Clockwork

[clockworkrvrs]

I want to go out. I bought a new lip gloss 3 days ago, my dream shade. I ordered it online. I've been looking for that particular shade for a really long time. It's the perfect brown with a hint of berry and it really makes my eyes pop. I've been trying to go out ever since so I can wear it.

I woke up today with the intention of going out, for a walk maybe, anything really just see to see the sun. I can't seem to remember where I went out before. I enjoy sitting in cafes. But I don't have anyone to sit with in a cafe now. My husband is at home with me and he doesn't even drink coffee so I don't know what's the point.

My friendships have been thinning and thinning with the years that I pretty much only have my sister, my other sister, her boyfriend and my childhood best friend who's almost always busy. A couple of friends that drifted apart here and there. Everyone works a fulltime job. No one is ever free in the morning. Even that friend, I now usually see her once a month maybe just to catch up, we don't have a common group anymore so we're not in each other's daily life. No one really is in my daily life now.

I could go for a walk.. but that isn't really new-lip gloss-worthy. I could listen to music though, and look at the scarce greenery in my neighborhood, it rained yesterday so trees and buildings would look less grey. I like to pretend I'm hiking or on an adventure in an exciting place, take routes through narrow paths between the copied and pasted building in this brutalist grid. My phone is at 10% though, I leave it to charge and then forget I ever wanted to go for a walk, then the sun sets.

My favorite outings used to be concerts, but my current group doesn't like my music taste, and I don't like theirs, and it's not like there are any good events happening now, and now that I have my music out, going to gigs feels like a networking event more than just mindless fun, it's all about who's who. If you're one or two degrees separated from every musician in the country it feels awkward being a fan.

I could go to a bar, but I don't like drinking anymore, my body feels run over in the morning and I don't even get drunk anymore, plus there's all the calories to worry about. My favorite bar closed down anyway, bought by a school books company. Shame, I had so many memories there.

I need to go out. It's 9 pm and I've walked around the house from couch to bed to kitchen to bathroom 18 times. I've doom scrolled for an hour and fell asleep twice on the sofa while watching a show I've seen before. I texted that one group with a bunch of girls I know that I put together so we can play football or do fun activities a month ago, but we haven't been able to agree on a day yet, no one said anything.

I miss my mum, but I don't want to go home. I don't want to do pleasantries with my dad and I'm embarrassed of the scene I caused fighting with my husband last time I was there.

I need to get out. I'm fighting every urge to rely on a screen to make the time pass, I've been feeling like I wake up just to go back to sleep, I'm so lonely. I've never felt this lonely in my life. Am I depressed? I'm crying a little every few minutes quietly, it feels like I'm forcing it.

I could play a video game maybe, or watch a movie, but I'm gonna spent 3 hours carefully looking to select that one game or movie that will have the exact right pace to skillfully pluck me out of this numbness. I won't find it in the end. I'll get bored and watch regular TV, just because the idea of it showing one thing to everyone around the world right now makes me feel more grounded and connected to reality, and a little less lonely somehow. But there's nothing on, it still feels like a slower doom scroll through channels rather than reels.

It's 1 AM. I pick up my dinner plate from 4 hours ago that's still on the coffee table and put it in the fridge, fill up my water bottle and grab my laptop, my book, my phone and the TV remote and place them all neatly around me in bed, then I could do "eeny, meeny, miny, moe" on which will soothe me best right now.

...or maybe I should just sleep, and wake up earlier than 3 PM tomorrow and really go out this time.

Anyway, I'm wearing my new lip gloss to bed now while writing this post. It looks absolutely stunning. Maybe I'll just sleep in it, seems like the only option left.

[septemberkisses]

the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.

[clockworkrvrs]

10 years later.

I haven't been here in ages. I'm 28 now, last time I wrote anything here I was 15. But I've never felt closer to the person I was back then, or atleast I aspire to. I had such a vivid idea of life. I think she'd be happy with my life if she read about it in headlines. I became one of the bittersweet characters I was fascinated with in every novel. But I don't feel that wild flame of rebellion they exuded. I always feel my feet tied to and weighed down by rocks. I experience life in fleeting short bursts of lucidity. Something happened along these years. Some weird veil was placed around me. A heavy fog thickening the air, casting a blur effect on everything I feel and experience. Like being locked in a humid smoke filled room with a dozen people recycling their warm stale breath. Sometimes a window cracks open and a light breeze sneaks in and I'm pulled back to myself. It just doesn't feel real. That's why I plaster my face to the one window in my apartment every morning, so the warm sun can force me to see that it's a new day, that things can be bright and vivid, that life still happens... inspite of my comatose perception.