Rewriting Your Narrative
I am deeply resentful for having a food addiction and body issues. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been preoccupied with food, either withholding or binging. I’ve tried every single diet/meal plan/gimmick under the sun. Sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn’t. Sometimes they worked short term, but always the weight came back on.
I was an athlete nearly my entire life, so I also used exercise as a way to control my weight. I can remember being a small child, maybe six or so, and telling my best friend’s sister, “I can eat whatever I want and still be skinny.” I was six! Why was that even on my mind?
I also know that I have a complicated relationship with food. First of all, I like it, a lot! I love to cook, I love to entertain. I love to show my love with food.
But I also “use” it. I use it to celebrate. I use it punish myself and others. I use it as fuck-you food. I use it console myself. I use, use, use.
I also know I do best with whole foods, more plant-based, less sugar and flour and dairy. I know my ideal meal plan…I know I don’t follow it. I lean toward convenience, boredom, reward, not wanting to be left out or call attention to myself, habit, etc. as my excuses for not following my meal plan.
I HATE that I have this addiction. I am so pissed off that I have this. I hate that I think about food all the time.
Then, of course, the food ties in so closely to body image. Growing up, there was a strong focus on being thin. My self-worth was definitely tied to my weight/size. Thin=good; overweight=bad.
So it’s no shock that I hate the relationship I have with my body. This love/hate thing. I hate that my excess weight is starting to cause physical issues, like high cholesterol and back issues. I hate that it is so hard to get dressed in anything other than sweatshirts and yoga pants. I hate that I cannot just go to my closet, pull out whatever, and have it look great, like it used to when I was thinner.
I hate that I hate my body. I know that this self-loathing effects me at a sometimes conscious, but mostly subconscious level. I know it affects my pride, my self-esteem, my relationships, my sex life, and my sense of security. I allow it to affect my confidence, which in turn affects my ambition.
And, of course, I know my HUGE part in this. After all, I’m the one and the ONLY one actually putting the food in my mouth. I know that I allow my self-flagellation, my constant comparing, my people pleasing, and then shutting down and rebelling to keep me shoveling the food in rather than committing to abstinence.
I am putting everyone else first (convenience, people pleasing, staying stuck in past trauma) rather than putting myself and my health and abstinence and program first. And I am choosing that, yet I point to all the other stuff and say — but THAT’S why… it’s THEIR fault.
It may be their “fault”, but I am the one who still chooses to listen and react. And I don’t need to.
I can choose to rewrite this narrative and realize that I have a perfectly nice body. I have the tools to improve my health, and I can feed myself the food and emotions and energy it needs to heal.
I can choose me.









