it had been four and a half minutes since I last took a full breath. Four and a half minutes of you waiting in increasing desperation as I convulse on our bedroom floor, medical bag open and contents strewn next to you, oxygen mask pressed over my mouth and nose to provide me with air I can’t breathe.
My lips are blue. They often are during seizures, this is just how my body copes with things, the chaos of electrical activity in my brain shuts down other parts of me. Breathing becomes optional.
“Alright hunny, you’re coming out of it” your voice wobbles but otherwise you maintain a façade of control, all you want to project to my seizing little body is calm and protection but later you’ll cry with me, when I’m more myself again. The jerking of my limbs is no longer constant and as strong as it was, my hands and wrists are curled in to my chest and my feet aren’t pointed out stiff anymore as my jerking becomes uncoordinated flailing. Five minutes passes by and usually you would reach for my medication but you’re sure it’s ending, it’s a bad episode but not an emergency. However as the next thirty seconds comes to pass I’m still spasming, still blue and my eyes are still rolled up - pupils blown.
“Hey-“ you shake my shoulder a little and then reluctantly, because you don’t like to hurt me, you reach towards my sternum with a balled up hand and grind your knuckles into the bone there. Usually it’s a kickstart, the pain response shocking my body into gasping in a breath through a compromised airway but today I barely react, just my little hands clutching tighter to my chest. “—no no no no, come on!”. The phrase ‘respiratory arrest’ floats around in your mind but you push it to the side. That’s not happening, that’s not how this works. I’ll stop seizing any minute and wake up… I have to.
Six minutes and you give up, you push my limp body roughly onto my back and hurriedly clip the pulse ox that fell off during convulsions to my left middle finger. Even sprawled out like this on my back with my head fallen to the side facing you I’m still weakly twitching, my colour looks awful and when the pulse ox returns it’s reading in the middle of you straightening my neck and head your stomach twists. 61% oxygen saturation and my heart rate is erratic. Sometimes showing 160bpm sometimes 125bpm, bouncing around at varying degrees of tachycardia. You rip the oxygen mask off of my face and scoop a hand under my neck, you lift, tilting my head back and then pinch my nose shut and pull my jaw open. Your lips make a seal over my blue mouth that's wet with my own foamy saliva and you use everything you have to force a breath into me and down to my lungs. Once you sit back to make sure my chest has lifted you hear it rush out in a wet gurgle. It’s not surprising that I’ve aspirated, it can happen with my condition. You pause, waiting to see if I will respond to air making it down into my lungs and while you do your fingers find the so soft skin of my throat. You're pressing around for a little while until with a rush of relief you locate the weak hurried bouncing of blood flow under my sweaty skin and know you're giving me what I need. I'm okay, I just need you.
Your arms go around my fragile form, scooping me up from where I'm sprawled out on the floor and lifting me into your lap so you're able to cradle my head and lean down to have our lips meet again, exhaling deep into my empty lungs, taking over my breathing while I'm unable to do it myself. "That's a girl" you brush hair out of my face, my eyes are rolled half up, unconscious, unaware of your efforts but blessedly the twitching has stopped and you think I'm recovering. "I've got you Hunny.. just let me breathe for you". And you do, pressing down on my slack lower jaw and again covering my blue mouth with your warm one, pinching my nose shut and breathing for me. This time you keep going, blowing oxygen down into my lungs and letting it rush out before repeating the action over and over... eventually you break apart from me in the motion of a kiss, the little sound echoing in our quiet room. Your hand is resting on my chest now, feeling it's rise and fall with your mouth to mouth, you can feel the soft swell of my breast under your touch and the firm pucker of my nipple. You gaze down at me, I'm obviously deeply unconscious and then you glance to the pulse ox on my limp finger; 88% 110bpm.
"Good girl" I get your warm praise and you smile at my lips as they're starting to pink up again for you. "Big breath for me now..." you murmur, taking a moment to press a gentle kiss to my open lips before giving another breath and finishing it as I let out a very soft confused groan with the air leaving my lungs. My large brown eyes flutter and find focus, looking up at you now engaged but obviously confused and hurting, my still blue tinged lips part and you can see me trying to drag in a breath on my own but it's hardly happening. "I got you" your voice is warmth and comfort and when you connect our mouths again and give me a slow deep rescue breath I melt into your arms, the relief of oxygen filling my chest like nothing I've felt before so when your medical care becomes intimate it feels natural, it feels like us. We stay like that for a while, I'm detached enough from reality in my postictal state to just know your breathing is helping and your intimate attention is soothing to my confused mind. A steady flow of recycled breath and languid kisses wrapped around my sick little body keeping me safe.
Beautiful Sunny's nude body is in full seizure after her electro shock therapy treatment as doctors tend to her body and monitor her vitals. Her little feet shake and jerk on the hospital bed.
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