The freedom to fall in love is often taken for granted, but in many countries there are still laws legislating against adult, consensual relationships. Often touted as protection for children, laws against gay or consanguineous relationships do nothing more than cause anguish for those who have found themselves with these feelings.
Feelings of love should be cherished, and law dictating such feeling does nothing but harm those who would otherwise have a chance to grow their feelings into something beautiful. In the following interview, I have the privilege to talk to a young lady who has romantic feelings, and has continued to be affected negatively by these laws.
How would you describe yourself? Your gender, age range, romantic orientation?
Well, I guess I would say that I'm a lesbian trans woman in her early 20's, that's a succinct description.
And the person you have feelings for? How would you describe them, and your relation to them?
She's my younger sister, also early 20's, and she's cisgender and bisexual.
Could you elaborate on what feelings you have for your younger sister?
So many feelings, honestly, I obviously love her like a sister, just, I'm also *in* love with her too, romantically, very gay in fact.
Most people would view having both romantic and familial feelings as a contradiction. Do you find these feelings come in conflict often? Or are they complimentary?
Hmm, I wouldn't say they come into direct conflict a majority of the time, in fact I would actually say they are mostly complimentary, a lot of what goes into being a good sister and being a good partner has to do with caring for and respecting who you love; though, they do come into conflict in, at least, my own desire for romantic connection versus the platonic expression of familial and sisterly love.
How long have you had the romantic feelings for your sister?
Honestly? I couldn't say definitively. A lot of my childhood and teenage years were emotionally muddled from a variety of factors, not least of all being trans gender without realizing it.
But I do know that I've always cared for my sister and can say for certainly that I knew I was in love about 4 years ago now.
In those four years would you say you experienced self-hate or hardships due to your feelings for your sister?
Yes, I dealt with a lot of self-hatred and self-loathing, compounding my love for her with a variety of other issues.
If there was a lesser stigma against these feelings, do you think you would have had an easier time?
Absolutely, just meeting other people dealing with these feelings online helped me immensely, if I didn't have to worry about the social stigma or consequences, can't even imagine how much that would've changed things.
Do you think your sister would be supportive of people in relationships similar to the one you desire?
I don't know, honestly, she's been very progressive and accepting of others, even supporting me in my transition, but I'm not sure how much that would translate when it's something widely considered "taboo" and "disgusting".
If incest were legal where you lived, do you think she would have an easier time accepting it?
Perhaps, definitely wouldn't hurt though, at least.
Do you have any plans to talk to your sister about your feelings?
At present? No, none at all, trying to repair a relationship and be closer as sisters is hard enough without adding more pressure and risk like that, unfortunately.
Maybe in the future, maybe.
Would it change if the law were to change in the near future?
Absolutely would change my plans, probably wouldn't immediately confess my undying love right then and there, but I'd be more confident in sharing that part of myself with her, even if she didn't reciprocate.
Thank you so much for talking to me. Before we finish the interview, do you have anything you'd like to say to people who experience similar feelings?
Thank you for having me! And to anyone else struggling with these feelings, it's okay, you're not broken or perverse, you're just in love and that's wonderful <3
The holidays are a tumultuous time for many gay and transgender people. Being out and having to navigate the varying levels of acceptance, being closeted or having to go back into the closet to appease the expected family dynamics. Everyone has a right to their own identity, to find a partner, to be happy. These are things that are not universally accepted, many countries still do not have gay marriage or access to proper transgender health care, but we can understand them as undeniable rights. People deserve to be happy, and even if you donât understand why they want what they do, you can be happy for them.
So when a family falls apart because of a revelation about someones true gender, or because of the type of person they bring with them for the holidays, whose fault is it? Family bonds are undoubtably important, and to be without them because of who you are or who you love is horrible. Is it the fault of the person trying to find their own happiness? I imagine no one would say it was. A family that canât adapt to the happiness of a member is at fault. Those who seek happiness at the risk of losing family are brave. I think those that lose their family in exchange made a very difficult decision. To tell that person their family bonds were ruined due to their decision is undoubtedly cruel, to legislate against them in order to protect those bonds is unthinkable.
The bond family members share is beautiful. When family members become best friends as well, it is admired. Both of these are beautiful bonds, and they exist in a harmony. No one is worried that becoming friends would harm existing familial relationships. Being romantically involved with a friend is likewise an addition to a beautiful thing. Many date their friends, and while there is a fear of a break-up ruining what existed, there is of course no legislation against it. Adults are expected to make such risky decisions between themselves, and are often rewarded with loving and beautiful relationships.
So when two family members seek to add another bond in addition to their existing one, why are they restricted to only friendship? Such developments are so often stated as a risk to the family bond, that they would be ostracized. It is stated that, upon breaking up, they would lose what they had before.
These are, of course, true. Risks come with relationships of this nature, and anytime you develop a relationship or add another type of relationship between people, things will change. This risk is one between those involved directly, though. Adults are expected to make such risks, and such relationships always come with them. Why then legislate against it as well? Why must those seeking happiness carry the burden of their familyâs inability to adapt to it?
The holidays are difficult, but also a beautiful time of family and friends. I hope everyone who has had to risk losing their family through coming out, or being found out, has a loving support group for this end of year. I hope next year is better for us all. I hope that anyone who has lost family will eventually recover them, and they will come to understand that which caused them to stray from you in the first place.
Nobuko Yoshiya, a Japanese author, was one of the countries first to publish lesbian fiction, her first work starting serialization in 1916. She was a lesbian, and found love in a mathematics teacher in an all girls school in the early 20s. At the time, as you can probably guess, Japan did not (and still does not) have marriage equality. Luxuries such as sharing property, tax relief or even medical decisions for each other were not offered to gay couples at the time. The couple did obtain these benefits though: Nobuko adopted her lover of 30 years. What is marriage, after all, if not becoming family? This solved their issues, but Iâm sure readers may pick up on another one it created.
Becoming family through marriage is one thing, but adoption would put them in the realm of incest, even if itâs by a technicality. Fortunately, incest is legal in Japan, and in many other countries. The couple encountered no issues with legally being mother-daughter, and recouped some benefits otherwise denied to them due to marriage inequality.
Iâm sure all but the most stubborn of people could accept their odd arrangement: after all, they were in an established relationship beforehand, and itâs not like they are actually related. No one would call this relationship incestuous.
If they were to have the same or a similar arrangement in America, they would potentially face anywhere from 2 years to a lifetime in prison. Two adults, in a loving relationship, going to prison for years or decades. Now, obviously they would not have to enter such an arrangement in America since we have Marriage Equality right?
Many people will remember the Marriage Equality USA (MEUSA) push and subsequent win for gay marriage in 2015. I certainly do, I was driving at the time and had to pull off to the highway shoulders so I could recover properly. It was an amazing win, and certainly a moment I will never forget. But I think calling it Marriage Equality is dishonest. It isnât equal unless all consenting relationships can marry, and related couples can not marry. This includes cases like Nobuko and her âdaughterâ, it includes cases of people who meet later in life and discover they are full or half-blooded siblings. It includes cases of people who meet as adults due to a parent remarrying, and feel a spark of attraction.
What are these laws protecting against? Do these couples not deserve their love recognized? The ability to make medical decisions for each other if the worst were to happen? To share ownership of their dream home?
The common response is âitâs to prevent birth defects or weakening the gene pool.â This response is the most concerning to me, because it implies a direct connection between marriage and having children. Marriage is not about building a family together for everyone, and it is entirely possible to start a family outside of marriage (as many people choose to do, or are forced to do.) It highlights the assumption that the purpose of marriage is children, which, speaking as a gay person, is an uncomfortable assumption to make.
There are of course other responses about the sanctity of marriage (divorce does away with that quite well), itâs disgusting (this should sound familiar for anyone who was gay in the 90s), itâs unnatural (again, feels very familiar), etc.
People can not see themselves having this sort of relationship, so they canât empathize with the situation. They think it is an uncommon occurrence. It is something that doesnât need discussed because it just is âalways wrong.â
In 2015, when I pulled off to cry at hearing that gay marriage was now federally legalized, I didnât cry because I was in a gay relationship, hoping to be married. At the time, I was in a straight relationship actually. I wouldnât figure out I was gay for another year, largely in part due to the ruling. I cried because I saw a struggle of people who deserved the same rights I had, and while I couldnât completely understand their feelings, I believed them to be genuine.
Years from now, I hope I get to pull off another highway, or excuse myself from a conversation, and cry again because of another victory for marriage equality. I hope that the couples out there who desperately wish to marry get their chance. I donât condemn anyone for feelings I may not understand, just like what was afforded us in the years leading up to the 2015 ruling.
