"We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve"
In the past couple of weeks I have been a terrible friend. I hit the deepest rock bottom ever, so I decided to completely shut everyone I love the most out of my life.
I had to deal with a good deal of serious stuff lately and I was afraid if I shared them, they would become reality. The truth is: unfortunately, they ARE indeed very much reality, and I can do absolutely nothing about them. The sooner I face the facts and deal with them, the better.
There is a quote that resonated with me for years: "we accept the love we think we deserve". The way my friends love me blows my mind. They are there for me, no matter what. I simply cannot wrap my head around the constant support they provide me. And yet, in my darkest hours I still doubt that I deserve them. I believe that my non-existent love life goes back to the exact same roots: 1) I am terrified from people who would give me all the stars (and the moon, and the sun, and whatever I ever wanted) so I turn them away because they would love me in a way that I do not think I deserve 2) I only get involved with the biggest assholes the world has ever created due to the sheer fact that they are incapable to give any kind of love 3) I always choose unobtainable crushes (random guy I have seen on the bus, the cute guy working in a craft store I do not frequent, etc), the least unreachable the potential relationship, the better, since then I do not have to feel uncomfortable of the love they might try to share with me. I do this because deep inside I know that the terrible daughter of an amazing mother and an even more awful friend of the most remarkable people, does not deserve love in her life.
At the very end of July my second niece was born, and since then my three years old first niece needed babysitting. People say that children are capable of unconditional love, however they only give it to certain people, because they sense who is worthy of it. The longer I am with her, the more hugs I get from her and the more laughter we share, I slowly realise that I was wrong. If my niece, who is still untouched by the constant struggles and worries of life is able to love me the way she does, then I should allow other people in my life to do the same.
This is an apology for my friends. I am extremely sorry for the way I treated you. I just needed time to realise that people love me for a reason (and this reason is not the answers of a test any more as it was back in primary school). And just like you always are, I am here for you no matter what. There is only one thing I need to remember: we are all worthy of love. Thank you that I can call you my friend, it means the world to me.
