Confessions of a Movie Lover

"Everyone seems better in old movies...happier maybe."

[confessionsofamovielover]

Hang in There, It Gets Better

It is getting harder and harder to stay afloat, and I am tired of swimming.

The waves are getting bigger and stronger, and I feel too weak to fight them any longer.

(What if I gave up? What if I stopped fighting?)

Although, it seems like I am hitting a new low on a daily basis, I will not stop. Quitting is not in my blood. I will keep on moving till I drop dead. If needed, I will wake up every morning and tell myself that I have to survive just one more bad day, and then it will get better. (When? When will it get better? Will it ever?)

My heart is heavy, my mind is clouded, my whole body is weighted down by my demons. But enough is enough! No matter how faintly, but I am still hanging in there and I will not let go!

[confessionsofamovielover]

Perfectly Imperfect

It takes a lot of work to accept who you really are, especially if you are struggling with mental health issues. 2018 was a terribly hard year for me, where I needed to adjust my focus. I realized that I was so concerned about everything and everybody else around me, that I did not even see that I was slowly falling apart.

The last semester of uni would have been stressful enough on its own, but this was precisely the time when my anxiety and depression got worse. It took me all my mental strength to get through all the exams and to hand in all the assignments, but I did it, and I was extremely proud of myself when they handed me my degree. Not only did I finish despite my issues, but I also ended up being one of the bests of my class.

Then summer came. The season everybody loves, especially my depression. But this time it was different, I experienced the most terrifying thing in my life, that changed my world view completely. Consequently, my panic attacks got more frequent and even more powerful. I was desperate to find a way out of this craziness my life has become.

This was the state of mind I started my Master's Degree last September. And even though, I had an amazing friend group and the classes were not that academically challenging for me, I felt strangely off. First, I could not tell what was wrong, I was doing everything like I did before. But suddenly it hit me. It was like I was on auto-pilot, I was not in charge of my body any more. I got out of bed in the morning, got dressed, went to uni, learnt, spoke, laughed, but at the end of the day I could not recall any of it. I was paralysed by the fear of losing complete control.

After a while it did not matter to me any more that I had an amazing support system. For anything I felt even more guilty for being utterly numb and not being able to interact with my family and friends the way I wanted. I was considering finding myself a therapist for a long time at this point, but I still needed a final kick.

And that final kick arrived in the form of a dark-haired, golden-eyed bundle of pure gorgeousness and caring. He found the strength in himself to love all my broken pieces and to encourage me to better myself in all sorts of ways. He showed me that love might not heal you, but it can certainly act as a glue to get all the little pieces back together again. After he gave me the final push, I ended up visiting a psychiatrist at the end of 2018. Although it might have been the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life, I believe it was the best I could do.

When the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve, and I could start the New Year hand in hand with Him, I made myself a little promise. 2019 will be the year when I accept that I am perfectly imperfect and start to actively work on my mental health. It will not be easy, but I have to do it for myself, and only for myself. Simply because I do not want to live my life being caged by my own mind. I want to enjoy every second I got to spend with my loved ones. So here is to the new year and to the old, upgraded me. Let this serve as a reminder that even though times get though now and then, I am capable of overcoming the difficulties.

[confessionsofamovielover]

"We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve"

In the past couple of weeks I have been a terrible friend. I hit the deepest rock bottom ever, so I decided to completely shut everyone I love the most out of my life.

I had to deal with a good deal of serious stuff lately and I was afraid if I shared them, they would become reality. The truth is: unfortunately, they ARE indeed very much reality, and I can do absolutely nothing about them. The sooner I face the facts and deal with them, the better.

There is a quote that resonated with me for years: "we accept the love we think we deserve". The way my friends love me blows my mind. They are there for me, no matter what. I simply cannot wrap my head around the constant support they provide me. And yet, in my darkest hours I still doubt that I deserve them. I believe that my non-existent love life goes back to the exact same roots: 1) I am terrified from people who would give me all the stars (and the moon, and the sun, and whatever I ever wanted) so I turn them away because they would love me in a way that I do not think I deserve 2) I only get involved with the biggest assholes the world has ever created due to the sheer fact that they are incapable to give any kind of love 3) I always choose unobtainable crushes (random guy I have seen on the bus, the cute guy working in a craft store I do not frequent, etc), the least unreachable the potential relationship, the better, since then I do not have to feel uncomfortable of the love they might try to share with me. I do this because deep inside I know that the terrible daughter of an amazing mother and an even more awful friend of the most remarkable people, does not deserve love in her life.

At the very end of July my second niece was born, and since then my three years old first niece needed babysitting. People say that children are capable of unconditional love, however they only give it to certain people, because they sense who is worthy of it. The longer I am with her, the more hugs I get from her and the more laughter we share, I slowly realise that I was wrong. If my niece, who is still untouched by the constant struggles and worries of life is able to love me the way she does, then I should allow other people in my life to do the same.

This is an apology for my friends. I am extremely sorry for the way I treated you. I just needed time to realise that people love me for a reason (and this reason is not the answers of a test any more as it was back in primary school). And just like you always are, I am here for you no matter what. There is only one thing I need to remember: we are all worthy of love. Thank you that I can call you my friend, it means the world to me.

[confessionsofamovielover]

All the Little Things.

It has been one of those times lately when I felt really good in my skin. My anxiety left me alone for a while and I could enjoy the little things happening around me. So I just wanted to write about them, as a sort of reminder for the gloomy days: it can, and it will get better! So here’s a list of what made me happy in the last couple of days:

- The weather was really good lately; the spring sunshine always makes me feel a hundred times better. The smell of spring wind and the warmth of sunshine on your skin is the most precious feeling ever.

- I am finally able to tackle all the overwhelming projects and assignments that need to be done in due course and this makes me feel incredibly powerful. Sometimes when I am having one of those really bad anxiety periods, I am just unable to get anything done, because all I want to do is build a fort out of blankets and never come out. However, this time around of the year I usually get more productive.

- One thing I have never really tried before is aromatherapy. Recently I read an article about the anxiety soothing benefits of it, so I decided to give it a go. It works, I love it, and my room smells amazing, so it is a definite keeper for me.

- Yesterday I randomly accompanied one of my best friends on a shopping trip, and it turned out to be just what I needed. We are both really private with our life, but whenever we go out together for a while, our chats get really deep. It is always like a “soul deep cleaning”, which is always much-needed and much-appreciated.

- Another thing that happened yesterday is that HE sat down next to me in class again. This time I was not that nervous because of his proximity, it just made me bubble with energy inside. I got to over-analyse every single move he made during that 100 minutes we were talking about fairy tales in class (shout out to that weird high school teacher who was obsessed with body language and forced us to read about it…A LOT). We were talking about the fact that Hungarian tales like to incorporate numbers and one of the most used ones is number three. Three: because if something happens twice, it still can be a coincidence, but if it happens three times, then it was definitely done on purpose. So we shall see what happens in next week’s episode of “Over-Analysing My Crush’s Body Language”, stay tuned, folks.

- What got me going really strong in the last week or so is that I started to work out again. I have never thought that I would be one of those people who feel amazing after doing some exercise, but apparently the only thing I needed was to find the right type of workout that I really enjoy. I put some music on, have a dance-cardio exercise session, and I love every single minute of it.

I realise that these things are really miss-matched, but hey, this is a glimpse to my messed up mind.

[confessionsofamovielover]

The Art of Overthinking.

Today you sat down right next to me and I could not breathe. This time not because of my anxiety, but rather because of your proximity. This is not your usual place to sit, and there were many other seats available, yet you decided to choose this one. You have no idea what a waterfall of thoughts you have started in my head the minute you sat down. First, I only noticed the bright blue colour of your jumper (exactly the type I would steal if we were together), and then your masculine smell reached my nose. You ran your fingers through your hair and beard, and all I could think about is how bad I wish to do the same. You rested your elbow really close to mine; maybe you longed to get closer to me as well. Your cheeks went red when we laughed at the same jokes. I was too eager to get the book you handed to me, and I am sad you decided not to look in my eyes; you could have seen how happy your proximity made me. But I get it; closeness can get a bit overwhelming.

Today you sat down right next to me. It was like any other ordinary days. This is not your usual place to sit, and there were many other seats available, except this time you wanted to sit closer to the window to get more light and to get a bit of fresh air. You had no intention to start a waterfall of thoughts in my head; you just wanted to pay attention to what the professor was saying. You wore your blue jumper and your signature scent because you felt like it, not because you wanted to appeal someone. You ran your fingers through your hair and beard, because you were bored and had nothing to do with your hands. You rested your elbow really close to mine since we were sitting in the second row and this way you could get a better view of the professor. Your cheeks went red because the warmth of the classroom was unbearable. You did not look in my eyes when you passed over the book, because you just did what the professor asked you to do. I get it; it was like any other ordinary days.

[confessionsofamovielover]

I deserve to be happy.

You know those days when you suddenly gain a new clarity of your life and decisions? This is one of them. Due to my anxiety and depression I frequently decide not to speak to anyone for a while. It is either because I am literally paralysed by my anxiety or completely misled by my depression-demons. I often say such things to myself as “they are so happy, you should not spoil their happiness with your problems” or “I am glad I am alone, because no one would want to be with such a messed up person as I am”. And most of the times my loved ones seem to agree. Sometimes they unintentionally imply, and other times straight up say to my face that I might be better off alone.

What is the really tricky thing with depression and anxiety is that I am constantly in desperate need of support and reinforcement, and when I do not get either of them, I tend to doubt my self-worth. Today I realised that it is all my fault. I have to be more straightforward with the people I love, they are not mind readers, and they cannot magically guess what I need to hear at that specific moment. This morning I woke up with determination, I decided to finally get my shit together. I had a productive day and a new plan started to be outlined in my mind: I might just give this whole socialising and love thing a new try. I will take this one step at a time, slowly, steadily. There is no need to rush here.

I can see my closest friends getting in relationships and being happy as ever. This warms up my heart. They deserve to be happy. And you know what? I deserve to be happy as well. For the longest time I had no idea what I wanted from my life and decided to build a wall around me to protect me from everything, even from the good things. However, now I can see clearer. That tall guy with the cute smile and gorgeous eyes might have something to do with it though. I have always been very intuitive and now I have this strange feeling that this might be the start of something good. And I am not saying that we will magically end up in an amazing relationship (although I would very much love that), but he reminded me how good it feels to care for someone romantically. I love those butterflies in my stomach, I could get used to them again. He weirdly made me realise that no matter how messed up I might feel, there are people in my life who truly care about me

[confessionsofamovielover]

Take care.

Today is one of those really bad days. I had everything planned out: wake up bright and early, get ready, have a nice breakfast, go to the nearest city to get stuff done, return home, make a bullet journal spread to put my mind at ease and work on my thesis. Well, most of this didn't happen. I woke up depressed two days in a row, I spent 1,5 hours in bed before I could even get myself to get out of it, then I forced myself to eat and get ready. Had a phone call with my mom, which ended with her saying “Take care” and I suddenly had the urge to cry, but I was unable to do so. It's like I was a really stubborn champagne bottle in which the tension is nearly unbearable but it still cannot be opened.

It is getting worse again. I noticed that my clothes do not fit me anymore, I lost weight again. My hands are shaking so much that I am hardly able to do my daily chores, and I am scared that people will notice. I am pushing everybody away again, I hardly speak with anyone anymore; they would not understand this anyway. At least this is what I keep telling myself. “Take care”, it echoes in my mind and I feel guilty, because I do the exact opposite. I choose not to eat, struggle with the most mundane tasks and try to avoid people as much as I can. Today an old school friend said “hello” at the bus stop and when I uttered a quiet “hi”, I could not recognise my own voice: it was weak and shaky, the exact representation of how I feel right now.

When I left the house and was closing the door a lonely snowflake landed on the handle. It was gorgeous, almost perfect, but had a small part missing. I could not help but stare at it for a while. It made me think. That small snowflake struggled itself down to earth, had a bit of itself lost while travelling, yet it looked as gorgeous as ever. Are not we all like this small winter wonder? We manage to get through so many things that it is unavoidable to lose a bit of ourselves in the process, but we are still one of a kind, a true miracle.

[confessionsofamovielover]

It all started with a smile.

We are talking about Hitchcock’s Vertigo in class. I have so many things to say about this film, since I love Hitchcock. I want to talk about the colour symbolism, the power relations, the framing, the cinematography, but I remain silent, I am petrified and unable to speak. I know the answer to all the questions, but it feels like the road between my mind and my mouth was blocked. My heart is heavily pounding inside my chest and I cannot breathe. It is not me who is in charge of my body, but my anxiety.

We mention that people are inclined to have an unattainable object of desire, because it is what moves them through life. You are sitting right in front of me, there are only a few meters between us, but I feel like you are miles away. I am aware of all the glimpses that you take of me when you think I am not paying attention, and I know that you avoid making eye contact on purpose. I even secretly hope you avoid it for the exact same reason I do. On the first class when we accidentally locked eyes and you smiled at me, it moved something in me. This terrified and made me extremely excited all at once, because for the longest time I was unable to feel anything, I was completely numb. You made me feel alive again. However, as the class proceeds it becomes painfully obvious that you are my unattainable object of desire. You are unreachable, not because of the few stupid meters between us, but because my depression and anxiety take the best out of me. I am aware that until I let this happen, my body will remain an empty, shivering shell of numb nothingness.

I want to see your warm smile spread across your face again; I want to know whether your eyes are brown, or whether there is a tint of green to them, I want to feel your fingers intertwine with mine, I want to have deep and silly discussions with you. You are everything I always wanted, and even more, because you are real and you are here. The sad thing is that I am not there with you, only my anxiety is. My bones are filled with panic and my blood rushes through my veins as if there was no tomorrow. And still, I wish there was, because I want to experience happiness by your side. After all, it all started with a smile.