Day 3 of having the flu and I'm feeling low. I feel like I need to put out all that I'm holding onto so I can move through it, rather than holding it in to fester. Some of what I write won't even be true, but as the thoughts continue to reoccur, I need to remind myself of that.
First, I'm glad to have therapy back in my life starting on Wednesday, hopefully soon Tumblr won't see all of my dark clouds unless it's just a passing spring shower.
Daddy, I miss you and I wish I was celebrating your birthday with you. I'm tired of holding the torch, I'd like to sit down. I hope I feel well enough by Tuesday to find a way to celebrate, even if right now that feels impossible but if I don't, I promise we will as soon as possible.
I have had to ask for help lately, but it seems when I do, life decides to play cruel tricks on those around me. It makes me want to curl up and never ask anyone for anything. First, a friend came to stay with me for 3 weeks to help me get back up after I reached out as I was struggling and then not even 2 days after being with me, they got some tragic news that forced them in between a rock and a hard place. While I loved spending the time I had with them, the help I needed was pushed to the side as I didn't want to burden them, so I put my brave face on as I do, and enjoyed the time as equals when in reality, I masked. Then again, I'm down with the Flu and asked my neighbor to walk Luna as a favor, she said yes, but tomorrow, and then she ended up sick the next day. Was this my fault? No, but does it feel like the world's punishing me, by punishing others, a little bit, but I know I'm not actually that important. See, writing this out helped me understand that they are not connected, but my brain was connecting them and it was bogging me down. Bad things happen for no reason, just ask my Dad. 💀
I finally have a job that I am actually excited to interview for for the first time in a very long time, and my interview is on Monday as I'm still recovering from the flu. Again on the woe is me, let me process sheeeesh
Trying to take care of 3 animals and myself on my own while dealing with the worst flu I ever remember having, has been a moment that is testing my mother fuckiiiiin patience. I held it down driving 4 states with these hoes over 3 days with less stress. They can't just lay around the house and just be?! FUCK. Scar won't stop walking over my chest every morning, and I'm convinced he is trying to keep me down. I had to hire a dog walker because Luna won't stop fucking whining. I get it, I should be a better person or something, but right now I'm considering leaving the front door open. Shout out to Sage for being the most unproblematic of my animals during this time, you will be getting A WHOLE DAY OF BUTT SCRATCHES when this shit is over, you perfect fucking princess. I love you. Scar... Luna.. this is for you 😘 🖕🏻
I keep trying to decide if moving here was worth it, but I don't think that matters. What's done is done and I need to start appreciating where I'm at while I'm here. I need to get better, I need to recover both physically and mentally so I can begin showing up for myself like I wanted to. I don't want this place to become the dreams I set aside or didn't even attempt. Since I'm not working, it feels like the ending is coming sooner than I thought and I know the feeling in my stomach when I think this way, shows me that's not what I want for myself. I want another year, I need another shot, and I'll make that fucking happen.THIS IS PROGRESS, I have more than hope, I have determination forming again.
I guess being sick makes me use fuck more than usual, but fuck does it feel good.
Sage, you have been demoted to only a half day of butt scratches for launching off of me after YOU CHOSE to come lay on me knowing I cough every few minutes. And now you're offended for having the gaul to cough while you're on my lap? BRO.
Well, hunger is winning over feelings now, so I guess that's good news as I don't feel so negative now, too bad I can't eat anything 🤒 I'm looking forward to eating something other than soup, bread, rice, or fruit. A slutty burger sounds so good to my brain, but my stomach is not in agreement... Soon. Fuck, a steak? A baked potato, with asparagus. Alright, now I'm torturing myself, goodnight.
Oh look who's back... Sage? Are you gonna chill or am I gonna have to add you to the bad apples list? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z
blakekathryn
theartofmadeline
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
