thoughts, yet never prayers

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡ hello, i'm opal!

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡ welcome to my sad sapphic poetry blog where i lament the metaphorical death of my lover. the majority of the things written here will be about a girl i'm gonna just call "violet" for the purposes of this blog. what is written here will be dramatic and will be cringe, just as a warning. i like to use a lot or religious/christian symbolism in my writing but i am very atheistic, just as a disclaimer. ill try to post and write as consistently as possible but my writing is dependent on my current thoughts and feelings so it may be intermittent and sporadic. ｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡ tags i use for my stuff; ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ opal's favs ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ - my favorite poems i've written ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ vi's tragedy ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ - relating to violet/poetry about violet ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ opal's sorrow ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ - relating to self/harm or personal struggle ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ misc ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ - miscellaneous/other poetry ｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

happy reading, everyone. ｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Catch Up

and i’m falling behind in games i don’t want to play

i’m telling myself that i’ll heal someday

i’ll wake up and find that all my problems have been solved

and i’ll run to my lover and profess that my soul has evolved

but until then I shall sit and wait

and hope that time can change my fate

the cosmic watchmaker to set me right

and allow me to engage in dances of the night

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Virginia Bluebells

i can only exist in the space between breaths, in the time between heartbeats

i live in what is inside out and in between: the silence in the forest under nightfall and the distance between passing strangers on the street

i am cursed to forever float just beyond your fingertips, fully in view but just beyond your grasp and always out of reach

cherish it while it lasts, for to hold is to capture is to cage

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Untitled

with my blade, i will carve wings

from the flesh and bone of my back

and fly myself out of here

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Alive?

i never look both ways

when i am crossing the street.

my foot lands on the pavement

i keep my head down, and walk.

i don’t actively want to die.

it’s less of an attempt

and more of a question.

“god, is it time yet?”

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Untitled

my darling,

if you are poison to yourself

how could you ever be good to me?

i will not down the bottle

just to meet you in the afterlife.

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Untitled “i love you” words ring hollow. you don’t even know what love means. you do not love me. you are infatuated. addicted, maybe. you love your high. you crave what i give you. you feed on the attention. you need to feel worthy. not love. never with me. you love the idea of what i can provide, not my soul, not my mind. you know nothing of my heart. i am the one who loved. i sacrificed myself. i gave up my humanity to better support you. i adored your humor, your wit, and the way you smile. that thing you do when you laugh. i could fill pages and pages. you wonder if you will ever feel loved. and i wonder if you will ever be able to love. your love stings, sears with what is missing. you need me for yourself. i love you just because.

[jellymaple]

This physically hurts ;-;

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

sorry 😣

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Untitled i wear layers of bandages. tightly wrapped, perfect pressure. i check on them as needed, and re-dress them when i’m done. Her scars she shows freely. She lets the kiss of fresh air heal the wounds She collects. a trust in Her surroundings. “unburden your heart, let the world heal your many cuts and burns”, She tells me. i gently unwrap my bandages. just one, i let one scar show. and the rest of my covers come undone. it falls down and She sees what i am. my freshly healed scars reopen, blistering and bubbling, black and blue. they become infected and begin to rot. She cannot believe what She sees.

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Untitled you could never love me. you cannot even comprehend what love really means. love is a want, but you are starved. you only know need. love for me is a choice. i choose you. you love me because i am here, not because i am me.

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Untitled “i love you” words ring hollow. you don’t even know what love means. you do not love me. you are infatuated. addicted, maybe. you love your high. you crave what i give you. you feed on the attention. you need to feel worthy. not love. never with me. you love the idea of what i can provide, not my soul, not my mind. you know nothing of my heart. i am the one who loved. i sacrificed myself. i gave up my humanity to better support you. i adored your humor, your wit, and the way you smile. that thing you do when you laugh. i could fill pages and pages. you wonder if you will ever feel loved. and i wonder if you will ever be able to love. your love stings, sears with what is missing. you need me for yourself. i love you just because.

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Portraits i retreat to my room, her words rest heavy on my shoulders, i slump. careful footsteps to the box on my shelf, as i pull out my brush. my comfort in my hand. i prepare my canvas, an off white base. perfect for the piece i intend to create. i hold my tool strong in my shaking hand, quick strokes remain stable. thin, graceful lines. red is my favorite color, i paint with it the most. rage, guilt, mortality, red is the color of humanity. i draw out my feelings with careful placement. intentional and deliberate. no going back. i finish my work. my life bleeds onto the canvas, my burden relieved. i step back and admire what i have drawn out, parts of my very soul. it drips onto my floor. i quickly cover my canvas, hide it from the world. they cannot be let to see what i create, alone, in my room. i place my brush back into the box where it resides. i step out of my studio, my head clear, my heart released. a sharp feeling, i look down on my skin. leftover paint, dried on my wrist. i quickly pull down my sleeve.

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Untitled whenever i miss Her, i sit by the ocean. in, out, in, out. She reminds me of the tides.

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Sirens holy words roll off Her tongue, a mimicry of my lord's law. the breath She whispers fans my neck, i can feel myself falling to sin. hollow are the words She speaks, devoid of any real truth. but the pleasure that they give me to hear, outweighs my hesitation. won’t you say those sweet words to me, sing your siren song. and when i hear Her breath in whispers my faith is long, long gone.

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Bonfire She burns brightly for Her own entertainment. She lights Herself up, and dances with the flames. Her own self destruction, is where she finds Her purpose. A lethal dance, with sparks and embers, prickling those who approach. A magnificent light, with hues I had never imagined. A dramatic and temporary display. Her existence is a slow death, using up Her body, all for mindless hedonism. I have tried to smother the flames, to keep the core of Her alive. But She burns regardless, brightly and without regard for the ash She will become.

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Orpheus and Eurydice just when i think i have Her back, you come along, and pull Her out of my grasp. you drag Her down, i hear Her screams. she meets my eyes She begs to be saved, but i cannot meet Her eyes. for i am not Her savior. not anymore. i cannot send myself to hell in the hopes of pulling Her out. She must fight you alone.

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Holy? i am not a god, merely human. and yet i hear Her prayers. not from Her words, but Her heart does scream. She prays to me, confesses Her darkest secrets, words of holy whisper, not meant for my ears. for i am not a god, i have no power here. i cannot change Her fate, but i see it clearly still.

[cogito-ergo-sum-iii]

Who can You be? when i look into your eyes, i see Her staring back, the depth of Her hidden soul. when i talk to you i delude myself, believing i am talking to my dearest. just when i think i have Her back, for a moment i forget Her death, and see my love before me. only for Her to disappear when i see it’s only you, standing over Her body.