hot nb mess

ACTIVE JAN 2023• 5'2" ugw: 88 lbs gw1: 116 lbs gw2: 110 lbs gw3: 100 lbs• anorexia relapse, ah shitl• [they/them]{PRO-RECOVERY} (TW)

[skinnyinbeige]

this is the weight loss hamster!

now that you‘ve come across it, you‘re going to lose a lot of weight by the end of this month.

Reblog to activate✨

[coffee4relapses]

fuck it.

[backonthisanashapedcrack]

my weight really be like ↗↘↗↘↗↘↗↘↗↗↘↗↗↗↗↗↗↘↘

[coffee4relapses]

I still can't believe I've been diagnosed with anorexia, it just doesn't feel real, i don't feel valid, not even with my diagnosis

[coffee4relapses]

tengo la graduación en 2 días y necesito adelgazar muchísimo así que mi plan para tan poco tiempo está siendo lo siguiente; hoy ya casi es de noche y ya he cumplido con mis obligaciones, pero aún me queda:

(iré actualizando el post poniendo un ✅ en las cosas que ya haya hecho)

hoy

-no desayunar ✅

-caminar por la mañana✅

-caminar por la tarde✅

-no comerme los platos enteros✅

-no snacks ni postres✅

-dos tés verdes ✅

-bajar al perro ✅

-cenar muy poco✅

-beber agua con limón✅

-hacer rutina de piernas✅

-hacer mínimo 50 sentadillas y 30 abdominales✅

-tomar té laxante✅

mañana

- madrugar e irme al cementerio a ver a mi abuelo

- tomar un café cargado (no tomar lorazepam)

- comprar tabaco y chicles

- volver andando y buscar camiseta rejilla

- ir a la peluquería a teñirme

- volver a casa subiendo por las escaleras

- comer poco

-beber agua con limón

- tomar un té antes de comer y después de comer

- hacer rutina de piernas

- hacer mínimo 50 sentadillas y 30 abdominales

- tomar té laxante

[coffee4relapses]

primer día completo, ahora a ducharme y a dormir

[lostallbraincells]

“Anorexia doesn’t mean that you don’t eat. We all would be dead by now.

Anorexia means that every time you eat, you suddenly feel fatter.

Anorexia means that every time you eat, you feel a voice in your head that says “you should’t have eaten that”.

Anorexia means that every time you see someone skinny you feel like dying.

Anorexia means wanting to weigh yourself every hour just to see the numbers going down down down.

Anorexia means wanting to weigh yourself but being afraid to because you know you shouldn’t have eaten that piece of cake yesterday.

THIS IS ANOREXIA. So please, if you don’t know anything about it, don’t come to me with your bullshit, because I don’t wanna hear any of that. “

- sum random ana blogger

[coffee4relapses]

tengo la graduación en 2 días y necesito adelgazar muchísimo así que mi plan para tan poco tiempo está siendo lo siguiente; hoy ya casi es de noche y ya he cumplido con mis obligaciones, pero aún me queda:

(iré actualizando el post poniendo un ✅ en las cosas que ya haya hecho)

hoy

-no desayunar ✅

-caminar por la mañana✅

-caminar por la tarde✅

-no comerme los platos enteros✅

-no snacks ni postres✅

-dos tés verdes ✅

-bajar al perro ✅

-cenar muy poco✅

-beber agua con limón✅

-hacer rutina de piernas✅

-hacer mínimo 50 sentadillas y 30 abdominales✅

-tomar té laxante✅

mañana

- madrugar e irme al cementerio a ver a mi abuelo ✅

- tomar un café cargado (no tomar lorazepam)✅

- volver andando✅

- ir a la peluquería a teñirme✅

- volver a casa subiendo por las escaleras ✅

- comer poco✅

-beber agua con limón✅

- tomar un té antes de comer y después de comer ✅

- hacer rutina de piernas

- hacer mínimo 50 sentadillas y 30 abdominales

- tomar té laxante

[coffee4relapses]

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry for all the things I've done and I'm going to do tonight

[coffee4relapses]

my boyfriend just told me that I look skinnier and though he's extremely worried I couldn't help but feel proud of myself for restricting these days

[coffee4relapses]

so here we are, one year and a half after I started my torturous decline into this hell of an eating disorder.

I sure have lost many pounds, but along with it I've lost my friends and family's trust, and gained a painful amount of fear from them as well as guilt and remorse.

The bigger the problem gets the lower my self-esteem goes, and the lower it goes, the bigger my body dysmorphia gets. I just become more careless about my loved ones and me, even though I'm the person I hate the most. I hold so much angst and frustration towards myself it's driving me insane. And so it's been long before all this pile of shit crushed me to crumbs.

I'm just so lost at this point. my family already knows about this, my friends, my boyfriend... I'm even going to therapy for this (amongst other reasons). But i can't stop it. i don't feel ready to recover yet. even though my BMI says I'm underweight, even though my boyfriend sometimes cries when he sees me naked, and my therapists tell me that I'm really close to being hospitalized. Even with all those indicators, i don't feel remotely close to being at a dangerous point.

The only thing i see when I look in the mirror is a fat blob that still needs to lose twice the weight I've already lost. I can only keep doing it until I'm worthy of being considered «sick enough». by me, and only me. because I can't believe anyone who tells me that I'm thin. I just can't. I can only think that they're exaggerating what my body looks to them because they're worried and want me to be healthier. But i don't think they actually see me slim at all.

this is a battle against myself and I know that, but i just feel like I must continue with all the restriction, the lies, the endless hours of walking to burn the calories i meticulously count every time I eat... The control. i need that control. i don't care if it sends me to the hospital or even the grave. after all, I've come to a point where I am so lost and miserable that I wouldn't even mind dying. I guess I'm just bringing myself to a slow, painful death.

i know my loved ones would be so deeply disappointed with me if they ever got to read this, but it's just my sick mind talking, not the rational me. I'm sorry for all this fucking mess. I'm sorry for this fucking black hole I slipped into and bringing you with me down there. i don't know if I'll ever be able to get out of it, it just keeps getting deeper and darker. I'm starting to surrender to it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never meant to cause any harm because of this to anyone but me.

[nicotineninja]

[relapsedwannabebones]

How to stay alive with an Eating Disorder

[coffee4relapses]

just one more big relapse i swear

[coffee4relapses]

i just deserve nothing but the worst for being this inconstant, i need to fucking stop eating for good. i hate myself so much i swear. my mom threw away the scale last week after one of our worst fights and I'm going insane.

[coffee4relapses]

i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i must get thinner i

[coffee4relapses]

i just want to get worse. i want to get the worst possible. i need it. i need to reach my lowest before i'm worthy of getting help.

[coffee4relapses]

you are the angel i couldn't kill