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Common People - Chapter 6, part 2

Well, guys. I originally split this chapter into 2 parts not to torture you, but simply because half of it was done and we didn’t know how long it’ll take to finish the second part, so we decided not to wait. And so, pretty much two months later, the second part is done. But they are both long-ass chapters, so, that’s something, right? As I’ve mentioned before, this chapter also marks our talented friend @how-ardently‘s phasing out of the writing process. She’s moved on to other things, and I’m sure she’ll be successful at whatever she tries her hand. We wrote chapter 6 together, but from her on out, it’ll be all me (me = @slitherouter), and of course @madfatty will make sure I don’t lose my mind. Lil, you are everything and there’s just NO WAY IN HELL I could EVER have done this without you, I wouldn’t even have attempted to. If you need to re-read the story to get caught-up, here are all the chapters so far.

Common People - Chapter 6, part 2

“He’s still sitting there.” June says, dropping back from where she’s been on tiptoe, peering through the peephole. “It’s been over an hour.”

“Can’t we call Reception and get them to kick him out?” Rae asks, taking another bite of a Mars bar. “Or better yet, the police? Get him arrested for stalking?”

June turns her back to the door and gives Rae a rueful look. “Or, you could just go talk to him?” She holds up her hands when Rae starts to protest. “I know, I know. He hurt you, and he’s a right arsehole for doing it, there’s no question about that. And you don’t have to if you don’t want to, I won’t make you. But…”

Rae can hardly look at her aunt. Instead, she watches as her thumbnail presses into the pad of her middle finger. It had taken a long, scalding shower for her to cry herself numb, and she feels utterly worn out by all this drama. She wants to sleep for a year. “I’m not interested in anything he has to say. He’s a liar and a jerk and… why did he… why would he lie to me like that?”

June shakes her head. “Look, I don’t really give a shit about him and his internal struggle or issues or whatever, but clearly, you need answers. And you won’t know if you don’t ask.” she waves a hand to clear the air. “That’s all I’m saying about it. Feel free to tell me to go stuff it. It’s entirely up to you.”

“It’s just… we kissed and stuff. I feel so stupid.” She’s blushing again, and it’s ridiculous. After all that went down, it’s hardly anything to be embarrassed about. It’s hardly anything at all, really, in comparison with the way Archie was kissing that bloke. Or the way she was kissing Finn, if she’s honest. But this feels like the sticking point, the thing that’s the hardest to just get over.

Archie’s her first kiss. The sum of her romantic history, and now it turns out it doesn’t even count.

June sits beside her on the bed, and Rae lets herself sink into her aunt a little, lets herself rest her head on June’s shoulder.

“I know, darling, but it doesn’t say anything about you. It doesn’t mean he didn’t like you or want you.”

Rae doesn’t even have the energy to roll her eyes. “Oh, come on, he just had his tongue down a guy’s throat in the middle of Shaftesbury Avenue, but I’m sure it means nothing.”

“Maybe he likes both boys and girls, you don’t know. And you won’t know unless you talk to him.”

Rae sighs, low and long and heavy. June rubs her shoulder.

“Fine.” Rae mutters, pulling the hotel bathrobe around herself and belting it tightly. She takes a deep breath, eyes closed, as she stands in front of the door, and pulls it open.

“Rae.” Archie says gratefully and starts to get up, but she gestures for him to stay sitting against the wall on the other side of the hallway. She sinks down against the opposite wall and arranges her bathrobe around her knees. When she’s settled, he asks, “Are you okay?”

Rae scoffs. “What do you care?”

“I care about you.” He’s so earnest that she finds tears filling her eyes all over again. She has to look away. “I know I messed everything up, and I’m really sorry, but I do care about you.”

“Why would you do this, Archie? Why didn’t you just leave me alone? You didn’t have to pretend that you liked me.”

“I do like you, really I do.” He persists as she shakes her head despairingly. “You’re exactly what I would want in a girlfriend. You’re funny and kind and… you get me.”

“Obviously, I don’t.” If he thinks flattery is going to save him, he doesn’t really know Rae at all. A silence falls between them and she forces herself to ask the thing she’s most worried about, even if she can’t look at him while she does it.

“Archie, did I make you gay? Was being with me so…”

“No.” He cuts her off quickly, firmly. She looks up and he shakes his head resolutely. “Not at all. I swear it’s nothing you’ve done. I’ve been gay for… well, always. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t. But, you can’t help who you’re attracted to, can you? Or not attracted to?”

Rae hums a non-response, and in a flash that’s so brief it’s almost unnoticeable, the image of Finn leaning up against the wall in that leather jacket flickers in her mind and is gone.

“I tried. I wanted it to work with us. I wanted to just… be straight. It was so bad for me last year, so bad. I just really wanted to start fresh in Stamford and be straight. And if there was anyone to do that with, I wanted it to be you.” He smiles tenderly at her, and she feels a rush of the old affection that she’d so carefully tended and nurtured for him. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

Rae cocks her head to the side, considers. She’s still so wounded. She’s not ready to just let him off the hook. “What happened last year?” She stalls, and tilts her head a little further when his face darkens with a scowl, curiosity creeping into some of the space currently occupied by sadness.

“I shouldn’t say.” He mumbles, fingers picking at his jeans. He’s not making eye contact and Rae’s had enough. She holds the edges of her robe together and moves to get up. “Whatever,” she huffs.

Archie’s head shoots up and he holds out his hand to stop her, “I’m not trying to be evasive, I swear. I just know that you guys are kinda friends, or, well, I’m not really sure what’s going on with you two.”

“With who?”

Archie gives her a searching look, his eyes turning hard and cold when he spits out, “Finn Nelson.”

“First of all, I am not friends with Finn Nelson.” She snipes. Why does everything end up being about stupid bloody Finn? “Secondly, what does he have to do with you being gay? Nobody even knows.”

“Finn does.” Archie shakes his head, and she’s never really seen him angry before. His eyes are flashing behind his glasses, and his cheeks are bright pink. “We’ve known each other all our lives, you know. I guess at some point he just… knew. And he was always hinting at it, like he was criticizing my choice not to be public about it. As if it’s just so easy!” his voice goes up, too loud for a moment in the hotel hallway, and he quickly lowers it. “Of course we went to the same school, which he never liked. It was one of the things I was only able to do because his mum helped, you know? I’d never have a chance at a posh school like that otherwise. But there we were, and last year he, well… he outed me to the whole sodding school.”

“What? Why would he do that?”

“I’ve been asking myself that for a year.” Archie huffs, stretching one leg out across the hallway. His foot isn’t touching her, but only just. “He’s a dick. I think he did it just because he could, because he thinks he’s better than everyone. But, that’s not even the worst of it.”

“No?”

“Well, the other lads took the piss, right? That’s why I never wanted to tell anyone in the first place, I expected that.” He scoots forward a little, and then his foot is resting against her thigh. “Well, a couple of them decided I needed a beating, too. They jumped me. I ended up in A & E.”

“Shit.” Rae breathes.

“Yeah. And, they jumped me on the grounds of our prep school, and since there’s a strict code of conduct policy, I ended up getting kicked out. It was all lined up for me to go to Oxford, I had a real chance to change my entire life. And then, just like that,” he makes an overly large, exaggerated snap, “it was all gone. Future gone in the blink of an eye. All because of fucking Finn Nelson.”

“Fucking Finn Nelson.” She agrees, bowing her head to pick at the carpet. The guy is basically a plague on all who know him.

“So you can see why I wanted to start over, right?” Archie asks, and she’s startled to see how close he’s gotten. He’s in the centre of the hall now, his bent knee pressed against hers, his other leg splayed out beside her. “I know it was wrong, Rae. I know I hurt you, and I’m so sorry. But you can understand, right? What it’s like to want to fit in?”

She watches him for a moment, considering. She does know what it’s like. If she could pretend not to be fat, even just for a little while, wouldn’t she? No matter who it hurt? What wouldn’t she give to experience normal?

“Okay.” She says finally, reluctantly. “I get it.”

Archie grins and reaches over to wrap her in a hug that she doesn’t return, to press a kiss against her cheek. It feels like nothing. It feels like it always has. At least now she knows it’s not a fault in her wiring.

They stay in the hallway a while longer, sitting side by side. Archie does most of the talking, confessing his feelings for Brandon, the boy from the street. He tells her about meeting him, about kissing him for the first time and feeling like he couldn’t breathe, and knowing, just knowing. She doesn’t really want to hear all that, but she looks at him as he fumbles and blushes through the story, and something important becomes suddenly clear.

He talks about Brandon the same way Izzy used to talk about Chop. All these feelings he’s having that she never had with him. That he couldn’t ever feel for her.

Because, it really isn’t about her.

And in a strange way, it makes all the difference.

When she’s back in her room, there’s a thick black smudge from where his shoe had rubbed against her robe. She’s grateful to take it off and start over with a new one in the morning.

+++

It’s a new day and Rae is looking forward to putting all the shitty parts of the trip behind her, and going back to the fun-having portion of her time in London. But as usual, she doesn’t get to decide.

She’s instantly angry when she hears his voice. She’s got something of an emotional hangover this morning, and all she wants in the world is a cuppa and a fat stack of pancakes.

For fucks sake, does he have to be everywhere? London is an enormous metropolis, with millions of people, and yet the one person in all the world she least wants to see, is here in the lobby of her hotel. Apparently waiting for her.

“Rae!” He calls again, and she takes a moment to close her eyes and breathe. This is just too fucking much. She may kill him, right here in the middle of this dated hotel. His blood would ruin the terrible old carpet and they’d finally have to replace it.

There’s a tiny little bar adjacent to the lobby, and there’s Finn Nelson, looking stiff and arrogant and entirely out of place. He’s perched at one of those too-tall-tables, his upper body hunched over the surface, one boot dangling while the other jiggles furiously. He’s not waving, not showing that he’s trying to get her attention, just hulking there, all self-importance and leather.

Rae tugs at June’s arm, tries to pull her aunt towards the doors, towards freedom, never to have to deal with him again. June utters a startled laugh.

“Hey, look, it’s your weird friend again. What’s he doing here?” she asks, all amusement, but thanks to all that is holy, the heels of her knee-high boots start clicking towards the door. Rae tugs at her harder. Because, there it is, the tell-tale screech of a chair scuffing over the tiles.

“He’s not my friend.” Rae grits her teeth.

“Does he know that?” June’s steps are slowing down again, and she’s turned her whole upper body to look back at Finn.

They’re so close to the door. So close. Just a few more steps, really.

“Rae.” He must have run, because now his voice is very close behind her. “Hey, hold up. Didn’t you hear me calling?”

“What do you want, Finn?” She only half turns towards him. Knowing what she now knows about his history with Archie, she’s even less interested in having one of their confusing conversations.

He takes a surprised step back, confused at her harsh tone. “I, uh… I need to talk to you.” He falters.

“Now is not a good time, actually. We’re kinda in a hurry.”

She sends a meaningful glance to her aunt, who is quick to pick up on the mood and steps closer to Rae, adding, “Yes, we are. We’ve got that thing.”

“Yeah, a thing. Can’t be late… for the thing.”

She thinks she’s got it sorted and has successfully put him off, but then she sees his eyes soften and he says. “Please. I just need ten minutes.”

It’s so unexpected to see a softer, non-douchebag side of him, that Rae finds herself suddenly wondering what he could possibly need to tell her. The only thing she can come up with is that he’s finally willing to share some information about Chop and why he’d fled like he did. If that’s the case, she has to hear him out, she owes it to Izzy.

Turning to Aunt June she says through clenched teeth,”I guess I could meet up with you in the cafe in ten minutes”.

“Would you excuse us for just a sec?” June smiles politely at Finn, as she pulls Rae a few steps away. In a low voice, for only her niece to hear she assures her, “You know, you don’t have to go anywhere with him if you don’t want to.”

Rae breathes deeply. “I know. I really don’t want to, but I think I should. I’ll only be a few minutes, and then I’m rid of him for good.”

”All right, if you’re sure.”

“I’ll be joining you for breakfast before you have time to say ’Earl Grey’.”

“Oh, no,” June says as they step back to where Finn is standing nervously, and this time, she doesn’t even try to mask her true feelings when she intones loud and clear, “I’ll be waiting right outside.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it.” he says.

“You should,” replies June pointedly. She starts walking towards the doors muttering, quite loudly and solely for Finn’s benefit, “Fuck me, I had no idea I’d be spending the entire weekend playing Rae’s bodyguard. Every day a different bloke, I mean…”

Rae smiles inwardly. That’s what she loves about her Auntie June. She’s a total doesn’t-give-a-fuck, takes-no-prisoners badass, and Rae wishes she was half as ballsy and cool as her. The fact that this awesome woman is in fact her mother’s sibling feels like science fiction to Rae.

“What did she mean by that?”

She turns back to Finn at the sound of his voice. “What do you want talk about?” She says, ignoring his question. Finn looks like he’s debating whether or not to push the issue. Rae takes the opportunity to notice how good he looks in his thick, blue cable jumper.

“Listen, I just… I need to talk to you.” He starts, glances around the room.

“Yeah, I got that. So talk.” She’s proud of herself for staying cold and mimicking his own arrogance, but there’s something about the way he keeps looking at her and moving about that’s making her uneasy. Or maybe it’s just the remnants of last night’s complete emotional upheaval. It’s hard to say when it’s been one hit after another this fucking weekend.

“Um,” he puts his hands in his pockets, “can we go somewhere else? Somewhere private? Your room, maybe?”

Her mouth literally drops open. He’s got to be kidding. She’s making it very clear that she wants nothing to do with him. He can’t possibly think she’d invite him up to her room.

Even as she’s marveling at his audacity, a small part of her brain takes a weird detour. Clearly, she’s losing her mind for real, because one little piece of it has broken off from the rest and chooses this moment to create a particularly lurid image of all the things they could do together in her room. She’s dizzy from the surge of adrenaline as imaginary Finn pins imaginary Rae up against the wall outside her door, can almost feel the satisfying drag of her nails over the bare skin of his back and the hiss of his indrawn breath.

She blinks, trying to clear her head and orders her imagination to stop it. She cannot believe she’s still having all these thoughts and feelings, especially after all that Archie has told her about Finn last night. If she thought he was just a jerk before, it seems now that he’s a malicious bully as well.

She guesses it shows on her face, because Finn swallows thickly. “Right, so not your room.”

“Definitely not. You got nine minutes.” she snipes at him.

That moves him to action, and he grabs her hand suddenly to pull her around a partition and into the empty bar, and she’s too busy being confused by the onslaught of all those images of fevered kisses still running through her head to jerk her hand away until he’s reached his intended destination. Once they’re standing there facing each other, she crosses her arms tightly over her chest.

“So, uh…” He starts, swallows, looks at his feet. He takes a couple of steps backwards, looks at her for a few long moments. Her skin is starting to itch from his gaze. “I have to tell you something.”

She slaps her arms against her thighs with a smack. “For fuck’s sake, would you get on with it already?”

His mouth moves, but he’s still just standing there staring at her. His ears get red, presumably with the strain of trying to make sentences. “Seven minutes.” She announces, and waits. And waits. And waits.

“Okay,” he tries one more time. His eyes close in concentration for a second, hands clasped together, “here’s the thing,” but then he doesn’t continue.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, Rae’s had enough. “Whatever, Finn. You’re the one who wanted this little meeting. I’m not going to stand here all fucking day.”

She turns to go, but she only makes it a few steps when he says it, loud and abrupt and explosive. “I like you.”

She turns around slowly, until she can see his flushed face. “What?” It’s all there is to say, really. “What?”

Finn looks pained. “Actually, that’s not true.” he says, and before Rae’s brain has a chance to even wonder what this could mean, he looks right into her eyes, unflinching, and adds, “Actually, I’m in love with you.”

She’s frozen, the whole world’s frozen for several seconds. She can tell that he’s anxious about what he’s just blurted out, and maybe about her response to his words, but honestly, she can’t even think that far ahead, she’s so shocked. The most she can manage is an exhalation of breath; half laughter, half dismissive huff.

“Rae.” Finn says, with something like a hopeful smile. “I know it’s a shock. I know. Believe me. But… what do you think?”

Rae doesn’t understand that smile. What’s he got to be so damn amused about? “Is this a joke?”

“What… do you mean?”

“What the hell are you on about?”

However he thought she was going to react to his words, she can tell by the light leaving his eyes, the confusion that creeps in, that that wasn’t it. “Look… I know how it sounds -”

“Do you? Because you sound insane, Nelson.”

Finn takes a hesitant step towards her, just one, his arms half raised. “I know it’s insane, I tried to fight against it, I really did. I know all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together and why it’s ridiculous that someone like me would want someone like you, but I just can’t - “

“Be together, what -” she starts, then narrow her eyes at him. “what do you mean someone like me? What’s wrong with me?”

He makes a vague gesture of dismissal, as if all that is not important. “I didn’t mean anything by it, there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re great.”

“But not good enough for the likes of you.” she intones. Her mind is like a whirlwind with words and love declarations flying about, crashing into one another. She has no idea why she’s arguing with him, except that it seems to be their default setting when it comes to each other. That is why she can hear herself defending her own right to be with him, a terrible boy she hates and has zero respect for.

He huffs and rolls his eyes, as if she’s the exasperating one. “I’m not saying - that’s the opposite of what I’m saying! Rae,” he comes closer and his eyes turn to liquid chocolate when he looks at her. “I’m saying, I know what people are gonna say, and how this looks - and I don’t care. I just… want this.”

For the first time since he started his confession, Rae believes him. It ramps up the panic levels inside her to new heights. If only he would shut up for a minute and not say any more horrible things, she could clear her mind and get her bearings, but it seems Finn’s just got started, and apparently they haven’t even scratched the surface of the horrible things list yet.

His voice turns as sweet and soft as his eyes as he looks up at her. “We both know that, well, we’re not really in the same league, you and me, not even really in the same world. I mean, you live in a council house, for fuck’s sake. But it’s not even about that,” he hurries along, chasing a point. “The thing is, I know what you’re thinking.”

“I highly doubt that.” she mutters, and he smiles again. It’s almost sad how much he’s reading her wrong, but she can’t stop him from talking because it’s strangely fascinating to listen to him dig himself into a hole while trying to declare his feelings.

“I do,” he says, and takes yet another step towards her unmoving body. “because, believe me, I thought it too, in the beginning. You’re thinking, ‘This can’t happen, no matter how much we may want it to’. But I’m saying - yes, it can.”

“Finn -”

“’All we do is argue, and she can’t keep her mouth shut for a single second, ever.’ I told myself all of this. ‘Her life is a crazy mess, starting with her mother, who wouldn’t know a social grace if it sat on her face, then there’s her cousin, who’s shagging her way through half the countryside, not to mention her best friend…! She’s just not for you,’ I told myself. ‘Just forget about her.’” he stops for air, all of a sudden looking vulnerable. “But I couldn’t.”

And that’s the moment he chooses to take her hand in his.

At some point during his list, Rae must have gasped, because she’s still holding her breath. She’s yet to pull her hand away from his, the shock and rage are keeping her body rigid, there may even be smoke coming out of her ears. Did he really say all that to her? About her? She wonders as she’s standing silent in front of him, her mind muddled with too many thoughts.

“Don’t be like that, please, Rae. Say something.” Finn bites his lip, his eyes searching. “I get that you’re shocked, I mean, who would have thought we’d end up here, right?” His smile, though hesitant, has some hope in it again, even laughter. “Maybe I’ve just gone completely mental, who knows… this goes against even my own better judgment. I mean, we don’t work. Nobody would think so, but I just… I can’t stop thinking about you. About kissing you and touching you and arguing with you, all of it. I’m not going to keep fighting against it, no matter how ridiculous we may look. To me, you’re beautiful and I have to be with you.”

Having settled the entire matter between him and himself, Finn takes the final step to close the distance between their bodies, and as he moves, in what seems to her as extreme slow motion, a soft expression changes the lines and shadows of his face. He looks happy, stunningly pretty, utterly sure of himself and his place in the world. Rae watches his hand lift, tracing through the air between them, rising up towards her face as if he intends to cup her cheek. His mouth opens ever so slightly, but it’s enough to make his intentions clear.

This, is what makes her find her voice again.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” It comes out cold and stark, a missile shot into the ever-decreasing distance between their faces. It lands like a slap and Finn visibly jerks back. That arrogant, condensing prick. How dare he? How DARE he? Who the fuck does he think he is? There’s a steady rhythm of outrage pounding in her blood that she’s too angry to give voice to.

“No… I’m not kidding. I really mean it.” He says, and she can hear the tinge of doubt and tension that’s slipped in as he quickly corrects himself, “I mean, I really am in love with y-”

“That’s complete…” She can’t even find the words. All that comes out is some outraged sounds. She presses her fingertips to her eyebrow, digs her thumb firmly into her cheekbone. She can’t bring herself to count to ten, or do any of her affirmations to calm herself. Anger has been bubbling inside her during his entire crazy speech, and there’s no telling what’s about to happen as it finally spills over. She hears her own voice spit at him, “In what world would I EVER want to be with you?”

Finn straightens with a snap, all his muscles going rigid. “What?”

“Why would I ever want to be with you?” She jabs a finger in his direction. “What on earth would make me want you? Huh?”

“Why - why wouldn’t you?” he sways a bit on his feet, like he’s trying to find his balance again. For a second, the mask of condescension drops and Rae can see past it, into something like mortification in his eyes. He swallows, and shakes his head. “Stop it, you don’t have to keep doing that.”

“What am I doing?”

“You like me back.” he declares, with none of the confidence he usually displays. “I know you like me back.”

“Like you? I can’t stand you, Finn. How could you have missed that?” Rae’s voice has gotten screechy and loud, but she can’t seem to stop.

She can tell that the meaning of her words is finally dawning on him. The sense of entitlement that has always been part of his character as far as she can see, is shaken by the idea that he’s not the prize he thinks he is, and she won’t be doing any cartwheels across the lobby floor, even though he presented himself to her wrapped up in a big red bow.

“You liked me just fine when you were climbing all over me at the party.” he says.

Rae feels her eyes may seriously pop out of her head.

“You’re just mad because I was honest, because I’m not going to lie and flatter you and tell you some fairytale crap about how we’re just right for each other and how the whole world will line up perfectly for us to ride off into the sunset. People are going to talk, Rae. I like you despite all that.”

“Oh, lucky me, Finn Nelson likes me despite his own better judgment. Hoo-fucking-ray!”

Finn’s voice goes very quiet. “You are unbelievable. Always trying to pick a fight.”

“I’m unbelievable? I am?” She’s moving closer now, right up in his face. “What did you expect? That you could stand there and tell me all the reasons you had not to like me, and I’d still swoon and fall into your arms? What about that fact that I don’t like you? What about what an arrogant prick you are? How you are incapable of having a normal conversation or caring even a tiny bit about anyone else’s feelings? What about that, Finn?”

She uses his stunned silence to move on to her next point, bringing out the big guns. “You’re the kind of person who thinks so highly of himself that he gets to decide on other people’s happiness. You think I didn’t realize you’re the one who convinced Chop to disappear with you without a single fucking word, breaking my best friend’s heart? I bet you don’t even feel bad about it.”

“I don’t feel bad about it! Not at all.” His eyes are narrowed, his voice thick. “Did you know that your best friend was hitting on me at that party? Sitting on my fucking lap, flirting, laughing, right in Chop’s face. No shame.”

“What? That’s not true!”

“And she flat out came on to me at the dinner party, Rae. She saw an opportunity and she went for it. Made suggestions; practically saying that if I fancied her, she’d dump Chop in a heartbeat. I was doing my mate a favour by getting him away from her. Doing him better than I’m doing myself. You think she’s so innocent but it’s an act. I know girls like that, I’ve met plenty of women like that. I’ve seen them around my dad.”

“What are you on about? Izzy isn’t like any… women!” Rae feels like she’s lost the plot.

“Girls who play all their options. She’s put all her chips on him but it’s not Chop she wants, really.”

Comprehension dawns. Rae feels so angry it’s surreal. “It’s what, Finn? What does she want?”

He leans back a little and delivers it coldly, brutally. “His money. His status. That’s what she wants. Not him.”

Rae swallows, shaking her head. “You are so wrong. So wrong.” She’s blinking back tears. How could he possibly think that? Izzy, sweet, kind-hearted, head-over-heels-in-love Izzy, wanting Chop’s money? It’s ridiculous. “You don’t even know us. You don’t know what we’re like. Yes, we’re not rich people but we do alright and believe it or not, our life is not some soap opera where we scheme and manipulate to get our clutches on poor, deluded, rich men’s money. You arsehole.” She tries to steady her voice but there’s just no way, so she gives up. “Izzy is the sweetest, best person you’ll ever meet. There’s not one dishonest bone in her body, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you can’t recognize it when it’s staring you in the face -”

“Or sitting on my lap, right?”

“Oh, come on.”

“You were there, Rae, you saw how she was all over me!” his eyes change a fraction, with something like pleading. “You had to peel her off me yourself.”

“We were drunk.” Rae waves her hand about, trying to paint a lighter picture. “She’s just a happy drunk, that’s all. She’s touchy-feely. It doesn’t mean she’s, like, after you. Just means we were all shit-faced drunk -”

“I wasn’t that drunk.” Finn says, quietly. Rae looks up at him and all the words leave her head.

She’s not sure how long they stand there, just staring, her trying desperately to think of something to say that isn’t dumb. “I… was.” she says finally.

They’re standing very close together and she can feel the hot, quick puffs of his breath against her face. Her own chest is heaving, despite how quiet they’ve gotten, and it’s nothing like the books. It’s wretched, all these conflicting feelings running around inside her.

“I know.” Finn’s eyes flicker away from her for a moment before they come back. “I mean, I could tell, at some point.”

“Then why did you do it? If you knew I was out of it -”

“I didn’t, not at first. I thought you were like me. Into it. I stopped, didn’t I? When I realized, I stopped.”

Anger comes back, full on. “Don’t make yourself out to be some sort of hero.” her mocking mouth twists in something like a smile but her heart is beating so hard. “You realized who you’re making out with. Fat, poor, socially unacceptable Rae Earl, and you bottled it.”

“No, I was being a good guy!”

“So what do you want, like an MBE from the Queen or something?”

Finn’s arm fly up, his fingers go in his hair in frustration. “What do you want from me, Rae?”

“Nothing!”

“I told you how I felt about you. Feel about you. What could I do? I wanted to kiss you. That whole night, that’s all I thought about.”

She moves away from him. Listening to these words is like being in some science-fiction movie and it’s impossible for her to stand there and take it all in. “Don’t be gross.”

“Don’t be a hypocrite.” his voice follows her around the small space that hosts this unlikely scene, as her feet take her from bar stool to partition, and back to the bar.” I wasn’t exactly alone in that corner, now, was I?”

“I was drunk,” she turns back to face him, her finger pointing accusingly in the air. “You took advantage of me!”

Finn’s face is as emphatic as she’s ever seen it. “No, I didn’t!”

“And then, you just left me standing there and…” her hands make vague shapes in the air. “disappeared!”

“Are you angry at me for making out with you, or for not finishing the job, darling? Decide.”

Something changes within him. He looks more like his usual self-assured, big-headed self; cold and mean.

It makes Rae’s voice come out weaker, and she hates that. “How can you say you love me and then do that to me?”

He shrugs, but she can tell by the twitch at his temple that he’s only affecting coolness. “How can you say you can’t stand me and get off with me?”

“Oh, shut up. You’re such a dickhead.”

Finn turns his head away, like he can’t look at her. He’s crossed his arms over his chest, and he raises his shoulders in a stiff shrug. “Is that it? Is that the whole list of things you hate about me?”

“Hardly. It’s a pretty long fucking list.”

He glances at her, and then quickly turns his face towards the bar again. Leaning back on it, his hand suddenly smacks the polished surface. “Well, let’s have it then. Give me the whole list.”

He stands there, like he doesn’t actually believe that Rae could have more to say. But boy, is he wrong. Her weapons are many and he’s provided her with all of them himself.

“Well, there’s Archie, innit? How could you do that to him? It’s so fucked up, I don’t even know where to start.”

There’s a bit of a pause, and then Finn explodes, almost yelling. “Fucking Archie! Of course it’s fucking Archie. You sure are concerned about that fucker.”

“Of course I am. He was my boyfriend.” It comes out of her mouth just like that, in the past tense. She doesn’t meant to share that with Finn of all people, it’s way too private. But to say it any other way would be a lie.

He seems to not have heard anyway, all wrapped up as he is in his own righteous anger. She watches his mouth twist with derision. “Whatever it is you think you’ve got going on with him, believe me, he is not your boyfriend.”

“Yeah, I know, dickhead. That’s why I said ‘was’.” Again, the words just come out. Did she want him to know she’s now boyfriend-less? No, that can’t be it. He’s just confusing her here, with his bogus love confession and saying nice things… or, meaning to say nice things, she supposes.

Meanwhile, Finn stops and stares at her, taking in her news. “Wha- did you… did you guys break up?”

She huffs. Might as well get this over with. Making sure not to give him any false hopes she says simply, “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, we have.”

“A-ha.” he intones carefully. “Did something, like, happen, or did you - who broke up with wh-?”

“No, no, no, no. I’m not talking about this with you. Like I said, none of your business. We’re talking about what went on between you two. What you did to him.”

“What I did to him! What I bloody did to him!” Finn makes a scoffing sound. “Poor fucking Archie. You don’t know anything about that wanker.”

“I know that he’s gay, if that’s what you’re referring to, and I know that you outed him to the whole world. You got him beat up and kicked out of school. You ruined his life”.

Finn seems speechless for once. He stares at her, his brows furrowed as if he’s trying to make sense of her words. She supposes no one has ever confronted him about his actions and their consequences. “You are so lovely to the people you care about, Finn. What a treat to be one of them. And how unfortunate for the poor bastards who are ‘beneath you’.”

“Is that it? Don’t hold back on me now, Rae.”

“Well, let’s see, other than being an insensitive homophobic arsehole, and lording over your friends and sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, not caring whose heart gets broken because of it, and, what else, let’s think… oh, right, the fact that your idea of a love confession means bringing up every little thing you DISlike about a person - other than all that? …Yeah, I can still come up with some more stuff.” She nods, feeling a bit victorious, and steps back.

“Wow.” Finn says eventually, after standing in complete silence for a few moments. “Okay. You are so… far from… the truth of what happened -”

“You mean your side of things. The only side that matters, right?”

He exhales loudly, tilts his face down. “How d’you do that, I wonder.”

“What?”

“You find it so easy to speak your mind.” He says, and she’s about to tell him that it is not at all true, that she’s constantly in a place where she lacks defenses and cannot speak up to save her life, but he’s taking a step towards her and his tone changes. “Even when you have no idea what you’re talking about, you just… keep talking. Anyway, thank you for explaining all the things about me you dislike.”

Rae doesn’t know how it happens exactly; without seeming to move again, he’s suddenly in her space. “But you know what I’d bet, Rae?” he says, and her breath hitches against her will at the soft way he has with her name. “I’d bet that all these faults of mine would have been forgiven if I’d just told you exactly what you wanted to hear. Just like any other girl. You want to hear all about how pretty you are, how well we fit together. I thought you were different, that I could be honest for once, but you’re just like all the rest. I should have just gone with my usual routine, bought you something shiny and expensive, flattered the hell out of ya. I bet you’d have given me anything I wanted. Worked for Archie, didn’t it?”

Does it hurt more because he’s so close, so physically… there? He is everything controlled and beautiful and self-assured, everything she’s not. Everything intimidating. His words feel like a punch in the gut, but that almost makes sense to her. What she can’t figure out is why they feel like such a betrayal. She inhales sharply, and she can tell that he can tell, that he’s gone too far. There is a tiny flicker of regret there, but it’s too late. Rae suddenly wonders why she’s even still standing here, taking all this shit from him. Whatever the feelings he claims to have for her, she can’t believe there’d be anyone who would declare it in a more abusive way than Finn has, and she’s had enough. His ten minutes are well and truly up.

“Actually, Finn, there is absolutely nothing you could have done, or said, that would EVER have made me like you. Pretty much from that first night at the pub, I was amazed by your selfishness and arrogance and shit personality. You are the LAST person on the planet I would EVER want to be with. I regret every single second of that party. In fact I wish I’d never even met you.”

Finn looks… Rae finds it hard to keep holding his gaze while holding her ground, because he just looks… destroyed. Did she go too far…? But it was all true and she needed to be harsh to get through all that ego, so he could really hear her.

It feels like he’s showing her something raw, like there’s nothing masking his true self and for just one split second, she’s made him utterly defenseless. She’s often been in his shoes, on the receiving end of carefully chosen destructive words and she’d always imagined it would feel pretty fucking good for once to be the one delivering the blows. It’s not at all the good feeling she thought it would be. Regret turns into empathy, she almost touches him, she almost says she’s sorry and that she didn’t mean any of it -

And then he’s gone. She blinks again, and Finn’s a careful arm’s length away.

“I get it. I’m…” His voice is quiet, soft. She doesn’t look, can’t look. “I’m sorry. I… I shouldn’t have said anything, I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry. I’ll go.”

She watches his feet as they move around the partition and back into the lobby.

After a few more seconds just standing there, she holds out a hand to check, but she’s not actually shaking, it only feels like it. She’s been dying for months to tell Finn exactly what she thought of him, but she never imagined this part, the part just after all the words have been said. She feels exhausted and empty and not quite sure what to think.

Walking towards the lobby, she hopes he’s not still hanging about, but the only familiar face is Aunt June’s, standing close by.

+++

She’s fairly quiet all day, lost in her thoughts while she tries to assimilate all this new information. June does what she has always done best; understands and provides comfort, and tons of distractions. She’s always been good about giving Rae room to think things through.

They talk about it, a little. Rae can’t bring herself to share all of the details with her aunt, but she gives her the gist of it; he fancies her and she doesn’t return the feeling. That’s it. It’s strange to boil it down that way, to reduce that whole intense conversation to just a handful of words.

That entire day, it’s been doing her head in just to think of it. She was not even close to wrapping her head around the Archie drama, coming to terms with the fact that she essentially had been dating a gay boy for months, when here comes this other weirdo, dropping a huge bomb on her. It goes around and around in her mind, from bafflement to hurt to anger and back again. Like, seriously, is no one normal?

And what is it with Finn, anyway? All this time, all those looks and snits and confrontations. Is she supposed to believe that he’d fancied her during all of that?

June and Rae’d planned a day full of exhausting activity, and a good thing too, because she needs to stop thinking about all that. It is June’s day at the flower markets, a chance for her to set up meetings with suppliers she works with, to see what is new and exciting in the world of wholesale flora. Before Rae’d left, Chloe’d teased her about the fact that one whole day in London was bound to be wasted on waking up early so they could get to the markets during trading hours, then rushing all over, with Rae having to stand around while Aunt June argued with sweaty old stall owners about prices, but Chloe had no idea how amazing those days really were.

As they leave the hotel, Rae is in a bit of a daze, basically rushing after her aunt on auto-pilot to make it to the New Covent Garden Market before it closes. They barely make it, arriving just as stalls are being packed away and men in work clothes start to load up their vehicles. Rae is flustered and full of guilt, worried that her fight with Finn would be the cause of her beloved aunt missing her appointments, compromising her business. June only laughs, “Relax, baby girl, don’t you know who I am?”

And sure enough, June waltzes into the closing market with a spring in her step, long blond hair flying behind her, looking chic and gorgeous in her boots and tight jeans, and the vendors greet her with big smiles and happy welcoming calls, some of them stopping whatever they are doing to jog over and give her an affectionate hug.

“You all remember my lovely niece, Rae, right?” June says, and they nod and smile at Rae, but their focus stays on her aunt. And for once, Rae doesn’t mind being left on the periphery while people are far more interested in the other girl in her company.

Aunt June is the only person who doesn’t make Rae feel like shit in situations like this. She’s just so cool and pretty, her laughter filled the air, and Rae can’t blame all those people for wanting her company, because Rae wants it too. And when they are looking at June all starry eyed it is kinda like a complement to Rae as well. They think June is amazing and since June belongs to her, Rae feels amazing by association.

And while Chloe may have been right, most of June’s colleagues are indeed sweaty and rough looking, they are so much more than that. Some of her closest friends are young, muscly and tattooed florists; shoveling dirt and moving potted plants around by day, rock stars by night.

After they’re done with business, two of June’s friends take them to lunch in a funky little pub in a hidden court yard, and they all sit there, sipping beers and telling outrageous stories for hours. Klay, a sexy, bearded greenhouse owner June used to date “back in the day”, whatever that means, insists on paying for lunch, and no one cares what Rae orders or gives the smallest fuck about how much she eats. They’re also musicians, and when it’s time to say goodbye, Klay and his girlfriend (and bass player) Penny make the girls promise that they would come to their gig that night. Rae can’t think of anything cooler than that.

They start walking around aimlessly, going in and out of interesting shops and galleries, but Rae is already feeling that sinking feeling you get when reality slips in and you start to remember that despite all the fun you’re having on vacation, all your worries and troubles haven’t really gone anywhere.

The thought of going back home in a couple of days is daunting. She isn’t at all ready. Too much has happened in these few London days, and in a way, Rae feels cheated, as if she’d missed out on a proper vacation, too busy thinking about her trouble with boys to enjoy it, and not at all able to relax, not for a second.

+++

Coming to a sudden halt just inside the hotel entrance, Rae and her aunt exchange astonished looks. “Seriously, June, what the hell?”

“Do you want me to tell him to piss off?” June offers, clutching at Rae’s arm like one of them needs to be held back.

Rae only heaves a heavy sigh and turns to her aunt with a pout. “Why does this keep happening? Is it the hotel?”

June shrugs. “Could be. I did book the extra-dramatics package.”

They stand together and watch Finn, sitting in one of the leather armchairs in the small lounge area at the far end of the lobby, pen in hand, hunched over the low coffee table. He hasn’t seen them yet; his lips move and he seems to be reading a piece of paper on the table. Rae is curiously blank.

“So what do you want to do?” Asks June. “We don’t have to actually go in, we can go straight to the pub and just hang until the gig starts.”

“No, it’s way too early, we were gonna freshen up.” Rae protests, “He’s not going to ruin our plans.”

“Well, then… if you want that shower, you’re gonna have to cross that lobby.”

“I guess I’ll go see what he wants.” Rae groans, then turns wide eyes to her aunt. “June, what could he possibly want?”

“Oh, well, I don’t know, let’s put our heads together.” says June dryly, than laughs. “Pretty sure he wants you, love.”

Rae gives her a flat look. All she wants is to put her aching feet up, take a shower and maybe a nap, before putting on something nice and going to the gig. But there was no chance of that, as it seemed Finn wasn’t planning to ever leave the lobby of this hotel.

Rae straightens her spine, hands off her shopping bags to June, who gives her a sympathetic smile as they both head in, June walking towards the lift. As Rae approaches, Finn lifts his head and looks up at her, startled.

He stands up, holds his hands out in front of him to hold her off, like she’s going to yell at him again. His eyes are dark and sunken. She doesn’t like the tightness in her chest when she looks at him.

“Don’t worry, I’m not here to do something stupid. Again.”

“Okay.”

“Look, I…” He runs a hand through his hair, and it’s already pretty disheveled for his normally well put-together self. His fingers scratch a new path through it. “I’m not good at speaking. I always mess up what I mean to say.”

She’s getting alarmed now. He’s not going to try again, is he?

“I… can you just read this?” He gathers up some of the papers from the table, the ones that aren’t crumpled, and shoves them at her. When she doesn’t take them, he frowns. “I’m not stupid, I heard what you said. I’m not… asking… again. God.”

She takes the papers with a sigh. It’s hotel stationery, covered in his slanting, messy script. “Have you… you haven’t been here all day, have you?”

“There are some things I need you to know, okay? Can you just read it, and I’ll leave you alone.” He’s staring at her, his jaw tight, one of those burning, judgmental stares that have always made her uncomfortable and annoyed. What if these looks… what if they’ve always been something else entirely?

He breaks the gaze and blinks at the faded carpet. “Right then. I guess that’s it.”

“Okay.” She replies simply, still holding the papers gingerly, not quite committed to taking them. There’s another long, uncomfortable pause, where Rae wonders if there’s something that she’s expected to say or do now, in the unfamiliar role of the one doing the rejecting. Eventually, she just starts walking towards the lift, pushes the button.

“Nice knowing you, Rae.” He says solemnly when she gets in and turns to face him.

She’s still thinking how to reply when the door shuts on Finn Nelson for good.

+++

(7 PM)

Dear Nan,

It’s really hard to write this, but I feel like if I don’t share it with someone, I’ll literally lose my mind. Right now I don’t feel like there’s anyone in my life that I can really talk to about my actual, true feelings. I wish you were around, like available for a proper conversation, or even just a hug, like when I was a wee boy, and I’d crawl into your lap after dinner, and you’d pet my hair and ask me questions. Or even later, when I grew up a little and for a while I didn’t want to share anything about my life anymore, but you had a way of asking, that didn’t take “No,” for an answer, not from anyone. If you were here, I’m sure I would gladly spill all the horrible, miserable things that happened today and how completely PATHETIC I acted, but on the other hand, I guess it’s better putting it down in a letter. I will try to spare you the really embarrassing, 17-year-old-boy thoughts, but forgive me in advance if I get carried away.

It was a bad idea, such a bloody bad idea. What was I thinking, even going there to talk to her? She’s impossible to talk to at the best of times, and I know that! Unreasonable, maddening girl.

It was just… last night at the play, Nan. You wouldn’t believe her last night, in this little dress and her hair all pretty and she was just… I dunno… such a sight for sore eyes. After all this time, to turn around and suddenly see her just standing there. I thought I was dreaming her again (except in my daydreams she’s never as mean as she is in real life). Look, it’s no secret I’ve been miserable. I thought it would end all my problems coming home, but it didn’t fix the Rae thing, did it? Because the longer I was away from her not knowing what she was up to or what that twat Archie (sorry for the language but you know exactly how I feel about that bloke) is doing with her, it just got worse and I couldn’t stop obsessing about it. Chop, of course, wasn’t helping either, always going on about his bloody broken heart and how he couldn’t believe Izzy would do that to him, and every time he asked us if maybe he should call her up just to give her a chance to explain, there was a part of me that was dying for him to do just that, ‘cause that would mean we’d have some contact with the Stamford people and maybe I’d know something.

Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that Izzy’s no good for him and that Rae’s no good for me, but it doesn’t seem to matter because all I wanted was to get on a train and just be there and just see her stupid face again and hear her stupid voice and annoy her so she goes off on one… I just really… missed her so bad. I don’t get it, but it’s undeniable.

Fact is, by the time we left, it was too late. I already had those feelings, that constant excitement in the pit of my stomach, every day waking up, knowing that I’d probably see her, around college or down the pub, or at the record shop, which was always the best because it was just us usually, and we could argue (or, as I was starting to see it, flirt) in privacy. And, you know, feeling like that was alarming, but kinda fun too, although I didn’t think I was in any real trouble, until the party.

Oh, god, the party…

Lois kept telling me that I was in love with Rae but I’d refused to indulge her, I kept saying she was exaggerating. I mean, I fancy her, sure, I think she’s beautiful and like, an amazing person, but I don’t “love” her, that’s such a crazy thing to say. So what if I can’t stop thinking about every word she’s ever said to me. So what if I keep replaying that kiss… if you can even call what we did at this party ‘a kiss’… over and over, going over it in my head, like a sad idiot. Without going into the graphic details, let me just say, it was nothing like anything that I’d experienced before. I was out of control with her. That never happens. I always know what I’m about when I’m with a girl. When Rae and I started… dancing, I couldn’t even tell you what the other people around were up to. Hell, I couldn’t even say where exactly we were and whether anyone was watching. And I don’t want you thinking I was too drunk, Nan, because I wasn’t drunk at all. I just… she was wearing this thing… it wasn’t even a proper dress. It was sheer and flimsy and there was skin everywhere and she smelled amazing and then I finally, finally got to kiss her… so… yeah. That was really scary to suddenly realize I was completely out of control and it was like - what am I doing? You know I don’t do things like that in public, I don’t even like kissing my girlfriends around my friends too much. And here I was… and it was so intense… I had to get away.

Knowing you, you’d say run away, and as usual, you’d be right. I needed to get some distance and clear my head, or whatever. I thought I was getting there, too. Despite all those obsessive thoughts, I thought I was starting to come around, be more myself again.

Except after one minute of talking to her at the theatre I was, like, on fire, my heart was racing the whole time, and on the drive home, and truth be told, that entire night when I should have been sleeping and, well, that’s enough sharing… So, thinking on what you would have advised me, I had the brilliant idea of going to talk to her to put the matter to rest, once and for all. I mean, I just couldn’t take it anymore and who knows if I’d ever get another chance like that again, right? (Don’t deny it, I know you just love the idea of me walking up to Rae and just pouring my heart out). And there was something so exciting - even though I was bricking it - about the idea of actually telling her, actually watching her face when she realized how much I like her.

‘Course, that was before she shat all over my heart… that was back when I thought she’d be happy to know that and that she maybe, maybe felt the same… I mean, the odds were that she was into me the same as I was into her, right? Not being arrogant or nothing, but, girls like me. That’s just a fact. But not this one! Oh no! Apparently, I’m the LAST PERSON SHE WOULD EVER WANT TO BE WITH. That’s what she said. Those were her words.

How could she think that? What’s so wrong with me, anyway? I’m losing my mind, going over and over every word she said and it’s all so vile, so painful, like my insides are crumpled and Rae Earl’s the one who crumpled them. Nan, I just don’t know how to

I don’t know…

continue existing.

This hurts, this really fucking hurts. I want to die.

But since I can’t… I’m going out to have a drink.

Love always, Finn

(22:40 PM)

Fuck her, just fuck her. how dar she say those things. Like she’s sucha a prise. Everything about her life is messed up, she a total mess!!! instead of being fucking gratful that a good looking,educated, rich bloke from a respepctable family is a bit interested in her fat arse she’s so fullof herself like write her a letter?? ? Fuck if I’ma gonna write her a letter, like I what, like I owe her an explaination with all the things or sommat if thas what she things And like who evenn I mean I sure don’t, fuckin go be with fucking archie that cunt, go be with your gay boyfrind and leaveme the fuk alone you stuped cosw

(23:25 PM)

sorry bout that Nan. I was a littttle drunk I’m sorr I’m all bettre now

(3:00 AM)

Do you remember Nina Mitchell from when I was little? I tried to kiss her behind the monkey bars and she threw a plastic brick at my head. Remember that?

I’ve been trying to remember, and that’s the actual last time I can come up with where a girl said no to me.

So stupid.

I'm pathetic.

The whole thing is.

(3:20 AM)

God, Nanna. What if she’s right, though? What if everything she thinks about me is dead on? Except for the Archie thing, which obviously was just him lying to her, what if it’s all true? That means I’m horrible, just a horrible person. I was so mean to her when we first met. The thought of how much I hurt her makes me cringe and feel sick inside… because I know other people hurt her and thinking about it makes me crazy and all I want to do is comfort her and protect her… but it’s too late and I can’t blame her for thinking I’m worthless and not wanting me like I want her.

God, I want her.

I wish we could know in advance, like when we first meet someone, to not be a dick to them, because even if now you can't tell, later on they will mean everything to you and it'll be too late because you fucked it up already and nothing you say can undo that early bullshit. Wish someone told me that a girl I wouldn't even look at twice if she came towards me in the street,

I feel like that was your job, Nan. Like, you should have told me that a girl I would start out thinking was beneath me could turn out to be so much better than me. That a girl I wouldn't have even looked at twice could be actually beautiful. So beautiful it would make my heart hurt.

(3:45)

Sorry Nan, you did do that, you did do your job, I just was a stupid boy and I didn't listen. Sorry. Sorry about everything. I love you.

Finn

TBC

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