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Debt: $9,500

It’s been a while. I’ve lived in two countries since my last update and then moved back to Canada. I’ve gotten married and been to my sister’s wedding, learned to snowboard and how to tattoo my friends. It’s hard to sum up all that has changed but I must say, I’m excited that this number is below 10k considering I have only been paying the minimum payments for the last 3 years.

I’ve spent the last few months really stressing about what I’m doing with my life. I’ve worked at a few cafes, now a tearoom, I’ve been a ski chalet host, a wedding photographer, a graphic designer, a retail employee. I’ve been putting extra pressure on myself to figure out what I’m doing-- I thought I’d be a photographer full time, then an ceramicist, then an illustrator, then a tattoo artist. Nothing sticks for very long. And perhaps there’s a reason for that; I’m not ready to make that decision. There’s still too many thing I’d like to do and I can still be all the things I love without having to pick just one.

All that being said, this is the year to pay off at least half of my remaining debt. At the minimum payments, I’ll pay off $2124 this year which seems ridiculous at $265 a month ($88 of that is interest). So my goal is to double that. Now, I’m only working part time at a tearoom and part time at a blueberry farm so that goal will be an interesting one to meet.

Funny how so much time and so many memories can occur but something as annoying as this debt stays constant. Anyone got a quick 9,500$ I can shoo this away with? No? Worth asking.

2019 return to ontario

Debt: $16,577.37

My debt has kind of been put on the backburner for the last few months and I’ll very likely just pay my monthly payments for this year. It seems that experience and travelling, playing and exploring are going to play a bit of a bigger role in my time over the pond than anything else. Having money accessible has become a bit more important than just seeing the numbers decrease.

For example, I got my tax return and while this time last year I put all that money towards my debt, it also meant I was kinda on the outs after I bought my van. Because I’m now working in the UK but still have to pay my loans via Canadian bank account, as well, it makes it easier to just set aside that money for monthly deductions. Basically, that means that come the end of the year if we wanna go to Thailand or when I visit my family, I’ll have savings for all that despite maybe only getting my debt down to 14k.

I’ve gotten myself a flexible caring job with a young woman who has cerebral palsy and then a slightly less flexible shitty little cafe job which has made the transition back to the working world a bit tricky. I forgot how much people love to talk about other people. I forgot how excruciating customers can be at times. I forgot how difficult it can be to make work fun. It’s all right but I’m looking forward to the day I can get back to a position where I’m helping people or creating genuine connections. The care work is wonderful and so meaningful, the cafe work I think is gonna get old real fast.

I’d really like to start up some photography courses on the island and want to devote a bit of time to planning that and setting it up for the summer. I have no clue what goes into it but like most other things, fake it ‘til ya make it. Somehow I have a knack for just jumping into shit I’m not 100% on and it usually works out sooooo... Here’s to saving money and moving forward? Yeah.

Debt: $17,014.71

Well, shucks.

There’s a whole bunch about living in the UK that I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve started some occasional work and gone for my NIN interview, so once I get a proper bank account I’ll be a fully functional member of British society.

What’s eating at my right now is the debt part. I’m currently not repaying anything back-- I’ve sat at 17k since June and with $88 of interest a month, it’s not going anywhere fast. February I’ll finally be down under 17k. The slow progress is agonizing and I don’t qualify for any assistance despite being “unemployed”. I can reduce my monthly payments, but that just means I’m paying less off. Not helpful.

It’s now been almost 3 years since I graduated university. I still have 88 months of student debt if I only pay the automatic monthly amount -- which is currently higher than it needs to be. 88 months. That’s 7.3 years.

I also had half my tuition paid for via scholarship for the first year. That’s 10 years of debt for a 4 year program, and I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m paying off my OSAP faster than most. Originally it was supposed to take 114 months to get rid of it all.

It makes it hard to feel like I’m making any progress, with that hanging over my head. Though, we’re still going to Germany in Feb. because I have some spare euros. Tom and I never ended up splitting the travel costs for Canada/Iceland so I’ve just been relying on him for paying for most things -- though it makes me feel vastly dependent and uneasy.

I am happy, despite all that. The island is lovely. I’ve met a million amazing people. I’ve got a meeting tomorrow to begin volunteering at the arts center. I’m working a job I never thought I’d find myself in. I still need time to create, but I have to make that time.

Debt: $17,366.26

Holy moly A ways to go but a good chunk bitten off!

Leaving Lake Louise has been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster, much like my arrival.

I struggled the last few weeks with many of my close friends here having gone back to Ontario to visit their families. Much like when I got here, I was alone and a little isolated. I went from counting the hours until my departure, to being a bit heartbroken, to being terrified of the new things to come, to pre-maturely missing all of my friends here, to finally (within the last 24 hours) being very ready to leave.

Most of my chronicles here have been debt updates and personal journeys. It’s been mostly about the discovery of my self and while I’m not quite there, I have grown immensely.

A year ago I was terrified of the idea of “acceptance” of others and starting my life over anew and today I’m terrified about a step further into the adult world-- moving myself to an entirely different country/continent.

It’s been 4 months of passport processes, much too long getting Thunder ready, and 11 months of waiting to see my significant other again. I’ll take my first proper road trip, put my Atlantic feet in the Pacific ocean, I’ll not only see but photograph the Boreal rainforest, I’ll fly home to Ontario by myself for the first time, I’ll travel somewhere further north than Edmonton finally, I’ll land in Europe, and I’ll have to set up a whole new bank account / cellphone / national insurance number.

What I’m realizing, more than anything in the last few months, is that it is easy to pick up and explore. Despite all the stresses of the processes and things that need to happen in order to make dreams become a reality, things are only as difficult as you make them. At the end of the day, it’s finally sinking in that I’m moving. I’m a bit stunned, to be honest.

On frugality

I’ve been making daily lists to get things done and it’s been so incredibly helpful. There’s a satisfaction in crossing everything off at the end of the day (I’ve only actually completed the list ONCE). The bed for Thunder is built (and it’s giant) and there’s just under two weeks to go. Time is going to start flying by.

It’s a bit shit because my best friend here is home visiting family and doesn’t get back until Nov. 5th. My roomie leaves in 4 days to go visit home, as well. So my last weeks in Lake Louise are much like they started; snowy, cold, emotionally exhausting and alone.

I have successfully and officially saved up 3k for travelling between our 3 week road trip, Iceland and the first few months in the UK. I am still incredibly nervous about money and having enough of it; I guess that’s how most of us feel most of the time. Though, Tom said something the other day that struck a big chord with me.

Paraphrasing, basically he said, “Don’t let the fear of spending too much stop you from doing things”. We were discussing Iceland and even the AirBnB listings are more than I anticipated. I remind myself not only am I more than capable of surviving without spending copious amounts, but I also have another person to somewhat rely on and if I am too concerned about spending money that I worked to save-- when do I start living?

Half the reason I came out to Lake Louise was because of my crippling student debt and a big part of that was paying it off... but if I was really more concerned with my debt than my experiences? I wouldn’t be much better off. I would have 10k more paid of my student loans, but I wouldn’t have Thunder or the adventures we have already had in her. I wouldn’t have gone up to Jasper on a whim and seen the most gorgeous sunset of my natural life. I wouldn’t have done a lot of things that, financially, weren’t the best option but total learning experiences (i.e. converting the van myself instead of buying one already complete).

Frugality is good and it’s hard, though I think the most important part about it is that it makes us consciously decide what we spend on. That means time, energy, and love.

I’m looking forward to all this new adventure has to offer, regardless of how much my savings dwindle!

It might be hard to say goodbye but nothing worth doing was ever easy! x

#lake louise

Things to get done

Pack everything to be mailed home

Mail out passport documents tomorrow

Measure out materials for van-bed

Build van-bed

Insulate the windows (suction cups/reflectix/blackout curtains)

Sort out travel insurance? (deliberating whether i need this before crossing the pond...)

Make a packing list

Wash and vacuum the van - get her travel ready

Trial pack!

Things to remember

We are all giant children looking to be loved and accepted.

We are all struggling with self love and self acceptance.

Be kind to those who are struggling, they are the ones that need it most.

This includes your self.

Insulation process

40 days to go!

Found a few solutions to some van issues I’ve been trying to solve.

Gonna get her oil changes, brake pads checked and an engine check done just to make sure the beast is good for the journey.

Picked up some velcro for the windows so that I can have removable insulation over the glass-- hoping this works well! Going to order some blackout curtains off amazon.

A bit on the fence about doing the plywood paneling, it’s a bit of extra effort but it doesn’t actually help with warmth just aesthetic really. Anyway, besides that i just need some cheapy supplies to build a bed and I think I’ll just throw a $30 foam topper on the platform n call it a day.

Starting to get things organized and figuring out what to send home before travelling. Budget time is near and I am focused on being as frugal as possible. Started rollies again and that should last me the rest of my travels-- also, much nicer to smoke.

I really want to buy the 24mm lens for my camera because I currently only have a 55-250mm which isn’t gonna be so great for travel photography. I can’t justify spending more than $200 on a lens at this point, budget-wise. I’m pretty stoked my parents are giving me the $300 it cost for a flight home when I get back and I’m gonna mooch food n stay as much as possible when I’m there for 3 weeks.

Haven’t even started to plan our days in Iceland, but an Air BNB should be cheap enough in the middle of winter in Reykjavik. I’ve heard public transit is pretty good too, which is coooool.

Getting antsy and excited and antsy and anxious and nervous and amped up and very very ready for the next adventure!

10 months to 6 weeks...

It’s a nervous, beautiful, butterflies-in-my-belly kind of thing to have not seen Tom in so long and suddenly it is so so soon until we get to share our lives.

I am excited for the stories we’ll have to tell each other, the real-time conversation, even just being able to do our own thing in the same room will be a treat. I am excited to get to know each other better, our idiosyncratic tendencies and mannerisms. I am even looking forward to the days where we are not our best selves and have to comfort one another.

I am stoked for Tom & Thunder to meet. I am very much looking forward to going west and putting my toes in the cold pacific. I daydream about the smell of salt in the air. My heart swells up to three times it’s normal size every time I think about all the books and songs and food we’ll be able to share. All the people to meet. All the places to see. All the memories to tell one another and all the new ones to create.

I am incredibly nervous for the mass amount of people that will suddenly become a large part in my life. I get a bit anxious with the idea, but as with moving to the middle of the Rockies, I remind myself that the fear and nerves are a good thing.

It’s something nerve wracking all together to move to another place I don’t know. To travel a bit on my own. To visit family and “home” before leaving again for an uncertain period of time. It will be hard to make that leap again after seeing my close loved ones; thank goodness Tom is meeting me at the Toronto airport to fly to Iceland. I think I’ll need the support, that’s for sure.

Everything went so so slow while we were counting the months until seeing each other again. Now, it simultaneously feels like forever and tomorrow. Just over a month left. I’m stoked to share so many days, adventures, people, places, things, coffees, breakfasts, beaches together. I’m stoked to have my soul mate back and to jump head first into the adventure-romance-nomad story that’s become my daily life.

My friend Maura told me, “You’re crazy,” and with a long pause she said, “But the kind of crazy they write novels about.” I think that was the best compliment I’ve ever been given.

on fear

I have a theory that because our capacity for compassion and our empathetic abilities peak at the age of 6, we are (more or less) all bigger versions of our child-selves. We all want to be loved and cared for, in one way or another.

Most importantly, we are all absolutely terrified in some respect, at some point, in our young adult lives. My two year old nephew has just discovered he is afraid of the dark and I feel much the same way about my debt.

I’m absolutely petrified at the idea of not working for 3 months or more. As long as I have been able to, I have been working-- that’s 9 years. I’m beyond excited for the days where I have nowhere to be at a particular time and a completely free schedule. I am not excited for the watchful eye I’ll have on my ever-dwindling savings.

48 days until Tom arrives. 5 more paychecks. Vacation pay to take care of my Visa. 2K in savings. $0 in my checking account at the moment. Just over 2k for Thunder to be added to my savings for being out of work. Reducing my cellphone bill to $35 from $70. I spent $90 on groceries this week and I’ll try to make them last over a month.

I’m excited to see new places and meet new people. I remind myself constantly not to let old anxieties or habits of paranoia sink deep. I am consistently reminded that I am able to depend on others, specifically my partner in crime. He has helped me move already, once before. He has a tendency to calm my anxious heart. Barely trying, he offers me more understanding and compassion than I have known from any other human. He inspires me to be independent, while we’re allowed to be co-dependent. 48 days. 48. Days. 7 weeks.

Second layer of insulation started today and hopefully finished this week. Paneling and a bed to be made and then the van is complete and I am beyond stoked to sleep in her and make her a home, even if only for a little while. Baby steps. A few people have asked me why I would work on her so much just to sell her, but she’s going to a good friend and at the end of the day I am learning so I can do it better next time.

I’m not sure what the future holds and there’s a bit of fear in that, but there’s too much at stake to let ourselves be afraid of uncertainty.

#kananaskis country #van life #van living #mountain culture #wandering

First night in Thunder Rose!

Last night we hauled all of the building supplies and extra junk out of the back of the van and stashed it all in my bud James’ room. We tossed 3 blankets, 2 pillows and a sleeping bag on the floor along with 4 bottles of water, a portable cooking stove (one of those small ones that just clip onto the propane), a pot, and enough food for a day or so.

We drove down the Bow Valley Parkway drinking cold black tea and chain smoking cigarettes listening to Angus and Julia Stone. We stopped in Canmore to pick up some lights for the van (my head lamp was dead) and then drove our way out of town, towards 40 South.

Driving through Kananaskis Country swelled up a sense of nostalgia in my heart and my eyes welled as the setting sun gently fell across the peaks of dozens of different mountains. A young spotted white tail deer foal looked at me with big black eyes as I slowed beside it, only for a moment.

The paper birch and aspen trees are already starting to turn in colour and we drove for what seemed like a long while until the sun turned pink on every surface and eventually disappeared below the distant ridges.

We drove all the way through Peter Lougheed Provincial Park before turning around and finding a nice quiet patch to park good ol’ Thunder. Her roaring engine settled in the brisk evening air and I made up a bed while half attempting to organize the abundance of crap in all the milk crates that slide around with every turn in the cargo area.

I learned how to use my cooking stove with a little trouble, but eventually made some rice with beans and garam masala (which we ate with a pencil and pen as chopsticks because I forgot cutlery). Then I busted out the strawberry rhubarb pie I’d kept a secret until then.

After supper and happily full bellies, James and I played ukulele and guitar and I hid my socked feet under the layers upon layers of blankets to try to warm them. It must’ve been zero degrees Celsius after 10pm. We smoked cigarettes in the cool light of the LED’s I’d stuck to the roof of the van and I read out of Kerouac’s Dharma Bums that Tom sent me last week. I read a couple poems of T.S. Eliot and then James tried to read to me from the Philosophy of Tolkien until the words sounded ridiculous and we laughed and settled.

The van is still not insulated so it was FREEZING cold and we put blankets over the windows and I tried to scrunch myself into as small a ball as possible.

We meant to wake for a 6am hike of Ptarmigan Cirque but slept through the alarm and instead woke late and slow and I made coffee with vanilla almond milk with the side door open. We drove to Barrier Lake, stopping here and there, and there I made oatmeal with cinnamon and apple on the beach and we ate it with a knife because it was all we had.

The mountains are funny in a way that you never feel you’re not at home and yet also feel completely vulnerable to your surroundings. Like a cold splash of water, it wakes you up in a way.

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