26

[clockworkwhiskey]

ok we’ve all officially lost our minds there i said it

[clockworkwhiskey]

When I was younger, I was always fascinated by rigid, tough women. I’d always assumed it was just their personalities; that they were born that way- until womanhood began to find me the same, hardening me with each circumstance in which love would look my way and walk right through me. Unfortunately, I’m starting to believe that, that’s what love is; loving deeply to the point of being broken down- becoming so calcified in the terrifying process of what love can and will do to you. Just to be discarded for not being “soft” enough. The saddest part is: I remember each time I was soft- just as I remember each callous I gained from holding on too tightly, strains in my knees from running after those who wouldn’t even face me, and stains on my teeth from vomiting at the thought that, yet another person has found it too difficult to stay. I don’t know if love really is patient or kind much anymore. Love makes you jaded in ways you try your best to claw out of- love also walks away from you when it realizes you can’t.

Fascination is strange in that way; to be deeply interested in people, places, and things we don’t fully understand. Until we do. I am no longer fascinated by the “tough” and “rigid.” I cry beside them.

I hope we all find someone willing and able to pierce through the callouses. And I pray to not feel this way forever.

[clockworkwhiskey]

life was really, really fucking sickening this year. i watched two of the most important people in my life die right in front of me and all i could do was sit and watch. aside from that alone, the things i’ve been forced to witness and experience this year have been beyond fuckin disgusting.

but the bitterness and anger are gone. i’m so grateful. everything hurts, but i still feel so lucky for the life i have and for all the love that’s left in and around me, even in the moments i can’t see or feel it. i’m so sad. i’m so effortlessly sad. but without the gratitude, i’d be nothing.

[clockworkwhiskey]

been trying to trust the process when the process has been nothing but the heaviest weight i’ve ever had to carry. i feel guilty referring to all the grief i’ve endured this year as a burden, knowing it’s only love evolving. sometimes life gets you so far down, there isn’t even anything to say about it. sometimes all you can do is cry. i’m trying to make peace with that, but it’s draining me faster than i can even recalibrate in time to do so.

it feels like all the things i’d loved about myself for so long are the exact things i fight every day not to hate now. i feel trapped in the fragile line between knowing it gets better and not caring enough to see it.

i wish i could say i never thought i’d be here again, but i’ve actually never been here before. i also wish it wasn’t so scary to be honest

i look forward to the day i find myself feeling grateful i stuck around.

[clockworkwhiskey]

selfishness in all forms has always stood in between me and everything i’ve ever wanted. i hope to truly find better for myself someday.

[clockworkwhiskey]

[clockworkwhiskey]

[clockworkwhiskey]

I feel so in my element around other artists and musicians. It feels so freeing, it makes me wanna cryyyy

[clockworkwhiskey]

what are the odds i see this after starting maktub wow

[clockworkwhiskey]

The phrase “I think, therefore I am” just NOW landed for me. Wow.

[clockworkwhiskey]

I’m still coming to terms with finding a love that shatters my world more than I deserve

[clockworkwhiskey]

25 was a shit show! 26 ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

[clockworkwhiskey]

bro

[clockworkwhiskey]

growing pains are no joke tho. i don’t think there’s any language on earth that could translate how consuming being amidst evolution truly feels like.

it’s like i’ve got stretch marks and bruises on my heart.

[clockworkwhiskey]

i have learned so much about myself, so much about love, and so much about the human experience this eclipse season. agonizingly beautiful

[clockworkwhiskey]

This the hardest thing ive ever been through yall omg im not even kidding

[clockworkwhiskey]

i’m sure i deserve better

[clockworkwhiskey]