
âHi there,â Finn said. âWeâre calling from CabinâŚâ Tilted his head. âUh, 28. Yeah, 28. Weâd love to order some dinner to our room.â He looked at Logan and winced with one eye closed. âNo, itâs not because of the attire, we prefer to eat in.â Logan muffled his laugh in his shoulder and reached down to rub a warm hand along Finnâs inner thigh. âYes, I know there are spare jackets. Yes, weâd still like to eat in our rooms.â While the woman was answering, Finn pressed his fingers to Loganâs jaw and turned his head up for a sideways kiss. âMmâwhat? Oh, thank you, thank you.â
He gave the order. Two steak frites, two manhattans, and ice to put the champagne on. Bread rolls, caesar saladsâŚ
âYes, bring the cocktails first, please, thatâd be wonderful. I appreciate it. Oh, and the ice, if itâs not too much trouble.â
âSo polite,â Logan whispered, then hooked a leg around Finnâs hips and closed his eyes with his head against his shoulder.
Finn reached down and cupped his soft cock which only made Logan press his tongue to his neck.
âThank you so much,â Finn said, then hung up the phone. Looked down at Logan, their noses brushing.
Too dark for snowflake shadows now. Just the two of them and the warm bedside light. Logan pressed closer, green eyes bright and happy and sated. After one dragging kiss, the words were out of Finnâs mouth before he could do anything about them.
âYouâre alive.â
Loganâs eyes went sad.
âNo, no.â Finn shook his head, swallowing hard. He placed his fingers between the gentle indents of Loganâs ribs. Felt them deepen and go shallow as he breathed. âItâs not disbelief anymore. Itâs just true.â
Logan pressed his hand over Finnâs heart. âHow are your classes? Tell me everything I missed.â
The temptation was there to tell Logan he hadnât missed anything. It wasnât missing. It wasâŚsomething else.
Good thing Logan knew him the way he knew him.
âNot missed, then.â A quick kiss to Finnâs lips. âTell me, though.â
Finn sighed and gave himself a full ten seconds to run his hands over Loganâs warm skin before he could answer.
âIâm gonna give the kids whiplash when we start up again,â he said. âIâve been sleepwalking.â
Every time he thought it, it got more true.
âLeo saidâŚâ Logan began, then stopped.
âWhat did Leo say?â
LeoLeoLeoLeo.
Logan wet his lips. âMore⌠More what he wouldnât say. Just. How awful it was. How IâŚâ
âIt was.â Finn said. âOf course it was. It was bad, IâI was bad. IâŚA lot of it in the beginning is a littleâŚblurry. I donât knowâŚâ
Logan tilted his chin up. Finn smiled a little and leaned down for a kiss.
âCan you tell me?â Logan whispered.
âMmâŚâ Finn shook his head. Something shattered wracked through him. Dark, cold, and empty.
Butâblue eyes.
âDo you really want to know?â Finn asked.
Logan nodded. âI want every part of you.â
A knock on the door.
Finn looked at him for another moment, then pressed a soft kiss to his mouth and got up to get their cocktails and ice because, he realized, he didnât have the words.
Not even close.
Logan was beautiful with whiskey. He stole Finnâs brandied cherry right out of his mouth with a kiss and a pass of his tongue, and Finn was just thinking heâd have to lay him down again when the food came. Finn felt like he could taste for the first time again. Leoâs cake had felt the same. Rich and chocolatey. The steak was peppery and the fries were thin and salted. Loganâs strong hands popped the champagne cork and when they both went to catch the fizzing over liquid, they ended up in a messy kiss among the sweet bubbles.
âOh, oh,â Logan said when they were halfway through the meal. His feet were in Finnâs lap under the table and Finn was more interested in keeping a hand on his ankle than cutting his steak. Logan saw, of course, and passed him bites from his own fork. Now, he had a sharp grin on. âMartha.â
âOh my God,â Finn laughed. âYou and Martha. You and your weird little competition with Martha fucking Stephens.â
âMhm,â Logan said chewing as he grinned. He had his champagne glass in hand and high color on his cheeks. Finn wanted to bathe in that color. âWhatâŚâ The smile dimmed a little. âDidâŚâ
âI never told them. The students.â Well⌠âI never told anyone at work.â
Loganâs eyes widened a bit. He set his glass down. âReally?â
Finn shook his head. âI donât know what they must have thought was wrong with meâŚâ God, was that ever a question. Heâd seen the way heâd come into work sometimes. Seen the pale, sickly look of his face. Knew how many conversations heâd had to be startled back into. Concerned looks. Knocks on his office door to ask if he was well. Heâd smiled through all of it.
He tightened his hold on Loganâs ankle and rubbed a thumb over the arch of his foot. âI didnât care enough to wonder what they thought.â
Logan was watching him with his mouth slightly pulled to one side.
âIâm too far away,â Logan said softly.
Finn took a sip of champagne and gave Loganâs ankle a tug. âSometimes I forget Iâm sitting with a man whoâs been trained to read people."
Logan gave a shy smile.
âOh, what the hellâs that look?â Finn said. âYouâre so full of shit, being shy, come take a look at the bite marks on my neck.â
Logan gave a real laugh, then. Head back. Finnâs heart all but burst as Logan pushed himself up from his seat and slid onto Finnâs side of the small bench and right up against his side.
They settled into bed after showersâthe water stream was too small for both of them.
It got dark with the lights off. They were curled together on the top bunkâneither of them had ended up bothering with the new sheetsâand Finn felt like nothing could ever touch them again. Loganâs head on his chest. They were in a ship, far out at sea. A hammock on some beach somewhere. This tiny bed that shouldnât have fit them comfortably even a little, but did. Every once in a while, a light from some town lit up the far wall. Someone walked by outside. Voices. But with their legs entwined beneath the tightly fitted sheets and quilt⌠It was just them.
He knew Logan was awake. For a little while heâd been still against him, but now he was tracing feather-light patterns over his chest through his t-shirt. Touching Finnâs wedding ring, rubbing his fingertips over the warmed metal.
Maybe Logan was trained to read people, but he was also in love. He knew Finn needed to talk.
Finn was in love, too. He knew Logan was waiting.
Finn breathed in, and found one shard of these last months. Sharp edges and all. He looked it in its face.
âI had a really hard time withâWith there not being⌠With not having your body.â
He kept it as a whisper. Felt Loganâs hand still, but he didnât move otherwise. He resumed the soft tracing.
âI didnât expect that.â Finn stared at a shadow darting across the ceiling. âI donât know why I would want to see you like that. Thatâs what Al said. Trying to make it better. And I donât. I donât want to see that. ButâŚNot having it just meant you wereâsomewhere else? Somewhere. Somewhere and I didnât know where.â
âLeoâs ocean,â Logan whispered.
âYeah. Leoâs dreams⌠Iâd say that sums it up pretty well.â
The pattern Logan traced turned into what Finn was fairly sure was a star. Then a figure eight, then nothing, just circles over Finnâs heart.
âAnd everyone says the thing,â Finn continued. âThe thing, theâitâs not them anymore. Itâs just a body, theyâre gone. And I fucking hated that.â He pressed his teeth together. âI fuckingâŚhated that. But I hated everything else. Nothing would have been better, thereâs no better, thereâs no making it better.â
Logan flatted his palm.
âThereâs no better, thereâs just sitting there. Through it. Letting it justâŚIt just is there, and youâll go outside and people are justâŚdoing things. Normal things. And I hated that, too. There was a day after the funeral and Alex was staying with me and he said, justâŚLike it was just any day. He says, letâs go grab something to eat. And I know, I know he was just trying to get me out of the house, and neither of us cook, and just was trying, trying anything but IâŚâ Finn felt his throat tighten. âLo, I lost it at him. I fucking justâŚâ He squeezed his eyes shut. âIâve never talked to him like that. I completely lost myâŚself. My mind. I screamed at him. And he just took it. Let me hit him. I made his lip bleed.â
Logan was tense in his arms now, palm pressing down on Finnâs chest, fingers a little curled in.
âLet me exhaust myself more like.â Finn huffed out a bitter laugh. âI donât remember after. I just remember waking up and it was morning and I was on the couch, and Al was sleepingââ Finn pressed his lips together against the tears. ââon the floor. Next to me. And he had this swollen fucking lip and I was so sorry, butâŚâ
Finn put a hand over his eyes.
âBut heâd grabbed your sweatshirt.â The words came out thick. âHe was wearing your sweatshirt.â
It was clear as day in his mind. This part. The look on Alexâs face, the way heâd kept his hands up, not once shouting back. His exhausted brown eyes, in pain because Finn was in pain.
âAny sorriness that Iâd felt seeing him sleeping on the fucking floor with the split lip Iâd given him, it justâit was just gone. Woke him up trying to get the sweatshirt off of him. Because I knew I only had so many that would still smell like you, and that was one of them. Woke him up fucking tearing it off of him and screaming at him all over again, to get out, to not touch anything becauseâŚEverything just becomes a shrine.â
Iâm not leaving. Fishâhey, no. Stop. Iâm not leaving. Hit me. Hit me again. Hit me all you want, Iâm not fucking leaving you.
âBecame a memory Iâd lose if I moved something that youâd touched. And so I couldnât move.â His eyes blurred over, unfocused. âSo I stayed still. Very still for the first month. If I didnât touch anythingâŚYouâdâŚâ
Hardly able to breathe in Alexâs arms. I canât, I canât, I canât.
Finn let his hand fall away. Logan covered it with his own. âThereâs no reasoning with grief. Pins you down and keeps you.â
A soft sound let Finn know Logan was crying, too. He felt lips press to his knuckles.
âAlex,â Logan said softly. âGod, will he beâ?â
âYeah, heâs in Nice,â Finn said. âReally didnât like it when he saw I wasnât coming. Really didnât.â
âHe stayed with you.â
âYeah,â Finn whispered. âAs long as he could. And thenâŚâ
Finally, Logan shifted. He tilted his head up to see Finnâs face. âThen?â
âThen Leo.â
Loganâs eyes softened. âLeo.â
That first knock on the door. Wellâno. Not exactly.
âHe had a key,â Finn said. âDid you know he had a key?â
Logan smiled a little, shaking his head.
âYeah. I actually didnât know he was there the first time. I came out of the bedroom and opened the fridge for some water and it was completely filled with food. Labeled containersâhis handwritingâof just a ton of food. The freezer, too.â
Loganâs soft laugh wasâŚwell. Smitten? Maybe? Finn had to bite back a small smile, wiping at his eyes.
âI fell into his arms and cried. ForâI donât know. It felt like hours. And he just took it. Held me. And then I woke up to him sitting next to me on the couch again, who fucking knows what time it was, but it was dark out, and heâd turned on those warm lights you likeâI hadnât touched them. And I almost justâŚfreaked, but⌠He set down two mugs. I thought it was soup, but it was just broth. People had been trying to force me into all of these meals. Everything just felt like too much.â
âThatâs not like you,â Logan said.
âI know.â Finn traced a thumb over his brow. âIt was like the sad filled me up. And I just couldnât do it. But he just let me sit there and go slow and he talked about other stuff. And I finished the whole thing. It was honestly the best Iâd felt inâŚforever. Since they told me.â
âWho told you?â
âSirius and James.â
âNot Leo?â
âNo, but he came after, that same night. Found me on the floor. I thought I was never going to move again.â Finn tilted their temples together. âIn the beginning, he was a piece of you. Your world. Another part of the things I couldnât move. But he became so much more than that. Heâs the reason I was able to go back to work.â Finn nodded. âYeah. Heâheâd lay down next to me. Heâd stay all night. And sometimes IâdâŚâ
Logan was already nodding. âItâs okay. Itâs okay, tell me.â
âIâd wake up holding him. And, yeah, part of me, while I was asleep, thought he was you. But I alsoâŚI was so grateful he was there. So glad he was there.â
They looked at each other for a long moment. Finn knew they were both thinking about the fact that Logan had kissed him. Somehow, it just made Finn feel warmer, like Logan really did know how important Leo was. He wanted to tell Logan about the train. He would. Soon.
âI swear to God, Lo.â Finnâs voice was hardly there when he spoke next. Not as if it were a secret. As if were sacred, just for them. âLo, he saved my lifeââ
Logan sat up sharply. He had a hand over his mouth, like he might be sick. His back muscles pulled hard and he pressed both palms over his face then, tears breaking a sound from his throat.
Finn sat up, too, hand on the back of his neck. He squeezed gently and let out a harsh sob. âI know. I know, baby, I know.â
Logan reached out blindly and took Finnâs hand, pressed it to his lips. He turned and wrapped his arms tightly around Finnâs shoulders, nearly knocking them both into the pillows. But Finn resettled them, leaning back against the wall that mirrored the side of the train, feeling it rumble against his spine as they sped through the night. He closed his eyes when he felt kiss after kiss being pressed to his neck, combined with the hot drip of tears.
âShhâŚâ Finn said gently, rocking them back and forth.
âI canât picture you like that.â
âYeah.â He pressed a kiss to Loganâs hair. âI hardly can, either.â
Eventually Logan pulled back and sat half in Finnâs lap, half beside him. His eyes were red.
âFinn,â he said, sniffing, and then kissed the soft place right between Finnâs eyebrows. Then his cheek, his mouth, just like he had when he remembered. âIâŚâ
Logan swore softly.
âWhat?â Finn asked. âWhat is it?â
âItâs Leo.â
Finn nodded. He hadnât been sure when it would come up, but he knew it would. If not at Loganâs hand, then his own. Logan didnât look nervous exactly. Maybe they were fresh out of nerves. He leaned in and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to Finnâs mouth, and all Finn could think about was how he was sure that Logan had kissed Leo back, and whether or not heâd done it like that. He hoped he had.
He hoped he had.
And what the hell did that say about the three of them?
âI know weâtalked about the kiss. When I remembered it and asked you at that apartment. Wellâmaybe we didnât talk-talk about it, but IâŚâ
There were probably a thousand different things to say, but Finn only landed on one.
âItâs okay,â Finn said. âLo, really.â
âI never told you,â Logan said, a bit pleadingly. âI never told you, Iâmâso sorry. I wasnât sure how because I fucking love you so, so much and I got scaredâ And I keep waiting for you to say something now that Iâm back, but youâreâŚâ Logan laughed a little, disbelieving. âYou havenât? You havenât said anything, why havenât youâŚâ
âLeo kissed me on the train.â
Loganâs eyes went a bit wide. âThe train.â
âMhm. The train here. You were sleeping, he took me to dinner, I found out he was behind 1017âŚâ Finn pushed gently at Loganâs chest, and when Logan realized he was biting back a smile, his face opened up. He settled himself back on his elbows, then let himself rest on his back as Finn hovered over him. âI kissed him rightâŚâ Finn leaned down and pressed a lingering kiss to Loganâs cheek. ââŚhere, and he kissed me.â
When Finn made to pull back Logan hooked his hands under his arms and pressed warm palms to the expanse of his back.
âHe kissed us both?â Logan whispered.
They were back in their far-away world again, speeding through the night of snow-shadows, only, now that theyâd slotted entirely back together, the spaces that were empty glared bright.
âHe said something in the kitchen,â Finn said.
âWhat, what did he say to you?â
âHe said something about wanting a married couple, and how he thinks somethingâs wrong with him for it.â Finn finished the sentence with his lips against Loganâs neck, just to feel his pulse pick up. âSo, why donât we call it square, Tremblay? Since we both liked it so much.â
There. There was the thrum, right beneath his teeth.
âHe said that?â Loganâs fingers tightened in Finnâs hair and he pulled him back so he could see his face. âRouge, he said that to you?â
Finn nodded. âHe told me about Paris, too. When he thought youâd left, but you came and found him.â
Logan blinked, eyes going just over Finnâs shoulder, as if the memory was there. âOhâŚâ A small, gentle smile crossed his face. âHeâd had a hard mission. It was justâeverything almost went wrong. And if it had, it was all going to be on him. I wanted to see my family before coming home to you, but then James said he was staying, soâŚâ His eyes went back to Finnâs. âWe talked about you all night.â
Finn blinked. âWhat?â
âWe did.â Logan tilted his chin up and Finn accepted the gentle kiss. âAbout the way you look when you talk with your hands, and your glasses, and we talked about how hard it is to leave you behind. We talked about 1017, too. The messages.â Logan scraped gentle teeth along Finnâs lower lip. âIâŚYou know what, maybe I knew he wanted you, too. Maybe I knew then.â Logan took a breath. âI knew that I wanted him. Maybe it wasnât love yet, like with you, but maybe I wasnât letting myself see it. Is that horrible? If I said it was happening then?â
Finn ducked down to rub their noses together once. âOh God, no. No, it isnât horrible at all.â Loganâs hand curled around the back of his neck and kept him there. The train gave a small lurch against the rail and night, but they didnât move. âWhat are we doing, Lo? I just got you back, I didnât think Iâd be⌠Have room forâŚBut IâŚâ Finn laughed a little when he blinked and two tears almost comically landed on Loganâs cheeks. âOh, fuck, sorry.â
âNon,â Logan said, knees raising to cradle Finnâs hips more tightly. His own eyes were bright, too. âI like it, I⌠I canât believe heâŚâ
Finn rolled onto his side so they were face to face, heads close at the end of the bed. Finn didnât feel turned upside-down at all. None of this felt wrong or flipped. He could sleep now, each bite of food was full of flavor, Loganâs laugh was real, and Leo⌠Leo?
âYou know, all this crying weâre doingâŚâ Finn said. âNo one would ever guess we just had some insanely great sex.â
âMm.â Logan pressed forward until they were all tangled together again. âWe did. So good. You feel so good.â He pushed his nose just beneath Finnâs ear, at the hinge of his jaw. âSmell so good.â
His accent was thick. Just like it always got when he was tired. Exhausted, probably. Finn felt it, too, but he knew there was no way he was getting right to sleep after all that. Alex, and Leo. The grief and whatever came next. He gently arranged them until his arm was beneath Loganâs head and he could see his face clearly. His eyes crinkled a little with a tired smile.
âYou want to close your eyes?â Finn whispered. âCâmon. Sleep just like this. Dream of Leo.â
âMmâŚyour arm will fall asleep.â But Loganâs eyes closed.
âNo, it wonât.â
âOuais.â
âIâll move when I need to,â Finn said. âJustâŚâ He settled with his back against the wall, Loganâs head heavy against him, chin tilted up a bit. Perfect for him to see his flushed cheeks. The relaxed cupidâs bow of his mouth. The dark freckle on the side of his nose, and Finnâs favorite three on his neck. âJust let me look at you a little.â He reached up and drew a gentle finger from Loganâs forehead down the slope of his nose. Watched the way his golden wedding band caught the faint light. âGo to sleep, Lo baby. Weâll be right here together all day tomorrow.â
Christmas Day, Finn realized.
âRougeâŚâ Loganâs breathing evened out, heavy and soft for Finn to feel in every part that was touching him.
âYeah?â Finn whispered.
âCall Leo tomorrow,â Logan said softly. âWe call Leo, and we tell him to come home.â
âSo if you could justâŚâ Leo watched the way Remus rubbed at his forehead. âPlease tell me why this happenedââ
âLet them go,â Leo cut in softly.
Remus could look at him like thatâburning, defiantâall he wanted. Leo was more interested in the way Finn was looking at Logan. They both still had blood all over them. Smeared like a record of the way they touched each other.
He wished for that on his own skin. Just something to remember. Though those memories were half-torture.
Logan wasnât just holding Finnâs hand right now. They were pressed together from hip to shoulder. Finn looked a bit like he was waiting for Logan to disappear.
Logan looked over at Leo, and Leoâ
He didnât know why he looked away. Logan had been half a ghost walking around, back among them but still gone.
NowâŚ
âWhatâs a little longer after everything? Then he tells us,â Leo said. He pushed up from where heâd been leaning against the wall. âItâs late. Early. Iâll make us some breakfast, and weâll talk. But give them some time. Believe me, they wonât be able to focus until you do.â
Couldnât look at Finn, either.
God, heâd been so stupid on the train.
âJust give them time,â Leo said, and walked out.
There was cream. Real cream. Leo watched the perfect stream move as he whisked it into mashed potatoes. There was ground beef and ripe tomatoes and fresh pasta from a marketplace nearby. Leo had everything for a shepherdâs pie in no time. He wasnât even sure why he was making it. He was meant to be doing something for breakfast butâŚhere were what his hands had decided on apparently.
âLo,â he whispered as he chopped. âFuck.â
Covered in blood, the two of them. He should have pieced it together instantly, but he hadnât known what to think. Theyâd been holding each other so tightly when they walked into the room, and it was a sight that heâa thousand things. Heâd missed it, heâd thought it was gone. He wanted it in the most terrible ways.
It just played through his head. An endless loop. All of it. Loganâs tracker going offline. Standing at that shoreline, the ocean feeling freezing, going home to his apartment, Sirius and James going to tell Finn without him. Without him. Heâd been allowed to see him only after, only when theyâd left Finn alone with it, had to, Sirius and James had needed to work, to starting damage control, Leo had known that, but the idea of Finn, alone after being told Logan was deadâ
Itâd had him running.
Heâd found Finn limp and sitting on the floor, right in their entrance way, right beneath their notes. Head tilted back against the wall like every ounce of strength had fled. He wasnât crying. Hadnât looked up when Leo opened the door. His eyes were open but unfocused, his breathing far too quick. Leo had sunk down in front of him. Finn. Finn?
Like something coming apart in his hands. Thatâs what heâd been. Just coming right apart. Pieces for Leo to catch. Come here, come here.
Leo set the bowl down hard on the counter and braced his palms against the it.
And Logan had known that might happen. That there was a path that would lead Leo through that door, over and over, to find Finn only half-there. A path that would lead Leo to finally getting Finn to sleep, to trying to make him something for when they felt like they could eat, and instead losing his own meager breakfast in the kitchen trashcan.
Sick with grief. Had Logan thought of them like that before everything spiraled out of their control?
Leo caught movement behind him in the silvery reflection of the bowl and turned quick.
Logan was standing in the doorway.
Alone.
Looking at him. Really looking at him, the way he used to.
Leo couldnât say hi. Not when he thought heâd neverânot when Logan was real and standing there and had obviously been kissing Finn again. And he still just had that damn blood all over him andâand even if thatâs what it was, Leo could see, beneath it, the flush over his cheeks and the redness of his mouth that made him look more like some vision right out of Leoâs stupid imagination.
Logan didnât need someone to shake apart because theyâd missed him. He already had that. So, Leo turned again and pulled a cutting board towards him and the carrots heâd torn the tops off of.
âYou donât have to thank me,â Leo said. âYou deserve to be together. Re was out of line, memory or no memory.â
No reply from behind him, but Leo heard him take two steps forward. Leo had to keep talking so he didnât cry.
âWish I had the stuff for one of your favorites,â Leo said. âPretty good kitchen, though, all things considered. You know. Lost memories. Our own organization wanting to kill us. All that.â
âPut the knife down,â Logan said faintly. âPut it down.â
Leo froze. Silently, he did as he was told. His hands were shaking anyway. And he didnât trust himself. With the knife, with them, God, kissing them, wanting them, both of them, and them together.
Had anyone ever loved two people as a pair so much? What was that? What was he supposed to name that?
He didnât have time to think about it. Logan walked around the island corner, got so close that Leo felt his body heat before they even touched. He put a hand on Leoâs shoulder and pushed gently until Leo listened to him and turned, exposing himself to the warm hand Logan put on his cheek.
âLook at me,â Logan whispered, and made a soft sound when Leo didnât. âLook at me, you havenât looked at me. Leo. LeoâŚâ
Logan pressed up onto his toes and pulled Leo tight against him. He could feel Loganâs breathing just above the collar of his t-shirt.
âYou took care of him,â Logan said softly.
There wasnât much Leo could do against that. Except maybe, if heâd ever let himself, just fall apart and let Logan take all his weight. But no. Around the burning behind his eyes, something else was there, too.
âI know you took care of him.â Logan pressed their cheeks together. âLeo. CherâŚMerci. Leo, thank you, thank youâŚâ
Then Leo shoved at his chest. Logan was sturdy, even though he hadnât been expecting it. He felt back just one step, blinking in surprise. Leo went cold all over without him there.
âHow could you do that to me?â Leo said hoarsely.
Logan put his hands out. âNo one could know. I didnâtâplease Leo, it had to look real. You know it had to, you would have understoodââ
âYou didnât give me the chance to understand. You let me think you were dead. Dead, Logan, I thought you were gone for months, I thought you were dead, and I thought I lost you. My tracker, my plan, I thought I fucking got you killedââ
Logan shook his head. âYou know thatâs not how it works. Blame doesnât come into the missions, not when everything is so unpredictableââ
âOh, what the fuck is that?â Leo knew he was speaking too loudly. âA rule? A rule for the way I feel to follow? Blame comes whether you want it to or not. How could youâŚâ Leo pressed his teeth together against the tears. âHow could you do that to me?â
âI was never supposed to be gone that long.â Loganâs green eyes were filled, his lip shaking as he fought to speak. âOh God, Le, I was neverâŚI wasââ
âI donât care how long it was supposed to be. Howeverâwhateverâwhat amount of time would have been okay? How could you do that to me? How could you do that to me?â
âLeoââ
âHow could you do that to him?â
Logan closed his eyes, brow pinching. He turned his face away like he could shy away from it.
âDo you have any idea how hard it was to see him like that?â Leoâs voice shook as he tried to keep it low. He didnât want Finn to hear this part. âDo you have any idea what it was like to fucking see him like that?â
He didnât know how to explain it to Logan, but some part of him wanted him to know. He wanted him to have to live with Finn waking up in the dead of night choking on his tears, torn out of some horrible dream of pure grief and into a worse reality, Leo kneeling in front of him, helpless. Completely helpless. Finn, bright, loud Finn and his endless words, sitting on the sofa in their living room, the blanket Leo had draped around him pulled tight by his fists, staring, blank and silent, for hours. Hours. Leo coming in the morning and finding the food heâd left untouched, and Finn unmoved.
But even then. Even now, with rage coursing through his veinsâŚHeâd never wish that on Logan. Gentle Logan. Fierce with everything he loved.
âIt was tearing him apart,â Leo let the tears break through in his voice. âIt was tearing him apart, it was tearing meââ
Logan reached for him again and Leo slapped his hands away with far less heat this time. Relief overwhelmed him when Logan reached again, a gentle, timid hand against his chest this time. Logan was crying too hard to speak. He just bowed his head against Leo, head tucked against his collarbone. Leo could feel his body shaking. He covered his eyes as he let out a harsh breath, then gave in, holding Loganâs waist tightly.
âWe took care of each other,â Leo managed. âI fucking missed you, too, Logan, I never thought Iâd see you again, I never thought Iââ
Logan made a soft sound and put his arms back around Leo. His mouth landed somewhere scarcely to the left of Leoâs lips, Leoâs somewhere close to the corner of his. Leo tasted salt, but he didnât know whose tears it was.
And Leo couldnât breathe. It was just like the dreams. He pressed hard against Logan, fist tight in the back of his sweater, but the air, the airâ
âIâm right here.â Loganâs voice was a hush. âIâm right here. I missed you, too.â Logan pressed another hard kiss to Leoâs cheek. âI missed you so much, I missed you before I was even gone.â
If Leoâs lips were pressed to Loganâs neck as he breathed him in, it didnât have to be a kiss. It really didnât. He promised himself it wasnât. He just needed to be close. He needed something, proof, warm skin, that Logan was really right here.
âWhy didnât you tell me?â he whispered. âI did everythingâI would haveâI gave you 1017, I was already doing anything, I wouldnât have cared about the danger, I wouldnât have caredââ
âI cared.â Logan pulled back, just enough to look him in the eyes. God, that green. âI already asked too much of you. I was already selfish with you. With 1017 and withâŚâ
Logan cut himself off, but with the way his eyes went to Leoâs mouth, Leo knew they were both thinking about the kiss.
For a split second, Leo wondered if he was about to get another.
But no. No, Logan had Finn. Finn needed Logan. That much was clear. So, Leo took a breath. He settled a quick palm against Loganâs cheek before stepping away towards the sink. âSit down,â he said as he turned on the water to let it warm. âActually, go get Finn and then sit there.â He nodded to the stools at the counter.
âLeoââ
âGo get Finn. He doesnât want to be away from you right now. Go get him and bring him here.â
When he heard Logan slip out of the kitchen, Leo put both hands over his face. He stayed silent, even as his shoulders shook.Â
âOh God,â he whispered. âOh God.â
Heâd be stuck on them forever. And Logan would leave, Salazar would go down, and they would have this new life together, and LeoâŚ
Everyone in his line of work said it was better to be alone. Safer, even. Maybe it was time Leo accepted that they were right.
âLe?â
Leo looked up to see Finn standing beside Logan this time. God, he lookedâwell, terrible wasnât a word that could be applied to Finn OâHara, but he looked completely exhausted. Drained of every tear, yeah. But also like himself again.
Logan and him werenât standing next to each other timid and unsure anymore. They stood like they always stood. Way too close for normal company, but theyâd never cared. Logan had always melted a bit with Finn around. Like his shoulders got a little break from holding all that they did.
âHi,â Leo said. He wiped at his face. âGod, look at you two. Sit down.â
He pushed the makings of the meal aside and set out a new bowl to fill with warm water.
As Finn brushed up against him to sit down, he settled a warm hand on Leoâs back, pressed his forehead briefly to Leoâs temple. Logan did the same, but his palm rested for a moment on his chest, his temple against Leoâs shoulder.
God. You two.
âJust like you two to kiss instead of clean.â
That got fragile smiles from both of them.
âHad to,â Finn said thickly. Logan guided Finn right onto one of the stools before picking up a second with one hand and bringing it right beside him. Hip to hip like that, Leo could hardly look at them. And it was all he wanted to do.
âThat cut of yours first,â Leo said to Finn. âTilt your head up for me.â
Finn let Leo lean in to look at the cut heâd made behind his ear. It looked clean, healing well, but Leo found a first aid kit beneath the sink and ran an alcohol pad over it. Logan leaned close to look, too, prodding careful fingers beside Leoâs.
âDoes it hurt?â he asked Finn.
Finn shook his head. âNot at all. Leo did it.â
âIt looks good.â Leo dipped the rag into the warm water and took it to Finnâs cheek, wiping carefully until a strip of his pale skin appeared beneath the smeared blood. Finnâs dark eyes watched him the whole time, then looked over at Logan, as if making sure he was still there. When Leo re-heated the cloth and pressed it near Finnâs tear-puffy eyes, Finn closed them and leaned into the touch.
âIs it really everything?â Leo asked once Finnâs cheeks were clean.
âOuais,â Logan said. âItâs everything.â
âSo, you remember the beach then. You remember going down to the beach.â
âI remember going down to the boat,â Logan said. âI rememberâŚâ His eyes fell down and Leo didnât know if he knew he raised his arm to rub at his shoulder. The bullet scar there.
âWho patched you up?â Leo nodded to where Logan was touching.
âThe men who pulled me out of the water,â Logan said. âWhy?â
Why. Leo looked over his face. Just the look in his eye was enough to make him seemâŚback. Returned. No wonder eyes were thought to be the windows to the soul.
âJust checking,â Leo said faintly. âJust to make sure you feel okay.â Without thinking, he reached to touch the place where Loganâs tracker had been, feeling for the scar. A thousand worries of what had been used to get the bullet out, had it been sterile, had they missed a piece, was Logan lying about being fine, wasâŚHe was tempted to make Logan take his sweater off, to let him take a look. But he couldnât do that now. Not whenâNot when the veil Leo kept between them was so, so thin. He wanted to grab Loganâs shoulders and press his lips to his forehead and just stay there, as close as he could get to all the returned memories within.
Maybe it was silly, him wiping the blood from their cheeks and necks. Maybe it was all an elaborate excuse to touch them. But they let him. Finnâs eyes stayed on him the whole time, and when he moved to LoganâLogan just looked at him. Logan really just looked right at him, his Logan. Their Logan?
âNow you,â Logan said.
âMe?â Leo asked. But Logan had pressed them pretty close. Maybe he had some blood on him, too.
Maybe he wanted to keep it that way.
But Logan took the cloth out of Leoâs hands. He turned on the sink to get the water hot again and wiped at the edges of Leoâs jaw.
âWas there really this much?â Logan asked vaguely. âGod.â
âDo you feel okay?â Finn asked.
âYes,â Logan said. âPromise.â
Finn and Leo looked at each other. An odd look. Leo realized that neither of them fully trusted him on that.
âYou might have someâŚâ Leo stuttered as Loganâs palm steadied his face as he wiped at a stubborn spot on Leoâs cheek. âSome work to do before we believe you again.â
âJe sais,â Logan said. âI see that.â
Finished, Logan set the cloth aside on the edge of the sink and wrapped an arm around Finnâquiet, quiet Finnâand kissed his shoulder. âĂa va? Coeur?â
Finn just seemed dazed, looking over Loganâs face. He nodded, though. Logan swiped a gentle thumb across his bottom lip. Leo had seen that gesture a thousand times.
âIâmâyeah.â But his voice was thick. Finn wrapped his arm around Loganâs waist and pulled until he could rest his chin on top of his head. It took Leo no time at all to realize heâd done it because his eyes had filled with tears all over again, out of Loganâs sightline. Finn sent a shaky smile to Leo before turning his nose down into Loganâs hair, but the tears broke through quickly and he cupped the back of Loganâs neck as his breathing shuddered. Trying so hard not to cry. Leo had watched that a hundred times. Theyâd watched each other.
Leo couldnât help it. He put a hand on Finnâs arm, rubbing softly. âYouâre all right. Itâs okay, heâs right here. Heâs got you.â
âGuess youâknow when Iâm about to lose it by now, huh, Le?â He let out a watery laugh, blinking tears down his cheeks, and Logan drew back to look at him, then at Leo.
He had no idea. Logan had no idea what theyâd been through, and Leo really didnât know if he ever would.
âCome here,â Finn said. Leo was sure he was talking to Logan until Finnâs fingers caught his and he tugged. âLeo.â
Leo wanted to. He wanted to. He could. He could step right into them and wrap them up and actually hold them as tightly as he wanted. He could.
He could. Step right in. Their arms already around each other. Two people he probably knew the best in this odd, uncertain life of his. When heâd first met them, heâd loved justâŚwatching the way they loved each other. And working with Logan, it was different than working with Sirius or James. Logan cracked these dry, completely dead-pan, hilarious jokes, then he would smile when Leo laughed. Logan made sure there were small pockets of comfort even in the worst situations. On their bellies on a rooftop somewhere, their fingers freezing and their necks cramping from keeping watch. And Logan would had Leo a wrapped caramel. Leo would have been up all night trying to get through firewalls and security systems, and there Logan would be at the break of dawn, pressing a warm coffee into Leoâs hands and one hand on his shoulder, thumb pressing just right to loosen the knot that always appeared when Leo sat too long.
And Finn. Theyâd walked into that pub, Sirius and James trailing behind, and Logan had looked around for only a minute before pointing. There he is. Finn had been bent over the table with a glass of what Leo thought might be whiskey beside him, using a red pen on a stack of papers.
Heâs a professor, right?
English, ouais. Literature. Classic Logan smile. Books, he loves books. You two will love each other.
Leo closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again, Finnâs fingers had tightened around his. Memory after memory. Leo would die if he lost them. He would. It didnât matter how painful they were to look at. They were all he was allowed.
If he stepped into that warmth Finn was offeringâŚand then if he had to step awayâŚ
He might never be warm again.
So he squeezed Finnâs hands and let them drop. âYouâoh, the cake.â
Heâd covered it with foil, but he lifted it now. Stole back the knife heâd rinsed in the sink and got a plate down from the shelf. He eyed the long box of kitchen matches as he cut a fresh slice and snagged the box as he turned back towards them. They were looking at each other. One of their silent conversations.
Leo held the plate before Logan, who unwound himself from Finn and took it.
âYou didnât get to eat your cake.â Leo plucked a fork from the drying rack and put it in Loganâs hand. Leo liked the way their fingers brushed. Liked the way Logan looked when Leo shook a match out and struck it to life between the three of them. Golden. Even after so many tears, his reddened eyes only turned the green brighter.
âHappy birthday, Lo,â Leo said softly. He looked to Finn. âI guess you already got your wish.â
âI did,â Logan said. âBut IâŚâ Logan was staring right at the flame, slowly inching its way towards Leoâs fingers. Then, his gaze lifted to Leo. He smiled slightly, a tired, beautiful thing.
âAfter everything Iâve been through?â He steadied Leoâs wrist with warm fingers. âI think I should be allowed one more.â
Leo felt Finnâs hand cup his hip as Logan leaned forward and blew the match out.
Their time in the safe house played on a loop, and if Finn was grateful for anything, it was the fact that it threaded small strands of light into the bad dreams that woke him up a couple times in a night, like his body needed him to check that Logan was still there sleeping beside him.
Finn had thought Leo would come to them, too. Heâd tried to make the invitation clear enough when theyâd said goodnight in the hall last night, but Leo had turned for his own room with a brief smile.
Finn found him now, in the darkening windows and warm light of the kitchen, surrounded by sugar, eggs, flour, and cinnamon.
âI like that Pascalâs staff gives up their kitchen for you. That smile of yours gets you anything you want, doesnât it?â
Leo smiled a little, turning at the sound of Finnâs voice. âNot anything, no. Itâs the only thing that feels normal. Cooking. Well.â He gestured to the sugar. âBaking, in this case.â
âSo,â Finn said, lifting himself up to sit on a clear section of the counter. âYouâve been thinking about tomorrow, too.â
Leo looked up from separating egg yolks from their whites. âIâve been thinking about tomorrow for the last week.â
âIâd been dreading it,â Finn said. âUntil, you know, you found Remus, and I thought Lo was still⌠The thought of this time of year without him⌠Especially tomorrow.â
Lolo, Noelle, his sister, would say every time she talked to Logan on his birthday. Our little early Christmas gift.
âAnd then Christmas,â Leo said, whisking the egg whites. âCan you believe itâs then almost Christmas? Weâll be hiding for Christmas. What a gift.â
âYeahâŚâ Finn watched the way Leoâs hands lookedâwell, massive around the bowl he was using. âBut weâre together, so I donât mind so much.â
Leo bit the inside of his cheek against his smile, and Finn wanted to touch the dimple it formed.
âYou two look good, you know,â Leo said. âI think heâs doing better. He remembered something about one of our missions to me yesterday.â
âYeah?â
âYeah.â
Finn leaned back on his hands, palms against the cold marble. âTell me?â
Leo laughed. âHmâŚWell. I guess no secrets we were keeping from you matter anymore.â
So, Finn watched as Leo moved effortlessly around the kitchen, and talked.
The story was set in Paris, which meant it also included a very happy Logan.
âHe knocked on my door at, likeâŚâ Leo laughed as he broke a sheet of dark chocolate into a bowl. âGod, it was probably after midnight. We were done, the job had turned out well. We were given time, and I⌠You know. The second things are over, heâs on a plane home to you usually. Like, we get the green light and his bags are packed and heâs gone.â Leo brushed his hands off. âSo, I really wasnât expecting him.â
âYou werenât going home?â Finn asked.
âI figured Iâd stay a little. See some sights.â Leo shrugged one shoulder as he carried the bowl to the stove, placing it over a pot of boiling water.
âAlone?â
Leo walked back over to Finn and the sink, turning the water on to wash the whisk from the egg. âI donât mind being alone.â
Yes, you do, Finn thought. You do mind.
âBut anyway, Iââ Leo laughed and went back to the stove. âI heard the knock, and it was Loganâs knock, we each have one for each other, and I thoughtâŚâ He turned his body so he could stir while looking at Finn, blue eyes wide. âI thought, oh fuck, someone is impersonating Logan because thereâs no way heâs still here, and Iâm about to get killed.â
âOh my God, Le,â Finn said.
âSo, I get my gun, and Iâm, like, inching towards the door, when I hear him. He goes, itâs really me, I promise. Put your gun down, Le.â
Finn laughed, leaning forward. âOh no.â
âI know, he knows me so well. So, turns out he wants to take me out, didnât know I hadnât left. Heâs going on about this jazz barâknows thatââ
âJazz reminds you of home,â Finn said.
Leo looked twice at him. He was wearing an apron, Finn suddenly realized. It tied around his waist and had faint grey and white pinstripes on it. His hand stirring the chocolate slowed. âIâright. Thatâs right.â
Finn just smiled, nodding for him to continue.
âI mean, thatâs it, I guess. We got a little dressed up, and we had to go down these amazing stone steps to get to the place. They gave us this tiny table andâŚâ
Leo and Logan at a small table. Leoâs long legs. Finn could just imagine their tangled feet.
âAnd we hadâŚwine,â Leo said softly. âAnd the music was the kind of music that just makes you lose time and Lo was just soâŚâ
Finn had the sudden and overpowering urge to go to him. Push off this counter and feel the narrowness of Leoâs hips beneath his hands. To have to tilt his head back again just like he had had to on the train when Leoâ
âHimself,â Leo finally whispered.
Finn felt flushed, overheated by something warm and fragile in his chest, when he said, âAnd you didnât kiss him?â
Leoâs smile faltered. âI⌠Oh God, Finn, no. Of course not, no, that was only the one time Iââ
Finn but hands up in surrender. âI meant that I would have. If I were you.â
Leo stared at him, mouth half open. Then, he realized heâd stopped stirring and cursed, turning fully towards the stove. In a light tone he said, âWell, youâre not me, youâre you. Youâre the only person he wants to kiss.â
Finn let him work. He didnât push. He worried heâd burst the moment. The warmth of a memory where memories were so cold just then.
âHe remembered all of that?â he finally asked when Leo had filled the kitchen with the scent of a cooling chocolate cake set on the stove.
âHe remembered me opening the door with my gun in my hand and telling him not to fucking scare me like that. And the music.â Leo cleared his throat, not quite looking at Finn. He turned suddenly, yanking a drawer open. He turned back with a small, gold lighter in his hand. âI couldnât find candles anywhere. This will have to do. Got it off of Saint.â
He tossed it through the air and gave Finn a glancing smile when he caught it.
âCome with me,â Finn said once Leo had put a slice of the cake, iced in gentle swirls, on a plate and handed it to Finn. The windows were dark. The city was still awake. Finn had never felt more so, Leo standing beside him, taller than he was, golden hair, born storyteller, holding himself back for reasons Finn wished could be folded closed.
Leo looked like he wanted to, glancing towards the doorway, only then he shook his head. âThis needs to be you two.â
Finn frowned. âYou made it for him, Le.â
âI know,â Leo said, and put a hand on Finnâs chest. âI know. But I justâŚI think he needs it to be you right now. Just trust me.â
As if Finn could argue about something like that. Even if something felt wrong, suddenly, about just two.
Leo showed him his watch, tapping its face. âEleven-forty two,â he said. âBetter hurry.â
Finn found Logan sitting on the strange little landing that existed between the third and fourth floors. It was nothing more than one of those so-soft-they-sunk sofas, a small wood burning stove, and a massive window that, right then, was filled with snow falling down over the Christmas market below. It did the starsâ work for them. Finn almost felt like he could capture the light and bring some straight home to Leo and Logan.
Logan leaned into him when Finn sat down beside him.
âPretty,â Finn said.
âMm,â Logan nodded. âLook.â Logan directed Finnâs gaze with fingers on his chin until Finn was looking right at a hot chocolate stand. Itâs vender had tongs that delivered massive marshmallows to cups of steaming, thick chocolate.
âWow. Iâd get you some if I could.â
Logan smiled. âLibrary.â
âDo youâŚI mean, I know I told you, but do you remember that night?â
Loganâs lips pulled to the side, pursed in a way that, before, Finn had always kissed. Before.
âI rememberâŚit got dark. Someone turned off the lights.â
âCensors,â Finn said. âIf you donât move for long enough, it thinks no one is there.â
It was, looking back, a little like the world had gone and they two had stayed.
âMaybe we did disappear,â Logan said softly.
God, Finn thought. His green eyed-mind reader. Still in this world, sitting next to him.
Logan looked at Finnâs mouth. âMaybe weâre still there. Kissing. And this is justâŚâ Finn knew, because it had happened so many times, the second Logan looked at the freckle that crossed the pink boarder of his upper lip.
âI love you,â Finn said.
When Loganâs eyes widened, Finn smiled. âYou donât have to say anything, I just need you to know.â Finn raised his shoulders up to his ears and laughed as he let them drop. âEven if it never comes back entirely, even if itâs never quite the way it was. I just do.â Finn tapped his hands on his knees and rose. âStay right there.â
âWhereâ?â Logan began, but Finn was already back with the plate heâd set on the bookshelf behind them. Logan tilted his head when Finn set it in front them on the low coffee table, then held a lighter between them.
âWhat?â Logan smiled slow. âI donât get it.â
âLeoâs chocolate masterpiece,â Finn said, then, after a gathering breath. âTodayâs your birthday.â
Finn knew thatâd bring Logan a little bit of pain, chocolate cake or not. His brow drew together and he looked at Finn like more answers would lay with him. More reasons, rather, why this was so slow, and so hard. Why it had happened at all.
âReally?â he asked faintly.
Finn couldnât help it. He nodded and reached out a hand to pass quick fingers through the curls that turned upwards over Loganâs ear. âYeah.â
Loganâs lips parted and he sank into himself, just a little.
âItâs okay,â Finn said gently. âYouâre okay.â
âHow do we usually celebrate?â Logan asked after a moment.
âYour sisters come into town.â
âSistersâŚâ
âYeah. I told you about them, remember?â
âAnd they think Iâm dead.â
Finn swallowed. âBelieve me, it hurts me every day not telling them.â
Logan just stared out at the market. Even in the warmth of the house, Loganâs lips were chapped and bitten. He did that when he worried. Finn wanted to smooth something over them. Chapstick, his thumb. His own mouth. Finn ran his thumb over the lighterâs striker twice. The third try, a flame bloomed. Loganâs eyes in firelight⌠His heart was straining, trying to get its hands on Logan, like it still didnât know Finn couldnât fix anything with just a touch.
Midnight.
âYou should make a wish,â Finn whispered. He poised his finger by the lighterâs cap, ready to flick it down as if Logan had blown a candle out.
Logan looked at the flame for a long time. Their breath, close as the were, made the fire waver back and forth. When he turned his gaze to Finn it was scribbled over with that determination Finn had only glimpsed. It only stayed there in the moment between Finn seeing Logan get home, and Logan seeing him. Left over from his work, melted by Finn. By home. But there it was. Softer, maybe, but determined.
If Logan felt the heat of the flame on the underside of his chin when he leaned slowly towards Finn, he didnât say. He showed no sign. Finn couldnât move to put it out. He couldnât breathe as Logan got so close, he felt his breath on his cheek. He held perfectly still as these past months crashed through him. The nights, the days, and the times that had felt like neither. Like nothing. No sleep, no hunger, no light or dark. Just a veil of nothing that only Leo had been able to touch him through. A funeral. Loganâs parents. Loganâs sisters. Alex pressed close against him, trying to get him to touch food, to drink something. Walking in on Finn on his knees in their bedroom, Loganâs side of the bed, falling down beside him. Trying to hold him together. The way Finnâs throat felt after crying like that, the way heâd been sure heâd never breathe properly again.
Finn was sure this lighterâs burn would feel like nothing against all of that. Logan, leaning over it, slow and careful, was going to burn him, too. Like sealing a bad wound into healing properly, finally.
Loganâs mouth brushed over his hardly at all at first. Finn heard the lighter go out, clicking shut with the lack of force from his thumb. His hands shook. They lost their strength. Logan pulled back, just enough to see him. Finn heard a sound come out with the breath heâd been holding, and Loganâs face turned longing, and then he was pushing forward again. This kiss was hard. Capturing. The lighter tumbled from Finnâs hand, thumped onto the carpet at their feet.
Cold, storm, ocean, drowning, heâs drowning, what if heâs always drowningâIt all turned to fire. Loganâs. Finn burned with it as Loganâs hand cupped his cheek. He steadied himself with a hand on Loganâs thigh, almost afraid to touch.
And if this was a dream? If they were in the library, so young, and it was only that all the lights had forgotten them and drew darknessâ
No. Finn tasted sugar, like Logan had eaten a caramel. Burnt and warm and lingering.
And then came the blood. Heâd maybe expected it. Welcomed the now familiar result of Logan remembering something. Tasted it. He didnât care. It got into his mouth and he opened himself to it, kissing Logan slowly, feeling his tongue along the blood on their lips.
He didnât know how quickly what happened next occurred. Loganâs palm pressed to the front of his shirt, clenched there, and he sucked in a harsh breath and gaspedâ
âRouge,â Logan said.
Finnâs sound broke in his throat. He knew. God, that word in Loganâs voice. Heâd remembered that word, heâd remembered exactly how he used to say it. And maybe that was enough. If that was all Finn ever got, it was enough because he never thought heâd get any of it. Only an empty coffin and a gravestone far too small for the essays he could have carved there.
Only, Logan was now breaking the kiss, uncaring of the blood that got on his hands, smeared across Finnâs cheeks as he took Finnâs face between his palms. His green eyes were bright, nearly wild.
âRouge. Rouge.â
Finn opened his mouth to speak, to tell him yes, thatâs right. Only, then Logan began to cry. They were sudden tears, hitching his breathing even as he spoke, lips pressing to Finnâs forehead, then his cheek. It took Finn a moment to sort out the words he was saying, half incomprehensibly in French.
âje te connais. JeâFinn. Finn.â He carded rough fingers through Finnâs hair and sobbed, tears streaking through the blood on his face. âItâs me. Itâs me, itâs me, Finn, I promiseââ Logan wrapped his arms around him and pressed their cheeks together. He was shaking. Finn was shaking, maybe? Finn could only stare through the brown curls of Loganâs hair that pressed against his face.
Itâs me. âItâs me?â Finn whispered. He wasnât even sure he said the words out loud until Logan pulled back to look at him.
âI know,â Logan said. âI remember. FinnâI remember. I remember.â
He kept saying it, kept nodding, kept stroking his thumb over Finnâs cheeks, his neck, his temples, until Finn felt his expression get pulled taut by tears.
âRouge, everything.â Loganâs kissed the corner of his mouth. It was half sob but his lips were warm. âEverything.â
It wasnât pretty, and it wasnât quiet. Finn fell against him and Logan wrapped him up. Finn shook. He clung so tightly to Logan that Logan pulled him half into his lap and curled his body over him. Finn couldnât keep himself quiet. He cried into Loganâs neck like heâd give up his voice. Logan kept his mouth pressed to Finnâs ear, whisperingâwho knew. Finn didnât know. It was Loganâs voice, though. Old Loganâs. Before Loganâs. His Loganâs. He kept one hand cupped protectively around the back of Finnâs neck. Finn thought of the cold gun heâd held there once and was sure Logan was thinking of it, too.
âI canât doââ Finn managed to say before the tears cut him off. All those torn out pages, burned in the fire of Loganâs death. Finn shut his eyes. âIââ
It wasnât working. He couldnât speak. He kissed the now damp skin of Loganâs neck instead, right where his tracker scar was, and the bullet scar, and put his fingers in Loganâs hair.
When Logan felt it, he turned his head until their mouths met. There was no room for joy yet. But still Finn felt like something slipped back into place. This was kissing Logan. This was both of them knowing exactly what to do and when. This was his boy.
When they pulled back and looked at each other, the old ground theyâd walkedâit all slid back into place among the new, more unfamiliar terrain they had learned.
âI canât do this without you,â Finn said.
âI know, I knowâŚâ Logan hushed. âI know, coeur, Iâm soâŚIâm so sorry, Iâm so sorry, stay here, stay right here.â
âI canât.â
âShh, stay right here with me.â
But Finn was shaking his head, voice shot. âYou donât know. You donât know.â
Finn was a desert, and empty of ache when they finally untangled enough to sit up. Not empty of it, maybe, but when Logan looked at him, and he looked at Logan, and they both laughed a little, exhausted, and touched the blood on each otherâs cheeksâŚit eased. Just a little.
âOhâŚâ Loganâs eyes darted over Finnâs face. âGod, my bloodâŚâ
âYou, too.â Finn reached out and tried to wipe some drying red from Loganâs cheek, but it only smeared further. His laugh was tearful, then it dissolved into real tears and the hand on his cheek turned into him pulling Logan against his chest. âOh, babyâŚâ
He tucked his nose against Loganâs neck again and felt Loganâs arms lock around his back.
Couldnât untangle for long. Where did Finn begin? How did this end?
Even footsteps in the hall, the sound of someone cursing in the doorway, wasnât enough to get Finn to pull himself away from Loganâs hold.
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The microphone whined a bit as James flicked it on, but nothing so ear-piercing as to gather the attention of the whole party. Lily was looking at him from her seat, though, Harry settled on her lap. Maybe he hadnât said as much, but she knew heâd been nervous. He knew she knew. Caught him practicing in the mirror. When the hell had he ever practiced anything in the mirror? Her green eyesâfine, people made a big deal out of Loganâs, but look at that girl right there. All summer green. All his. They were soft, and her encouraging nod was, too.
âIâd argue you know him the best in this world,â Sheâd whispered to him last night while they were in bed. Harry had finally fallen asleep, but only if he was resting on his back between them.
âPascal,â heâd countered.
âOkay, but Sirius is more like a son with Dumo. Iâd argue you get more sides of him. All the sides.â Sheâd reached across Harry and tucked her cold fingers into the neck of his t-shirt. âAnd I donât think that Sirius Black of ours was told âI love youâ too much.â
Heâd rolled onto his side to face her. âI hate that.â
âRight. So donât worry about beingâlike, sappy or anything, J. Heâll be making up for lost time for a while.â
James had nodded. Looked down at the tiny slope of Harryâs nose.
âAnd if thereâs anyone heâll always want to hear that from?â Lilyâs hand had pushed through his hair. âItâs you.â
It wasnât that he didnât know what to say. He had more than enough words for twenty people. Heâd been told that before. ButâHow to write a speech that stayed light and happy when so much of Siriusâ lightness had its back pressed up against his dark? Also, how to say it without, well, losing it completely. Not that he was above crying. But it got hard to talk through tears. Everyone knew that.
Among the tables, heâd caught Remusâ attention now, but Sirius was still turned around in his chair, talking to Logan, who had half his face covered up, laughing. There was another thing that sort of made James want to just sob. Logan, laughing like that.
He looked at Lily one more time. Easier, for a second, to just talk to her.
âAh, hey?â His voice carried over the warm night. âHi. Hello? Everyone.â
Lily raised one of Harryâs little hands and waved. Jamesâ heart went all tight, and for a moment he was driving as fast as he dared, trying to get to her in time to watch that little hand make it into the world.
âHope everyoneâs having a good rehearsal dinner. I know I am. And I think we all gotta thank the Lupins for all the work they put in. This happy couple of ours deserves nothing less.â
Leo put two fingers in his mouth and whistled a cheering note, which started off a round of applause. From the way Logan looked at him and grabbed his hand when he was finished, he hadnât known the rookie could do that. Not that Leo was the rookieâold habits. James watched Logan kiss his fingers, then he watchedâ
Sirius turned around, eyes on James. He turned to Remus, who put a hand on his thigh, out of sight, but James knew itâd have to be a comforting squeeze. James did know him. He knew how he felt about spotlights. Theyâd been bright to the point of burning his entire life. God, James needed this one to be soft for him. Easy to look into.
âSo, weâre doing speeches now,â James said. âThought Iâd kick things off. Apparently itâs now rather than later so that everyone can relax tomorrow. Makes sure you got quotes around relax, because itâs oh so stressful to boast about your best friends.â Light laughs scattered around as James shook his head and clicked his tongue into the mic. âClassic Cap.â
Sirius was sitting forward in his chair. Sort of looked like he was going to jump out of it except for Remusâ hand on him.
âAnyway. Since Iâm the unofficial best manâŚâ More laughs as he narrowed his eyes at Regulus, sitting beside Leo and Harperâpretty girl, Harper. Knew nothing about hockey, fucking hilarious watching her talk to everyone. SoâŚyou play for thirty seconds at a time? How does that work? Regulus narrowed his eyes right back. James sometimes thought heâd be even harder to crack than his brother had been.
âI thought Iâd tell you about when I firstâin my calculationâgot Sirius Black to realize âoh, hey, waitâŚââ He grinned. ââWeâre friends.ââ
Remus turned in his seat towards Sirius with raised eyebrows.
âOh, so Lupin doesnât know about the basketball game?â
Sirius laughed, and James could hear the sound even if it didnât quite reach him now above all the others, and shook his head.
âOh-ho, well, here we go. Now, we werenât perfect. Not love at first sight or, you knowâŚâ He waved a hand in the direction of the Cubsâ table. âWhatever those three have got going on.â
Finn got a very proud look on his face.
âI guess I mean I wasnât perfect.â He found Sirius again. âAnd I still feel pretty bad about it.â
Even from here, James could see Sirius shaking his head again. Not wanting James to feel bad. Not wanting anyone to feel bad. Even at his own expense.
âI wonât go through the whole thing. Thatâd take a while, and I know how many people are dying to get up here. So, Iâll just say this. I kept trying to take him to a basketball game. Just a basketball game. You know, jerseys, sneakers, ball caps. Very casual. Good way to get to know a guyâyou get dinner, you have a drink, you sit next to each other for a few hours.â
Siriusâ shoulders were shaking with laughter, his hands covering his face. James spread his hand to the crowd.
âCan anyone guess what the Captain showed up in?â
Kasey cupped both hands around his mouth and shouted. âSuit.â
James snapped his fingers and pointed to him. âCorrect.â
Sirius was looking out through his fingers nowâprobably a little curious. Because Sirius knew the real version of this story, the version James would leave just between the two of them. It was more than just about switching out a suit for a jersey. And the story definitely didnât start at a basketball game. It started in the equipment room and ended up, as so much did, at the Dumaisâ house.
â˘
the beginning
James didnât know everything, but he knew Sirius Black. Knew of him, anyway. Couple years younger. The prodigy. The looming draft pick, the figure whose shadow every other promising guy walked in. Rare, that sort of thing. Caused a lot of jealousy. Lot of resentment.
James preferred to think of it as luck. How many guys got to say they played with one of the greats? And even fewer got to be there from the beginning.
James wasnât a great one. He wasnât the star. Heâd done fine in the draft, but heâd learned quickly not to try to be a sort of player he wasnât. Center goal scorer didnât suit him and everyone knew it. He was a right-hand-man. Heâd been told that by coaches before, and he knew it himself. Againâhuge opportunity for resentment. And itâd be real easy to feel, too.
But right-hand-man to Sirius Black?
Hell yeah.
âHey.â
James watched Sirius jump a little as he let go of the circular saw, its whirling dying out and leaving behind a freshly cut stick.
Never seen anyone play like Black before.
Never seen anyone so damn specific about his sticks, either. The taping, the retaping, the wax, the cutting it all off to start over again because something just wasnât rightâit was almost painful to watch. It was like he thought a mistake was going to sneak up on him and rip him apart.
Sirius kind of looked at him like that, too, as James pushed himself up to sit on the equipment room counter. Quiet kid. Weird, because his play was so damn loud.
âIâve been looking for you,â James said.
âOh,â Sirius said. âSorry. Iâm sorry, I didnât know.â
James had been about to chirp him a little, see if heâd crack a smile if James offered to cut some sticks for himâSirius let no one touch anythingâbut that pulled him up short.
âWhat?â
Sirius just blinked at him. âSorry you had to look.â
âIâŚâ James turned to face him more, feet absently kicking the trashcan filled with sawed off tops of sticks and balled up tape. âOhâno, nothing to be sorry about, man.â
Sirius held onto the two sticks heâd cut. They were exactly the same height, at least to Jamesâ eyes, though Sirius would probably find a difference between the two.
Siriusâ next quiet sorry had James picking up a hardened mess of excess glue from the table, just to stay busy. Studied the kid. Gray eyes. Real sad, is what Lily had said. Theyâd had lunch once with Pascal and Celeste and the kids. Sirius had been polite and stiff, and LilyâGod he loved Lilyâhad talked to him even when it had seemed that Sirius had run out of English.
âNo, no,â James said, but that didnât seem to help. Sirius took a step back, eyes firmly on the sticks. âI meantâŚâ God, he was doing something wrong. Sirius lookedâkind of scared, actually.
âIâm not saying because I couldnât find you, I sort ofââ James half-smiled. âI more meant, âIâve been looking for youâ as in, likeâŚâ How did he explain this? âLike, âhey, itâs nice to see you.â So?â
That caught Siriusâ attention, and James gave a wincing smile.
âOh. Um. You too.â Sirius chose the stick on the left, set it aside, and put the other one back over the machine to shave off a bit more. He was real good at ducking beneath that salt-stained Lions cap of his. Realizing eyes peeked back out at James, though. âWait, do you need the machine?â
âNope. Just hanging out.â He nodded towards the sticks. âYou like that one better because you go lefty on the face-off sometimes, right?â
âIâouais.â James wasnât sure Sirius knew he was smiling until it dropped from his face like itâd burned him. âYeah, thatâs why.â
âKnew it.â James leaned back on his hands. âHey, question.â
Sirius looked away. âOkay.â
And Jamesâdidnât know whatâd just happened. Any trace of that smile was gone, just like that. Even more, right as James went to speak, Sirius pulled the saw down again. It whirled, filling the room as it shaved off the last centimeter into dust.
James stopped kicking the trashcan. He took his glasses off and rubbed one of the lenses on his t-shirt. He tried again. âDo you want to go to the basketball game tonight?â
âI canât,â Sirius said flatly. âDinner.â
Jamesâ eyebrows went up. âDumo can come, too. I mean, of course.â
âMy parents are in town.â
âShit,â James said. âOrion Black is here? Cool.â
âSorry.â Sirius picked up his fresh sticks and brushed past James with those hard shoulders of his. Ducking beneath his hat like that, James didnât even get a last look at his face. âMaybe another time.â
~
The Dumaisâ house had always been filled with something James couldnât quite put his finger on. It was fine-edged. Freshly sharped skate blade. Effortless and warm. It waited for him like a happy dog as he walked through the door. It was in the very air, warm like the kitchen was with Celesteâs double-cheek kisses and something simmering on the stove. It followed James to the top of the basement stairs, where he stood with Pascal.
âGo say hello, if you donât mind,â Pascal said, then put a hand on Jamesâ shoulder. He leaned in, dropped his voice a little, and the worry in his eyes had made no sense. âAnd make sure he comes back upstairs with you.â
James raised his eyebrows. âMake sure?â
âMake sure.â
Everyone knew those looks. Pascal was a rock on the team all of the time, a good laugh, too, but anyone who knew anything understood the more serious layers. And here was one, face to face with James.
âYou got one of those looks of yours on, Dumo.â
Pascal glanced down the stairs. âHave you met Orion?â
James shook his head. âNo. Why?â He looked down the stairs, too, and smiled. âOh my God, is he down there? Fuck, what do I say? Fucking legend.â
âJames, noââ
âPapa.â
James looked down in time to see Adele plaster herself against her fatherâs leg.
âDown there, yes.â Pascal bent to scoop Adele up in his arms. He pressed a kiss to her cheek. âLegend, no.â
âWellâthenâŚâ They didnât see their parents much. Not with everything, not with the travel, the games, the early mornings. Short holidays, long hours. Team became family so quickly it was almost hard to spot the difference between blood and locker room.
Sirius was a exception, but James suspected that being an exception, an oddity, wasnât new to him. Heâd also guess it was less like something that never got old, and more like an old ache that had long since stopped easing.
âBut heâs with his dad, then?â James said. âShouldnât we leave them be? I mean, I miss my dad all the time, I love it when heâs in town. The dadâs tripââ
But Pascal shook his head. That look at turned sad at its corners, frayed at its edges. As James watched, he ran a gentle hand over Adeleâs hair, and she rested her head against his broad shoulder.
âJames, go get him,â Pascal said softly. âPlease, ouais? I think it should be you. Say itâs almost time for dinner.â
There were a lot of different kinds of cold. Fresh snow cold, which felt good when you had to slip out of your jacket once you got hot from shoveling the driveway. Early morning, car not warmed up yet cold, scraping ice off the windows. Kitchen cold, letting Lily hand him a hot coffee in his travel mug before he had to leave for practice.
This was a cold James had never once felt in his life. He hadnât known it was even there. He pushed his glasses up his nose and looked at Pascal for another second. He felt it, too.
âYeah⌠Yeah, okay. Lils?â He turned to the kitchen where Celeste was pouring Lily a glass of red wine. âBe right back.â
âOkay, honey, I will be right here with my wine in this beautiful glass.â
James smiled slightly and went down the stairs to the sound of her and Celesteâs laughter. When he turned once to look up, Pascal had walked away.
I think it should be you. No idea what that meant.
There werenât many signs of Sirius downstairs. The bed was neatly made. No posters, no art. Speakers had been set up but the cord to plug a phone in was still bound by wire like it had come straight out of the box and never been touched. Checked out, Sirius never played music in the locker room.
James didnât get much farther than that before he heard angry voices. Or, rather, one angry voice. It was coming from just around the corner, and James stopped short of being visible. There was a mirror on the wall, though, and two figures sat facing away from him on a couch with a laptop in front of them. In the mirror, a hockey game played on the small screen, muted, in front of Sirius and his father. Orion fucking Black. He had his sonâs dark hair and a scarred, broken looking nose. When the two looked at each other, James could only just see their expressions. He couldnât pick up any of the French, but the faraway look on Siriusâ face was clear enough, and clearer still was the finger Orion Black had pointed at the screen.
Sirius nodded. âOui.â
More harsh flurries from his father, followed by the mining of one play or another.
Sirius nodded again, but stayed silent. He ducked down and James lost sight of him.
James had a little experience with difficult families. Not his own. Lily always called him lucky for it, and, given all the time James had spent with her sister and his brother in law, James had to agree. But annoying and rude was one thing.
Siriusâ fatherâs hand coming up and sharply hitting Siriusâ cheek?
Something else entirely.
âEh?â Orion hissed, then more words James couldnât understandâhe didnât need to. Heâd seen enough.
Sirius had hardly even flinched.
Make sure he comes back upstairs with you.
James clapped his hands together and rounded the corner. âOh, nice, weâre watching game tape. Fantastic.â
Sirius turned hard, grey eyes wide. âJames?â
âWhatâs up, man?â James smiled and he scooted past Sirius on the couch, their knees bumping. âDo you mind if I justâŚâ He ignored Orion's surprised expression as he made to sit between them. âSorry, Mr. Black. Pleasure to meet you, but Iâm blind as a bat when it comes to tape review. Gotta have the best seat in the house, ask any of the guys.â He pushed his glasses up. âWhat are we watching? Hufflepuff. Oh, hell yeah that was a game.â
James got no reply, so he leaned forward to hit the space bar himself, and the video unfroze.
He saw the exact moment when he, Sirius, and Pascal skated out for the first power play unit.
âOh, sir,â James looked to Orionâwhatever version of starstruck heâd expected to be had simmered out to nothing. It had barely even had time to arrive. âWatch this, this was a great play.â
âJames,â Sirius said. âIâSorry, did weâŚâ
âNo apologies,â James said, eyes on the screen. âYou have nothing to be sorry.â
Sirius went to speak, but trailed off. James could feel it, the freezing bite of how at a loss he was. James, sitting between him and his father. Red mark still on his cheek, fading slowly.
âAm I remembering right?â James tapped a gentle hand to Siriusâ knee. âIs this the play where youâoh yeah. There it is.â
On the screen Siriusâ number twelve went full speed, sending a black and yellow number fifteen spinning the wrong direction on his knees. In the next seconds, Sirius had landed the puck in the back of the net.
Beside him, Sirius shifted. The sweater he was wearing looked scratchy. Itâd made his skin red at his neck.
James looked at Orion Black again. âDonât you remember watching that game winner?â
OrionâSiriusâ grey eyes, sure, but if Siriusâ were cool and timid most of the time, his fatherâs were hard. Calculating. Didnât like James one bit. He gave a short nod. âYes. I do remember. If youâll excuse usââ
âAh.â James snapped his fingers. âSo good. But heyââ He leaned forward and shut the laptop with a soft click. âAfter hours. Come on, itâs going to start snowing soon.â He looked to Sirius. âWant to toss the football around? That was always my favorite part about Thanksgiving.â
Sirius just stared at him. He did a lot of that. Quiet in the locker room. Quiet at team dinners, quiet sitting beside him on the bus. It was easy to hide in the vast net of his skill. Easy to let that be all people saw.
Quiet here, too. So, so quiet. Maybe those red marks never felt like they faded at all.
James found, among the red mark, a thin white scar on the high of his cheek.
Maybe hockey hid more for him than anyone knew.
James was looking for his next try, another route for Sirius to take if he felt like he couldnât take the football oneâsomething about Pascal, something about Lily wanting to see him, anythingâ
When Sirius smiled. It was a small thing, but James had neverâheâd never seen anything like it. Like itâd had to work hard to get there. Like it was out of breath, but finally reached the surface after a long time underground. It wasnât that fleeting thing from the equipment room while theyâd been talking about hockey. This was different. James felt Orion leaning forward to see what exactly had happened in the quiet, but James leaned forward, too, then back again. Blocking like he would follow a forward on the ice.
âI never have,â Sirius said. The smile stayed and stayed. âOuais. I want to.â
now
They didnât plan to find each other near the beach. James just wanted a moment after dinner had ended. Heâd be back, linger over the desert and wine like everyone else, but for now, after all those speechesâThomas, Kasey, Pascal, Regulus. Logan, God Loganâs had gotten him. Logan, quiet ember, looking around the locker room, his stall that still felt emptyâgetting in front of a crowd? Lily had grabbed his hand when Logan got up, surprised.
So, James needed a second. Just to look out at the water and breathe through the memories.
The trouble with team as family, as blood and brothers, was that it was a family that, by definition, changed and lost itself constantly.
So. He needed a second.
But when James walked down the grassy, uneven path to the beach, there was Siriusâ silhouette, turning to see who had come from his place on the dock.
âOh fuck,â James said. âGreat minds thinkinâ.â
Siriusâ laugh hit him right in the chest.
They reached each other halfway down, James stepping over the waves lapping at the dockâs rock step.
Sirius watched him nearly lose his balance with a smile, then faced out towards the lake again. The sun was long set, and the only light came from the the house and party. They looked good on the water. Good on Sirius, tooâeven if they showed a silvery sort of track down one cheek.
âThe shirtâs good, man.â James wouldnât mention those tears if Sirius didnât. âNever thought Iâd see you wearing something with buttons that shiny.â
Barely shiny. Linen, white shirt, undone at his throat. White buttons with a pearled sheen on them.
âFuck off,â Sirius said, knocking their shoulders together.
âYou were always all greys and blacks and maybe the occasionalâwhatâs it called? Army. Navy, navy.â
Sirius let out a breath. âYeah. Yeah. You having a good time?â
âPerfect time,â James said, nodding. âA perfect time.â
âGood.â Sirius rubbed at his cheek, wiping the silver away. He sniffed. âPerfect. Me too.â
Second nature, standing shoulder to shoulder with Sirius. Still felt different, though, being in the very spot where heâd be married tomorrow. Cheers went up about something from above, and they both laughed lightly but kept their eyes on the water.
âI donât think that was me,â Sirius said after a moment of only waves. When James looked over at him he shrugged. âTheâŚblack. Grey.â He wet his lips. âI donât know if this will make sense, but⌠Itâs hard for me to tell apart sometimes. What was me, and what was them. What is me?â When his voice dropped to a whisper, gave way to a tremor, James pressed closer. âWhat still is them?â
He knew better than to put a hand on Siriusâ shoulders now, but he still had to stop himself. He settled for staying close.
âYou got a whole life to figure that out.â James glanced back towards the party. âAnd a good life-long second opinion to do it with. Who loves the fucking hell out of you, Jesus, talk about tangled up.â
âI am so allowed to be tangled upâcan I remind you of your weddingââ
âYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,â James laughed. âOkay, okay, no one said you arenât.â
Sirius smiled. He made a pleased sound and bent down, returning with a small, plastic, bright red shovel of Harryâs in his hand, still with sand crusted over it. He brushed it off, and rubbed a thumb over the curve of the scoop like a worry stone.
âYour speechâŚâ he said softly.
âMine?â James said and suddenly his face felt hot. Shy. No, he wasnât afraid to be sappy, but standing here together, after everythingâcool beginnings, the Cup, knocking all night on a door that he thought might never open againâŚ
James flashed him a smile. âLoganâs fucking killed me.â
Sirius put an arm around his shoulders as they walked to the very end of the dock. âI have to find him later.â
âYeah, if you can untangle him.â
James stayed very still, adjusting to the weight of Siriusâ arm around her shoulders. Then, slowly, he settled his arm on Siriusâ shoulder, too. No flinch. Better than any silver Cup victory, actually.
âI forgot,â Sirius said quietly, eyes ahead. âAbout the football part. ButâŚI think about it all the time. Me, brushing you off in the equipment room. And then youâyou sitting between me and my⌠JamesâŚâ
âI hardly scratched the surface,â James said, âof how stupid I was. Of how much youâmean. To me.â
Sirius turned to face him. âYou werenât stupid. I wasâI said nothing. I thought you just wanted to be close to me becauseâmy dad. Becauseââ
âBecause ever point I had that season was off of your goals.â
That made Sirius laugh, really laugh, head back. âNon, nonââ
âYeah. Uh-huh.â
âBecause thatâs how it always went,â Sirius said. âWith other guys. Weâre friends for a second, and then Iâm the robot again. The next, like, great one, andâGod, you sitting between my dad and IâŚâ
âI saw him.â
James didnât know where the words came from. Heâd never had the courage, didnât want to see Siriusâ face if he ever found out heâd seen. That he knew. That quick slap to Siriusâ cheek, and the harsh, biting French.
âFuck. I saw what he did.â James closed one eye in a wince. âOh my God, this isnât what you want to talk about the night before your weddingââ
But Sirius shook his head. âNo, IâŚItâs fine. Itâs good.â Half a smile. âYou made the story not about him. Not anymore. Not only about him, anyway. You made it aboutâus and I like to think of it that way better. And anyway, you were right.â
âAbout what?â
If James could take every memory out of Siriusâ head and make it better, he would.
âIt is, I think, when I started to believe you.â Sirius smiled, easier this time, and reached one hand out to push Jamesâ glasses into place. âThat weâreâŚbestâWhat does Adele say?â
James snorted. âBesties.â
âRight.â
âIâm your fucking bestie?â
Sirius smiled and turned back to the water. âRight.â
Yeah. There came the tears.
âYou were still a dick for the rest of the year,â James said.
âOh, donât I know it.â
Suddenly, there was an arm around both of their shoulders.
âThe suit at the basketball game,â Pascal said. âI remember it very well.â
âJesus,â James said. âI didnât even hear you coming.â
âI am stealth,â Pascal said. âSneaky.â
âTipsy?â James offered.
Sirius laughed. âYeah, Dumo, we all know how sneaky you are.â
âHey, yeah.â James poked Pascal in the ribs. âYou know what, man, now that Iâm thinking about itâyou are such a meddlesome likeâold woman nosyâŚperson.â
âYouâre just figuring that out?â Sirius asked. âHeâs how we got together!â
James pointed between himself and Sirius. âUs?â Then, his eyes widened. âOh my God. You told me to go downstairsââ
âRemus and him, he means,â Pascal said, raising his eyebrows. âAnd non, Iâm not the reason.â Pascal put his chin up. âIs wood the reason for fire?â
Sirius snorted. âUm. Yes?â
âNon. Matches are. I put the wood into the fireplace. I couldnât strike the match for you.â
âOh my fucking God,â Sirius laughed, and took Pascalâs chin in his hand to look at him. âYouâre drunk.â
Pascal grinned and and ducked to kiss one of Siriusâ cheeks, then the other. âI am happy. Besidesâyou told me to enjoy the wine I brought for you.â
âOh yeah?â
âOuais, I remember. You said so. At your bachelor party. Before we joined Remus and the others, around Coleâs fireââ
âOoh,â James said. âDare you to say âColeâs fireâ to Loganâs face.â
â˘
âNon, thatâs not how youânon.â
Sirius had to lean on James, they were laughing so hard. Logan had been stomping around this fire pit, arguing with Cole, for the last fifteen minutes.
âI swear to God, this is how,â Cole said. âLogan, Iâve been making fires my whole life.â
âSo have I.â Logan bent down to readjust the logs. âAnd Iâve been alive longer.â He looked up at Sirius. âNewspaper, Cap, more newspaper.â
Sirius didnât move. âIf Remus was hereâŚâ
âOh yeah, buddy,â James said. âRemus makes a mean fire. Roaring.â
âLupin is wrong, too,â Logan said. âIf the boys were here, they would tell youâI can build a fire. The best fire.â
âI think Finnâd actually say you are the fire,â Alex said.
âHeâd know.â
Alex winced. âThank you, thatâs enough.â
Logan smiled and looked at Sirius. âHow hard are we going tonight?â
Sirius rolled his eyes. âHow hard have you ever seen me go?â
âNot very.â
âTo each their own,â Kasey said. He sat slouched in a chair with a New York Mets hat backwards on his head. Alexâs hair was flattened slightly, like something had been stolen off his head. âHey, you know we have to hop about, right?â
Alexâs laugh was delighted as he pushed his bangs off his forehead, waving smoke out of his face from Loganâs lit match. âHop about?â
âIâm just sayingâsooner or later, these parties shouldâŚyou know.â
Alex brought his palms together and Kasey nodded.
âI mean, why not?â
Sirius shrugged. âT thought we should do our own things.â
âYeah,â Alex said. âFun things. Like watch Logan growl at a fire.â
âI wouldnât growl if no one argued.â Logan struck another long match and held it beneath the nest of kindling and wood. Almost instantly, the flames jumped happily towards the sky. Logan turned to Alex with raised eyebrows.
âHey now.â Alex put his hands up. âI hope weâre all having exactly this argument in ten years on some family vacation.â
Sirius smiled at the way Loganâs shoulders relaxed at that and he sat back in his fold-out chair.
James nudged his shoulder. âHey, but we can do whatever you want. Love T, but if you want to be with Re tonight, thatâs cool.â
Sirius patted him on the back and pulled up a chair for himself, happy to have the warmth of the flames against his face. âI do. But letâs sit with this until it dies down.â He looked at Logan. âAfter all that hard work.â
Logan rolled his eyes and took out his phone.
Cole sat beside Sirius on a log set around the fire pit. âI still think the wood I found is the reasonââ
âItâs not,â Logan said without looking up from his phone.
âFine,â Alex said, sitting forward. âLetâs count how many sâmores Logan eats. Finn bet ten, I betââ Alex broke off and double-took at Logan, at the phone he was texting on, and rolled his eyes when Logan yanked it out of his sightline. âYou canât go two hours without texting him?â
âFinn is texting me,â Logan said. âAnd Iâmâhappy about it. Heâs a little drunk, who am I to stop him from writing nice things?â
Alex rubbed at his jaw, but he was smiling. âGod, heâs obsessed with you.â
Logan just smiled while he typed.
âTremz,â Kasey said, but the scolding tone didnât quite make it through. âLook alive, buddy. Bachelor party, hello.â
âHey.â Sirius shook his head, laughing. âNon, I love this.â
Loganâsmiling at his phone, texts from Finn, the promise of seeing them later in the nightâŚ
It wasnât that long ago that it had all been out of reach. Absolutely all of it.
âYeahââ Alex pointed at Kasey. âIsnât he with Leo to be entertained?â
âWhy do you point at me when you say Leo?â
Alex thought for a minute, then, âGoalies?â
Kasey scoffed, but grabbed the side of Alexâs chair and pulled it close.
âThatâs my hat,â Alex said, tugging at the bill before easing a palm around the back of Kaseyâs neck. It drew Kasey right in, armed with one of those handsome, reluctant smiles of his. Alex tilted his head back for a somewhat sideways kiss.
âThis is insane,â Sirius heard himself say before really realizing he said it.
âKwah?â Alex asked, still close to Kasey, and Logan threw a piece of chocolate at him. It bounced off his knee and into the center of the flames to melt. They sent each other impressed looks.
âIâŚâ Sirius looked at James. His soft look told Sirius he knew he hadnât really meant to say that out loud. âI meanâŚI never thought Iâd be getting married. Forget about having people like me to celebrate with.â
âOh fuck, Cap,â James sighed, smiling. His hazel eyes looked bright behind his glasses, reflecting the light of the fire.
âOh, so weâre all going to cry before weâre drunk,â Kasey said. âGot it.â
âApparently itâs okay to cry,â Alex said.
Kasey smiled. âShut up.â
Fondest shut up Sirius had ever heard. âThat just proved my point.â
âThatâs what weâre here for.â
Sirius laughed. âDâaccord, give me one of those marshmallow things.â
âOh, do not tell me Remus hasnât given you sâmores,â Logan said.
âHeâs had them,â Pascalâs voice came. Sirius turned to see him and Regulus walking down from the house with a cooler held between them. âThe kids wonât go more than a week in the summer without them.â
âSo good,â Logan mumbled. âPerfect food.â
âYeah, you would think that,â Regulus said as they lowered the cooler and Pascal laughed, nodding.
Sirius looked between the two of them. Theyâd been up at the house for a while. Not too long, but longer than it took to pile beers into a cooler.
If there was one thing he didnât like about this wedding processâand really there was only one thingâit was being unsure when he should expect the swell of tightness in his chest. Regulus, here. Pascal, here. Seeing them togetherâŚSirius spent longer than he needed to settling marshmallows onto a stick.
The flames gave a loud pop, sending sparks up into the night. It was an unlikely campfire he looked around. Alex OâHara for one. He was Kaseyâs, sure, but Sirius had a feeling heâd saved Logan from himself in the beginning of New York.
Cole looked at least sixty percent less shy and on-edge than he had at the beginning of the season. Sirius wasnât even sure what had made him invite him, only that he was with Pascalâs family and worries that Sirius knew all too well still wrote themselves all over his face most days, even after games they won. Kasey was always going to be a given, and Logan and James.
Sirius picked up his phone and snapped a quick photo of everyone around the fire. Sent it off to Remus with a heart.
A second later, he got a reply. Remus, obviously taken by someone else, posing with a hand on what looked like a hockey helmet resting crooked on his head like a hat of some kind.
Sirius pressed his fingers to his mouth over his smile and clicked his phone closed.
James sniffed a laugh, and Sirius looked over to see that heâd been watching over his shoulder.
âOh, Loops,â James said. âFull of surprises.â
âFor you, especially.â Sirius smiled as he held up his 12 necklace. âAre you going to talk about the girlfriend that gave me this in your rehearsal dinner speech?â
James groaned, reaching to accept a beer from Pascal. âI just might, Jesus Christ.â He pulled up the tab, and raised his eyebrows. âDonât you worry, Captain, Iâve got my stories.â He raised the can to his lips. âMight bawl like a fucking baby half way through, but youâll know I tried.â
There it was. That tightness in his chest, all over again. He had to look at Remus wearing the helmet like a cowboy hat just to get it to release again.
âYou donât have to say anything, you know,â Sirius said. âHope just mentioned speeches andâlike, I thought Iâd askââ
âSirius,â Logan called over. No beer in his hand, just four marshmallows on different points of the same stick. âOf course weâre fucking saying something.â
The whole circle looked at him.
âYouâreâŚâ Pascal began. âYouâre going to say something? Lo?â
Logan got one of those young looks in his eyes. The kind that came out with Noelle around. Family around. Pascal was as good as a father. He looked shy, and proud, too.
âMaybe.â Logan prodded at one of the more golden marshmallows. It came away tacky against his fingers. âOuais.â
Sirius loved the look Pascal got on his face. His hair was shorter now, with the season over. Beard neatly trimmed. He just looked proud.He put fingers to his mouth over his smile and looked down at the fire.
âI donât want anyone to have to worry about it,â Sirius said.
âIf Remus was here,â Kasey said, âheâd kick your ass for saying that.â
âVrai,â Logan said. âTrue.â
âRemus is very close by,â Sirius said, then, thinking, âWearing a helmet.â
Alex snorted. âWhat?â
âOuais, ouais, regarde.â Sirius pulled out his phone. âLook.â
Logan laughed hard at the photo, then took out his phone and started texting who Sirius presumed to be Finn or Leo again.
Sirius didnât blame him. The same thought went through his own head.
Where are you where are you where are you?
Andâwhen can I be there?
Maybe it was just that he hadnât had to feel the pull for a while. When was the last time theyâd been more than a room apart?
Dangerous thinking, for a hockey player.
He looked at Loganâs smile as he laughed at something Alex said. Alex held out his beer to him and Logan took a sip. Made a face. Gave it back.
âOh boo-hoo,â Kasey called. âTastes better out of a Stanley Cup?â
Loganâs smile went sharp. âOuais, it does.â Jerk of his chin. âYouâd know.â
Sirius smiled as Loganâs eyes fell to his. âNice save,â he said in French.
Logan just sat back in his chair with his marshmallows. He had a packet of graham crackers in his lap and ripped the plastic wrapping with his teeth to get at them. Looked at Alex. âWho has the chocolate, you?â
âYeah, Tremz, I stole all the chocolate. Right after you threw itââ
âLĂ ,â Logan frowned.
Alex laughed and pointed. âRight there, Tremz.â
âDid Kuny and Jackson go with Remus?â Sirius asked.
âOuais because they wanted to doââ Logan began to say, then pressed lips lips together. âOuais.â
Kasey raised his eyebrows. âThey wanted to do what?â
âIâm not supposed to say.â
âLoose lips sink ships,â Alex said and Logan threw a cracker at him.
âLo.â
âI am keeping the secret, Finn told me, he looseâsinks theâwait, what did you just say?â
âOld saying,â Regulus said. He had a Lions sweatshirt on, and Sirius couldnât help but laugh when Logan did a double take, realizing it was one of Leoâs.
âIâheyâŚâ Logan plucked at the number 1 on the sleeve.
âLiterally get away from me if this makes you jealous.â Regulus grinned when Logan rolled his eyes.
âTheyâre just at a bar,â Sirius said, leaning forward in his chair. âArenât they?â
âMm, wellâŚâ Cole shrugged and took a flaming marshmallow out of the fire. He blew it out. âDo you really want us to tell you?â
âDisgusting,â James said, looking at his blackened sugar. âWhat the hell?â
âIâŚâ Sirius sat back. âNon. Wellânon, non. Letâs relax.â
Pascal laughed. âAh, itâs taken years to hear those words from your mouth. The way youâre hands are gripping your chair right now? So relaxed.â
âI have information.â Logan wagged his phone at Sirius and, in a sing-song tone, âI know what theyâre up to, if you want itâŚâ
âJesus,â Alex said. âFinn just possessed you. Stop.â
But Sirius was half-listening now. He had his eyes on Loganâs phone. Remus had left the house in dark jeans and a black, slightly open button-down that made his eyes and skin lookâ