‘HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE’
(so i couldn’t stop myself, here’s more greasybrakes, this is pt.2 to ‘put on the red light’ but i’m 90% sure you could read this just as a standalone and if you thought that was sad? this is soul crushingly awful so i hope you are hungry but there is a happy ending because i couldn’t leave it the way it was as im sure you would’ve all killed me…also im so sorry for the crappy accents im british i dont know how southern accents work💔)
TW: implied smut but it’s literally right at the end so it’s easily skippable and it’s just sounds nothing is described!
Sure, she was quite forgiving and loyal to the point it was her Achille’s heel, but she was not dumb.
Instead she was sharp, under that gleaming smile, she had an eye for everything her man wasn’t saying and lately that hasn’t been a whole lot.
He still did the big gestures, giving her roses spontaneously, kissing her cheek every goodbye and sliding a hand around her waist when others were watching. But something was missing. Every time his eyes would scan the yard, desperately searching for something.
Dinah was tired of pretending not to notice it.
So she kept focusing on Greaseball, analysing every single falter in their interactions up until the early hours. That’s when she spotted it. It started small, CB was stood at the edge of the track having a laugh with Joule about Rusty falling over, and Greaseball just couldn’t keep his eyes off them. He would keep falling silent or ‘uhming’ and ‘ahhing’ while talking to Dinah as his eyes desperately drifted over to the duo, which set off alarm bells in her head. Greaseball was always sure of what he was going to say, so why was he acting like this?
At first, Dinah thought that it was Joule making him act up, but as she kept watching she realised his eyes only landed on him. CB.
It got more obvious as time went on, Greaseball would tense if CB laughed a little too hard with Electra or if he patted Dustin on the shoulder. The worst offence was when she caught him watching CB skate away, his eyes followed each sway of the Caboose’s hips and he even had the gall to lick his lips.
One night she got brave enough just to throw a couple questions out there, see if he would be honest with her or at least have an explanation. They were both laid in bed, this time Dinah was not saddled by his side or resting upon his chest, instead she laid on her side of the bed.
“Did you see him today?” She asked softly, trying to be as casual as possible when confronting your partner about their wandering eyes. “CB, I mean.”
Greaseball flinched just slightly, “Why?”
Dinah hummed. “Just wonderin’. He’s always round these parts, thought maybe you’d talked.”
“Nah,” Greaseball said gruffly just a tad too quick. “Ain’t seen him.”
“Huh, that’s funny.” Was all she said after, just a tiny little dig.
Greaseball soon shifted turning his body to the side so he wasn’t facing her and Dinah guessed that was that. The awful bloom of nausea and loneliness started to build up in her gut as she turned to the side herself. The bed started to shake as she cried in her pillow, pining for Greaseball to turn around and hold her or console her. Anything would’ve been enough. But he did nothing.
That was the breaking point and what finally convinced her to corner him. She waited until he got home from a long day, Greaseball was always more vulnerable when tired, too tired to put up a fight she supposed.
“Greaseball?” She said softly but deadly, as he slumped on the settee. “Who is it?” She finished off once she got his attention.
He blinked at her, startled he replied quickly. “What?”
That ticked her off, “Don’t lie to me!”
His jaw clenched, “Dinah, what’re you on about?”
“You and your restless groin and wanderin’ eyes!” She screamed, voice cracking from the sheer volume of her frustration. Tears already started to form, she’s always been too emotional for her own good.
“I’m here aren’t I?” He retorted, standing up now, showing off his full height.
Maybe if it was a different argument she would’ve shrunk under his display, not now though. Not when she was so close to finding out the truth. “Physically maybe, but your minds clearly off somewhere else! Just tell me who it is!”
“Drop it.” Greaseball said shakily, running a hand through his previously gelled hair which was now tousled looking more akin to a curly mop.
“No!” She snapped. “No, I won’t. I’ve stood by you, i’ve raced with you, even when you treated me like dirt. I deserve the truth!”
He turned away, pacing like a trapped animal and Dinah? Pressed the knife in even further.
The air went stagnant, Greaseball stopped moving. He didn’t turn, didn’t speak, didn’t even breathe. The silence was louder than any answer he could’ve given.
“Oh Starlight,” she whimpered covering her mouth. “It is.”
Greaseballs knuckles cracked as he gripped the edge of the sofa. “It ain’t like that,” he growled, low and strained. “You don’t understand-”
“Then make me!” Dinah yelled, fully sobbing at this point. “Tell me how long you been lookin’ at him like that! Tell me when I stopped bein’ enough…”
“It’s not you!” Greaseball shouted back, whirling to face her. “It’s me, alright!? I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t want it!”
He was crumbling, right in front of her eyes. All that bravado, the swagger. Gone.
“Do you have any idea what it’s like?” He rasped, voice cracked open and raw like Dinah personally tore out the truth. “Wantin’ someone you ain’t supposed to? Knowin’ that if the yard found out you were lookin’ at them like that they would all laugh at you?”
“Because he’s a freight?” Dinah questioned naively.
“Because he’s a he!” Greaseball screamed, not at Dinah, but as a reminder to himself of why it was so wrong.
Dinah’s lips parted to try and comfort him but he kept going, words tumbling as if she opened pandora’s box.
“I tried. I tried so hard to be what you wanted. What the yard wanted. All muscle and pride, but every time I see him… I feel like i’m burning from the inside out.” He slumped back on the settee now, head cradled in the hands. “I didn’t want to do this to you, but I can’t stop starin’ or dreamin’. I hate myself for it.”
For once, Dinah didn’t have any quick wit left to respond, so she sat beside him instead. “Do you hate yourself because you’re with me and you want him? or is it because well, he’s a guy?”
“Both,” it was snappy and quick. Quite possibly the quickest and bluntest response she has had this whole conversation.
“But do you love him?” She asked softly. Greaseball swallowed, smearing his hands all over his face.
“I think so, the most likely answer is yes.”
Dinah’s eyes squeezed tight to try and will the tears away. “That’s the worst part,” she choked out. “You should’ve said somethin’ sooner.”
“I couldn’t,” he muttered, broken. “Not here. Not with everythin’ and everyone.”
When Dinah opened her eyes she saw him, I mean truly saw him for who he was.
Sure he was technically a cheating, no-good, asshole but… through all her anger, heartbreak and frustration, she saw the little boy in him. The one who was scared. Scared of what society would do if he dared be truthful. Who didn’t have the words or courage to say who he was.
“Have you always felt this way? Y’know, a friend of Dorothy’s?”
“I don’t know. I do love you Dinah, just not in the way you want it.”
“You gotta figure out who you do love Greaseball, ‘cause I don’t think CB will wait around for you much longer.” Was the last thing Dinah said before leaving the shed.
Greaseball was alone now, sat in the dark and haunted by that damn Caboose’s smile.
The next day, after very little sleep, Greaseball managed to hype himself up enough to go see CB. Dinah’s departure gave Greaseball that boost of courage he needed. He stopped wandering the yard like a zombie as if he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with himself.
He raised his fist and knocked a couple times, sweating with each tap of his knuckles. Soon, the door slipped open and there he was. In all his glory, there stood CB. He was half lit from the light spilling out the inside of his shed, and he looked as gorgeous as Greaseball dreamed.
However, he looked at Greaseball like he was a stranger.
“You lost?” He asked flatly, his signature smirk now absent from his face.
Greaseball nodded desperately, “Please.”
There was a long pause as CB’s eyes narrowed, lingering on Greaseball’s face. Then without a word, he stepped back inside the shed, leaving just enough room as an invitation for Greaseball to come in.
Inside was exactly as Greaseball remembered; cluttered, messy but cozy in a way only CB could pull off. Maps and notes haphazardly hanging off the walls, coffee mugs stacked on eachother like the leaning Tower of Pisa and a cracked photo of all the freight from back in the day.
CB didn’t offer a drink or a seat, he just leaned against the wall. “Well?”
“I broke up with Dinah,” Greaseball blurted out.
CB raised a brow, “That meant to impress me?”
“No,” Greaseball said downtrodden. “Just the truth.”
“Try the whole truth, which I know is hard for you,” CB snapped back coldly. “Or better yet, explain why the hell you’ve come here after months of looking at me like i’m the nastiest piece of shit you’ve ever laid your eyes on.”
Greaseball winced at that, “I know, I was wrong for leaving you in the dust like that after the championship’s, I just… I didn’t know what to do, I went back to what I always knew was safe.”
CB sighed chewing his fingernails, “So what changed?”
“I couldn’t lie to her anymore,” he said. “Or to myself.”
That second admission seemed to have caught CB’s attention as he listened much more intently as Greaseball continued, “I was scared. Of what it meant, of what I was. I thought if I buried it, it’d go away. That if I stayed loud enough, fast enough, man enough… I could outrace it.”
“And now?” CB asked after a long pause.
CB’s jaw tightened and for the first time that night, he looked away from Greaseball.
“Well,” he said strained. “Good for you.”
CB sniffled, obviously agitated now. “What do you want Greaseball?” Shit, he just got full named, that wasn’t a good sign. “You want me to pat you on the back for finally growing some balls? You think i’m just like Dinah and the moment you apologise i’m gonna come running to your aid?”
“I don’t expect that,” Greaseball said hurriedly. “I don’t expect anything.”
“Then why the hell are you here?”
CB stared at him, cold, unreadable except for his wavering bottom lip.
“I think about you all the time,” Greaseball whispered, not in fear but in vulnerability. “I hate how I treated you, that I made you feel like you didn’t matter to me or you were my dirty secret. I let everyone else dictate how I was supposed to feel.”
“I just… I just wanna to make things right,” Greaseball finished softly.
And for the first time in years, Greaseball let himself show it. The longing. The ache. The guilt. It bled from him, but he didn’t cover the wounds, not anymore.
CB’s arms were crossed, but his expression had softened, just a little. The fire in his eyes had dimmed not from forgiveness but by something slower, sadder.
“…You hurt me,” CB said quite now. “You made me feel like I was a damn joke, like I was dirty for even thinking there could be something between us.”
“I know,” Greaseball whispered. “I’ll carry that, forever if I have to. But if there’s any part of ya’ that still wants me around, even just as a friend, i’ll take it.”
“I don’t know if I can trust you again.”
CB chewed his lip before speaking, “You still like coke floats?”
Greaseball blinked, “…Yeah?”
CB huffed but actually smirked for the first time during this encounter, before grabbing Greaseball by the collar. “Come on then, you always knew how to make ‘em the best.”
It wasn’t easy at first. CB didn’t smile like he use too, he didn’t flirt, he didn’t even let Greaseball sit near him without some kind of sarcastic jab. But he did let him stay, that was everything.
Greaseball stopped trying to prove things to the yard, stopped flexing when there was no need, or pretending that he was the pinnacle of masculinity.
“No offence,” CB said dryly skating up behind him. “But you suck at trying not to show off.”
Greaseball huffed but he couldn’t help but laugh, “Didn’t realise you were watchin’?”
“You’re kinda hard not to watch.”
“Oh?” Greaseball questioned playfully, now locking eyes with CB, who actually looked happy to see him.
“I’m not the same guy I was,” Greaseball said softly.
CB nodded, “Good, neither am I.”
Finally, CB reached his hand out and Greaseball met it with his own hand halfway.
Since then something had been building for weeks.
Greaseball and CB weren’t a secret anymore, not exactly; but they weren’t broadcasting it either. They worked together, talked together, sat together during breaks like it was no big deal.
No kissing. No touching. But the tension?
It was undeniable and very, very hard to ignore if you were in the vicinity of the duo. Whispers were being shared all throughout the yard, even Pearl started talking, not unkindly just curious.
“You think they’re y’know?” She whispered to the other coaches one lunch break, to which Dinah replied.
“They got things to work out. Let ‘em”
But as quietly supportive most trains were, the yard didn’t change overnight. There were still whispers and side eyes, from more traditional Engines. Especially when Greaseball started being seen with CB more openly and turned down other Coaches advances in favour of the Caboose.
And one day, on a long haul it all boiled over. Greaseball was helping the Freight (as Rusty called in sick) offload in another yard and without thinking he and CB were a little too close to be passed off as friends in the whole ordeal; which is most likely why the Engine spoke in the first place.
“Didn’t expect a Diesel like you to be piping a Caboose, guess looks don’t matter to fairies.”
The laughter that erupted was sharp and uncomfortable, what made it even worse was someone else joined in. “He probably found him in a bog anyways,” which led to another wave of jeers.
Greaseball’s heart ached as he saw CB under all the facade shrink a little, joining the back of the freight. He couldn’t let that slide. He stormed right up to the Engine and yanked him up so they were face to face, “You think you’re funny?”
“Hey now, it’s just a bit of banter-”
“What is? Laughing at someone for who they love? You better be ready to get laughed right back at for bein’ a miserable, lonely sack of scrap whose idea of humour died a long time ago.”
The ride home was silent that day.
Once they arrived back at their yard, the Freights (except CB) quickly dispersed.
“Hey,” CB said. “You didn’t have to do that today.”
Greaseball shrugged, “Yeah I did.”
“I’m not usually that quiet, I know how to stand up for myself”
“Yeah.” CB stepped closer, “You scared me, when you grabbed him like that.”
Greaseball winced, he knew he had to get his anger under control. “Sorry, I just couldn’t stand him talking about us like that-”
CB interrupted him with a kiss, slow and full of yearning. When they parted Greaseball could tell CB wasn’t mad at him, “You didn’t scare me cause of what you did, I was scared because I realised I was falling in love with you all over again.”
“Does it feel like a mistake?”
There was no shame or guilt just warmth, just them.
Which is why it’s no surprise they got caught, in the most comprising situation of all.
Rusty and Pearl finally had the same day off, which was perfect because both of them definitely needed some alone time. Rusty had made a picnic for both of them, it was in a tucked away siding, a little away from behind the sheds. Pearl had even brought a little stereo so they could slow dance, which they were doing before they heard…
“Oh Greaseball, don’t stop!” A mewl that was unmistakably by CB rung out from the only window that was cracked ajar, on Greaseball’s shed.
Rusty froze mid spin, Pearl buffered, hand still in his. “What. What was that?”
“Been wantin’ to do this all week to you baby, just hold still for me-” Clangs and thuds soon escaped from the shed, mixed with groans and grunts.
Rusty’s face went red immediately, pulling Pearl close as if she could make the sounds stop. There was a louder bang before a gruff voice rang out, “Tell me who you belong too.”
“You! Geez it’s you! Just don’t stop!”
“I think they’re uhm…” Pearl whispered.
“Yeah, no doubt about that,” Rusty murmured.
“Mmm, you like when I do that?” CB asked, causing Rusty’s lunch to nearly come out his stomach.
“Don’t be so full of yourself,”
Right that’s it. “Pearl, we’ve gotta go now!” Rusty whispered, grabbing her hand and yanking them both away until they were far enough so they couldn’t hear anymore.
They were never going to unhear any of that were they?
