Supporting Someone with BPD
Everyone with BPD is different, so what feels supportive for one person might not work for another. The best starting place is always to ask: “Hey, I want to support you, but I don’t know the best way. Can you tell me what helps?”
Here are some things I personally found helpful (and a lot that I know my best friend with BPD also found helpful.)
Reassurance About the Relationship
Random reassurance. It doesn’t always have to be “I care about you” (though that’s great). It can be little things, like sending a meme or dog picture and saying “this reminded me of you.” That shows you’re thinking of us.
Messaging first. Making sure to take the initiative to message us first sometimes can feel really reassuring. Many of us worry about being a burden, so that small gesture goes a long way.
Clarifying what you mean. For example:
“I disagree with you” → “I disagree with you, but I’m not angry at you.”
“I’m hurt” → “I’m hurt, but I don’t think you’re a bad person.”
“I’m frustrated” → “I’m frustrated, but I still care about you.”
This kind of clarity can soothe the spiral our brains sometimes go into.
Heads-ups about space. You never owe this, but if you’re able, it can help a lot. A simple “I need some me-time, but it’s not about you” can calm fears of abandonment. (Some people even make an agreed-upon emoji or shorthand for this, so you don’t have to write it all out every time.)
Boundaries. They protect both people. For example: “You can rant to me anytime, but I might not reply right away.” Boundaries mean we both know what to expect, and that makes it easier to share without guilt. My best friend and I have this. She knows she can spam my DMs if she’s upset, but I’ll only reply when I’m up to it, unless it’s a genuine emergency and vice versa.
If you need to cancel plans, rescheduling helps. Saying, “I can’t today, but can we do Tuesday instead?” softens the sting of rejection. It shows you still want the connection, just at a different time.
Supporting Growth Without Patronizing
Notice effort, not perfection. When someone with BPD tries something healthier, like apologizing directly instead of spiralling in shame that leads to you needing to comfort them, acknowledge it. A simple, “I appreciate the way you said that, it felt really respectful,” can encourage us to keep practicing it.
Celebrate progress out loud. Many of us are so focused on our mistakes that we miss our wins. Pointing out “I can tell you’re trying to pause before reacting, and I see that effort” can help us recognize growth we might overlook.
Address behaviour, not identity. Everyone messes up sometimes. If we say the wrong thing, react too strongly, or need to repair, please know it helps when you focus on the action rather than our worth as a person. For example, “That comment hurt me” is different from “You’re hurtful.” One opens the door for repair; the other feeds shame. It’s valid to need space or set boundaries after we mess up, but separating what we did from who we are makes repair and growth possible.
Encourage self-trust. If we use a coping skill or set a healthy boundary, reflect it back: “That was a good call. You trusted yourself there.” It builds confidence that we can handle things without spiralling.
And finally, take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Supporting someone with BPD doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. Setting limits isn’t rejection. It's what keeps the relationship sustainable.
Disclaimer: Not every person with BPD will relate to what I’ve shared here. These points are based on my own experience and what’s been helpful for me. I mentioned some problematic behaviours because they were part of my learning curve, not because everyone with BPD struggles with them. If anything, I hope this helps highlight how encouragement and reassurance supported me as I practiced healthier ways of communicating and coping.
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