Cola

[cola6488]

Trapped not only in body but in mind and soul. How are we supposed to survive, to succeed? How are we supposed to have hope when the world automatically writes us off? At a crossroad. Stuck between childhood and adulthood. We only have a few years of pure innocence. Seen as grown men and women at the age of ten. Come into the world with it stacked against us. The traumas of our ancestors embedded in our DNA. Shackles of slavery bonding us systematically. The closer we get to uncoiling the chains the tighter they cling to the fabrics we are trying to demolish. Society: JUDGE, JURY, and EXECUTIONER. Guilty even when proven innocent. Six feet deep and we’re still put on trial. Kendrick Johnson rolled in a mat with no organs and still ain’t ruled a homicide. Case closed. The forgotten. The unseen. Ghetto while educated. 14th Amendment is a smoke screen. Set free but still in captivity. Constitution a wolf in sheep skin. A fragmented system. Impaired and imprisoned by the unjust and outdated laws of a false democracy. America The Great , bitch where? Many flesh eating parasites (Politicians) running the country. Bonded by the lies and hypocrisies of religion. A sin is a sin is a sin but society picks and choose. Stone the gays, police a woman’s body but pedophiles and murders get off easy. How twisted is that? Crooked systems are meant to be demolished, to be updated. We’re the antivirus. Now process that.

[cola6488]

Grand Rising,

This year is about relief, recharge, and inner discovery. I want a deeper understanding of self. Doing the things that put me in a tranquil headspace even if and when others don’t understand it. I will continue to create the Goddess that resides within me. To relinquish any doubts, insecurities, and fears. To rediscover me. Find myself as my own entity without the pressures and expectations from family, friends, and society. I want to fully let my guard down. Be free in mind, body, soul and spirit. Shedding any and all hindrances and inhibitions. I’m ready to expand my family. I WILL GET PREGNANT THIS YEAR. More money will fall into my lap. This year I will be prosperous. I refuse to let anyone steal my joy or disturb my peace. Nobody will take me out of my element. I will command my space. Along with growth and healing remember to give myself time for integration. Meaning allowing shit to settle even when it looks like doing nothing.

Thatz Peace

[cola6488]

Looking To 2022

2022 Goals

❖ Wake up earlier

❖ Morning meditation

❖ Exercise at least three times a week

❖ Journal at least three times a week

❖ Eat breakfast

❖ Cook more

❖ Work on not shutting down

❖ Self care Sundays

❖ Be intentional in my happiness

❖ Pause, Reflect, and Rest where I need to

❖ Be more vocal about my wants and needs sexually

❖ Improve my relationships

❖ Hold myself accountable

❖ Set boundaries

❖ Discipline myself in love

❖ Write

2022 Affirmations

◇ I am committed to protecting my energy

◇ I am capable of achieving my goals

◇ I am choosing joy, creativity, and serenity

◇ I am worthy of success and abundance

◇ I am safe to be my authentic self

◇ I am open to new experiences and ideas

◇ I am always looking forward for new ways to grow and evolve as a person

◇ Everything will align perfectly for me

◇ I am the best source of my motivation

◇ I connect daily with my soul through unconditional love

◇ My grown is not a destroyer

◇ I choose to listen to my own needs

◇ I will always have and always hold the power to create my own reality

◇ I am in control

◇ I release all negativity and stress from my life

◇ I will not settle for less than the best from myself or others

◇ I am comfortable saying no as a complete sentence

◇ I am no longer accepting the things I can not change and changing the things I can not accept

◇ Be bad ass every day

◇ Each day be grateful for how loved I am and how much people care about me

◇ I nourish my body with healthy thoughts everyday

◇ I allow my intuition to guide me

◇ Don’t be afraid to be big in little spaces

◇ I surround myself with people who speak life into me. Everyone else can miss me

◇ Each step takes me closer to my dreams

◇ Ask, Believe, Conceive

◇ Embrace my truth and authenticity

◇ Negativity....Blocked

Self Doubt....Nah

Passion...Endless

Purpose...Clear

I’m bout to kill it

Permission Granted

Giving myself permission to love the way I love. Finding peace in my heart to let go of the past and all the choices I made when I didn’t know or have the insight that I have today. Giving myself permission to not be hard on myself. Summoning the strength to fight my battles. Believing in myself is the greatest purpose of my life. I’ve been through things people don’t even know about. Experienced things that have shook me, changed me, and broke me. But has also built me. Giving myself permission to remember who I am and how much I’ve overcame. I don’t have a single thing to prove to anyone. I’ve proved so much to myself muddling through storms people didn’t see because of the way I’ve carried myself. I’ve shifted my mindset. Expanded my vision and changed my course of action. My relationship with self is solid. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life. I’m ready to grow, glow, and get better. Giving myself permission to be happy on purpose. Meditate. Write. Drink. Eat good. Breathe. Learn something new. Express gratitude. Speak up. Get enough sleep. Dance. Sing. Set boundaries. Go on wild adventures. Fuck like it’s the last cummin’. Take care of skin, body, and heart. Detox. Challenge my mind. Lose myself in music and the things I enjoy. Get lost under the stars. Chase the sun. Wash away the bullshit in the rain. Create magic. Immerse myself in tranquility. Realizing that the strongest love is the love I have for self and just how irreplaceable I am. Reminding myself there is nothing wrong with me. I have patterns to unlearn, new behaviors to embody, and wounds to heal. I have battle scars in my soul no one sees, but there is nothing wrong with the core of me and who I am. It takes time but another dope ass version of me is emerging.

[cola6488]

Breaking Free

Beginning with my health and the messages I consume daily, I am consciously transforming my life from the inside out. I am intaking the energy and vibes I want to give out. Distancing myself from negativity and preparing myself for an overflow of abundance. Speaking everything I desire into existence. I am discovering my inner peace. Making it a priority to cleanse my space, aura, mind, and body. Taking responsibility for where I am now in life and taking charge of where I want to go. Moving forward and leaving behind what doesn’t serve or please me. Listening to my gut and intuition in all aspects of my life. Allowing myself to trust myself and letting go of outside opinions and influences. I refuse to allow people’s views and opinions hold power over me, dictate my life, or influence my own perception and beliefs. Elevating. Embracing growth, prosperity, and change, I understand that people not understanding my thought process or even understanding me is part of the elevation process. And I’m perfectly fine with that. I’m reestablishing myself and re-falling in love with my perfectly imperfect self. For years I’ve felt like I’ve been fighting myself. There was a raging war inside of me and I was fighting a continuous battle from inside out. I felt lost and confused. Only within the past year have I been able to gain some sort of clarity. I’m finally starting to feel whole versus feeling as if I’m being split in two. I’ve learned light and darkness can coexist peacefully within me. I am a goddess. I am a phoenix rising. I am the sun and moon.

[cola6488]

Prioritizing my healing. My mental and physical well-being. Respecting myself enough to create boundaries, clearly vocalize my expectations, and accept nothing less. The changes I make are for me. The life I live is my journey. My story and I can’t allow anyone to dictate my path. I am getting to where I feel secure and confident in the woman and life I am creating. Ridding myself of the toxic people and entities in my life. I refuse to keep dealing with anyone whose energy and vibes are off.

Can’t really talk healing without bringing up religion. I’ve long come to terms with my position and stance that I don’t believe in the institution of religion. They say money is the root of all evil, but it’s my personal belief that religion is. There have been more wars fought over religion than any other matter. Religious persecution in other countries. Even here in the U.S religion was used to keep slaves fearful and obedient. In a country where we have “freedom of religion “ people still act like it’s the end of the world when you tell them you don’t believe in religion or God. Honestly not living by The Bible’s indoctrination is freeing. People pick and choose what sins are more damning when in retrospect you’re not supposed to judge. The whole institution I find too hypocritical and toxic for my liking. You can be a decent person without using the bible to look down on and condemn others. Plus I could never get with the idea that if I don’t please this almighty old white man in the sky that I’m going to spend eternity in eternal damnation. That’s my take on that. By all means people are free to have their own views. I’d never try to make or force people to see things my way but I expect the same respect. Not dealing with or entertaining anyone that will not respect my views. I can agree to disagree and still have love for the people that accept me 1000% for who I am.

[cola6488]

Weary of the man in blue with the badge

Distrust runs from the top of my head, to the soles of my feet, coursing through the core of my soul

Injustice seen clearly through my nearly blind eyes

We shouldn’t have to train our children to put cops at ease

When it’s THEIR JOB to protect and serve

Martin was right, Integrating lead us right into the burning building

Now instead of white cloaks and masks

The klan wears police uniforms and black judges robes

Shoot first

Question later

Even when I’m unarmed

I’m with full artillery

Because the skin I’m in has become weaponized

Malcolm said by any means necessary

So how bout an eye for an eye

Since being peaceful ain’t getting through

Open the devil’s playground

A life for a life

Maybe then they’ll open their eyes to our reality and disparity

Blue lives don’t matter when at the end of the day they can come out of the blue

Free to go are the words unspoken

Being black in Amerikkka

Those unspoken words mean:

9 minutes with a knee to the kneck

4 shots to the chest

Playing cops and robbers in the park

Sitting in your living room watching tv

Playing video games

Sleeping in your bed

Exercising

Shopping in Walmart

A tail light being out or failing to signal

Walking home from the corner store

Asking for directions

Playing music

Selling losies

Walking with a bag of skittles and iced tea

The coffin closing placed six feet deep

Only to end up like a bad song on repeat

Your name being a hashtag on social media

Behind R.I.P

[cola6488]

Darkness

Internalizing

A hundred shades of blackness

A darkness so devastating

So disastrous

Mentally draining

Emotionally depleting

This course so dangerous

Murderous to my being

A spirit so numb

Succumbing

Withering away

Pass the point of recognition

Smothered by the gloom

No light shines through

A cancerous entity

Tears don't cleanse my soul

Just a reminder of all that I lost

All that folds

Falling to the darkest corners

No such thing as the promised land

No white lights, halos, or angels

It's like I'm another being

A demon in disguise

Watching my own demise

[cola6488]

Self Awareness & Clarity

On a journey of self healing to fully understand my life choices and to deepen my self awareness. Self awareness involves deep personal honesty and scrutiny. Becoming fearless in my expression. Seeking the soul softens the heart. Simplicity and beauty blooms in the self realized. Creating better habits. Disciplining my mind and senses. Only way to improve my life is through correcting myself. Returning home. Back to self. Back to me. Connecting with myself and pledging to infinitely be true to myself. Not just learning but actively speaking everything I desire into existence. Removing obstacles out of my life. Stepping away from all that is toxic including jobs and people. Embracing the fact that it really is mind over matter. Pouring into myself. Being honest and transparent not only with others but with myself as well. Focusing on my mental and metaphysical well being. Understanding that I will have bad moments within a good day. Learning how not to let a small moment of time impact me negatively for an entire day. Decluttering everything I can and moving forward with clarity.

[cola6488]

Untitled Poem

Pro black kuz I was taught to love my culture

My skin

Myself in all her trauma and glory

Understanding the history of those that paved the way

To overstand the Emancipation Proclamation freed us from the institution of slavery only to be replaced with

Systematic racism and police brutality

We are supposed to be free

But systematically and mentally

We’re still in chains

Bonded by Christianity, welfare, jail

Varying forms of imprisonment

The system is a cluster fuck run by closeted KKK members

Inner city schools a catastrophe

Outdated books and they sugarcoat and overlook

Our history

No justice for my fallen brothers and sisters

And still no sympathy or empathy for why we’re so enraged

No such thing as a Blue Life

While my melanated officers become just another nigger

White officers take off their uniforms they’re still cloaked in

Their privilege

Offended that my black life matter

Kuz they got to choose their profession

I had no choice in the skin I was born in

They’re ok in their bubble

They say we’re causing trouble

Kuz we speak up

We rise up

Equality doesn’t come from keeping people comfortable

My black life matters infinitely

[cola6488]

I told myself at the end of 2019 that 2020 was going to be my selfish year and that still holds true. I owe no one my kindness, sympathy, or empathy. I don’t owe no explanations for what concerns ME, MYSELF, and I. I’m not obligated to give a damn about anyone’s feelings, health, or opinions. I’m in a space that is focused on me and me alone regardless of what’s going on. I don’t owe anyone a smile in the morning or even a hello. I’m fine not being spoken to first thing in the morning. Matter fact I’d prefer it. People’s thoughts , feelings, and opinions are like water off a ducks back to me. You do what you do and I’m going to do what I do.

[cola6488]

Can’t get over the past when we’re still living it presently.

Came into this world with a target on our backs

All because of the skin we’re in

Fucked up to say even today we’re still 3/5 a person

Slave correction act still in effect

Put down worse than dogs

They can’t walk in our shoes

Or see the world through our eyes

They’re not dying for breathing

Not dying for skittle and a tea

Not dying for playing

Not dying for shopping

Not dying over a tail light

Not dying for living

Don’t have to worry when their husbands, brothers, fathers,sons, wives, sisters, mothers, or daughters leave the house

Want to protect our kids from the harsh realities beyond......

Damn can’t even say the safe haven of the four walls of our homes

Our kids don’t get the complete innocence that comes with being kids

How do you fight a system not designed for you?

We grow up knowing protect and serve doesn’t apply to us.

It’s depressing

It’s infuriating

People are tired

Fed up

Fucking waiting for the hands of justice

Eye for an eye

Toe for a toe

By any means necessary

MY BLACK SKIN MATTERS

[cola6488]

Proud of myself. From October to Now (at Pagedale, Missouri) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9Vx1eVh8HVt8JVkAkAn5qJEdWDN-j_NL-fp7M0/?igshid=1qckhlupp9y2

[cola6488]

I have to be an open book to myself first and foremost. The woman in the mirror deserves it. 🥰🤩😌 https://www.instagram.com/p/B7Xb1IUhjgWfQKq-VRSi2CtJnuDvAY5aKlKyPs0/?igshid=181i2gn6rom3v

[cola6488]

Phoenix Year

I'm learning to live in the moment. Make the best of the things I can't control. To take the time to consume myself in solitude and appreciate myself for who I am and who I am becoming. I will make meditation and journaling a daily part of my routine. Exercise three times a week. I HAVE to make time to focus on my dreams and passions. I HAVE to prioritize self care and focus on my mental health. I REFUSE to continue to feel shattered, broken, and hopeless. It’s only up from here. No downward spiral. I need to lean on my inner strength, grow, and retrust myself. Rebuild, Recreate, and Rediscover myself. There will be no settling. Time to start living life to the absolute fullest. I will accept nothing less than extraordinary. Starting now this is my PHOENIX year.

[cola6488]

Breaking Free

Looked in the mirror I didn’t recognize myself. Emotionally and mentally exhausted. Felt like I was spiraling out of control. Days where I don’t want to press on. Put a smile on my face. Tho the inside didn’t reflect the facade. Late nights I cried. Seemed like I was dead inside. See I was on the verge of losing myself. Kept telling myself, “Tough times don’t last.” This feeling of hopelessness and despair shall pass. The voyage to happiness could be mine. All I had to do was change my state of mind. I had to live in my moment. Acknowledge my moment. And work through it. I couldn’t keep letting these boughts of depression steady overpower me. I had to take responsibility for my own joy. I realized I had to trust myself. I have to be my own safe space.

[cola6488]

I feel like I’m finally coming into a good mental space. Slowly I’m starting to feel at peace. Made up my mind that at the top of the year I’m going to begin a new job search. I take that back a new career search. I can not stay complacent and stalemated. I’m trying to...NO I’m going to win in the long run. Focusing on me and my mental wellbeing. Putting effort into building myself up. Continuing to work on and and being as authentic with myself as I can be. I need to feel good for me. Strengthen my mind, body, and spirit. Discover, develop, and unleash my inner power. I can not continue to let a job that doesn’t stimulate nor empower me continue to keep dictating my day to day emotions and mood. Striving for better and working on the things that set my soul on fire. I can’t afford to keep letting regrets dictate how I move and operate. No matter what my circumstances are it’s up to me to light that spark and keep it burning. I’m taking control of my happiness. Manifesting everything I envision and strutting into my destiny.

[cola6488]

MOMENT OF TRANSPARENCY

Doing the best that I can in the head space that I’m in. It’s crazy how things can feel so right but so stagnant at the same time. I’m taking the steps to move myself in the direction I want to be in for 2020. My goal is to rid of everything that’s detrimental to my mental. At the top of that list is my job. I refuse to continue at a place that’s so mentally agonizing. I don’t like the person that this job is turning me into. I absolutely HATE it here. Within the last couple of years this place has put me into a box without air holes. It’s made me bitter, aloof, resentful, depressed, stressed, and overwhelmed. I miss the person that I used to be. I’m DETERMINED to get back to her by ANY MEANS NECESSARY. No I take that backing I’m AIMING for an UPGRADED better VERSION of MYSELF