goddamn

[comedybangray]

not to be disgusting but im so lonely and im good at being alone now that ive been forced into it for the last five or six years but im not enjoying it anymore like i used to find a lot more joy in parts of being alone but it's fading..... and not to get even more disgusting but I rly miss being with someone physically bc I have a rly hard time with physical contact of any kind but I think about it constantly.... I haven't kissed anyone in years and i don't think I will maybe ever again if I kms in the near future lmao! anyways sorry this is gross

[comedybangray]

ive been thinking a lot about killing myself lately and watching this show has sort of made me reconsider for the moment just remembering what it looks like to watch a parent go through the loss of an adult child from suicide i don't want to do that to my mom even though i don't know how to keep living

[comedybangray]

i rly am a rotten bastard like im mean and defensive and selfish and i demand things from people without giving back and im dramatic and stupid and ugly and dirty and im so fucking closeted but i'll never be more out than i am rn bc i haven't done anything about it since i was 17

[comedybangray]

i know im not owed this or anything but ive never been anyone's favorite and i feel rly othered all the time even if im alone & im just like. it's discouraging idk

[comedybangray]

not to alarm anyone but i am going to kill myself

[comedybangray]

i'm like. going to end my life

[comedybangray]

whats up im very fucking dysphoric bc im ugly & soft & too short & ugly

[comedybangray]

1) i would love to belong anywhere for even five fucking minutes of my life before i die 2) im gonna miss kate so bad i literally might have to get a new job even tho this one is pretty good to me

[comedybangray]

i wanna die so fucking bad it's literally all i think about lmao

[comedybangray]

im so!!! fucking suicidal!!!!!

[comedybangray]

i have 50 mgs of dog sedative and im thinking about taking it but it's definitely just gonna make me feel like im dissociating rly hard which i do all day every day otherwise

[comedybangray]

would love to stop feeling so violently dysphoric every time i so much as see another person

[comedybangray]

my mom today was like “are u depressed” and i laughed and said probably & she told me she could get me meds??? just like that?????? i’ve been chronically depressed for like 8 years and now all the sudden im just gonna start meds like ok

[comedybangray]

im so fucking depressed things are bad

[comedybangray]

it's been 4 and (almost) 2 years and i still feel rly terrible about the way i broke things off with s*ge and n*co (i mean technically sage dumped me but i still fucked up the aftermath of that).. i check up on them every once in a while to make sure they're doing ok & i just saw that they're moving to new york.. i hope it goes well for them that's a big move

[comedybangray]

according to several websites im developing a drinking problem so im gonna chill out on alcohol for a little while

[comedybangray]

im gonna kill myself i can feel my time getting shorter