i spent years floating in air. i didn’t know that those were my best years. mom still cared, dad was home, my dog laid beside me every night. my friends and i spent every afternoon running around, playing cops and robbers.
i’m here now, and you’re there, stuck. i know i’m not who you wanted to be. i’m not thin like we planned. dad doesn’t sleep in the room next door. mom isn’t our best friend anymore. our dog can’t even make it to the bed anymore.
i’m sorry. i’m so so sorry. you were such a beautiful child, robbed of her innocence too early. he had no right touching you the way he did. he hurt you, i know that. if no one else, i do. i wish i said something for you. i wish i’d protected you. i know that that’ll always haunt you and i’m sorry. i love you so so much.
it’s not all bad. those siblings you told santa you’d trade for a barbie doll? they’re here. annoying and sometimes upsetting, but they’re here. they still love you. you still love them. you cry sometimes. not a lot, you don’t like the way it makes you feel, but sometimes you just can’t help it.
you’re trying, and i see that. no one else does, but i do. you’ve got so much love to give. please don’t stop giving it.
if it makes you feel better, remember that aunt of ours? the short, wide hips, funny, tan beauty one? she’s our best friend now. she loves us even when she hates us a bit more. she’s there for us. she’s the first person you told about the abuse. you didn’t tell her who, but i think she knows. she was hurt too. she understands. she knows why you’re scared.
you’re not what anyone says you are. you’re funny and brave. you’re going to battle so so much but you’re going to be okay. you’re going to cry and beg for endless nights, but you’re going to be okay. you’re going to be a really good person with a heart so big all the right people will see.
i’m sorry they took the best things from you. they took your heart only to shatter. they took your innocence and burned it in hell. they took your confidence and dragged it through the dirt. they took away your voice baby, i’m sorry i let them. but time heals all. your heart will have nothing but a few dents. your innocence lies in your beauty, in your heart. your confidence comes back, slowly but surely, and once you learn to use that voice again, no one will ever take it away.
i’m so proud of you. i love you. you’re not alone, i’m here.
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