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@convoswmymother
On Hoovering
My mother: "By the way, there's dust and bits all over the floor in your house."
Me: "Why?"
My mother: "Because I took the hoover apart."
Me: "But why's it all over the house?"
My mother: "I wanted to see how much dust was in there, so I went through each room banging it on the floor in a line until the whole place was covered in dust."
On Usernames
Me: "OK, what do you want your username to be?"
My mother: "Kimmy."
Me: "How do you spell it?"
My mother: *blank stare* "I don't know."
Me: "Well could you make up a spelling?"
My mother: "Uh, K-I-M-M-L-L-...I..."
Me: "How about K-I-M-M-Y?"
On Ethnicity
"Today I feel like a Chinese woman."
On Cat Ownership
Me: "It's nice having a cat. Except when I had to take her to the vet, then it was expensive."
My mother: "Doesn't her owner pay for that?"
Me: "I'm her owner."
My mother: "Yes, but she's a female cat though. So she still belongs to her previous owner."
On Bathrooms
Me: "I'm just going to the toilet." (I walk into the hallway, open the bathroom door. My mother follows me and stands behind me like she's going to follow me inside.)
Me: "Why are you standing there?"
My mother: "Because you're going to the bathroom."
Me: "Are you going to watch me?"
My mother: "Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to show me something."
On Jars
My mother rummages through her suitcase, pulls out an empty mayonnaise jar: "Look! A jar!"
Me: "Yes, a jar."
My mother: "A glass jar! From Scotland!"
Me: "Cool..."
My mother: "I stole it!"
Me: "You STOLE it?! From where?!"
My mother: "Oh, you know, just someone's bin."
On Breakfast Foods
My mother: "I brought milk all the way from Scotland. And bacon."
Me: "You don't eat bacon."
My mother: "I know."
Me: "So why did you bring it?"
My mother: "I just wanted to have breakfasty things around me while I stayed." (opens suitcase, digs around, brings out several boxes) "Look! Cereals!"
On Cat Pee
My mother, pointing at my kitchen floor: "Is that cat pee?"
Me: "No, it's water."
My mother: "Why do you have water on the kitchen floor?"
Me: "I don't know, it spilled? Would cat pee be more acceptable?"
My mother: "Well, yes. I mean, I just *expected* it to be cat pee."
On Onesies
My mother: "I bought a onesie!"
Me: "Why?"
My mother: "Because now I live in a house with two male housemates."
Me: "And that means you need to get a onesie...?"
My mother: "Yes, obviously. I can't wear normal pyjamas to bed when there are men in the house!"
On Remembering
My mother: "Oh look, I have a voicemail."
(starts listening)
My mother: "Oh no! June!"
Me: "What's wrong?"
My mother: "I was supposed to go and see June!"
Me: "And you forgot?"
My mother: "I didn't really forget, it was more like I remembered so well that I forgot."
On the Telephone
My mother calls me. I pick up.
Me: "Hello? ... Hello? ... HELLO?"
My mother: "Oh sorry, yes, hi. I was just rummaging around in my landlord's bin."
On Ironing
My mother (excitedly): "I ironed my stomach once!"
Me (tiredly): "I know, I remember..."
Poo on the Rug
My mother: "I miss my old pet tortoise. He used to poo on the rug."
Me: "I know. You don't miss him pooing on the rug though, right?"
My mother: "Well... I do still have the rug. I didn't leave all the poo on there, just the poo stains. You know. For... nostalgic reasons."
On Bedsheets
The phone rings late at night. I pick it up. My mother is on the other end.
My mother: "I've done something really bad."
Me (with an impending sense of dread): "Oh no, what?"
My mother: "I threw out my bedsheets."
Me: "Oh. Why?"
My mother: "Because they were old and I didn't like them anymore."
Me: "OK. So what's the problem?"
My mother: "Well I just went to get into bed, and I couldn't, because there aren't any sheets! What do I do?"
On Driving
My mother: "Can you drive for a while? I really want to finish the rest of the curry that's in the back."
Me: "Um... no."
My mother: "Why?"
Me: "Because we're driving down a motorway and there's nowhere to stop. Also, I don't have a license."
My mother: "I don't care, take the wheel."
Honorary Mention: My Grandfather
My grandmother: "Something really terrible happened to Betty recently."
Me: "Oh no, what happened?"
My grandmother: "Her downstairs neighbour left an explosive substance in his garage, which is under her kitchen, and it blew up and nearly killed her."
My grandfather: *begins laughing uncontrollably*
My grandmother: "George... George! I have TOLD you not to laugh at this! The kitchen window blew in, she'd only been sitting in front of it a couple of minutes before! She could have died!"
My grandfather: *laughing so hard tears start running down his face*
My grandmother (turning to me): "Anyway, it was horrible for her."
Me: "It sounds like it! How is she doing now?"
My grandfather (still laughing): "She's in shock! She... was so... upset! She had to move house! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!"
On Food
My mother: "I'm not sure if I'll get along with my new flatmate."
Me: "Oh dear, why not?"
My mother: "Well she kept saying I could watch TV in the living room, so I think she might want me to talk to her sometimes."
Me: "Probably, yes."
My mother: "And THEN she said "When do you have meals?"! As if I have meals!! I mean sometimes I have breakfast, I suppose... but what if she wants me to EAT?! Old people are so funny with their set ways and their meal times."