The Flix Chix

I suffer watching bad movies, so you don't.

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Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue

DRUGS ARE BAD MMMK!

Now I remember a time when every kids hero in the late 80's and early 90's was telling them not to do drugs. I from time to time will watch these and laugh, they are corny for the most part, but because they really don't educate you about why pot is bad. They tell you that pot can ruin your life, you'll lose your family, you won't do good in school etc. But for me personally, pot isn't the worse drug on the planet, not by a long shot. Yet people fear it could lead to other drugs. Though I personally never had the need to do hardcore drugs because I've seen it in my life to know better, people have this fear that pot is the gateway drug. While some studies believe this isn't the case, others have seen this happen. Me, I'll just drink wine (the drink that can cause liver damage, totally legal!)

I know I'm suppose to be reviewing something here. I just wanted to make a point of how anti-pot messages were ingrained in us ever since we were a kid. Yet the message I feel as we have grown really isn't as well thought out or as clear as it could of been. There are a ton of drugs out there, yet we don't know what to do if we see a drug. We need a team of cartoons from my childhood and Alf in drawing form to teach children about the evil of pot! You know what for fun let's just throw former president George H.W Bush and first lady Barbara in the mix (because kids love old people talking about their favorite cartoon characters, trying to be hip). With that we have the classic fail of the anti drug message, Cartoon All Stars To The Rescue. I remember the first time hearing about this I seriously thought it was fake. I never heard of this before, all of my favorite cartoons from my childhood getting to together in one epic special. Damn this is every kids dream. Then you start the movie and oh boy it's not a special I wanted at all.

It starts with a message from the Bush's basically giving a spoiler as to what you're about to see (geez George way to ruin the show). You know it's a bad sign when an old man is telling you that you're favorite cartoons are about to give you a life lesson. The cartoon starts with the Smurfing Smurfs. I'm not going to lie I'm not a big Smurfs fan, so who cares about Papa Smurfs smurfing up coke . Papa Smurf notices a little girl's( Corey) piggy bank and alerts all the town. Then a picture frame of Alf (who the fuck has a picture of Alf framed is beyond me) comes to life and tells a lamp of Garfield to help or he'll eat him (Oh the eating oh domestic house pets such a child memory). Soon  Alvin and the Chipmunks,  Winnie The Pooh and Muppet Babies Kermit the Frog all wake up Corey to show her that her piggy bank is missing. She finds it in her brother Michael's room who is classic drug addict stereotype, stealing money from her little sister's piggy bank.  This is where I never thought I would hear my favorite cartoon characters say the words, Marijuana and Drugs. I don't want to live in a world where my cartoons have drugs in their universe (though I have a feeling most of the writers of these shows were on drugs when writing this special).

Michael has a sick kick in the form of a smoke (voiced by George C. Scott, which is the most shocking thing about this special) basically being the bad guy getting him to do all these drugs. His character is basically devil on your shoulder saying keep doing drugs, DO IT! Bug Bunny takes him back to the past to show him how he started, which is the basic story of kid asks Michael you want to get high, sure! This was a classic tactic used to how drugs addict start their addiction. Not from a doctor prescribing them pills that they shouldn't be, not seeing their parents do this when they were younger, or dealing with a problem and seeing how the affects made them feel better without truly solving anything. Though yes most people do start smoking pot because they see others do it and they want to be included but is not the only way that drug use starts, and it's sad how they never really address this.

They look into Michael's brain as if it were a fun roller coaster (because everyone hates roller coaster especially  kids) While you can make the argument that they make the ride scary, who hasn't left a ride that was scary saying wow that ride made me look at my life a different way. There isn't a clear message as to what drugs can do to your brain, as far as brain damage or nerve damage. It's just scary clouds and ghost looking figures. Yes dealing with drugs to deal with problems is not good, but you can't just say that by saying you go up like a fun roller coaster, without showing what it can do to your body.

Then the most annoying part of this special, they sing. They sing about saying no to drugs. Yes my favorite slogan just say NO! Instead of giving Michael advice on how to get off drugs like talk to an adult, go to a teacher or seek help from a professional, nope saying no is the magical way to stop drugs from coming. I've been to parties and offered things, I do say no and they don't harass you like they do in most shows or commercials. So I guess it is magically!

The rest of the special shows Micheal his future if he continues to do drugs. Though they aren't specific about what drugs  he would be on in the future, he looks like a zombie (which I'm sure is the disease from the Walking Dead, so there the disease turns him into a walker). This is my problem, drugs work different and the side effects are different. If you're going to generalize all drugs having the same effects, you're dumbing down your message. They just show him looks terrible, you don't see if he possibly becoming homeless, getting a disease from sharing needles, show him losing his family and friends leaving him alone, losing job after job from his addicting, showing him going to jail. There are so many ways to show the real horrors of drug abuse.

The end shows Micheal stopping his sister Corey from using his drugs and he goes to talk to his parents about what he's been doing. And instead of the show ending show a number (it was the early 90's so they didn't have a website yet) they show Executive  Producers Roy Disney! I'm not going to lie this upset me the most. Most shows that had a serious message, they would at the end of the episode show you a number you can call if you need help with that specific problem they dealt with in that episode. Full House did it when they addressed Child Abuse, Disney's Doug (even that shitty of a show) did it when they addressed Eating Disorders. This show which has a lot of children's favorite cartoon character talking about a serious issue and they end it with a stupid song and credits. They do show a number, but not until the end of the credits.

You can see why this show is flawed. I get it the message they were trying to give, but it fell into the so lame and not well researched. I wish they would of showed kids a more serious tone with this. Yes I know cartoons aren't the best way to show this, but you know what is, showing real life people dealing with this. It something you can't take lightly. I mean I see people smoke pot all around me, you think these messages got through to kids back then, hell no. But you know why I don't do drugs, because I try to educate myself on what drugs can really do to you. I watch shows like Invention, read articles on the pain killers effecting communities, hell I even read Facebook posts by people saying how another person that went to my high school died of a drug overdose. This is why messages like these fail, we don't show the reality of what drugs can do to a person. They just say drugs are bad, they ruin your life... ok yes but how? I see anti- cigarette ads that show what smoking does to your body and I see that and I say no way I want that. No matter how gruesome, how horrible, how sad drugs can be, we need to show this to kids.

I'm going to end this blog like this show should of ended by giving a couple of websites you can visit if you or someone you know has a problem. Don't be afraid to help a loved one.

https://www.drugabuse.gov/related-topics/treatment/what-to-do-if-you-have-problem-drugs-adults

http://drugabuse.com/library/how-to-help-a-drug-addict/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/addictions/drug-abuse-and-addiction.htm

https://addictiontosobriety.com/addiction-treatment-options/?utm_source=g&utm_campaign=g38&utm_medium=c&utm_content=01494A00001&gclid=Cj0KEQjwnPLKBRC-j7nt1b7OlZwBEiQAv8lMLNWKLlWnYVwas06czDv_jX1Xjq-DBAMaWN-Ju9PyZsEaAvuT8P8HAQ

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From Justin to Kelly... The Worst I’ve seen yet!

In my year of reviewing terrible movies, I have really thought I reached the bottom of the barrel of terrible. I thought Rubber would be the movie that made me rethink this whole I want to review terrible movies for a living dream on the backseat. Of course I didn’t quit, nor will I ever. But after seeing this movie, I’m going to need a box of wine to get over this one.

Now I must start off by saying, I love Kelly Clarkson. I think she is a true talent who really deserves all the praise she gets. I was happy when she won American Idol.  Justin Guarini, well at least he got those Dr. Pepper commercials going for me. They are good singers, actors they are not. I know this was a cash cow for American Idol. But really make a musical movie isn’t how to cash a cow (nor is it say for any cow). It was a box office bomb debating at #11 on it’s opening weekend (it was going against the Hulk, Finding Nemo and 2 Fast 2 Furious). As I was watching this movie though, I can see why it didn’t do so well.

Like I said before it’s a musical, kind of reminded me one of those beach party movies of the 60′s. They were corny back then and it doesn’t work now because well no one acts like that anymore. The songs to this movie are just awful. They just sound like they had no thought put into them. Yes I know it’s a musical (And yes I do like musicals) but if you’re going to make one, at least make you know the most important part of your movie decent. 

The movie takes place at SPRING BREAK! Kelly is what you call more reserved then her friends. Justin is a lady lover. They meet at the beach and they fall in love, yep two American Idol contestants fall in love, it’s more awkward then when your grandma asks you when are you finally going to get married (not any time soon grandma).  Of course they have to the whole they try to find each other, they find each other in the girls bathroom (take note boys if you’re looking for a girl you like, the girls bathroom. But seriously don’t I’ll punch you) , she gives him her number, her number is unreadable, one of Kelly’s friends gives the wrong number to Justin (which she gives him her number) and sabotages the relationship within the first 30 mins of the movie. At this point I’m already looking at my clock on my video player, saying ugh I still have another hour of this. Oh yay another musical number and it’s terrible.

Of course finds Kelly finds Justin again when Kelly’s friend enters her in a whipped cream bikini contest. There of course is a misunderstanding because Justin really wants to see Kelly in a different way. Justin tries to make it up to her by being clumsy and tell her lets go on a boat ride. This boat ride made me want to bang my head against any solid object. Their chemistry is soo bad. I just can’t describe how bad it is. I’m speechless to how bad they are. They sing about being in each others arms and they aren’t even near each other. This was so painful. I need that wine, does Amazon do express deliveries of wine like ASAP! Justin says something, Kelly says that’s sweet and he fucking says I got it from a fortune cookie!! SEE WHAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH! I’m just going to randomly say dumb quotes from the movie.  

After that we have Kelly’s friend fall in love with a guy who works in restaurant. She gets him fired by saying to his boss he over works him. Ok like that boss is going to be like oh yea I’m firing you because you’re girl is your representative.

So Kelly’s friend (at this point  is just a bitch who for some reason wants Justin). She sings the worst song in the whole movie about wishing upon a star and going a little too far. Not enough auto tune can save that song. She texts Justin pretending to be Kelly to meet her at some bar. Oh my God, why would any person that would be your friend do this. Why is this even a thing in any movie. Her friend tells him that Kelly has a boyfriend. WTF?!?! When is this movie over. Oh 30 more minutes. Well if you want to get technical there are credits so that’s about 10 less minutes of movie yay!

Then random guy named Luke, kisses Kelly and says that he’s her boyfriend. Yes I know it’s stupid, this whole movie is stupid. Then Luke and Justin have a boat race to prove their love of Kelly even though Luke isn’t Kelly’s boyfriend, they’re friends. I don’t fucking know.  Alexa (that’s Kelly’s friend took me a while to actually know and not care about her name) wants Justin but Justin doesn’t want her. This movie is almost done... thank goodness. My brain is melting from pure dumbness out of my ears. 

So Kelly finds out Alexa is the worst friend ever, another stupid song is sung. And Justin and Kelly make up and everyone lives happily ever after. And the worst ending song plays. This movie is the worst. There are so bad it’s good movies and then there is From Justin to Kelly. The movie wasn’t even enjoyable bad. It was just bad. I can’t even watch this again in an entertainment way. If you like musical movies, watch West Side Story, don’t watch this crap. YOU’RE GOING TO NEED BOX OF WINE TO WATCH THIS MOVIE!! THE WORST RATING I’VE EVER GIVEN!

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Glitter

I feel like I have to do one of these statements when I talk about a music act. Mariah Carey is a beyond amazing singer. Yes she can be a diva, but it's entertaining and she kind of earned it. But at the same time I do have to question her for a lot of things she has done in the past (which I have a right to do as an American). Of course I could go into her public melt down in which she went on TRL in just a shirt and gave ice cream to everyone. Instead I'm going to take the high road and talk about the crappy movie she was in. Glitter I have never seen up until this week. I just heard it was shit so I stayed away from it. It wasn't until I did Spice World and Crossroads that I decided why the fuck not, let's look at this movie.

It starts off with a girl named Billie singing with her mom at a cheap bar and her dad being Cary Elwes (as you wish I guess) giving them money for their troubles. When their house burns down, she is forced to leave her mom and live somewhere else. She grows up and is now an 80's girl and is asked by Terrence Howard to be in a singing group. Billie is the cliche girl who knows has talent but doesn't have the confidence to sing. Until she does back up singing for Padma Lakshmi (host of Top Chef, I had no idea she acted). The music producer uses Billie's singing  voice for Padma lip syncing. Even though it's easily figured out, geeezz that would of been a way better movie idea. They let the best part of the movie secret revived within a minute. I just wanted that to go on longer, make it like a Milli Villin movie.

You start to see a lot of editing choices that make you question if it was edited by a high school. You see slow motion where it didn't need to be slow motion, like guy walking up to someone, SLOW MOTION! Then you see choppy shots on New York City, we get it it's New York. Then when Billie gets a music deal you see glitter, oh that's the title of the movie, symbolism!

There are a lot of actors in this movie that have other good works like Tarrence Howard, but the acting overall is sooo fucking bad. No one stuck out they all act like it's a passion project from high school. They have no emotion to them, even Mariah sounds like she is just like can we please just go back to me singing, I'm good at that. Even though she's been in other projects before (she was great in the movie Precious) , she knows how to sing. Yes the singing is great in this movie, of course it's going to be. But if you're doing a movie, singing is only part of it. Even musicals have a combination on acting and singing. One scene Billie and the DJ are on a date, and even though they look like they're having a good time, I cringed because it felt so uncomfortable. It's as if they brought lines to say, as if they were about to put on a play without putting a feeling or passion for each other. It bothers me when talent isn't showing when you know they have talent.The funniest line of the movie was when Billie sleeps with the DJ and says I don't do this. BUT YOU JUST DID IT BILLIE!! Their chemistry is so bad you don't believe they're in love for a second.  

The rest of this movie is sooo boring. Billie and the DJ are in love, they have a hard time with their relationship because she's becoming famous. Billie tries to find her mom. This movie is sooo boring, so cliche, and the story is bland. You know what's going to happen half way through the movie. And the editing is just soo fucking bad it bothers the hell out of you.

I really don't know what else to say. It sucks because with Spice World and Crossroad it was easy for me to pick problems. This movie you just know what the problems are because it's through out the whole movie. And it's the same thing  over and over again and you've seen it in other movies. The only parts I liked were when Mariah sang and the songs are catchy.

If you're a big Mariah fan, you'll probably like the movie only because she's in the movie a lot and she sings. But this movie is a BIG NO! If you are having a hard time sleeping you'll get a great night sleep after seeing this movie.

You'll need 4 Bottles of Wine to survive this movie!

Next Week I will be reviewing probably the worst singers turned movie star movie I have reviewed. And this is going to break my soul. From Justin To Kelly. Sorry Kelly Clarkson, I love you but we need to talk about this movie...

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Crossroads

I know I’m a week late. Last week I got my second tattoo (it kicks ass and hopefully I’ll post it on my twitter later @heyrowsdower. You can also take a look at my drunk live tweet of watching of this movie on my twitter).  Last time I dug into the world of a girl band making a movie. Destiny set into play what I didn’t realize was going to be a theme for the next couple of weeks of singers acting in movies. As I was getting ready for my Easter road trip to my grandma’s, I was flipping through channels when this gem showed up on one of my million HBO channels. It was the last 20 mins of the movie, and I watched in horror as Brittney Spears tried to do the unthinkable, ACTING!!

Now I know there are a bunch of Britney Spears fans in the world (most I know read my blog, hey Malcolm). Like I said in my Spice World review, I’m not judging her music or anything personally about her, I’m judging on movie only. I mean her songs have made her a house hold name, even a show in Vegas. But I think there is a reason she hasn’t starred in a movie (though she was on a couple of episodes of How I Met Your Mother, she was ok). Now I’m not her biggest fan, but I will say she has a ton of catchy songs. But when it comes to her in this movie..well let’s get into that.

The movie is a basic story of three old friends who make a promise as kids to bury things under a tree to come back after they graduate high school to dig it back up (FRIEND FOREVER!). Well they grow up and they aren’t friends anymore. Britney plays a girl named Lucy, she’s a smart cliche valedictorian girl. Her father (played by Dan Aykrord insert why not Ghostbusters 3 joke here) planned her future which is becoming a doctor. Of course Lucy loves to sing, and she's wants to sing for a living (but see doctor isn't that bad of a money maker). I was shocked, never really been shocked about a person being in a movie in my past reviews, but yeah Zoe Saldana is in this movie. I’m just happy she never did the sequel to this movie. She plays Kit the mean popular girl who is bitch to all who is engaged to a guy who we don’t meet until the end. And Taryn Manning (Orange is the New Black) who plays Mimi, a knocked up teenager (we don't know who the baby daddy is until the end). Mimi is the only one who remembered about digging up the old box and tells her old friends, so Lucy (who is about to get it on with Justin Long, but then back out because it doesn't feel right) and Kit decide to reunite and find a bunch of old things of theirs. Lucy's tells us that her mom left her years ago, Kit's fiance lives in LA going to college and Mimi wants to go to a singing competition in LA and invites the girl to take a road trip with her. They decide to all go, with little money and a random guy driving the car. Yea this movie has to have a man for Britney to fall in love with so yea here's a hot guy driving them across country.

Don't worry Lucy leave a note for dad, yea she's the only one in this group who has a considered parents. I guess Mimi's or Kit's are like oh girls will be girls. This roadtrip is boring. They join a singing contest at one point where Mimi, who suppose to be in the singing contest in LA (the reason why they are going across country) can't sing in front of a crowd. Don't worry Britney, I mean Lucy, is there to save the day and everyone loves her!  And yea it's goes into Lucy visiting her  mom (played Kim Cattrall). Oh she isn't in it for very long. And she tells Lucy (Off screen might I add) that she never wanted Lucy for reasons (yet she has two sons who I guess she wanted). Kit's fiance we find out is a cheater, who was the one who knocked up Mimi at a party (oh shit forgot to put spoiler before that). Mimi falls down the stairs and loses the baby. But that's ok Kit forgives her for fucking her ex. YAY! Oh yeah of course Lucy and that hot guy hook up. And at the end it was Lucy who enters that singing contest and her dad realizes that she was a good singer the whole time.

Yea I know you were expecting me to go into details about how they became friends and other details of the movie that were suppose to make a story. But I'll be honest this movie could of been done easily in 30 mins instead of the almost 90 mins we got. This story is so bland as a bread wishing it was a sandwich. Plus I'm not going to lie, they didn't have as many Britney songs as I thought they were going to have. I know, she's not playing Britney, she's playing Lucy, but they only play 3 of her songs (well one of them was a song by Joan Jett so 2 songs). I got so drunk watching this movie, I felt I was getting a bad trip. Some of the line were so laughable, I almost spit out wine (a sin in itself). One was Mimi saying something about getting a record deal if she wins, Kit says something on the line of what are you going to be a big fat pregnant superstar.  Britney's acting isn't the worse, but far from the best I've seen. She sounds like herself, and I couldn't take her seriously.

This movie was so boring, so lame, soooo bad. I luckily had wine to help me with this one. Though there are funny line moments, I can't see me watching this movie again.

Like me, you'll need wine, lots of it. 4 Bottles of Wine. You'll probably be sleeping but if you want to stay awake do what I did, do a live tweet reaction!

Next week: Glitter! HELP ME!!!

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Spice World

This brings back memories, oh my 90′s elementary school  memories. Oh course I loved the Spice Girls, who didn’t back then. They were the girl group in the sea of boy bands. Everybody loved them, dressed like them, had Chupa Chip lollipops like they did, even my music teacher talked about them. They were everywhere. With the height of their popularity  they decided to do what The Beatles did, make a movie. Oh course during the time this movie came up, another movie was out for about a month that was dominating the box office, Titanic. And yea the movie was number two that week, with a 10 million dollar opening (well that’s with how much tickets cost back then and I’m sure it would be a lot more with today’s ticket prices) vs 25 million Titanic made that week (it was the movie’s sixth week in the theaters). You might think it was a disaster, but compared going against one of the biggest money making movies, it didn’t do that bad. But sadly it went down hill, money wise. Of course back then my parents would rather me see Titanic (a movie with thousands of deaths, boobs and a sex scene that made cars look comfy to do it in) then to see five girls try to make a movie.  

I remember when I did finally see the movie on HBO, I thought even back then the movie wasn’t that great. Mainly because well I had no idea what the fuck was going on. This movie has a problem with keeping to a story line. I guess you can compare to movie in the 60′s involving a major group. So after I bought a dress from Victoria Beckham new clothing line for Target I thought I need to re watch this movie.  

Now before I begin, I will say to all that are worried that I’m here about to rip these girls apart, well I’m not really going to. I’m reviewing their movie. The movie is one of the most confusing, weirdest and not very good of a movie. I like the girl group, I saw them a couple of years ago in concert (finally!) and they can put on a show. Their songs are catchy as hell and as I was singing to the song as I was watching the movie. Not here to ditch their songs, I’m here to ditch the movie. For those who are wondering, my favorite Spice Girl was Baby Spice.

This movie starts like any movie that has a band as it’s focus, singing! You think ok it’s going to be about them being a girl group. Well yes, that’s obviously. But after that it turns into girls going on tour while taking care of a friend who is pregnant after her man leaves her. Well shows that the girls are caring ok I dig it.  Well that’s about the only thing about this movie that I understood.

From there two people are trying to pitch a movie idea about the girls. Ok it’s been done before, you them go through possibly movie ideas. We see them talk to aliens and being spies in these movie pitch ideas. While that is going on a reporter is following them documenting the girls while they perform and hang out with kids for the day. While that is going on is going on while a reporter is trying to bring down the Spice Girls by spying on them and hiding. Twisting their words and making them look terrible. They also go to a dance boot camp while staying in a haunted house.

If all that is giving this you a headache with trying to figure out what’s going on, well we’re on the same boat. And yes there is a scene with them on a boat with those kids I mentioned earlier in which they fall off the boat but it’s ok the kids know how to swim and don’t need help. Well it would of been better if they did need help and they would be heroes but it’s ok.

The only part we get to see a look at a movie that has a hope is when the girls look like they are breaking up and we get to see how they start in a coffee shop. I loved this part. It shows that there was a simple concept, it shows them being a group of friend reliving how life was hard for them at one point. Yes I know that’s not how the group really got started but that real story is better for a documentary.

Things are going well, until  their friend has her baby. After she has the baby, they have to get to a concert performance.  They take their bus (which by the way is the coolest fucking bus I’ve ever seen) and their driver (Meatloaf, that’s not a joke, he even sings a Spice Girls song softly) they kick off and now it’s back to movie pitch time. So this bus goes through London, they go on top of the bus for reasons, the bus jump a bridge, they discover a bomb, but don’t worry it’s all a movie pitch right? I have no clue. Some of it happened, or not. But don’t worry they get to their performance and that’s it. Old white men dancing to “Spice Up Ur Life” and memories are a simple time. Do stay for the credits, but yea that’s all I can recommend. 

I know I said this movie is a mess, and it is. It doesn’t know what kind of a movie it wants to be. Yeah I won’t recommend this movie if you want to have a thought provoking movie. This did however bring back a lot of great memories for me though, which not many bad movies can do. And it’s not the girls fault, they were in a movie for the fans. Girl Power, hell yes, good movie no way. Sorry all the fans who liked this film, just not my cup of British tea.  You’ll need 3 and a half  bottles of Hock and pot. Please reunite Spice Girls and make a better movie!

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My Top 10 Favorite Mystery Science Theater Episodes

 I was asked recently at my job, Christine why do you like watching bad movies? My answer was, well I like to suffer (kidding). But my true response was well ever since I was kid, I’ve watched Mystery Science Theater 3000 (or MST3K for all you non watchers). I remember every Saturday on Comedy Central or SyFy (it was first on CC but later moved to SyFy), my family would gather around the TV to see which movie Joel or Mike would rip apart this week. It was one of the few shows my family loves to watch together. Hell my first date with my boyfriend we talked about our love of this show and we’ve been watching it together ever since. That’s how much this show has been a part of my life. Now it’s coming back with new episodes on Netflix and I can’t fucking wait! My thoughts of I wonder what movies they are going to riff, I wonder if Crow still like to dress up like bear, if Tom Servo still hates Canada. 

Those have never of this show,what the hell is wrong with you? (kidding again). Well the show is basically about three people (well two robots and a human) that are forced to watch bad movies, by Dr. Forrester or Pearl Forrester (depending on which season you watch). While watching the movie though, they make jokes. Yea it’s that simple. A silhouette of them is shown through out, and it makes it look like an actual movie theater watching experience.

If you have never seen the show, I couldn’t recommend this show enough. This list hopefully help you get started on you MST3K binge watch. There are almost 200 episodes of the original show, which yes it’s a lot. But this list are my personal favorite, this is how I introduce the show to people who have never seen it. Spoiler: The number one pick is the one I show everyone who want to watch this show for the first time. 

This is my list, aka my personal opinion. If you are a fan of the show and you don’t see your favorite, let me know in the comments.  

Just a short mention, I won’t be including the shorts on my list, just the movies. Some of the movies on my list may include a short, but know I love all the shorts they do. I know Youtube has a bunch of them on their so check it out! 

10.   Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders

You would think with a title like Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders it would be movie of child like wonder and magic. Instead this movie is an scary, horrifying story that Grandpa (Ernst Borgnine) is telling his grandson. These stories consist of man who uses Merlin’s Magic Book to cast spell which back fires (literally it ends with a fire) which ends in a death. An evil monkey with cymbal that causes people to dye if he crashes his cymbals. I won’t say this movie is full of wonders and Merlin. It’s a horror movie being told as a bed time story to a kid. Luckily the gang at MST3K joke about how the movie that sounds like it’s going to be a magical family movie, instead you’ll have nightmares about that monkey. My favorite part is when they cut to gag jokes in which the show fake children's book that looks innocent but when they open the book, it was ugly let’s say. So if you’re looking for a title that looks like it’s going to be something it’s not, this is the perfect movie for you.

9.  Santa Claus

This is one of two of Christmas specials on this list. This movie is about Santa Claus (yea so you’re thinking). How about Santa Claus vs.the Devil. Damn. Made in Mexico, this 1959 movie tell you the real story of Santa, not living in the North Pole but in a castle in the sky. He doesn’t have elves, he has children from all around the world make the toys for him (and make them sing a song from their country). He also only goes to three house and fights the Devil for a little girls soul. I love to watch this episode every Christmas. I laugh just watching Santa wined up his reindeer (you’ll see when you watch it). The jokes are spot on with the gang, especially when the kids sing their songs, I crack up every time. So if you’re looking for a new Christmas special to watch in December, watch this I promise it will take that depression from looking at your bank account after a trip on Amazon,go away.

8.  Soultaker

What do you get when you have, the early 90′s, writer and star in the movie and Joe Estevez as a grim reaper, you get a crappy movie. Thank goodness we have Mike Nelson and his robot pals to make this movie less painful. One of the character in this movie has the biggest chin I’ve ever seen in my life, and of course they rip him and Joe Estevez apart with their acting. My favorite part in this episode is when the girl is about to get naked, Crow gets excited until he gets something in his eye and he has to leave the theater. When he comes back she’s fully dressed again and he gets angry. This movie is full of bad acting, a story that feels like it’s dragging on and on and an Estevez! Enjoyable has hell. 

7.  Manos: The Hands of Fate

Any bad movie lover has heard of this movie. Manos is a classic so bad it’s good movie and this is how I saw this movie for the first time. A movie that has bad acting, bad sound editing and a story I really don’t get to this day. But thanks to this episode it brought this movie into the main stream. It also brought Torgo, a character from this movie into a couple of the regular episodes. This movie can drag on, even the robots and Joel say “ Do Something” through the movie. Though I don’t think it’s a strong as the others on this list, I still think it’s funny episode and it brought this movie the attention it needs.  

6. Mitchell/ Final Justice

I know I’m cheating by putting two movies at number 6 (but then again it’s my fucking list and I’m going to do whatever I want). I had t hard time trying to pick which Joe Don Baker movie to put above the other so it’s a tie. There is a sort of thing when it’s a Joe Don Baker movie that show something happens (to Joel). In Mitchell it was Joel’s last episode as host, in which he passes it to Mike. In Final Justice, Joel makes a cameo in which was a great build up. The movies both have Joe Don Baker as a cop. He’s above the law though so he’s a tough cop who yells at kids and goes to another country in his Taxes Ranger get up. In both of these movies the guys make fart noises and food jokes. Sound immature, but if you know me you know that I act like a kid most of the time so it’s funny. 

5. Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

This made for PBS movie is a classic. This Raul Julia (He played Gomez in the Addams Family movies) star as Fingal (yes that name is riffed a lot in this episode) a man who get doppeled into a computer. If you don’t know what doppeling is, well I really don’t either. Best way to put it, a guy’s mind is now in a computer and he’s is messing with a big companies computer system. This movie is confusing but with three others who also have no idea what’s going on either it makes this movie enjoyable. My favorite part is at the end where Fingal and this fat guy (yes that’s his name in the movie) have a basic staring contest. Just the jokes of them staring are enough to make this movie laughable. Also as a side gag they do this fake pledge drive like they do at PBS, even if you’ve never seen this movie you’ll love the pledge drive gags. Please watch this and realize how much PBS means a lot in pop culture (I’m talking to you all you people who want to take away ELMO)

4.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Spoiler: Santa never conquers the Martians. Yes I know sad. This movie is so cheaply made, I mean just look at that picture. The actors that played martians look like they just put on some green paint, made their own costumes and said ok let’s shot a movie. Heck even a guy dressed up like a polar bear looks like he made that thing himself. The episode is a classic when it comes to MST3K fans. My dad told me he remember watching this movie when he was young, and watching it now you why my dad told me this movie sucked. The movie itself is really really bad but these jokes are spot on. The gang also sings a funny song called “A Patrick Swyaze Christmas” (RIP PS). This episode is full of Christmas Spirit and a sold riff on a not so great holiday classic.

3.  Hobgoblins

So I have to point out that this is my boyfriend’s favorite episode. He was a little upset that this wasn’t number 1 on my list. But like I said before it’s my list (not even my boyfriend can change that). I will say though that this is on my list because it’s the best movie that defines the 80′s. Hobgoblins is a big rip off of the Gremlins movie. But these Hobgoblins are locked in a safe until they are freed but a guy who is as brave as the lawyer in Jurassic Park. His friends and his girlfriend are the worst people you can meet. There is even a fight with rakes (yes the lawn tool )and they just use the wooden part that makes a sound effect every time they hit them. I love this episode for all the jokes they make on the over sexed Jesse Spano look a like. I will watch this episode if I’m sad or need to be reminded that there are worse movies than Norm of the North. Please watch this one for your 80′s kick.

2.  The Final Sacrifice

This fucking movie is the best Canadian riffing movie (Sorry Canada i love your style but this is just a great episode). With a teenager that sounds like he’s reached  puberty a couple of times, a man who lives in a house that sounds like a cartoon character, a cult that looks like they are going to rob a bank and the greatest hero Canada has Rowsdower! That beer drinking, mullet wear, over weight beauty of a man.  Yes now you know what my twitter name means (that’s @heyrowsdower on my twitter for all of you who want to follow). Just think average Joe on an adventure. But what makes this episode my number 2, the jokes are spot on. The way this episode flows, how the character react to what’s happening the screen, even the side gags are just so funny that I don’t want to spoil. I just say please watch this one, after you watch my favorite MST3K episode... 

drum roll my number 1 pick for my favorite episode of MST3K is....

1.   Space Mutiny

This is my favorite hands down episode of MST3K ever. Not going to lie it was hard to write this list, heck I left out a bunch of great ones, like Werewolf, Eegah and Time Chasers. But I knew the whole time when writing my list what my number one was going to be. I remember watching this episode on TV for the first time and I pissed myself because these jokes are what make this show a classic. A movie that takes scenes from the show Battle Star, has the love interest who looks older than her father, show a women being killed then in the next scene she’s there alive and well. But I think what makes this episode the best is the names they give to the main hero Dave Rider. Calling him Buff Drinks Lots, Bulk Vander Huge, Flint Ironstaff, etc. I also show this episode to someone who has never seen this show telling them this is what this show is about. Three people making fun of a movie and looking like they are having a great time.

I hope this list will help you start your new obsession (your welcome). I really want those who have never seen the show to check it out. There are some episodes on Netflix now, including Space Mutiny so no excuses! 

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Breaking Dawn Part 2

YES I’m done, after this I will never have to watch these movies ever again! It’s been long, torturous, and sometimes wine filled (ok maybe the whole time).  Out of all the movies in this series, this is by far the worst. The actors looked like they were like FUCK YEA we’re done with this crap. And the ending is the worst ending I’ve seen in a movie since I AM Legend.

Bella is now a vampire (She finally did it, she got what she always wanted) now she has a thirst for blood. Every time she looks like she’s trying to act like a vampire it looks like she’s about to take a dump or she smells something funky. Though she’s is tempted to kill a climber, she instead kills a mountain lion in the most epic wrestling move I’ve seen. 

After Bella gets her snack, she edger to see her daughter Renesmee. Jacob is waiting for them to sort of tell them the good news that soon you’ll be my mom and dad in law. Bella doesn’t take the imprinting well (I mean he imprinted on a baby for crying out loud). But the funniest lines ever said after Bella finds out. Jacob calls Renesmee, Nessy. She then says “ Nessy, you named her after the Lock Ness Monster”. Seriously just those lines made the movie so bad it’s good for a second. 

All this time Bella’s father, Charlie, has been “worried” about her, thinking she’s really sick from their honeymoon. I saved this horrible acting moment for last movie, but Billy Burke who plays Bella’s father (he was also in a couple episodes of Gilmore Girls and 24) they have no chemistry of father/ daughter. When he sees Bella for the first time, he doesn’t show emotion, he just says it. There seems to be no care, no love between them. I know in the book their relationship is bumpy, but you still felt like he cared about her. This is the worst acting I’ve seen through out this movie. 

Word gets around that Renesmee may be immortal, which is frowned upon. Alice sees a vision of the happiest family on earth the Volturi.  So now they go on the prove Renesmee is normal tour. Which yes takes up a lot of time, which I mean they have to fill in that two hour movie time slot. You meet a bunch of new vampires each with special powers, I forget there names I just know what their powers are. What’s Bella’s power you may ask (besides looking like she’s bored) she can make a shield to protect people. 

We’re almost an hour in and they are building up this fight, like everyone is going to die oh no this child needs to be protected. Even Bella writes a letter to Renesmee saying “Jacob will take care of you”. Then when the fight comes, it becomes clear it’s taking forever to get this fight going. But finally it happens, and for the most part it’s ok. There is no blood in it (because I realized in my last review that I think vampires have no blood). The special effects are better but not the best. You can tell they wanted to save money because they knew how much money they would be getting for crazy 50 year old mother and their teenage daughters. 

But just as the fight was getting good, you then find out that this whole fight was just a FUCKING VISION FROM ALICE!! That’s right none of the fight happened. What lazy way to end a series. OH by the way that fight we were building up, never happened. Hope you enjoyed that, you loyal fans of the books and movies. Thank you for giving us your money.

I don’t care about the ending because that just pissed me off. Even in the book I was so mad that in invested time and some money into this series. I can’t believe it. This series was a waste of my time, and waste of yours if you have never seen these movies. This movie though takes the cake for worst final movie in a series!

You’ll need 4 Bottles of Wine, hopefully you’ll be passed out by the time this movie is over.

Oh and you want to see the worst special effects in the movie. Renesmee as a baby and child. Super creppy.

[closseyc-blog]

Breaking Dawn Part 1

As I was about to start playing this movie, my inner thoughts told me, I have a feeling this is going to be boring. I mean after Harry Potter decided to break it’s last movie into two parts, every trendy book series made into movies has done this. Now from a business standpoint I get it, two movies twice as much money. But if your source material is from a book, well... it’s tricky. Let’s take the Hunger Games, one of my favorite book series. When they decided to break it into two parts I thought, well that’s going to be a boring first movie because all the exciting parts happen in the second half of the book. Sure enough I was right, it wasn’t until part 2 that when everything exciting happens. The reason, well that’s usually how stories work. The beginning is setting up the story, middle conflict, ending resolution. When you break the book in half your going to get just the setting up to the story and some of the conflict. Of course there will be a cliff hanger because you know there is a part 2. I’m not a fan of this trend, but like I said I get it from a business point of view.

I press play, and this is it, the big wedding of Bella and Edward, a couple so bland it makes tofu tastes like a  four course meal. The wedding scene was the most boring wedding I’ve ever seen, in person and on the screen. There is no build up, just hey here’s the wedding. Bella looked she didn’t want anything to do with it. There wasn’t a point where she looked like I’m so ready to get married. She looked like she was in pain and looked like she wanted out of it. The reception part I felt like a boring gathering of people that I forgot were in the other movies and of course they all say a toast. Now a toast at a wedding, usually unless you have a good sense of humor, is boring and longer than it should be. That’s exactly what it was longer than it needed to be. 

And I thought, well I think I need a break from this movie, so I watched a good movie, American Psycho. That seem to clear my head. Now Bella and Edward on their honeymoon. Oh yea vampire sex! In the book it’s described as so intense that no human could survive and if they do, they want more. They have sex, well I should say they show a couple of times they did it. Geezz I never thought I would say this, the most boring sex scenes I’ve seen on screen. Talk about Part 1 being boring. I started to realize at this point that in the book the first parts were boring because most of it was wedding and honeymoon. Then I was like oh shit is this all part one is going to be. And yes that’s what the first almost hour of this movie is, wedding and honeymoon. Most of the honeymoon was them having sex and playing chess inside and outside (yes honey, fuck going out and exploring Rio or good anywhere besides the woods let’s play chess). 

Jacob’s role in this movie is moody teenager who didn’t get his way. He bitches about how Edward is going to kill Bella with his dick (sorry that’s what I thought when he reacted to Bella telling him that she wasn’t going to be a vampire yet). The only way Jacob can get over Bella, according to his tribe, is he has to imprint on someone. Oh don’t worry we’ll get to that, in second believe me you’ll question Stephenie Meyers mental state when she wrote it.

Back to the world’s most boring honeymoon, Bella gets pregnant. Yup, just like people who don’t believe in birth control, she gets pregnant. I mean you didn’t think this was a possibility that you could get pregnant.  Well this isn’t any normal pregnancy, this how most women want their pregnancy to go, fast and done. Within a matter of weeks Bella is full term preggo. I will say the makeup work they use to make Bella look sick is done really well. 

Jacob decides to protect Bella from his old wolf tribe because they think Bella is carrying an evil being (which yea I guess she is). This movie is really trying to stretch it’s time by talking about the baby, Edward searching Yahoo! (oh geez I guess Google didn’t want any part in this movie) for baby vampires, talking about naming the kid. And finally Bella gives birth, to a girl named Resume (I think that’s how you spell it, yea stupid). Oh got to kill ten minutes, ok Bella dies and Edward tries CPR for five of those minutes. Then there is a fight outside where Jacob’s old tribe fights vampires. 

Oh so now it’s time to mention Jacob’s imprint, he imprints on the baby. That’s right, he imprints (meaning that’s his life partner that he protects for the rest of his life). If you think it’s gross, yes it is. Jacob is I think 17 and he imprints on a baby, a baby that was just born. Damn Jacob now you’re going to have to call Bella mom, ewwwww. 

Edward failing his CPR class, decided to turn Bella into a vampire. This is what felt like the longest part. We see her die, five minutes later Edward turns her, fifteen later she opens her eyes and that’s the end of the movie.

Yes this movie is a filler movie that leads up to the final (or as I’m calling it the Finally movie). This movie is all kinds of dull. Just know if the movie says Part 1, that means you will get a cliff hanger and you’ll most likely forget this movie. This movie was so boring I had to watch a good movie in the middle of a bad one (I call it a sandwich with good filler). I would say 3 bottles of wine for this movie, though you’ll probably be asleep before you get to the second bottle.

[closseyc-blog]

Twilight: Eclipse

Thank goodness only two more after this! But to be honest this movie wasn’t as bad as the first two. Oh it still sucks, but there was only one  time I fell asleep during it, which is a plus. You think you’ll finally understand why two guys are fighting over girl who has less personality than a rock that’s stuck in my shoe. Yet as I’m watching this movie, I think I saw Bella (Kristian Stewart) blinked more than she showed an ounce of emotion.  

The story continue with a vampire attacking random people in the area (if you don’t know it’s that red head Victoria than I just spared you that worst “shocking” reveal ever). Bella is about to graduate high school and her only plans in her life are to be a vampire. Yea fuck college or you know seeing the world. Take a year off from Edward to reconsider you becoming a vampire. Be single girl, believe me it will help. But of course this bitch can’t live without a guy fighting over her. Lucky for her she has two guys. Edward wants to marry Bella and yet he doesn’t want her to change into a vampire (complex relationship which I’m sure therapy can’t fix). Jacob wants Bella and promises that she can still be a human if she’s with him (SOLD!) and kisses her. Funniest part is when she tries to smack him after he tries to kiss and she breaks her hand (yet in New Moon she slips Jacob’s friend and she’s perfectly fine). Edward and Jacob fight a lot in this movie, most of it is just talk which I compare when me and my sister fighting when we were kids, you stink no you stink!  

The movie builds to this vampire army that’s wants to kill Bella because Victoria is still getting paid to be in the movie (get over it Victoria!). The vampires and the werewolves decide to put years and years of grudging to protect Bella (yep that’s the only reason to do it is because two guys love a girl that is as dull as a watching grass grow). They build this fight (oh yes we’ll talk about this fight in a bit) so the vampires and werewolves train in what I call yea they just fight and that’s what I guess training is. It was not a Rocky montage moment. 

The part where I feel asleep was what feels like forever Bella and Edward talking about sex. Listen I respect Edward wanting to wait till marriage to have sex, but geezz the way he presented it was so boring and unrealistic. He must have known the Duggar’s the way he was talking about courtship and  that bs about being pure. Robert Pattinson I know didn’t believe what he was reading and it shows. My goodness it took so fucking long. Luckily I woke up just in time for him to purpose to Bella. It was lame, quick and no love in that shot. 

So let’s get to that battle, because the rest of the movie is just Bella loves Edwards, no wait she loves Jacob, nevermind it’s Edward. They come up with the stupidest plan to keep Bella safe, well Jacob carries her to a tent on top of mountain (ok his stink so that they can’t smell her’s so far so good) then Edward stays with her in the tent. And of course it doesn’t work because everyone knows that Edward and Bella are together so that’s the first person that their going to look for. The fight, is a bloodless, head chopping, PG-13 fighting I’ve ever seen. It is done in less than 5 minutes and I kept thinking this fight was so hyped up and now it’s over with. It was soo lame. Jacob gets hurt and the way he cries is the most emotion I’ve seen in all the movies so far (good job)

The movie ends with Victoria dead and Edward and Bella planning their wedding.  Man this movie had some hope but it failed in writing, acting and the headless special effects. I wanted to like this movie, it had hints of it being good. But once again it fell short. This movie is 2 and a half bottles of wine, you’ll be half drunk and you’ll still laugh at the fact that Edward doesn’t believe in sex until after marriage because vampire has morals?!?! 

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New Moon: The Twilight Saga, Unfortunately Continues

I thought to myself last night, I have never seen this movie. I swore years ago I wouldn’t see any of these movies. I had to break this promise because I want to talk about how bad these movies are, and I need to watch it. When I was just about to press play on my tablet, I had my bf’s dog Mosby next to me and a glass of wine in my hand. I took one long big gulp of the wine and told Mosby, help me please. My gut told me that this movie was going to be worse than Twilight. Something inside me told me that I was going to drinking a lot of wine. So I pressed play and what I saw was....horrible.

In my last review I talked about how the acting was bad most likely because of the writing, well this movie is no different. This time though, we add more Jacob and his friends being shirtless. The story continues with Bella and Edward’s not really believing their relationship. Bella has dreams about getting old and Edward not changing, she’s then decides to say fuck living a normal life I want to live as a vampire (she did mention she wanted to be in the last movie but this movie it’s really hammered in that she would rather be a boring Twilight vampire than be a human, did Tuck Everlasting teach you anything about living forever, NOT WORTH IT).  Edward doesn’t want her to, don’t blame him, but she really wants to because she’s feeling old because it’s her 18th birthday (geeezzz girl get the fuck over it, that’s not old). Edward’s weird normal acting vampire family decides to throw Bella a birthday party I guess to prove that they won’t eat her. When Bella gets a paper cut Edward’s “brother” tries to attack her, that’s when I guess Edward says, yeah I’m dumping you. 

I feel bad about saying this because I’ve had a broken heart, but the way Edward dumps Bella in the movie is not really explained and funny as fuck. In the book and at the end of the movie he says he did it to protect her, in the book it’s to try to let her have a normal life, in the movie not really explained very well. It’s funny as fuck because Edwards face as he’s dumping her looks like he’s a combination of stoned as fuck and I really have to take a shit right now. I laughed so hard at this part my bf looked at me and said oh it’s the movie (he gets it). Then we see Bella go through a deep depression. Listen I get it, break ups aren’t easy but this goes on for months and the only solution that her dad could come up with is hey move to your mom’s house in Florida. WOW dad you didn’t think maybe this girl needs to go seek a professional, get some real help. And Bella, he’s just an ass if he dumps you like that and give a lame ass explanation, not worth your time, believe me I know.

Bella then tries to get out of her funk by hanging out with her friend Jessica (played by Anna Kendrick, who probably doesn’t mention she did these movie when talking to other people) when she find that she can see Edwards when she’s about to do something stupid, like get on the back of some random guys motorcycle. So decides to keep doing stupid things so she can keep seeing him (great message for girls,do stupid things that could get you killed in order to try to see your ex). Bella decides that she wants to try to ride a motorcycle and gets Jacob to help fix two broken ones. As they are fixing these bikes they become closer. 

The next part that I laughed at was when we first meet the leader of Jacob’s werewolf pact as they are jumping off a climb. It is the worst CGI effect I’ve ever seen in a high budget movie. They are green screened and you can tell they are green screen by a cliff which is real. But they way they are put on that cliff looks like they were just added on there last minute without fixing anything. It’s real bad. The pack itself, yes they are shirtless the whole time. Like I don’t know if it’s a werewolf thing or just a hey I just worked out, look how hot I look (doesn’t help that they wearing jorts bad from an old pair of jeans that they cut off).

Jacob feels he’s changing into a werewolf and also cuts off Bella. This is the point where I would tell Bella not to let her life rely on a guy, go look at a couple of colleges or something. But instead of sitting and being depressed she goes to his house to find out that he’s a werewolf. Yea the werewolf special effects are bad, they aged badly. I just look at them and think geezz they just wanted to focus on men with no shirts huh. 

Bella wanting to be the thrill seeker that she decides to then jump off that cliff the pact, When Bella hits the water she she Victoria from the last movie who I guess wants revenge on her for her having to kill her bf James (even though it was Edwards family who did that) and her trying to kill Bella like James was trying to do. Even after Jacob saves her life, Bella after finding out Edward is about do kill himself (he think Bella killed herself after jumping off the cliff) she says fuck the guy who actually shows like he care and go for the guy who dumped me because of stupid reason. 

By this point in the movie I was on glass number three, tipsy and Mosby had left (he can sense a bad movie). I felt like I was tortured, the acting was so bad, the writing worse. Writing and acting go together because if a movies writing is bad, the actors won’t take care of the craft. If the Godfather had terrible writing do you anyone would love that acting in it. Then when the Godfather 3 was made we got to see what bad writing did to the acting of classic character.

So Bella goes to Italy to “save” Edward before he shows his true form in front of a bunch of humans (his pale glittery self). After pushing him back into the dark, the Volturi  (a family that is way more boring than the Adams Family) who tell Edward that Bella knows too much about Vampires so she either must be killed or turn into a vampire. I laughed again when before they go see the Volturi, Dakota Fanning (who I call creepy child) tells them to go into an elevator and the worst Italian opera I’ve ever heard in my life is playing. My ears didn’t want to believe what it was hearing. The characters just look, don’t say a word and they all look like oh fuck what did we sign up for, we have to do 3 more of these shitty movies. 

So in the end Jacob begs Bella to go with him, she says nope I’ll go to ass hole Vampire, and Edward is like Marry Me. BELLA RUN!

Only three more of these shitty ass movies to go. I think the acting is just as if not worse that the first one. The writing is too stupid to believe. The special effects were laughable. I can’t really blame the actors for having to deal with the bad writing but at least kind of look like you care that this movie franchise is going to make you millionaires for at twenty years. I got through four glasses of wine I was full of joy after the credits started to play, and unlike a Marvel movie I didn’t care to see if there was something at the end of the credits because fuck this shit. Three more movies, more like can someone just get me three boxes of wine and hope that this didn’t really exist.

So for New Moon, Four Glasses or make it Three and a Half bottles of wine, you’ll laugh at the bad acting in story but you’ll be depressed because of the message girls need a guy in order to be happy. 

[closseyc-blog]

Twilight

So here we are the month of March, or as I call it the other month of the year where I go broke (I have nine birthdays in March including my own ). How would I want to celebrate the month in which I was brought to this earth, watch a terrible series of movies! Yes because I need an excuse to drink that box of wine I bought on New Years. 

Yeah I know I’m talking shit about a movie series that turned horny fifty year old mothers freak out. But about ten years ago this was a major books series. Ok time for a confession, I’ve read all the Twilight books (this is the point where you spit out your coffee, or not don’t ruin your computer or your cell phone). When they announced that a movie was being made based on the books, I was curious so I decided to buy the book (the library didn’t have a copy) and to my surprise I kind of liked it. It wasn’t the best book I ever read, hell no, but it was enjoyable for the most part. The only thing that bothered me about the book was the fact that I felt there wasn’t a depth to Bella or the Edward, as far as what they liked (besides each other), Edward doesn’t have friends outside his family (yes I know he’s a vampire but there has to be other vampires on social media) Bella does hang out with other people I’ll give her that. The books were far from a masterpiece. 

I was kinda of excited about seeing the movie (I even got midnight screening tickets) but I saw in that theater was horror. I’ve seen lots of movies based on books,Harry Potter, The Hunger Games and Lord of the Rings are my favorite, yes they miss a lot of things from the books but I’ve realized that it can’t be perfect. This movie though was just awful. Yes I know this movie had a really low budget because they weren’t sure about how well the movie was going to do but at least get better actors. After that movie ended in that theater I wanted my money back, soo badly. That’s when I swore I would not watch the other Twilight movies or this one ever again, until now. Let’s break some half assed promises to myself. This month I will be watching all the Twilight movies, let’s start by re watching the movie that started it all.

The movie is about a girl named Bella who moves from Arizona to a town called Forks, Washington to be with her dad (she is the palest person that lived in Arizona I’ve ever seen). She meets Edward (the hottest loner I’ve ever seen) who think is trying to avoid her because reasons. Until she figures out that he’s a vampire and that he is trying not to hurt her. They fall in love with each other and now are that couple that doesn’t want to hang around other people and pretty much hang out with each other all the time. Bella also has a friend named Jacob who tell the story of his family and Edwards family somewhat being feuds though we don’t know the extent until the next book (or movie in this case). Bella being a human hanging out with vampires is bad news for her when a gang of vampires comes around hunting for humans (which is a no no in Edward’s family code of conduct). When this gang (I call them Ace of Base for some weird reason) finds out that Bella is a human hanging with Edward’s family, one of them goes on the hunt to kill her. 

The book was good, not great but I finished it. I think I liked it because the book was from Bella’s prescriptive. She told us how she was feeling, what was going on and narrating in a teenage way (kind of boring at times). This movie Bella narrates at times but it doesn’t feel like there is emotion at all. She seems bored like, ugh this story is boring give me my paycheck. All the actors in this movie seem to be bored and non emotion. 

Yes let’s talk about the acting. I knew who Robert Pattinson before the movie came out, hell he was Cedric Diggery (HUFFLEPUFF) in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire.He is just non emotionally and looks like when he looks at Kristen he’s trying not to fart.   Kristen Stewart though I didn’t know who she was at first, but then I saw Panic Room and said oh yea she was in that movie (good movie by the way). She just bits her lips and leaves her mouth open to I guess catch some flies for dinner. Taylor Lautner was in the shitty movie Shark Boy and Lava Girl (yea taking off his shirt helped people forget that movie existed) he isn’t in the movie for long, so I can’t really judge (though the scenes he was in were bland and he just smiled a lot), you got lucky Lautner but we’ll see you in New Moon . I might be a combination of the script and lack of chemistry between Bella and Edward (Kristen and Robert, yes I know they dated but hell I’d bang a hot guy like Robert). I felt their acting was so boring, and sooo bad. Like they just got the script on set and they said ok  just read the script as you see it.  Since I haven’t seen the other Twilight movies yet I’ll give them one more try to see if maybe it was just the first movie (though I have a doubt that they will improve). So I’m making a bet with myself, if the acting does improve I will take two shots of water as a symbol of a clean start. If it gets worse or doesn’t improve I will take two shots of fireball while watching New Moon. 

The worst scene for me by far was when Edward shows Bella what he looks like in the light. Yes the sparkling vampire scene. He looks at her and says I look ugly, she says you look beautiful. It reminded me of the scene in Howl’s Moving Castle after Howl realizes that Sofia cleaned his potions while he’s taking his bath, he screams and you realize his hair is a different color. He then implies he’s ugly and gets emo. What makes that scene different is Sofia calls him a cry baby. See that’s more believable than Bella looking at a vampire that isn’t melting in the sun and calls himself ugly. Geezz Edward some vampire would kill to have you ability to sparkle.

So overall this movie is bad, in the acting way. The story itself is not award winning or life changing. It’s there but not quite there. Though I know what’s going to happen because I read the books, I just hope the movies take some liberties to somewhat improve it, but we’ll see. For Twilight the first movie you’ll need 3 bottles of wine, you’ll laugh at the acting but you won’t want to find a vampire boyfriend anytime soon.

[closseyc-blog]

Is The Blair Witch Project Scary?

Well I was going to review Twilight, but I decided to make a month out of it (yay me) so I decided to explore the world of Netflix to find a movie to review. Then in my recommended movies list (I have many, mostly bad movies not shocking) I saw The Blair Witch Project. OOOO this movie I thought. I haven’t seen it since I was in 7th grade, I remember it was a friend’s birthday party and her cool parents rented this from Blockbuster (or whatever the name of the video rental store in my town was called, Blockbuster didn’t come to my town until a year before Redbox came). I remember all the hype around this movie. It was called the scariest movie ever made. These three people go into the woods and record all that happens, minimal production, lack of lighting, lots of cursing. All those ads on MTV, people believing that this actually happened. So here I am at this party and all I kept thinking is how I was not going to tell my parents that my friend’s folks are letting a bunch of 13 year old watch a rated R movie. And I remember just thinking as I’m watching this movie at 13 is where is the scare, where is the scary part. All these people are doing is fighting about who the fuck has a map and how lost they are.  Yeah I’m pretty sure I fell asleep (maybe it was because it was past my bed time). But yeah that was the last time I saw this movie.

Still looking at the movie icon on my Netflix  almost 20 years later (oh geezzz that sounds so old) should I watch this I think to myself? Why the fuck not. As I’m watching this I think this movie changed the way films are made. Before this movie, horror movies and most movies in general had big budgets, in order to make a successful movie you had to spend all this money. While this always didn’t work, it was the norm until this movie came along. The Blair Witch Project was made for only  $60,000 which is as cheap as you can get. This movie exploded and made over 200 million dollars in the box office. If it wasn’t for this movie we wouldn’t have the “found footage” movie genre like Paranormal Activity, Cloverfield and Troll Hunter to name a few (The movies I listed are my favorite in this genre). The fact a movie can be cheaply made and make a shit ton of money is every Hollywood production companies dream. Most people now a days are kind of over it because it follows the same formula of person carries camera everywhere (and I mean every fucking where) they go. Jump scares like crazy, and of course it ends or is it cliche. 

The movie is a simple story, college students want to do a documentary about a legend in the town of Burkittsville, Maryland of a Witch, known as the Blair Witch ( The town use to be called Blair) who use to lure children into the woods of the town and kill them for blood. The students interview people in the town, some who think it’s just a legend and few think it’s still happening. They then go into the woods to find a house that may or may of not been hers. Then for rest of the movie it’s them being lost. Until the end when they find the house and pretty much get killed (or do they?!?!)

So what did I think, I don’t think I hate it as much as I did when I was younger. Do I think it’s boring, kind of, do I think it’s scary, not really. There are moments where they have things happen to them, that if you were there it would be scary, but as you are someone watching happen to someone else it’s kind of a don’t believe this is happening. The only part I did find scary was the tent scene in which they chase after something that may or may not be there. I thought that was a cool moment. But I think what bothered me was how they were fighting about a map instead of you know following a river down stream that could possibly lead to a lake (didn’t you ever listen to TLC song “Waterfalls”) I get it they are lost there are going to be a lot of fighting. But there aren’t enough (in my opinion) moments of a Blair Witch. Yea you see a couple of moments of signs of her, but I feel most of those moments are short and not as intense as I wish it could of been. But I think if there were moments of yes something is following them, yes I saw something, maybe I would of loved this movie.

Then after the movie ended I really thought about it. This movie was only $60,000 dollars of a movie and it manged to make a lot of people think different about the way a movie can be made. Ground breaking yes, scary eeeeehhhh not really. But I do think it has elements of scare in it. Just didn’t show as much, which some may argue is the scary part of it (which I can see). So over all watch it for the word fuck in every sentence, and look into the backstory of the Blair Witch which is actually creepy. I do plan on reviewing Book of Shadows (the shit half assed squeal) and Blair Witch the 2016 movie that came out of no where. So next week I start Twilight month, pray for me.

[closseyc-blog]

The Time Machine (I found at a yard-sale)

Yes this is the real title to a movie. And if you think it sounds cool, well I thought the same thing. But as I got deeper into this movie, I realized only the title was the only thing cool about it. This movie is the most boring, terribly acted, worst special effects I’ve ever witnessed in my years on this earth (damn I need a shot of Fireball after that sentence). It took me TWO times to watch this movie. The first time I fell asleep, and realized at the last 10 mins of the movie that I had to try to re watch it (fuck me). So last night I did it, I stayed up and watched this whole movie, and it was painful, worse than an dentist appointment (it doesn’t matter what they do to me at the dentist worse than that).

So issue one that I first experienced the version I saw had the worst audio I’ve heard in a while, to the point where I had to turn my TV on full blast (don’t worry I remembered to turn it down after the movie was over). Then the first scenes of this movie happen at that yard sale in which Robert (which by the way I didn’t know his name until over 20 mins into this movie) purchase his “time machine”. This time machine you see only once, and it’s not that impressive looking. It reminded me a DJ’s mix table then it did a Time Machine. This movie has a big issue,  very long shots that don’t show anything and it drags. The first evidence of this is when Robert drinks orange juice for 2 mins. Yep that’s all he does, drinks that OJ. Nothing else happened in those two minutes (minutes of my life that are forever gone).  I believe this is why this movie just made it to an hour and a half.   

Robert after drinking his OJ decided to use this Time Machine to go 10,000 years into the future (geezz didn’t steal that from another story with a similar title). After five minutes of long shots of the woods to I guess show that yes this is the future, it’s the woods of Hollywood yes the FUTURE! And yes those five minutes don’t lead to anything, just him walking in the woods and shots of tree (if I wanted to see that I would just watch the NatGeo network). After five minutes of my life I will never get back again we run into our other main character She-Ba (not She-Ra from He-Man, because that would of been cool). They are the most boring couple I’ve seen since Fifty Shades of Grey. They have zero chemistry and I took me till the end of the movie to realize that they were a couple when they said they wanted to get married after a week of knowing each other, and believe me I’ll get to that in a minute. 

When Robert wants to go even more into the future She-Ba comes along for the ride. After going into the future even more, they find a spaceship and basically steal it to explore other planets. The first planet they go on has rocks and waterfalls in it, yea that’s basically it (yawn the future is boring so far). Then they go to worst CGI Dinosaur planet, no seriously this movie has the worst CGI. It’s like first graders asked a preschooler to ask a newborn to draw a dinosaur and that was what they came up with. It just moves it’s head and looks like it’s smiling because maybe he got a raise at work. It was one of the few times in the movie that I was like, I can see why this is a so  bad  it’s good movie. 

They later find out that on the ship that they stole, the man was suppose to be delivering something to somewhere because of a resistances. Yep it’s trying to be like Star Wars, they even go to a planet that looks like Tatoonie. They even go into a bar on this Tatoonie-wanna-be planet. There they watch a never ending belly dancing segment. But to give this movie credit, she does a good job dancing, best job in the movie by far. They discover that the ship owner had a mission and they have to go to another planet to get a bag of fake jewelry. There stolen ship is then blown up by I guess the Empire and they are like what are we going to do now. Yea for at least 4 minutes, they forgot they had a FUCKING TIME MACHINE. After those long 4 minutes that yes I will never get back. They get home and tell his mom and sister, oh yea I knew this girl for a week and we’re getting a married (just like a Disney movie). I can’t believe that any family in this planet will be cool with having a child say hey I just met her and this is crazy, but i’m going to marry her, here she is.  Like I said before they have zero chemistry. They don’t kiss, barley hug or show or say anything that proves that they care and love each other.    

This movie is by far the most boring movies I’ve seen in a long time. It does have really bad acting and the worst special effects I’ve seen in a long time. But it wasn’t even enjoyable. It took me two times to finish this. I wanted to like it in a so bad it’s good way, but I just couldn’t. Unless you’re high as a kite you might get a laugh but this movie gets a 4 1/2 Bottles of wine, you’ll be passed out before you even realize that yes that was two minutes of him drinking OJ. 

[closseyc-blog]

Double Down

So here I am reviewing the amazing Breen’s first movie, Double Down, and yet trying to tell you what this movie is about is just like all of his other movies, confusing. I mean this movie is what is the beginning of the Breen legacy, this is the start of his famous tropes .  And yet you see his thinking process through out this film (Which I’m guessing is a bunch of stock footage). If I were to say to someone, watch a Neil Breen movie, I probably don’t watch Double Down. It’s full of stock footage, repeats of footage that were shot, and editing that is at a poor level that I had to rewind a couple to try to understand what the hell was going on. 

So here’s what I understood about the movie (wish me luck as I down a glass of wine). Breen plays a secret agent, who is the best at what he does (of course). He is also the best hacker who has hacked into every computer and had control over all the nuclear weapons and wants to use it if cities don’t comply (though he says later on he hates the killing of innocent people).  He is also an assassin who is the best at it (I’m guessing) who uses anthrax to kill a person but yet he’s not effected by it. He’s a millionaire but donated his all of his money to charities who lives in a car in the middle of the desert and eats a shit ton of tuna  (take notes Trump). Oh and this man also won all of the medals, he proudly shows on his denim jacket. And side note he also invented how to become invisible and created a force field (so yea he’s better than Trump already, Breen 2020)

That’s a lot to take in I know but not to worry I wondered how Breen does all that too (all I can say is he’s amazing). I guess what you would say is the main plot is that his girlfriend/fiance (he goes back and forth calling her his girlfriend or his fiance) gets killed by I guess the government. First you think he’s screaming because he pulled his back out, but yea that’s I guess emotion coming out of Breen. Now I’m warning you if you watch this scene you will see something that you can’t be unseen. Breen’s ball sack. Yes after she gets killed, she floats in the pool and for some reason he does the same thing but he’s naked and you see his ass and if you want to look close enough, you see them (THE BALLS). Don’t worry I won’t post that picture but it’s on the internet for you to see if you like that sort of thing

Then it gets weird with having some spiritual symbolism. An old man falls on the rocks, Breen tries to “save” him, old man gives him a rock (it’s the magical rock another trope of his), Breen then uses the rock to save a girl with brain cancer, all while a heavenly chore singing of  Breen’s praises.  Yea this is the only time you’ll see the rock work it’s magic. He loses it later in one of his many cans of tuna.

This was the first time in a long time I had to re watch a movie to try to get as much information out this movie as I can. Mostly because this movie is bat shit insane when it comes to plot and trying to stay on that plot.  He’s planning on killing people with  anthrax, but first he has to kill people to get it. Then he wants to bring his girlfriend back to life with the rock. He then hacks into the computers and controls the satellites with his one of five laptops. He then tries kill a couple for some reason but he kills the wrong person. Then when he tries the kill the right couple they kill themselves because they knew he was coming. I got a headache trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.  

And yes let’s talk about the STOCK FOOTAGE or should say 50% of this movie’s making. There is a lot of it. Most of it shots of Las Vegas and space footage. It makes the movie looks fake because most of the footage looked like it was in a commercial or an 80′s TV show. You only use stock footage if you want to show that you are at a location that you either can’t shoot or are not at that location. But he clearly was in Vegas in most of the scenes he was in yet he still used stock footage to show he was in Vegas. I don’t get why he did that but I guess he didn’t have enough budget to shoot what he wanted. 

So you think I would hate this movie the most, FUCK NO! I loved it. Though I will say don’t try to understand what is going on. Just drink 4 Bottles of Wine, you laugh, you being confused, and most importantly you’ll be drunk.  

[closseyc-blog]

I Am Here....Now

Last week was suppose to be when I reviewed this movie, but life sometimes come with unexpected plans and yeah I had to take a day off. But I’m this week, so yay (for all the handful of people that read my blog, tell your loved ones that I can make their frown turn upside down). Last time I reviewed Neil Breen’s masterpiece Fateful Findings. A movie with so many plots that don’t go together and acting that made Paris Hilton look like an Oscar winner. With that being said, the movie is so enjoyable in a so bad it’s good kind of way. My mission is to spread the word about this man and his movies. Now time to introduce you to his next in a line of masterpieces, I Am Here....Now.

While the last movie had way too many plots that didn’t add up to much of anything, this movie has a plot but it doesn’t make a lick of sense. There is so much symbolism, so much. Like let’s talk about the opening scene, Neil (who is called “ The Being” in the movie) is wearing a white outfit,t here is crosses, and when he relives his wrist there are computer chips on them and it’s also on his chest (oh almost forgot there are plastic baby heads in the ground). He then turns from a human to a monkey in flash cuts. He then tells how the human have failed in taking care of earth, and how he gave them everything (he says that about ten times). So you think ok maybe he’s Jesus, but future Jesus because of the computer chips on his wrist, but he’s also a monkey. Yeah at this point I’m like what does this mean and I’m sure there is a point to this will be explained. Nope if you read my blog you know any bad movie explains nothing. 

Then one of Neil Breen’s movie trope shows up, the drug addict. Now it’s the middle of the desert, two people are in the back of a truck drinking, using heroin (the wrong way might I add, I’ve seen enough episodes of Intervention) and playing with a gun. Neil Breen shows up and they try to shot him, but then Neil Breen other trope, he is Jesus, and stops the bullet saying nothing can harm him. He then freezes them and somehow gets a car to drive to Las Vegas. So he has incredible powers, he can freeze people but he still needs to a car to get around, oh you see later that he appears out of no where, so seriously why the fuck do you need a car. And do you have a drivers licences? Does Future Jesus need that or does he let that slide? 

Anyways we meet one of our other main characters Cindy, who works for an Environmentally Energy. And here comes another trope, the government is evil!!  There is two evil workers who cut funding to Cindy’s program and she gets laid off.  She then talks to her sister Amber about her problems and says she needs a job so she can support her baby (which by the way is a baby doll, not a real baby. Must of ask a four year old to borrow it). Amber being the great loving sister that she is says become a stripper and a prostitute. Yes because if I ever lose my job that’s the first thing of what I want to do. So I guess Amber has a gang that she goes to for all her prostitute needs (This gang is made up of tough and not so tough guys). I guess they are now the official prostitutes of this gang.

Oh so I’m going to point this out now if you decide to watch the movie, you will hear the same male scream through out the whole movie, and the girls screaming is just so funny you’ll laugh. 

So we then see a bunch of EVIL business men cut off a man who I guess doesn’t like what evil things to the environment and they decide to cut up this guy. If you want to see a lot of blood being poured on the  and a bunch of fake body parts you’ll love that scene, We get it Neil they are evil and want to destroy the environment.

Out of no where, we see this man in a wheel chair goes to famous Las Vegas sign. A stupid guy purposefully (I say that because it’s in the script and it looks like he trying to do the scene and not you know act like it as accident) gets his foot run over. He then pushes the guy out of the wheel chair but don’t worry Neil Breen is here to save the day. He then makes the ass hole bleed out of his eye, helps the man up to his wheelchair and takes him to the sign because he has one month to live and that’s all he ever wanted to see (yes that’s in the movie).  Remember how I told you that Neil had magical powers well later in the movie he heals that man, makes him younger and forces him to marry Cindy and her fake baby. 

We also find out Amber also had a job with the environment and she also got laid off (why did she need to be a prostitute if she had a good job). Then she tells her boyfriend (yea he was never mentioned before that scene and you only see him for 5 mins after this) about losing her job and he decides to join the gang, and gets killed immediately. Of course Amber screams and throws up in the funniest way possible. I’ll post the scene in the link below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWGfheTCjzs

So after all that is said and done the gang thinks there is a snitch and beats up some random guy. Some of the members want him to stop and other love it. Then super Neil stops them, frees the guy getting beat up and takes Amber out of there. He then crucifies those evil business men. He tells Amber she’s free, she then wants him, they I guess sleep together, he turns back into a monkey and then he says he’s giving the humans one my chance or he will destroy us.

This movie, is well funny. I get he wants to send an environmentally message but I don’t get how you are doing it by saying The human’s are ruining it then showing us a gang killing people. He does say humans should be nice to one another but it’s mixed bag of  symbolism and not making sense plot. I just want Neil to show this to Trump and hope that maybe he’ll get the message and stop all that crap he’s doing ( Breen for 2020).

So overall I thought this movie was a good time, I think Fateful Findings was a little more enjoyable but not by much. The acting is just as bad, the plot isn’t too all over the place, and you have Breen in a monkey mask

Three Bottles of Wine to Enjoy this movie

[closseyc-blog]

Top 5 Movies I reviewed that I want to burn in 2016

We can all agree 2016 was a shitty year. For me it sucked balls. But one of the great things about 2016 was I started my blog. With that being said I watched a lot of shitty movies, and I want to say I will never watch again, and should never be seen by anyone ever in any year. So here are my top 5 movies I want to leave in 2016. And for the record it’s my lovely opinion and you liked any of these movies that's great, I couldn’t enjoy them but I'm glad you did. So here’s movies I will never see again and will burn.

5. Stalked By My Doctor

This movie was creepy, extremely creepy. While watching this I kept thinking oh Eric Roberts I believe you in this role. A doctor saves a teenagers life and then he becomes obsessed with her to the point of kidnapping her and forcing make out sessions with her. I tried watching the sequel to this movie but couldn't because it was the same movie. So for that I decided if they came up with another sequel to this movie I'm going to just say no. 

4. Avalanche Shark

Don’t be fooled by this cover, there is no machete fight against a decent looking shark. Instead you get a bad special effect filled, bullshit. Bad acting, mixed global warming messages, and stupid curse is why this movie is just... Awful and not in a good way.

3. Bad Sister

The worst of all the Lifetime movies I saw, you thought a doctor stalking a patient was creepy, try a late 20 year old stalking a high schooler who sings in YouTube video, murders a nun and pretends to be the murdered nun in order to get close to him. Yea it's uncomfortable, and I'm not catholic. The acting bad, the movie is predictable and I'm glad they never made a sequel to.

2. Jersey Shore Shark Attack 

Not only was this movie bad on every level, but it offended me. Being from New Jersey, I know there was a time period where the reality TV was super popular but this movie made it look worse. The acting, overdone, special effects were done by middle schoolers. I'm hoping no one watches this thinking this is how people from my state would react to a shark attack. Please let this movie just get eaten by a real shark.

1. Rubber

Never had I've seen a movie which I kept saying, can this please be over. A movie that says, this movie has no meaning, no back story and one of the stupidest ideas I've seen. My friend who told me to review this movie said that she regretted doing that, I don't blame her. She did this a warning to the masses to tell the world please don't watch this movie. This movie will burn like the Springfield Tire Fire. I will never watch this movie again

[starwars]

“Carrie holds such a special place in the hearts of everyone at Lucasfilm it is difficult to think of a world without her. She was Princess Leia to the world but a very special friend to all of us. She had an indomitable spirit, incredible wit, and a loving heart. Carrie also defined the female hero of our age over a generation ago. Her groundbreaking role as Princess Leia served as an inspiration of power and confidence for young girls everywhere. We will miss her dearly.” -Kathleen Kennedy http://www.starwars.com/news/carrie-fisher-our-princess-passes-away

[closseyc-blog]

Such a sad day... The force is always with you Carrie