heart speak

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i finally feel free from you

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it’s weird that I keep dreaming of you even though I know it only hurts more each time

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I had another dream about you. it was actually about us trying to have sex lol but failing because our kids in the dream kept getting in the way of our plans haha. but it was weird that you were there to me. it’s like it was you, but it wasn’t. like it was your face, hair, stature, but in my dream I thought to myself: “wow this looks a lot like him.. that’s crazy”. But I guess it wasn’t if I thought trust to myself. maybe this is a sign that I have to stop trying to look for you in other people. because eventually, I’ll have an entire family and I’ll still be comparing my husband to you. and I don’t want to do that to someone. it’s sad.

I wish it was you.

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it’s been a while since I’ve been able to dream. and I think it’s because I’ve been so heartbroken since you left. not even just over you, over my family, over my life. it’s just been a lot harder and more intolerable for me since that day. but I finally dreamt again last night. it was about you, of course. I told you I didn’t blame you for falling in love with someone else, in fact I was happy that you were happy and smiling again. what I said that hurt me is that after years of being with you, you couldn’t even give me the decency of having a conversation about it. you just told me you found someone else and left. And you even led me to believe you wanted to try again with me. that’s what hurt.

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life is so dull without you

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the purest thing about me is the love I have for you

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if you be my star, I’ll be your sky

you can hide underneath me and come out at night

when I turn jet black and you show off your light,

I live to let you shine, I live to let you shine

but you can sky rocket away from me

and never come back if you find another galaxy

far from here, with more room to fly

just leave me your stardust to remember you by

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my heart hurts so much sometimes at night that I can’t breathe. i wish we didn’t end. and in my dreams, we haven’t.. I just hope reality catches up to them.

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it’s you, always has been

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I keep having these terrible dreams about you and her. visualizing you happy without knowing her true nature. this is obviously just my own fears manifesting themselves into my dreams but I want so badly to reach out and ask how you are doing… however I refuse to cross any boundaries set by a new relationship. I’m so sad, I miss you. I would’ve been with you for the rest of my life.

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i wish I could hate her for being yours. but I don’t blame her.

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lately on the drive back home I find myself welling up with tears. I can’t help but wish the warm bed I was returning to wasn’t just mine, but ours. that I wasn’t going to sleep hugging a pillow, but you. I wish that I didn’t have to eat cereal by myself in the kitchen at midnight. I wish I didn’t have to worry about the empty spots you left in my life. I know I’m a complete person on my own but I can’t help but feel something is missing when you’re not around. even now, even still, even after all these years of not being yours. but even more so now that you are someone else’s. my heart misses you and my brain still thinks you’ll call soon. when does that change? when does my healing begin? when do I get to move on?

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I keep mental notes to myself.

“you’d love this place”

“you would think this is really funny”

“this food is really good, you’d like it”

as if my brain pins these areas for when you come up to see me from our hometown. and then I remember you’re with someone else now and I can’t be thinking like that anymore. it used to feel like a breath of fresh air with each time I see you but now that you’re gone, how do I survive by holding my breath?

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j,

I’m so glad to hear you’re doing great and have found someone who makes you feel again. I may be crying as I write this but I promise I am. I have been reminiscing on our memories together all day and it’s such a bittersweet feeling to know that while our story has finished, the sparkle in your eye lives on. even if it’s for someone else now.

I only hope she is more caring and loving than I ever was to you. that way, I at least know you’ll be in better hands than you were with me.

knowing you, you’d probably say different but I don’t feel like loved you adequately enough. The trauma I have been dealing with since I was very young prevented me from forming meaningful connections despite my desperate need and want for them. I hurt you, and in turn I made you hurt me. I apologize for everything I’ve ever said, done and felt towards you in our relationship. I realize now you were only a victim of my self destructiveness and can no longer blame you for leaving because, quite frankly, I’d leave me too. but I promise, I have been working really hard on myself. My therapist says I have made a lot of progress but I honestly can’t tell. I still feel the same and my heart is still just as heavy as when the trauma first occurred. but I’m really trying.

I cry when I think of you, it still hurts knowing you no longer love me and left me for someone else. it hurts so much, I can’t describe it. but I understand. and all I can feel now is thankful for ever knowing you. and for all the memories I have of you. for the ones that are vivid and the ones that aren’t. I cherish every single one of them and I go back to them when I need a reminder that I am worthy of being loved.

thank you so fucking much. I miss you, and I hope you have a beautiful relationship.

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I claim it’s within my efforts to never see you again but, secretly I have a deep long desire to. Yet I’m so disturbed by the fact that I still care for you. I’ll never admit it (as in the words will never come out of my mouth) but, I know… I just know, without a doubt, it is true. I’m still in love with you. And I beg god everyday to give me a different person to love; a different person to take up your place but in the end, that would only be selfish. Because I’d still long for you while their love goes to waste.

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today marks my 6th year loving you

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my therapist asked me to tell her about a memory I have where I felt safe and loved. I told her about the night where we ordered pizza, watched scary movies and listened to the rain as we fell asleep in each other’s arms. I must’ve looked really sad because she told it was okay to feel the emotions being brought up from that memory.

that night was bliss and it seems like every other day I find another reason to be grateful to have known you.

I miss you so much.