COCSA SURVIVORS EXPERIENCE

Meir or Eden, he/they/it

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

This is a blog for people who have gone through COCSA (child on child sexual abuse) or suspect they have experienced it.

My main: @the-starfinder

My other blogs: @agenital-spectrum-culture-is @ambiguousgenitalia-culture-is @urethral-variations-culture-is and @this-is-bioessentialism

This is a place for people to discuss their experience, vent about it, ask questions, etc. It is important that I am not The Gatekeeper of The Experience, it's not my place to decide whether you've gone through COCSA or not. If you have questions about it, I can give you some navigation stemming from my opinion. But it is not my place to define your experience.

Difference kinds of bigotry, such as homophobia, intersexism, transphobia, exorsexism, aphobia, antisemitism, racism, ableism, saneism(yes, including cluster b stigmatisation, which i sadly need to specifiy), fatphobia, sexism, ageism, classism, and others, are prohibited and I am allowed to freely block and otherwise apply rules in the community.

It is not a confessional place for those who want to discuss their experience as perpetrators of COCSA while they specifically know they are perpetrators. While these discussions are important and there should be such spaces, this one is not for that. But if it is a situation where you feel you may have been a perpetrator, but you are not sure, feel free to send an ask. I may change the initial rule if it end ups complicating talking about their experience for others.

I have a right not to post an ask if I decide so for whatever reason.

I may not immediately post all the asks, but space them out or put in the queue for the next day(s), depending on how many asks I'll get. Don't worry if I don't post yours immediately while posting others. Yeah, as I've mentioned, there are asks that I may not post at all, but most of the time it's just in my drafts or in the queue waiting.

[profile design description: the avatar is a photo of a field of sunflowers - they have a big brown circle in the middle and yellow petals around, behind them there is a bright sunlight. there is no header. the profile background is yellow. the name is dark brown.]

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

I hate being cocsa survivor/victim not only because of all the pain it caused me and how impact my life forever, but also because seeing how people really downplay it. The family member that abused me for years did it with cruelty, he also bullied me a lot. We weren't really close at all, my parents just left us in the same house. He would show me videogames, but then he would go and continue to abuse me and my sister. Even when I was away from him, he would find ways to attack me. I feared him. He punched my lungs, and when I hit puberty, he made my life a hell. I was only 8 and he was 12-13. He wasn't the only one that abused me. But, for some reason, apparently he and other child perpetrators are the victims here, they are the ones that get all reassurance and support, about how they were "children too"... It really hurts me. Makes me feel as if I was a punchbag, a fucking toy to abuse and the discard meanwhile they get to move on like nothing happened, just used a damned toy and discarded it, it really makes me feel disgusted. My own parents don't really care neither, and they downplay it too. Like, I'm sorry but I just don't get it, and honestly, I don't want to. Even to this day, I mostly try to avoid talking about cocsa because I fear people thinking it was "just kids experimenting (as if it was consensual when it fucking wasn't)" and things like that...

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i'm sorry that happened to you.

to be the devil's advocate, before i agree with your overall point, some remarks. while there are genuine situations of kids experimenting(which can still end up being traumatic). and also cocsa coming from a lack of sex ed leading to not understanding boundaries, or from perpetrators experiencing previous csa from adults or cocsa. and also there is a necessity for perpetrators to talk about theur experiences, especially with complicated situations mentioned above, because it absolutely can help, e.g., create preventive measures for children. it should never come at the cost of putting the victims first and supporting them. like, it should be your first thought and motivation. and also even the situations i described above cannot be decided on without listening to the victim. and the argument "the are children too" doesn't work just by itself. your parents absolutely were the ones who failed you. and your experience matters.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

Im moving back home (financial reasons), and im worried bc apparently my assaulter has also moved back to his childhood home, only a few hundred feet from me. Idk how to cope knowing hes so close snd that i might have to see him again, even though it's been 20 years now. Idk, im just stressed and scared and wanted to vent

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i"m sorry that happened to you. also the timing is off now, but i still have things to say.

it doesn't really matter how much time passed - things like that can affect you your whole life. even more without a chance to process and heal at least partially.

if you can distance yourself form him, you are absolutely allowed to whatever is necessary for your well-being.

also, (unless you are already doing this), if it is available to you, i recommend you to find a support system like a therapist, trusted friends and/or family members.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

When I was a kid my brother once dry hump me. It’s not that bad, but I wonder it’s bad enough. My joints ache when I think about it too much, & I can’t stomach being around him or hearing his voice. I feel so bad about it, he didn’t do anything bad enough to cause me to feel this way, but can’t stop. Sometimes I wish worse had been done to me, just to be valid in my misery.

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i'm sorry that happened to you.

if it badly affects, then it is bad enough. there isn't someone kind of a requirement for cocsa to be traumatasing.

it is actually a pretty common thing for survivors of all kinds of traumatic moments and specifically abuse to think that the thing should've been worse to "deserve" the feelings, support, etc. because the brain just tends to invalidate everything. but it happens no matter what happened to you and it is not an indicator whether your experience is "bad enough".

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

I wanted to share that i spoke up about my abuse to my therapist last week.

He was super understanding and really helped me work through it.

One thing he said that stuck with me was,

There's nothing sexual about a child. Children can't consent or sometimes dont even know what they're doing.

I was a COCSA victim by my sister and my cousin. I don't forgive them and I won't but I know for the other instances, with friends neither of us were informed at all and neither of us could consent. Either of us could be the "perp" It can be mutual but still traumatizing because neither quite know what is going on.

I never expect forgiveness from anyone. But I have to live with myself still. I was the one who asked about it, but I was still confused uninformed and manipulated into it by my own abusers. I just hate so much that I didn't tell anyone, I could've saved so many other people from this.

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i'm sorry that happened to you. i'm glad yor therapist is good about it! and thank you for sharing. wish you the best in your healing journey! but i also would like to add that it is in way your fault or responsibility to tell anyone. yeah, it sucks that you couldn't. but you acted the way that seemed available to you.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

whenever people try to insinuate that i need to forgive my previous abuser (who didnt sexually assault me, but did make my sexual trauma worse.. its hard to explain) because we were "both teenagers" it makes me assume they also want me to forgive the person who sexually assaulted me as a child. i was around 8 and he was closer to 12 or 13. oh, but by their logic, since we were "both kids" i should forgive him too, right?? such a stupid argument. age doesnt excuse you abusing someone no matter the type of abuse, and your victim is not required to forgive you just because you were a certain age when the abuse happened.

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i'm sorry that happened to you. yeah, absolutely, forgiving someone or not is absolutely 100% your decision and not someone else's.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

I hate that ratfuck more than anything. I hate his sleazy face and his scratchy pubestache and his shitty music. I want him suffering more than I want him dead. He was supposed to be my best friend. He assaulted me so many fucking times that I can't remember what we would talk about. I don't remember when it started, but I couldn't have been older than 7. I confronted him and he denied EVERYTHING. He said he felt no remorse. I want him suffering. I want him in so much pain it hurts to sleep, to drink, to eat, to breathe. He only acknowledged the last of the assaults, when he forced me to blow him without once asking how I felt. I was never asked if I wanted him to touch me, he just did it. I hate him. I hate him more than anything. He said I wanted it. I wanted him to love me, I was a kid goddamn it! I remember crying in his bed more than any conversation we ever had. There is no good in that man anymore. There may never have been. I tried to see it so many times and I will not make that mistake again. I do not blame a younger me for wanting to be loved by him. She did not know better, truly. But he knew it was wrong, why else would it have been a secret? I hope he rots slowly while he is still alive. I hope the rot takes a month before it devours him entirely, leaving nothing behind but the rotting remains of what he once was.

I found his shitty music and he made some song about how he "wants blonde girls that don't want me" and it took EVERYTHING in me not to comment "oh like the girl you molested?" I need that fucker dead.

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i can't add much as i see at as more of vent, but i am sorry that happened to you.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

Thank you for making this blog. I am truly grateful to be able to read through different survivor stories since I've been keeping this in my chest for years.

I don't always remember the the events fully, but they flash back like some nightmare I wish I could forget. What's even worse was the aftermath that followed. When I tried to stop him from taking advantage of me by telling my parents, it blew up as this whole family drama about how we were somehow both at fault because I was "asking for it". I didn't understand what coercion was and how it was also another form of SA/rape, but I was made to feel guilty for "enjoying it" when it turns out to just be another form of coping mechanism for victims. It took even more time to remember how he basically normalized it by fondling me in uncomfortable places and telling me shit about his sex life that no family member should know.

Honestly it ruined me, it still does to this day. I can't tell difference between what's real or what's fake. I go back and forth between blaming myself and hating him for what he did to me. I trusted him because he was family, but he used me and preyed on my lack of boundaries during that time. Once I was no longer a source for his sick sick depravity, he threw me out, made me feel like a bitch for finally saying no. I just wanted a friend after going through a lot of toxic relationships during that time. But now I'm just left with lingering questions, with no way to receive any closure for it. Were they right? That I was never a victim? Was I just better off never saying anything at all? Is anyone ever going to believe me ever again?

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i'm sorry that happened to you.

what happened to you is terrible. and no, they were not right, they absolutely failed you and were complicit in the situation. you were very brave for sharing what happend and you were very brave for saying no(though, of course, it's not your fault you couldn't before). you are not the one to blame. if it helps in any way, i believe you.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

So... this is my first time ever talking about it...

When I was little- like, somewhere between 6-8, I would stay at my cousin's house. They weren't really my cousins by blood, they were on my step-dad's side. I don't really know everything that happened, but I know I remember my male cousin threatening to tell their parents if I didn't keep it up after the first time. I don't think that first time really counted. But they're both younger then me, so maybe it isn't actually sa... I remember there was one time he did tell his dad about me touching my girl cousin's chest when she asked. But I still don't remember much. This probably doesn't count, but it makes me feel gross and weird, so maybe it does? And I have a mental disability, so maybe that changes things too?

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i'm sorry that happened to you. if it bothers you, then it counts. amd that also included clear coercion. (it would counted without this too, but just to note an extra super obvious sign.)

it happens with post-traumatic stuff, that you don't have memories or some of the memories + it's a young age.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

My childhood friend is staying over for the next few weeks and I feel horrible, we had a sexual relationship very young and I just can't stop hating myself for it. I thought it was normal because my cousin started it with me when I was 4. And I was curious and started doing it to my friend too.

I feel even worse because I forgot about it for so long and I only recently realized what happend and the fact I was a perpetrator.

I just hate myself so much... I don't want to make it worse for him I've just been avoiding him. I spoke to him twice.

Is it selfish to avoid him or selfish to want to talk about it? I don't know who to talk to, or what to do? I'm just so scared, I feel like I should die..

I'm so sorry. I hate myself

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

firstly, i'm sorry ot happened to you. secondly, i know i am late with the timing though you can later share how ot went of you want. but there are still things to say.

while i understand your feelings and not saying this on way of "juat stop doing it", what happened isn't something that makes it deserved to hate yourself in any way. i absolutely cannot say anything about you being the perpetrator or the other person's feeling about it. it is about how messed up things were and how it affected you and how you just could not understand healthy boundaries.

i don't think any of the options are inherently selfosh as it is difficult to know what is going know in his head. try to think about what's okay for you. and if you are willing to talk to him, just ket him decide for himself. if you don't want to, you don't have to.

you absolutely don't deserve to die because of that. if you can get a therapist, it would be a good thing. maybe you have very trusted friends. if you need to talk anywhere, you can send more asks or dm me.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

Lol my school would just punish me if I ever mentioned that boy had molested me. My father forced us to be friends and told everyone it was fine.

I'd feel weirdly contaminated, like even touching a jacket he touched would cover me in horrific germs. It was so weird.

Mostly I just punish myself for putting myself in that situation even tho I was like 8 or something. Idk, I lied when the adults asked me about it because I had no idea what was going on and I was scared but it didnt matter cuz id still constantly get in trouble for being upset anyway

Im sorry if my tone is wrong I just hate myself a lot and I did the wrong thing anyway. Its just. It didnt matter? At all. To anyone. They just never spoke of it again and that was 'dealt with' even though we were still in the same class everyday. I was just a bad child for being upset at him.

Im sorry, I dont talk about this ever.

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i'm sorry that happened to you. you are not in any way in fault for what happened to you. it was his doing and it were the adult who failed you. you are not bad in any way. i hear yoyand i support you and you deserve space to heal.

if you ever need space to talk about it, feel free to do it here in asks or dms.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

Cocsa culture is having really mixed feelings on your abusers because you know damn well kids don't do that unless something's wrong.

Idk it's uncomfortable and I don't see people talking about it much but imo it should be

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i would say that i's pretty complicated. it depends on many things. e.g., age and general, like, natural reaction to sexual stuff. because, yeah, it is common for things like that to come from bad situations, especially at a younger age. but even at a younger age children can already have an exploration phase and project it onto other children. also, cocsa in different contexts are considered having different age limits, but they anyway include ones where sexual exploration is already a very common thing. and while some of the abuse is violent, a lot of it among cocsa, especially at a younger age, is about a lack of understanding of sexual boundaries, which comes from very poor sex ed.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

i experienced cocsa from my brother. but he was just a kid, and i just really processed this memories recently but i don’t want him to get in trouble, he was only like 13. idk what to do i haven’t told anyone but i have always felt there was something (and my psychiatrist also said so) that we felt there was something missing in my diagnosis. and all the things that missed the mark before are completed with the symptoms of what happens after cocsa. idk what to do.

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i'm sorry that happened to you. well, "he was just a kid", especially at 13, is a bit questionable, and he is still responsible for what happened.

unfortunately, i can't really tell you what to do or give any sound advice at all as i don't know details of your life. all i know is that you definitely need time to deeply process everything, work on coping mechanisms if you haven't before(which goes before processing memories, though if you've already been in therapy you may have been doing it, i'm saying just in case). if you have trusted friends, i recommend you to try to talk to them about it. support system is very important and it's amazing if it can go beyond professionals.

but whether you decide to keep it to yourself or share it with your family(i can guess that's what you mean by getting him in trouble? as not many legal systems would take the case seriously), both options, for the lack of a better word, would be valid.

if you ever need to talk, send me an ask or dm me.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

Are there any blogs like this that aren't just for victims? I don't feel safe talking about what I did in real life and I don't want to invade spaces for victims

Sorry if this breaks the rules, you can delete this if you want.

(sorry about the huge delay, i am finally going through a shit ton of asks, i hope you, anon, will see the post)

i don't know specific places like that. i honestly thought about whether i should i have the exclusionary rule or not. especially because ot can be very complicated or people can be both victims and perpetrators throughout their lives.

if you want, you can dm me or send an ask. but with an ask i don't know if i'll post it or not.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

there are quite a few asks in the inbox that habe been sent during the last couple of months i wasn't posting, so i will be slowly answering. unlike my other blogs, each post on this one takes a long time to process and find the right words. i am not sure if all the asks are still relevant, but i am gonna amswer them all anyway.

[the-starfinder]

sorry about not posting for a while, i'm gonna go through the asks in all the blogs as soon as i can.

[cocsa-survivors-experience]

I don't even know where to start...

I don't remember the first time it happend but I remember the last. I think I was 8 years old. It started how it always did with my cousin coming over to visit and us playing together, eventually he asked the same question as everytime, I don't even know what the game was called anymore but it was a stupid excuse. We would go into my room and on the top bunk bed where he would hug me and rub his crotch against mine. We never got naked together and I know that doesn't mean it wasn't assault but it just makes me feel worse because of how curious it made me as a child. Being a hypersexual child when you don't even know what sex is was so confusing, I was addicted to this pleasure and had no idea why or what it even was

i'm sorry this happened to you.

you are not in any way at fault for what happened and for experiencing pleasure. it is the thing i said before of how age appropriate sex education is incredibly important. you just felt something pleasurable, but you didn't understand what it was or how it would affect you. in no way it implies an informed consent(both from the age and the lack of knowledge).

there are many things that children may enjoy without understanding how harmful it is if no one tells them. and the sexualised part is especially difficult, because it is specifically not talked about enough and is related to shame and stuff. and at the same time the problem gets worse because of natural childhood curiosity that most children have.

so, the most important part is how it affected and affects you. and i wish you well in getting through this.