c%l kid w not so c%l kins @clovercrows - Tumblr Blog

idk if my brain knos u can make frnds w/o falling in lov w them but also idk if my brain knos th dffrnce btwn rly wanna b frnds and developing crush so mb im not actlly crushing on evry1 i wanna b frnds w! who knos deffo not me

#lock life #good news is im startin 2 thnk i may b a lsbn again nd its making me happy #bad news is idk if itll last like probs not but who knos #i hope tht even if im like wait no im not a lsbn it wont b a big upsetting thng again #figring out identity stff is so hard

so like. 6m l8r nd i dont think i actlly was prepped fr the fllout but wtvr ig it’s an on/off cycle of ok to feel bad

unrelated 2 tht tho. i rly dnno where my identity is at rn nd it is strssfl, not 2 mntn im back 2 thnkin i might (genuinely) hav o/c/d, a/d/h/d, p/t/s/d, nd aut/ism nd like. slfdx makes me nrvus bc my brns like “ur just faking 4 attention n ur trivializing the strggles of ppl who actlly hav thos disrdrs”

n its like. but bro i am posting abt this on my blg w no fllwrs, i write abt it in plces ppl r not supposed 2 see

but u kno how brns are ig

#lock life #im big traumatized nd my brn is a nghtmre rllrcoastr #its a bad mntl hlth day if tht wasnt lready implied

still don’t kno if my frnd group is like 1 othr person rn or if the others r still on board bc 1 was like “it’s cool but i’m gonna need sum time 2 chill” which is cool nd valid but when their s/o dms me nd deletes the messages b4 i can read them nd i dont hear anythn frm them aftrwrds it’s like. hm. ok i guess just block me if u h8 me so much

also ‘m gettin rly paranoid lately? like. i got in trouble (rightly so) on anthr blog but it was 4 a fandom where the creators r like active on tumblr nd im like. what if the creators sent thos anons or sent ppl 2 send the anons

and ive been having nightmares abt people dogpiling on me whthr or not theyre sent by my old frnds nd idk i just rly feel like the world’s out 2 get me nd i kno better but i can’t stop it

#lock life #dnt even have kn stuff 2 talk abt like i wanted 2 #big suck

o also my frnd group might split nd it’s prtially my fault nd i know i havent been the best frnd nd that sucks bt it’s kinda been a roller coaster of “evrythin’s fine lock no worries we’re wrkin this out itll be ok :)” 2 “u did unfixable dmg and idk if we can evr be friends again” like back 2 back each time nd im like so tired nd confused???

like r we good or do we need 2 stop bein friends??? bc im prepared 2 deal w either outcome but the back n forth of it all is rly stressful for me nd probz not rly helpful to anyone nd id RLY just like 2 get this over w, like if u feel like it’s irreperable ok im rly sorry nd i hope life treats u well nd im sure we’ll all find more frnds who r better 4 us but if u think we can still be friends then like... lets work on it and say frndly stuff again instd of flippin back n forth between cool nd hostile

#lock life

one o my fave artists came out as being bi instd of a lesbian which is like congrats for her!!! im rly happy 4 her, it’s good 2 figure urself out! but that srt of thing always makes me question my identity evn more

which mayb isnt a big deal when i said id try on bein bi here again but it’s still like scary

#lock life #been feelin more masc lately 2 so idk what tht means but wtvr

tryin on being bi again on this blog... still unsure if im attracted 2 men nd if it’s just the trauma™ makin me scared or if it’s actually comphet... also im agender but im thinkin i might be like. a stellarian or novarian agender nd i dont think novarian or solarian r really compatible w the lesbian identity so uh yknow

who cares tho ig it’s the new year, great time to intricately contemplate who i am

#lock life #im gonna try 2 use this blog more nd talk abt my kin stuff more #instead of just complainin #but also i feel like none of my frnds get it™#nd i feel like some f em wld like trivialize my experiences #so wtvr #this is secret kin blg and vnty blog yknow

frnd who only dms me when she’s got prblms she wants free therapy 4 is dming me rn but like so far it seems like a normal convo w no sudden expecting me 2 be like emotionally smart

bt also technically she only dmed me bc she needed smth so like f yknow

#lock life #still waitin 4 the inevitable weight of her life 2 be thrown on2 me

hhh gd a server im in is mocking kn and fctionknfessions (the blog, w more syllables than i feel like addin) n like i feel like theyre makin fun of me n like in a way i guess they r even tho they dont know it n like

i rly like them normally theyre normally rly cool n fun 2 talk 2 but rn its like. theyre makin me feel crzy (i hate tht wrd but wtvr rn) like im out of my mind for believin in kn and having memries n stuff

like im not as focused on it as i used to be but like... given the tru nature of kn its a part of my identity and its so stupid tht im so anxious over this

#lock life #this is why i have a hard time saying kn stuff even to my kn friends

gd ok ths is the only blog i can fully exprss myself on nd as of posting i dnt have any folowrs but jst in case, smday, smone is on this blog like. if ur a minor can you pwease not read this, thnx

nyway i keep thnkn abt mchl sheen’s g/o plylst on sptfy nd how i wnna be ur dog is th first song n like. sir. what do u mean w this. wh. whose pov is ths sppsed to b??? sir???? as a g/o kin i hav my curiosities nd this puts my integrity on th line

#lock life #i am ofc the main dmn of the show #nd i gotta say.#if this is abt me.#idk i'll combust or smth

i’ll keep all my interests in here n then 1 day i’ll die

#lock life #sigh wish i weren't such a kin nerd #seein like what some ppl have 2 say abt a source like... eye roll #i mean like fans #bc it's like hmm can i trust u random strangers w gay? i dnt think so #esp seeing so many ppl from the shrlck fandom #... i nvr watched it ok i like the name #anyway #nd like?#idk bein kin is hard #and watchin the way some ppl overly praise stuff makes me like...#ugh. wack.#but like.#feeling like ppl hate my source (which im unfortunately probs hyprfxating on) is like #feels bad yknow #esp since like some of it is like valid but some of it is like...#ur rly just attacking it bc it's popular huh #i dnt think it's entirely bad just 2 like it?#esp if ur like acknowledging the flaws #idk i can't feel comfy seeing ppl posting abt it at all #pos or neg #smtms i wish i didn't like things #but then it's so hrrbl when depression makes u numb

if i had a good url in mind i cld run a go blg w another one of my mayb names and also if i were not a coward but unfrtntly i am a cowrd

#lock life #oh well

good news i decided to stay iding as a fmme but i still get the unsureness bc trauma nd im also unsure abt my ace identity so tht sucks

#lock life

posting art n hopin 4 feedback from my friends only 4 none of them 2 respond makes me feel like 1 of those sad clown images 😔 not a fan bc i don't rly like clowns

#lock life #oh well #feel bad 4 complaining 2

i swear im gonna post more kin stuff eventually but omg one of my mutuals who formerly idd as a nb lesbian then nb wlw bi is now iding is a nb mlm bi and im like super happy 4 him!!! but i used to have a crush on her and never rly sorted that out so now that im having my own identity crisis its like! super uh oh!

lol i swear this shldnt be this hard

#lock life #like btw this is going off his own tags on posts about herself #im not forcibly assigning stuff to him #and ofc! this isnt her fault! i dont wanna make it sound that way #but ah! between dreams and the fact that a lot of my projection is through nb gays?#n like sure #u cld b like Lock Ur Only Projecting Onto Characters Who Are Boys In Canon Bc They Tend To Be Written Bttr #which is an argument i use against myself #but also i project onto lots of gay ocs of mine #esp nb gays #to the point where my like vnt chrctr is a nb gay?#n he p much is jst my emotions?#but idk mayb thts internalized misogyny or smth #im like supr sleepy lol

why is it so hard to figure out if i wanna be a fe//mme or a twi//nk. tht dsnt even make sense. these r like opposites. do i like “women”? do i like “men”? do i like both? am i just neutral or none gnder w left masc? why am i literally havin such a hard time w this

#lock life #SIGH... TRYIN ON IDENTITIES ISN'T HELPIN EITHER.....#me: hewwo i would like to know exactly where i fit in the community #my trauma: no. perish.#smh

me @ me: don’t say dumb stuff

me, already typin smth: enjoy life or become collateral

#lock life #i'm feelin embarrassed ovr respondin 2 sm1 who isn't a mutual's post #whoops

“Who are you?”

“Who am I?” I dwelled on the question for a few brief moments. “Others in my situation would give you a laundry list of all of their best accomplishments, flourished with a dramatic reveal of their name, sometimes after a wall of titles bestowed upon them. In the end, I suppose that’s all I am too. A mile of empty achievements, but the name isn’t important. The feeling is, the heart of a person. I’m afraid I have none, however and so, simply put, I am nobody.”

#lock life #idk man a scene like this is playin in my head #srry fr the proper grammr n whtvr #i feel like this smtms tho #like. i'm just a bag of things othr ppl r proud of me 4 n like. idk. feels like m not a person smtms #idk dude thts just how it be smtms

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