There is something very strange I have noticed about estrangement.
I don’t exactly know why I do it but, I often read the pages and websites of estranged parents whose children have walked away. Maybe I am just nosy, maybe I want to try and understand from the other side, maybe I want to find an inkling of the loving mother I needed there or maybe I just need validation.
I definitely get validation. LOTS of it.
There are parents there who are clearly broken and devastated. There are parents there who are furious and bitter. It’s the second kind I want to talk about.
There are a few common themes that I have noticed that really break my heart and I just wanted to put them out there.
There is a lot of negative language about their own children.
Ungrateful
Liar
Selfish
Brat
Cruel
Nasty
Abusive
Druggie
Crazy
Hateful
Ugly
Useless
Lazy
Slutty
Evil
Possessed
They will blame anyone but themselves.
The other parent.
Their child’s peers
The partner in their child’s life.
Their own family.
They think they were perfect.
I see a lot of “We made mistakes, everyone does, no-one is perfect” but, this comes before a list of all the things they ever did that were wonderful. From the bitter and angry parents you never see a list of these “mistakes”. It seems as though that statement is just a socially acceptable norm. It is used in such a way as to garner sympathy from those reading it, not as an admission of guilt.
They aren’t sorry.
They really aren’t sorry for any part they played in their child’s estrangement. Well, they don’t believe they played any. Their child grew up to be evil, perhaps they loved their child too much, spoiled them too much… because they were wonderful. Their child’s turn to the dark side (For want of a better expression) has nothing to do with their perfect upbringing where their parent sacrificed their own happiness to raise them. They don’t understand how this could have happened but, it definitely wasn’t their fault. Anything their child says is lies and must be disregarded.
They don’t believe mental abuse justifies estrangement.
The most common thing I see goes along the lines of “Unless there was serious physical abuse that put you in a hospital more than once or serious sexual abuse there is no excuse for estrangement”. Yes I have seen that several times and the alarm bells are deafening. They often go on to say “You should always respect your parents above everyone”.
They get what they want and may then decide they don’t want it.
This one is the most saddening of all.
Their estranged child reaches out to them, they agree to meet and start again… This may be once or twice or a few times. There may be grandchildren involved. The grandchildren they were desperate to see, the grandchildren they never failed to send cards and presents too. Still though, those parents who are too bitter and angry, who said there was no excuse for estrangement, then decide they just cannot forgive. Their child hurt them too much by removing themselves from the family fold and doing nothing except refuse contact. They want no part of them. Suddenly the relationship ends on their terms and they feel vindicated in doing so. They estranged and that was the right thing to do. Children MUST respect parents but, the same is not true in reverse.
The other side.
Yes, I see angry estranged children. I see them curse out their parents and call them names… but, the percentage is much much smaller.
Mostly what I see? Children, Adult children desperately trying to figure out why their own mothers can’t or don’t love them. Trying to find the fatal flaw in themselves and trying to stay removed from a situation they know has done them tremendous damage… both at the same time.
What they want? They want a loving parent child relationship. They want someone who supports them and loves them for who they are. They want someone who believes in them. They want to be heard and seen and wanted.
Can you see the difference?
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