Since recently separating from my husband, I started seeing a therapist for the first time. She has me talking about all of my past serious love relationships, so we can figure out if there is some sort of pattern that I follow when picking a man.
We were on my 3rd most serious relationship when I found myself sharing some very intimate details about our lovemaking. Iām not sure she was quite ready for what I was about to tell her, and Iām not sure Bongo Java is either, but this is how it went:
Making Love to Kevin was like constantly being on a movie set. Of a porno.
It was our 3rd Valentineās Day together and my 143rd appearance as Barbara Streisand. Barbara was one of his favorite characters for me to portray.
My funny Valentine was an indie filmmaker and he carried his love for fantasy over into the bedroom. He couldnāt quite distinguish the real world from the perfect world of lights, camera, action. Donāt get me wrong I loved his imagination. The chance to escape into different worlds that Iād only dreamed about, plus knowing there was a good chance thereād be an orgasm before we wrapped didnāt hurt. Playing Barbara wasnāt so bad either, well, as long as it wasnāt Kevinās X-rated version of Little Orphan Annie: the slutty teenage years.
Things got pretty complex with our āproductions.ā So, when Kevin got tipsy one night off too many Amaretto sours, I knew it would be much more fun than usual; instead of spending 20 minutes setting up camera angles and lighting, it would probably only take 10 minutes. Kevin was NOT exactly what Iād call a spontaneous lover. Everything had to be meticulously planned from the positioning of my left thigh to the Academy Award like presentation of his penis.
There were moments during our sexcapades that I felt so unloved. It all felt fake, like we were hiding from real intimacy. Intimacy that regular couples shared. Stories I heard a girlfriend of mine tell about her boyfriend saying heād love her no matter what her breath smelled like or however much weight she gained. That he adored her imperfections. (stop, swoon to the audience)
That was another issue Kevin had. There could be not one off color smell, pimple or hair out of place. He had us trained to take showers before and immediately after any sexual activity. Again it had to be as far from reality as possible. God forbid you had gas it would traumatize him for days.
So anyway, here comes Kevin naked and greased up with baby oil. He said it made him ālook more ripped on cameraāAs he came close, I sang a few bars of āPoppa can You Hear Me.ā
I walked up the stairs to our apartment one night and I couldnāt help thinking about a couple I saw on the train.They were holding hands, something Kevin would never do because I get sweaty palms and that of course āgrossed him out.ā They really looked like they were in love. Laughing, giving each other small pecks. It was as if they were the only two people in the world and I longed to feel that.
Things with Kevin werenāt all bad though. We shared many laughs together, shared a love of science fiction, a love of old movies and of course trying new sex positions.
Still the question kept gnawing at me. Was I in a relationship with someone who was head over heels in love with me? Or just wanted my heels over my head? Was he even capable of this unconditional kind of love, I so wanted.
As soon as I got in the door Kevin was there with a devilish grin. Camera around his neck and commander Chakote costume on.
He said āItās Star Trek nightā and picked me up over his shoulder and led me to the closet.
We had a huge walk in closet where he kept his world of illusion.Or as I as I was starting to think his Chamber of denial. In the middle of the closet hung a disco ball with a Princess Leah doll hanging naked from it. TO the left were at least 50 wigs in every color and length you could imagine. To the right were over 100 costumes ranging from Marilyn Monroe to Beyonceās freakum dress.
Funny, Kevinās costumes only took up one small shelf, which consisted of your 5 most traditional male costumes: pirate, pimp, fireman, police officer and the cable guy.
I was getting more depressed by the minute and couldnāt deny any longer that I was enabling his behavior. I possibly was going to have to face the reality that Kevin and I didnāt have the relationship I wanted. Although we had been together for 4 years, I realized that he had no idea who I really was.
āCanāt we just be in the moment instead of on the good ship Voyager?ā I pleaded.
He thought for a second, and then said āI have an idea, letās jump in the shower together, weāll light candles and I will set up the black light.ā
āOkay!ā I said. Ignoring the black light part, I thought wow maybe he doesnāt need āthe showā this could be it, my moment to feel he really loves me for me.
I waited for about 25 minutes for him to set up the bathroom. I had nearly fallen asleep, but the minute I walked into the bathroom my heart filled with glee. There were candles, Seal was playing lightly in the background and of course the black light. Seal was particularly special because we saw him perform on our first date together. I could not believe it. How could this be so easy.The smell of the bubbles and the sultry music made me feel drunk with desire.
I was so immersed in the sensuality of the moment; I barely took notice that he had positioned us right in front of a mirror. The thought crossed my mind for a split second that he was setting up another āsceneā and not being in the momentālike I was and naively thought he was too.
I was in a world of pleasure when I started hearing Kevin say, āoh this looks so good yeah would you look at that Ass?ā
Before he nearly smashed my entire face into the wall, I realized he was getting off on the view of his own ass! His big muscular bulbous ass!
āKevin, what the Fuck!? I canāt believe you! You were watching your own fucking ass the whole time!ā
I then proceeded to do a little impersonation of him, which he of course loved because it was of himself.
āYou ASSHOLEā! I continued yelling. āI cannot believe I almost thought you actually wanted to please me for once, to make me feel wanted and sexy without your stupid goddam games.ā
āOh Come on, Coco why do you always have to be so sensitive?ā
That was it, this is ridiculous there is no future here for us.
āI hate you, Kevinā! I screamed on the top of my lungs. As I started throwing anything I could get my hands on at him: the toilet Brush, his stupid baby wipes that he used to wipe his delicate ass (what man uses Baby wipes anyway?).
I loved him so much that I just HATED HIM! What made it worse was that he was so sexy to me. Although sexiness to him was perfection, he was far from it.
He was of average height 5 foot nine, He had a clean-shaven head that he liked to call, ābald by choice.ā Even though he was definitely losing his hair. He had a beautifully muscular body, which would be covered in hair much like a wilder beast, except he shaved his entire body once a weekā¦on Thursday nights right after Wheel of Fortune.
But, he had a smile that could light up the night and he was funny as hell.
āIām sorry pleaseā I donāt know why Iām like thisā he said. He started kissing my neck and pressing himself against me.
I was falling for it, falling intoxicated again by him. I gave in to Kevin that night and we made love for one last time and I left him for good the very next morning.
About 8 months later Kevin had become a pretty well known guy in the indie film industry. I saw him on TV at red carpet premieres and in magazine interviews. I thought DAMN maybe I should have just worn those wigs and kept my mouth shut! I could be living it up with him right now!
Of course he had a new girlfriend who was 15 years younger than him and ME. But I didnāt stay bitter for longā¦ thanks to Kevin I auditioned for my community theatre as the lead role in Yentl. Well I didnāt actually audition, I mean, I did in my mind. Had I have worked up the nerve I would have nailed it. I do a fucking mean Babs impression, āPapa can you hear meā.... .
