the house of sudden sleep

"Everyone knows that a place exists which is not economically or politically indebted to all the vileness and compromise. That is not obligated to reproduce the system. That is writing. If there is a someplace else that can escape the infernal representation, it lies in that direction, where it writes itself, where it dreams, where it invents new worlds." - Helene Cixous

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Invisibleeding into myself. A daily reminder, or invitation. Wondering when the next end will come to punctuate the time before the new beginning Wondering how to play my rage so it keeps things in place or delightfully displaced as is the water it’s the emotion that matters How can I transcend or alchemize double boil a poison, make it something necessary, freeze worthy for the coming darkness. Make it a beautiful relic of hateful times past used now only for love. Take that hate like an origami crane, because i love you. To love is to not flinch when you drop the pots and pans on the tile with a clang To not take the invasiveness of the sound personally.

I might experiment with dispersion Remembering other males And typing up messages to them Because those messages are red herring weapons; not true threats yet i could be convinced in a moment

You should never be the target of my vengeance as long as it’s trigger is your lack

Where does this cruelty come from, how long has it been that, or there, how long does it stay. Cruelty seems to harden and dust encased in our folds I pray it isn’t mine or something generated by me but a functional cruelty created by the combinations of winds in order to blow out a peephole into a new reality

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Caffeine

When depression sets in deep warm and mild like my eyes When it settles in just enough to calm my limbs

I care little enough that when my mood lifts again Lifts only a little I care the perfectly little enough amount to truly enjoy Things

Things have changed. I have changed. Accept it. Things are the same no more.

I curve in on myself To Accept the shadow And the hunger Just relax All I want is to fully And finally Relax.

People all around me do it sleep when the wifi ain’t work (You told me several times all you wanted was for me to fall asleep with you and on New Year’s Day I did i relaxed so thoroughly I drooled on your shoulder. Now i suspect your appeal is a gimmick: Part of your “scene”. Is my fleeting self loathing what your love pays for? I’m always trying to do the math. Wondering what I give back. Guilt gimmicks, fake wishes. Powerless in my demands) The sleep surprises their upright bodies awake with little jerks They jerk the row of seats I don’t mind I mind a little I don’t mind that much

Sometimes The sockets of my eyes look like bruises I wonder what it means

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coffee warm enough for comfort but comfort is too harsh for the rawness of my tongue.

When I was fourteen I picked up four tabs of lsd at the park and stared at the mirror in the living room for a full forty five minutes admiring its length, flexibility, and imminent disappearance.

I try to hold an ongoing sober and humble love for the outdated feminists- the ani difrancos the Gloria Steinems the Kathleen hannas - for their Saturns rock their Venuses just like mine. And their personal alienation will constantly both drive and separate them from the objects of their devotion. Regardless how wrong, these women will always be innocent.

I’ve tried to quell my own innocence without much success.

The post thirty life brings embarrassment with self injurious marks and moments of awkwardly placed reason amid flurries of rages with the sentiment of placing the marks in the place my lovers are least likely to see yet are not fully inside me. I want those burns as close and as faraway as can be.

And then the sobering truth that if I have to take one more antibiotic this year the doctor will recommend a daily self administered shot of white blood cells. The neutrophils are required to heal cuts and burns.

So next time I do backflips in my bedroom, making my voice hoarse, telling him I will and I won’t and im sorry and I’m not and someone is going to die and please please please understand why why why NOT why and please, let me see if it helps to think of the Nupogen shots. I don’t think it will help.

I wish I knew another way.

I’m pushing my luck. I don’t want to push my luck. I don’t want to rely on sedatives. I don’t want to drive my lovers to health crises. Nor vice verse.

I don’t want my mother to look at me with that look. Like I’m a crazy unpredictable drunken old eccentric when I feel like a baby on the edge of a cliff.

I don’t want to “take my sister and her fiancé out for their engagement”. Where is “out”? How far does it go? I don’t want to take anyone any further than I’d take them if they were single and sterile. I don’t think want to “take” anyone anywhere, unless to the best land of all time which lives in my mind while he drives the screw into my floorboard all the while before and after denying that this location is the only actual point on the map.

In the landless land where the truth becomes clear, facts glisten like trees in the fog, the vaporous lights sway breathy and fully bereaved because the flood of feeling is so great and so sure that any truth is accepted with a mother’s arms.

Everyday Im booking my flight packing my bags and checking my itinerary.

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What if “bliss” brings hell and decay and helping the needy brings unexpected moments of bliss…. What if bliss is not under my jurisdiction …

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I almost had a feeling today when I saw the homeless man in the snow. Then i really almost had a feeling when I gave him a twenty and he said “you have no idea how much this helps me”. But before the feeling could come out my boyfriend and I went back to fighting about whether or not I should get chin Botox. What we’re really fighting about is whether I should “help the needy” or “follow my bliss” But he doesn’t know that because if I told him that was what we were fighting about he would either tell me to help the needy or follow my bliss.

Now here I sit guiltily fending off the nagging sinking question: if I hadn't allowed the feeling to happen, had I really gotten my twenty dollars worth? Or Why was it the *white male* homeless man who got my twenty? Did I for so long only donate change to the non white, to narrow down my sense of guilty giving in the panhandler saturated Berkeley sidewalks, that you had to be a really special white person to get my money? And then somehow insidiously white homeless people became more "special"? Now I remember twenty dollars actually is next to nothing.

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Better be in New York dead or alive

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I have been awake for two hours and I’ve already done the following: 1)regret the way I acted last night 2) notice the amount of messages I received while asleep with a distant sense of gratitude 3) texted man with carefully allotted ratios of apology and flirtation 4) see Facebook message from old classmate/kindergarten bullying partner in which it sounds like she’s trying to sell me something and feel deep regret that I cant use my newfound title to fend off her assumptions of superiority 5) look into reversing my refusal of newfound title 6) answer call from man 7) cry- say I don’t want to go out tonight. Say I love that he loves me but I don’t love myself and his loving me while I don’t love myself is really nice but it doesnt help me love myself 8) worry that rejection of newfound title leaves me completely vulnerable and a sucker 9) realize what I want as a title and how I actually want to spend my days are not in accordance 10) feel like a failure 11) read compassionate note/cry 12) fantasize about redeeming the role of superhero warrior whore and how it might ironically help my relationship despite providing stress. How that can be a scapegoat for probably inevitable relationship problems which at the same time acts conveniently to reinforce, instead of degrade, my ego . Try to imagine other ways of doing this that don’t require mandatory handjobs/beatings or doing anything duplicitous 13) re-embrace the possibility that maybe he sees other women 14) revise my dietary restrictions to exclude all red meat and sugar, grains, nuts, and seeds. 15) realize the importance of half moon pose 16) take pictures of dark denim 17) muse about the freedom to fake 18) wonder about Marilyn Monroe 19) rationalize the health benefits of skipping hot yoga- decide to do 8 min abs instead 20) feel better about my ephemeral sense of self 21) choose feather earrings 22) get re-excited to travel 23) forget if I locked the door

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Today I felt regret again for kicking in my chance at an identity when I wanted to say something about myself To a childhood frienemy And then I pushed myself to the next when I realized I don't need to say anything

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A tree with leaves flickering like Xmas lights in the SF wind

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Did I change my mind senselessly again? Can I make it work without work? Can I only work on what makes my head spin? Do i need to learn another healing modality? No. Do I need to join another class? No. Can I be radical right now Can I sometimes rely on pills Can I take advantage of my freedom and still fulfill a purpose Yes

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Restoring whorish infrastructure to marzipan my heart Loving you felt like chocolate pudding So good to watch it jiggle Want more and wonder where it's gone Should I mix another batch How long til it sets I'm a wreck Took on an extra planetary composure to make room for the fact of temptation My tunnel vision could never be matched So I leave you Partially, secretly Letting my heart scab

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A said some things about me today that I want to remember. He said the reason I seem “so myself” is because I don’t hold back any of my impressions and it’s all right there. It makes me stand out and might scare people who are very emotionally controlled. He said it makes me seem confident even though I may not feel confident.

He also said when I go to another place I can take him to another place.

Last night was one of alienation. I wore 200 dollar heels and shiny pants to Manhattan, turning out to be way overdressed for a baseball party. I felt stiff and fancy in the way I imagine Manhattan clubs to be, like a luxury apartment building. Yet the party was casual and warmhearted. Then people were doing white drugs and as soon as I took part, I became more sober feeling than I had felt maybe ever. All I wanted to do was go home, take cabbage, floss. I felt zero libidinal swirlings. By 7am I was mentally terrified I would never feel anything again, nor would i sleep. I had never before experienced such an appreciation for the highly emotional quality of my life.

A says i throw myself completely into everything. I felt like he really got some thing about me because even though I have never looked at it that way i am all too familiar with a tremendous sense of inertia, and have had the sense before that I cannot do anything unless I’m very excited by it. When he said this I was suddenly aware of the potential paradoxical strength of what I have felt to this heaviness or lack of focus. He has his own kind of genius which I don’t fully understand/may be channeled somehow via whiskey perhaps.

We wrote two songs tonight. He is going away again tomorrow. I manifest peace and safety for he and I for now and always.

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Hone in on the honesty Most dangerous works of sex Villains A dream about the cute cartoon narcissist who does hover here Harlem man shot in hover board sale

The right amount of danger right amount of ice in the clouds Right amount of Threaten my man to go out dancing If he stays away too long

How long does this last ? Can I buy more time? If I burn through cash can I beat the time collapse? Make the most Assume the position Of the highest orator Of the best joke

Buy new skin Materialize more gold The danger of the city when it’s cold rips holes in my tights Burns me up like I'm the overheated complex

Shows me what I want/what I’m not

Collecting resins and backup plans

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I hate the bitch at hot yoga for telling me spine was out of alignment just cuz I asked her how I could improve at the half locust.

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The duplicitous culture of LA

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Can your narcissistic exploitation feed my narcissistic supply?

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Re-membering

Everyone else is more enlightened than you might believe them to be Open your eyes Go outside

Your privilege makes you stupid Your money makes you boring Make every effort to stay connected with edges of need around you Or your creativity could become irrelevant