my masterlist is pretty barren right now after my revamp, but do not fret it will be updated soon.
i mostly write for TLOU as of right now, but i'm currently thinking of dabbling in MCU, TWD, and PHM!
my request rules are linked above, please check those out before venturing to my ask box! general rules are also posted. please read them.
any hate or disrespect towards myself or anyone interacting with my blog will not be tolerated. it will result in me blocking your account and reporting you.
i don't have a current posting schedule and i apologize in advance for any inconsistencies in my posting dates. i am a busy, busy college student and work part time so i unfortunately don't have as much time for fun writing as i'd like.
always heed warnings tagged on my works! if you don't like what i post, please just go about your day and scroll.
leave a comment if you would like to be added to my updated taglist!
i'm twenty years old, a junior in college, and after changing my major four thousand times i've landed on a bachelors in english. i've had a passion for writing ever since i could hold a pencil and i'm always on about something really.
i have a bad habit of changing my tumblr theme every two business days, so i'm forcing myself to keep this one for at least a few months (we'll see.)
my favorite colors are black and dark blue, my fav food is pizza. fav fictional character is obviously joel miller, i can't get enough of that man... seriously.
you'll usually find me reading filthy fan fiction, tapping away at my keyboard while i procrastinate, watching a gut wrenching documentary while eating cereal, or being anxiety ridden over the most mundane thing ever.
i have a dog, she's really cool.
and i met my best friends for life on here (forever grateful, shoutout to you guys.)
if you've made it this far, congratulations and apologies.
| jackson joel who has a soft spot for only you. he hands you your gun before patrol, helping you onto your horse with a tight grip on your waist as he lifts you up. always making sure you're close behind as you set out on your assigned trail, his head whipping around every time a branch snaps in fear he'll lose you. wringing out your wet clothes after a storm and setting them by the fire to dry when you reach the lookout. always making sure you're fed, warm, dry..safe.
| jackson joel who walks up behind you in the kitchen while you're brewing coffee for the both of you. his face nuzzling into the crook of your neck, taking a deep breath in to memorize your scent just in case it's the last time. his hands snaking down your hips, gripping where your thighs meet your stomach; his favorite part of you to hold. his morning bulge rubbing against the small of your back, a soft groan echoing in your ear. he can't get enough of you. he's addicted.
| jackson joel who fucks you like it's his last night on earth after months of waiting. the room filled by both of your whimpers and moans, clothes thrown across the floor as he rests in between your trembling thighs. he kisses every inch of your body, cherishing, worshiping you as the goddess you are. that groan as you look into each others eyes as he slips into you for the first time, knowing you'll never crave anybody else the way you do him.
| jackson joel who makes you waffles every sunday, homemade whipped cream on top and sliced strawberries he picked himself. bubble baths when you're sore from patrol, his big hands massaging the knots out of your shoulders. forehead kisses in the middle of the night when the winds picking up and the windows are rattling. a fear you've had since you were a child. movie nights and early morning coffee dates and nothing but the love you dreamt of your entire life. love you didn't know existed in such a cruel, broken world.
| jackson joel. the man who saved you in more ways than one.
happy birthday babyyyyy!! 💕💕 you deserve all the sweetest things that life has to offer.
i'm so sorry i saw this a day late 😭😭 thank you so much, essy. you're the greatest friend i could've ever wished for. also.. everyone go read her fics she's amazing PLEASE. thank you bby 🫶🏻
Hi folks! I've had so much fun with past writing challenges I've taken part in, and I knew that I wanted to host one of my own once I hit 1k followers - and now we're here!! I am so, so grateful to each and every one of you. Entering this fandom, as well as the fanfic world in general, has been such a source of positivity and joy for me. I could get all sappy on you all, but just know that if we've ever had an interaction, or even if you're a silent follower whose handle I recognize as it comes across my notifications, I am incredibly appreciative of you.
Now for the challenge! I'm combining my two favorite things - PPCU & horror. If you don't typically write horror/dark themes, please do not be scared off! Horror is such a broad genre, and if any of the tropes below interest you, I'd love if you joined. The 'tropes' listed include various genres, character types, and themes/sub-genres.
How it works: Pick a PPCU character of your choosing from the list below, and then choose a horror trope from the corresponding list. I'm also happy to help - so if you're having trouble, or just want it to be fun and randomized, let me know and I can either choose the character for you, the trope, or both! Just send me an ask with your Pedro character and the horror trope you'd like (or ask me to choose for you). There can be repeats of characters, but not repeats of tropes. I will update the list as we go.
I'm setting an initial deadline of September 15th - but please let me know if that does not seem feasible for you; I want everyone to be able to join who'd like to! Please tag me when you post your fic and use the hashtag #ppcuhorrorchallenge.
PPCU Characters:
Joel Miller
Clint Flood
Din Djarin
Oberyn Martell
Javier Pena
Marcus Acacius
Reed Richards
Dieter Bravo
Frankie Morales
Harry Castillo
Horror Tropes:
Slasher
Aliens/Sci-Fi
Clowns
Haunting
Shapeshifter
Vampire
Undead/Living Dead
Werewolf
Abandoned Area
Creepy Cemetery
Vampire Hunter
Haunted Castle
Creepy Basement
Murder/Serial Killer
Asylum
Yandere
Mutual Kill
Hidden Evil
Cult
Demonic Possession
tagging some moots who might be interested (absolutely no pressure at all): @millers-ghost @sawymredfox @millermouth @arcane-fox @reedispunk @bbyviolakayworks @pearlessance @beardedjoel @tateypots @kokoluwie @toxicanonymity @missadangel @cozymochaa @petalsinblood @rosharanfiction @shadowqueen2024 @mytearsricochetm @baronessvonglitter @bemyluvr @isabellaboo2025 @aurorawritestoescape @mcthsman @honey-moon-13 @milla-frenchy @time-for-my-weekly-spanking @cinnxmxngxrl @hauntedinkk @broad-shouldrs
Tags: minors DNI, dub con/non con, stalking, stalker!joel, dirty talk, Stockholm Syndrome, pet names (angel, sweetheart, darlin, etc.), praise & degradation, yelling, crying, violence, swearing, begging, obsession, name calling (slut, whore), pain, Joel is a sadist, rough sex, humiliation, degradation kink, multiple orgasms, anal sex, painful anal, anal creampie, depression
WC: 4.3k
Summary: You may have given up on life, but not on Joel.
A/N: We have returned to the main timeline for this part. I know it's been a longer gap between chapters than usual, but I hope you enjoy this one in all its usual depravity. I want to thank @milla-frenchy for being my sweet beta reader and always supporting me and stalker!joel in all his sick ways. I'd also like to thank this anon for inspiring the first part of the chapter. As always, you guys are the best and I am so appreciative of every comment, reblog, and message. Love you all! 🖤
Divider: @/saradika-graphics
Days drifted in and out, and you slowly started to forget who you were. You hadn’t been to work in weeks; you weren’t really even sure how behind on your bills you might be. Your phone was dead the majority of the time, so it was hard to know who in your life had really noticed your absence.
Self-care had completely fallen to the wayside. Showers were few and far between, laundry even less often. You ate at least one meal a day, but that was usually only when you’d finally gotten so hungry that you felt faint and couldn’t ignore the gnawing feeling in your stomach.
It was a Friday evening and unsurprisingly, you had no plans. You’d finally gotten yourself to shower that day and were in a fresh pair of pajamas, cuddled into the corner of your couch, staring at the blank TV screen. It should have been concerning to you that you felt just as entertained watching a black screen as much as you did watching a movie, but the growing depression seemed to swallow up any remaining insight that you had left.
Your head was so empty and body so numb and tired, that you hadn’t realized you started to drift off. The soft tug of sleep pulled you into a gentle doze as your eyes closed and your body sunk further into the plush of the couch.
You didn’t hear him come in - didn’t hear the front door creaking open that you hadn’t even bothered to lock, didn’t hear the sound of his boots as he kicked them off in the entryway, didn’t hear the patting of his feet as he approached your sleeping form, and didn’t hear him take a seat on the coffee table across from you.
It wasn’t until his hand settled on the outside of your thigh that your eyes shot open and you realized you weren’t alone. The usual panic didn’t set in. Instead, you stared at him for a moment. Your body stayed still, allowing his hand to rest on your leg. You watched as he furrowed his brow.
“Can’t be doin’ that, angel,” he said. His voice was soft yet stern. “Leavin’ your door unlocked like that…what if someone came in and hurt you?”
Your expression was blank as his words drifted in one ear and out the other. It didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel like he was truly there. Joel took immediate note of your change in disposition. Concern bubbled low in his belly and he stood up from the table. He knew he needed to snap you out of this in some way, but wasn’t sure how.
“Stand up.” The command was sharp despite his voice still being quiet.
You stayed laying on the couch but tilted your head up to look at his face. The evening sun created a glow around him that enhanced the unique shape of his features. You weren’t aware that you were smiling at him until his voice cut through the air again.
“What’re you smilin’ ‘bout? I said, get up. Now.”
You closed your eyes, flipping to your other side so that your back was facing him. Your mind was entirely too empty to be concerned about any potential consequences from him. Besides, it didn’t feel like you had control over anything - your body, your thoughts, your words. You’d never felt so far away and disconnected before.
“The fuck is wrong with you?!” His hands grabbed you harshly by your arms, hauling you up and forcing you to stand in front of him.
Your legs nearly gave out and he gripped you harder. If you’d been able to focus on him, you would’ve seen that his look was one of concern, not anger, but your gaze was fixed straight ahead on his chest as your body swayed slightly.
“Jesus Christ,” he murmured as he picked you up, carrying you in a cradled position to the bedroom.
He set you gently on the bed, overtop your comforter. His jaw clenched and he exhaled a sigh of frustration before he spoke, “You eat anything today?”
You looked at his eyes again. Had they always been so brown? So dark? His gaze was fixed on you. You shrugged your shoulders in response to his question.
“Use your words.” His voice was slightly louder than before as his irritation started to slip through.
“N-no.” Your voice came out crackly, as though you hadn’t used it in days. Which, you hadn’t. You weren’t sure the last time you’d actually spoken.
“Jesus, angel…” He pulled out his phone, checking the time. “It’s 7 o’clock ‘n you haven’t had anything? The hell-” He cut himself off, instead just rubbing a hand down his face and turning around to leave the room.
When Joel opened your fridge to find something to prepare for you, his heart sank. It was bare. There was some rotten produce that smelled rancid, and beyond that it was just condiments and some sort of questionable leftovers. He cleared it all out, wiping down the fridge in hopes of getting rid of the smell. He didn’t want to leave you to go to the store, so he ordered pizza and salad, along with taking time to complete an online grocery order for delivery. He periodically popped his head into the bedroom, and each time you were just staring up at the ceiling.
While Joel waited for the food to arrive, he finished your partially started laundry, cleaned the few dishes that were in the sink, wiped down your counters, and vacuumed. It wasn’t like you to leave your home in this condition and he couldn’t shake the unsettling feelings stirring within him.
The food arrived and after Joel put your groceries away, he plated the pizza and salad and brought it into the bedroom. You were curled up in bed with the blanket pulled over your head. He set your plate on the table beside you, carrying his plate to the other side and sitting down beside you on the bed. Carefully peeling back the blanket, he saw that your eyes were open and there was a trail of tears running across your face and onto the sheet beneath you.
“Oh, darlin’,” he said as he scooped you up, pulling you up against his side as he lowered himself into the bed. His arms wrapped around you but he kept enough distance so he could see your face. You couldn’t help but to cry more at the embrace. You hadn’t been hugged in a while, and the tender act only brought more of your emotions to the surface. Joel shushed you gently as he kissed your forehead and then looked down at you.
“Wanna tell me what this is all about?” His hand stroked up and down your back as he spoke. You didn’t think comfort from him would feel this safe or soothing, but it did. You couldn’t help but to lean into his touch as you peered up at him and responded, “I don’t know.”
Joel didn’t know what else to ask, so he just sat up in the bed, lifting you with him and reaching across you to hand you your plate of food. Your stomach rumbled immediately upon holding the food in front of you. Of course, it was your favorite pizza, and you could tell by glancing between your plates that he had already removed the tomatoes from your salad, knowing you didn’t like them. It felt thoughtful. You took a bite of the pizza and it felt like your mind was already starting to come back to life. Bite after bite seemed to refuel you. The brain fog you’d been struggling with started to dissipate, you felt less shaky, and you weren’t crying anymore.
Your plate was completely empty within a matter of minutes and you sighed in contentment. Joel reached over, taking your empty plate. “Want more?” When you looked over, he was smiling. His eyes were warm, almost prideful. You shook your head no, letting him stack both empty plates and set them off to the side. You felt more alert than you had in days, the desire to sleep finally not all encompassing.
“I, uh…” He scratched at the back of his neck as he spoke. “I missed you, angel. Tried giving you some space after everything that happened last time…not sure that was the best idea now.”
It felt as close to an apology as you were going to get. You’d spent days dwelling on your last incident with him, replaying it over and over in your head until you felt nauseous. You’d always known him to be violent, angry, sadistic…but there was an added layer of cruelty that you hadn’t expected from last time. You learned to not seek apologies from him. So, you just nodded at his words, not sure how to respond appropriately.
“Didja miss me?” His words were still spoken with his usual nonchalance, but there was a vulnerability to his tone that caught you off guard.
You took a moment to think about his question. You could feel the heat of his gaze on your face as you looked down at your lap. Memories of his multiple acts of service bubbled up. You thought about the care he offered you - his version of safety. You knew that as long as he was in your life, nothing else would hurt you - nothing other than him. Images of you underneath him rose up - the many times that he made you come undone over and over. No one in your life has ever brought you as much pleasure or as much pain as he has. What did that mean?
Your eyes lifted to meet his, and you nodded. It was the truth, as much as you hated to admit it. At the same time, if he were to leave, and be guaranteed to be gone from your life forever, you imagined that might also be the happiest day of your life.
Joel smiled. It was a little lopsided and didn’t quite reach his eyes. But nonetheless, it was a smile. A chill ran up your spine, though you couldn’t quite place why. It wasn’t until you blinked and he was suddenly on top of you that you realized your body was likely sensing what was to come. Your hands moved in front of you on instinct, a weak attempt at creating any amount of space between your bodies.
It was as though Joel hadn’t even noticed. His lips met yours as he pressed his hips against you. He was already hard, very hard, and it had you wondering how long he had been like that. As he settled against your core, you felt your body already responding to him. A wet spot formed quicker than you would have liked and you whimpered into his mouth as his tongue moved against yours.
“That’s it, angel…I know you missed me.” His hand slipped between your bodies, rubbing your clothed pussy as he continued kissing you. His touch was always one of precision. He knew just what to do, where to press, how firmly, and always the right speed. It had you arching off the bed within moments, your hands coming to his curls at the nape of his neck as you tugged gently, moaning.
“More, more, more,” you were chanting, not even realizing it because of your focus on the orgasm building low in your belly. You felt a rush of slickness as you grunted at the peak of your orgasm, grabbing onto Joel tightly as he helped you work through it.
He chuckled, pulling his hand away and looking down at you. “Needy lil thing tonight, huh?”
You nodded. You weren’t sure what had seemingly possessed you, but you knew that this was the best you’d felt in weeks. You felt alive, awake and the arousal just continued coursing through you. Your hands trembled against Joel’s shoulders, your eyes looking up at him wide and pleading.
It made his cock throb and his eyes go dark. Fuck, he thought to himself, she’s so fucking willing right now. He couldn’t help but be selfish and think about how he might use it to his advantage. His eyes searched yours for a moment. You already looked fucked out and desperate. He cradled your jaw, his thumb swiping gently across your bottom lip.
“Angel, what d’you think about us tryin’ something new, hm?” His eyes twinkled as he spoke, not able to completely hide his eagerness. “Looks t’me like you’re needin’ somethin’ a little more today.”
Without hesitation, you nodded your head. You were pretty sure you’d take whatever he wanted to give you. Your eyes were focused on him, your body like a magnet to his. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he put you under some sort of spell with how badly you craved him right now. All sense of safety seemed to leave your body, replaced with an insatiable need to be as close to him as possible.
“I got you,” he murmured as he lifted off from you and rolled you onto your stomach. Your breath hitched and you became putty in his hands, letting him move and shift you as needed until you were on all fours, completely stripped of your clothing. Joel remained fully clothed, a juxtaposition that had you squeezing your thighs together, enjoying the feeling of being on display for him.
His breath hit your bare pussy and you shuddered as his tongue licked a long trail from your clit up to your entrance. He pushed his tongue inside of you, swirling it and groaning at your taste. Joel’s hands held your cheeks spread for him as he buried his face between them, licking and sucking lewdly as you fell onto your forearms, making incomprehensible noises.
When you started to orgasm for the second time, he didn’t eat you through it. Instead, he pulled back, enjoying watching how your pussy clenched around nothing and how sweet pearls of cum beaded and then dripped down your soaked folds. He kept you spread, his tongue finally meeting your skin again, warm and soft as he licked you clean. You caught your breath just for it to falter once more as his tongue moved up to your tight ring. Lurching forward, you looked over your shoulder at him.
“Wh-what are you doing?” Your eyes were wide, nervous for what he was about to say and do.
“Gonna be good f’me, angel?” He unzipped his pants, reaching in and pulling out his thick cock. You moaned and looked back down at the blanket underneath you. Your hands fisted it lightly, preparing to brace yourself. “Gonna let me make both of us feel good, hm?” His cock swiped up and down, the head of it getting caught at your entrance before sliding through again.
Surely he wasn’t going to just go for it, right? While you’d never done this before, you were sure there had to be some sort of prep involved. Before you could panic too much, you felt him press slowly into your wet pussy. Feeling relieved, you lowered your head with a deep moan, welcoming the stretch.
“Oh my god, Joel,” you gasped out as he pushed all the way in. You felt the head of his cock deeper than you thought was possible and you arched your back, pushing back into him and melting into the sensation of him filling you completely. “So…full…,” you panted as he set the pace of his thrusts. “Uh…uh…uh…please…Joel…” You weren’t even quite sure what you were asking for, neither was Joel, but the sound of your moans was music to his ears and only spurred him on further.
“So full, huh?” His hips snapped against you. His thrusts were rough but steady. “Don’t think you’re full enough quite yet, angel.” The tip of his thumb pressed to your puckered ring and once more, you tried moving forward, away from him, but his hand grasped your hip, pulling you back. “Where d’ya think you’re goin’, hm?”
He removed his thumb to spread your cheeks. You heard him spit and then felt his saliva drip down your hole. His thumb quickly scooped it up, spreading it around your tight ring before dipping his finger in again. You groaned this time, loud and deep as his cock continued fucking into you. It was a new, unfamiliar stretch, but by the time he had worked most of his thumb inside, you felt your second orgasm building quickly.
“Ohhh my god…” You gripped the sheet and lowered your head, your forehead pressed to the soft fabric underneath you as you pushed back into him and trembled.
“There ya go…fuck yeah…shit…” Joel dragged his cock in and out slowly, letting you savor your orgasm as you shook against him. His hand held you firmly, keeping you up and arched so he could continue fucking you. When you stopped shaking, he popped his thumb out, watching in awe as your hole stayed open for him just a little. He knew his thumb wasn’t even close to the size of his cock, but at least he could say he tried to work you open beforehand.
Joel leaned over your back, kissing across the back of your shoulders and letting your spent body rest for a moment. His cock was hanging between your thighs now, dripping precum onto the blanket beneath you. His eyes were focused on you, becoming hungrier and hungrier as the moments passed by. His cock was coated in your slick as he nudged the head of it against your still-tight ring.
This time you didn’t lunge forward, your body stayed relaxed from the orgasm and Joel held you up by your hips as your upper body pressed against the bed.
“Y’ready, angel?”
You gave a weak, timid nod, and Joel began to press inside of you. The stretch was unreal. There was no comparison to anything like it, and you grunted, trying to relax but the overwhelming sensation had goosebumps dotting your entire body. You moaned his name and reached around to try grabbing his wrist, but Joel was too focused on how your body was opening up for him. He looked down as he continued to push inside. He groaned, watching inch by inch slowly disappear inside of you.
“Jesus Christ…so fuckin’ tight f’me, darlin’...” Before he could think better of it, his hips rolled forward and he plunged inside the rest of the way. His head bowed and he moaned, “Fuuuuuck.”
“Ow, ow! Joel!” You tried to reach back again in hopes of pushing him away, but it was no use. He pulled out halfway, just to roll his hips again. It felt like you were being split in half. With each roll of his hips, he pushed you further and further into the mattress. You were completely prone underneath him now, your legs spread as he continued inserting himself into your tight tunnel. It was too much, and a sob fell from you as he snapped his hips quicker. “Please! I can’t,” you cried out, hoping he’d take some modicum of pity on you.
When he heard your cry, he stilled. He stayed buried inside of you, but his hand reached up, brushing the hair from the side of your face so he could see you. His fingertips became damp with your tears and he leaned forward. “Too much, angel?”
You nodded, desperate for his empathy and hopeful that he was going to listen to you. “Please, Joel…it hurts too much.”
“Aw,” he cooed, kissing your cheek and using his hand to rub up and down your side. “I’ll go slower, hm?” He tried to ignore how his cock throbbed knowing you were in pain.
You knew Joel well enough to know that there was no point in refusing, so you just stayed still and tried to keep your body pliant for him. His cock pulled out slowly and pressed in again even slower. You felt helpless under his full body weight, just feeling the drag of his cock and the painful stretch that was starting to gradually morph into pleasure. His hand slipped between the mattress and your cunt, his middle finger rubbing against your clit as he continued his careful thrusts.
“Shit, sweetheart…goddamn, you feel good…tight lil asshole, fuckin’ squeezin’ me…”
The combination of his words, steady thrusts, and the pressure on your clit had you moaning louder and louder. Joel smiled, noticing how quickly you acquiesced to him. He was proud of you for taking his cock so well. His thrusts started to get lazier, his mind just focusing on the sensation of your tight walls hugging his thick cock.
He picked up the pace, no longer rolling his hips but instead hammering them against your ass. Your cheeks bounced against him with each thrust and you yelped at the sudden sharpness.
“Fuck, I knew you’d take it so good, angel..goddamn.” His length railed into you over and over. Your eyes rolled into the back of your head as his groans filled the room and you felt another orgasm start to build. It was entirely too much. The sensations had tipped into overwhelming and you were desperately gripping the sheets underneath you as you started to quiver against him.
“Shit, can feel you clenching around me. Ahhh..fuck…” His rhythm became even more erratic as his balls tightened and he was right on the precipice of his own orgasm. “So fuckin’ tight, fuckin’ whore...you’ll take anything I goddamn give you, huh?” One of his hands moved up to fist your hair, pulling your head slightly back as he continued railing into you. “Ruining your fucking asshole, angel...never gonna…ah, fuck…never gonna be the fuckin’ same again…” He was panting aggressively above you, sweat beading across his brow as he fucked into your ass.
Tears ran down your face and you cried out as you felt him start to release inside of you. He was so snug against your walls that you felt his entire length pulsing as his cock emptied. He was pressed firmly against you, his balls pulsing against your cheeks as he grunted and groaned. Feeling the spurts from his cock pushed you over the edge as well, hurtling through your fourth orgasm of the night.
Right as you started to come down, Joel pulled out from inside of you. He immediately looked down, his hands spreading your ass cheeks so that he could see his spend drip out.
“Wouldya lookathat…goddamn, angel. Beautiful fuckin’ thing.” His fingers scooped it up, tenderly pushing his cum back inside you. He could see just how much he opened you up. He smiled at how red and sore you looked, savoring the sight as much as he could. When he finally got enough, you were half asleep and limp on the bed. He chuckled as he climbed off of you.
You only passively noticed as he pulled fresh clothes onto you, not cleaning between your legs because he wanted his cum to stay tucked inside of you for as long as possible. He rolled you onto your back, propping you against your pillows. Your eyes closed and it was quiet for a few minutes. When you heard something again, it was the clinking of ice as Joel held a straw to your lips for you to drink. The water felt good on your throat, soothing the soreness from the crying and moaning.
“Take a bite,” he murmured, feeding you a protein bar.
Your eyes stayed closed as you took a couple bites. You didn’t have an appetite, but you knew you’d sleep better with something on your stomach. Joel’s touch was gentle. He swept hair away from your face and pulled the blanket around you so you were more comfortable. His lips brushed your forehead then lips in soft kisses.
“Did so good, angel.” His thumb stroked your cheek and you leaned into the tender touch. “Anything else you need?”
You hesitated, remembering the unsuccessful begging you did the time before, wanting him to stay and hold you. So instead, you just opened your eyes to look at him one last time as you shook your head.
Something unspoken seemed to flash between the two of you. You watched in real time as Joel’s eyes switched from dark to soft. He held your eye contact for a minute then got up and walked out of the room.
This time, tears didn’t come. It was what you expected, so you hunkered down in your bed and closed your eyes to try and drift off to sleep once more. You felt taken care of, even despite the assault that your body had just endured.
Right as your mind started to wander, you heard the creaking of the floorboards and opened your eyes again, turning to the side to see Joel standing in his boxers. He looked at you for a moment then got into bed, reaching over and turning off the bedside lamp. You stared at him with a confused expression. You couldn’t read his face. It was blank. But he placed his hand on your shoulder, gently turning you away from him as he sidled up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist, spooning you.
“G’night, angel.”
“Good night, Joel.” You smiled to yourself as you fell asleep. And while you couldn’t see him, you hoped that Joel was doing the same.
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you amaze me each time you post of new chapter. the progression of joel up to this point has been written so beautifully. i know he's mr. evil bad guy but his lil soft spot for reader had me blushing every time. love you so much essy ess 🫶🏻 will be counting the minutes to the next chapter.
Please reblog what you read and heed warnings on all fics. Enjoy! 🖤
Joel Miller
How To Catfish a Millionaire (Ch. 7) - @baronessvonglitter - It was supposed to be harmless - flirty messages, a few borrowed photos, and you have the illustrious playboy and hotel heir Tommy Miller eating out of your hand. But now he wants to meet in person. And his controlling older brother Joel, who rules the hotel empire with an inflexible grip, is waiting for you as well. Where do you draw the line between desire and deception? How long can you keep the pretense that all you're really after is money?
Forget Me Not (Ch. 2) - @honey-moon-13 - After a bad dream leaves him unsettled, Tommy’s impatience swells until it becomes unbearable, pushing him into a reckless, spur-of-the-moment decision.
The Need & Insatiable - @aurorawritestoescape - Joel gets you ready to take him.
Trapped - @milla-frenchy & @aurorawritestoescape - you run out of gas in the middle of nowhere at night. A stranger comes to help.
Golden Walkway - @whocaresstillthelouvre - It’s your birthday, Joel takes you out to the Tipsy Bison, kisses (and does more to) you in the rain, and takes you home to give you a gift (it's sex, the gift is sex).
Nasty - @dreamedaboutitinthedark - Joel is your neighbor in the trailer park with a dirty mouth who gives you orgasms.
Collared (Part 12) - @tateypots - You are kidnapped by Joel and Tommy 3 years after the outbreak. This is a work of dark fiction, please heed the warnings and protect yourselves.
Play Innocent - @time-for-my-weekly-spanking - Joel gets a batch of pills with strange side effects. He decides that it would be a shame to waste them. After all, he can use them to get something: you.
falling into you - @cordycepskiss - After spending days planning the perfect party, of course your dad had to go and ruin it all. He hurt you. And who else is there to call other than Joel? He always makes it all better. In more ways than one...
Never tear us apart (Part 1) - @milla-frenchy - after meeting Joel, your relationship has been growing naturally and you entered his and Sarah's life smoothly. You celebrate your birthday with Joel and his family and he surprises you with the best gift
distracted - @hauntedinkk - a week of stress causes a brief argument with you and joel which then leads to him taking advantage of the free use arrangement you both have, quite literally fucking the anxiety out of you.
feral (part twelve) - @mcthsman - Part man, part beast, Joel Miller lives in solitude a few miles away from Jackson. At fifty-seven years old and without a Soulbond, Joel can't coexist with others— a man without his mate crazed by time and age. Until the day he sees her, the girl with tangerine blossoms in her hair and a laugh that echoes through the trees. So, he tracks her down. Hunts her through the woods, and brings home a girl that is not the wilting flower he expects.
One-Night Stand - @lambsandstockings - Joel takes you home from the bar and pops your cherry
Lead Me Not Into Temptation (part 21) - @tateypots - No age gap (mainly), corruption kink Joel Miller.
Clint Flood
Safety Off - @missadangel - There’s a lotta ways a Friday night can go sideways. For a debt collector, most of them ain’t pretty. But getting robbed by a fine-ass thief? That’s new. Her gun? Safety off. His temper? Already ON.
Frankie Morales
Wingman - @tateypots - You meet Frankie at the bar and think he’s perfect. Shame he’s only talking to you because his friend is interested in yours.
Dieter Bravo
finger paint - @sin-djarin - Dieter accidentally makes a masterpiece and, unsurprisingly, it gives him ideas.
A/N: This is a departure from the current timeline, but I think an important part to help us better understand this unwell man and his motives. It is dark and heavy, so please proceed with caution. I lowkey feel guilty for depriving you all of the filthy smut I know you love, so I do plan on answering some of the asks in my inbox with some dirty smut at some point in the near future. As always, thank you all for following along, it truly means the world. 🖤
Divider: @/saradika-graphics
Joel sat on the floor of his bedroom, rearranging his baseball cards in his black binder that was falling apart at the seam. Globs of duct tape surrounded it, and he hoped that it would last until Christmas-time when he could ask for another one. The house had been quiet this morning. It was about twenty minutes ago that he’d heard his dad’s tires crunch on the gravel outside their home, and while he had braced himself for potential chaos, he was relieved to not hear anything.
He only had about five cards left to organize and he felt a little disappointed that he was almost done. He spent most of his time in his room, and with limited toys and the same books, boredom was common. It was a Saturday, which meant that he still had practically two whole days until he could go back to school and spend his afternoons learning and socializing with friends.
Joel was about to slip the last card in the binder when the bedroom door flew open and Tommy rushed at him. “Joel! Joel!” He pushed to his feet quickly, just in time for Tommy to run into his arms, burying himself in Joel’s chest. “It’s happening again!”
Joel’s heart started racing. He pulled Tommy away from him, holding him by the shoulders and lowering his head to make eye contact. “Look at me.” Tommy looked up at him with tear-stained cheeks. “Hide under the bed. Don’t come out until I say so. Got it? No matter what.”
He stood in the doorway, not leaving the room until he saw Tommy completely disappear under the bed. Gently closing the door behind him, he walked to the top of the stairs. He could already hear the ruckus happening down below in the kitchen. Drawing in a deep breath, he steeled himself for what was to come. He tried to ignore the tremor in his hand as he descended the steps, rolling his eyes at his nerves. He would sometimes fantasize about a magic elixir he could take that would make it so that he was never scared, never anxious. In his dreams, he’d drink down the mixture and then go fight a ginormous dragon with not even a tremble in sight. Those were some of the hardest dreams to wake up from, only left with the disappointing reality of just how incapable he really was.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!!” Her shrill cries echoed in the dining room and Joel jumped down the last couple stairs, rounding the corner as fast as he could. She was already on the floor, just as he suspected and was worried about.
It was mere seconds before Joel threw himself at his father, pulling him back by his shirt and yelling, “Leave her alone!” He braced himself for the punch before it came. The last thing Joel saw before his vision blacked out was his mother trying to push herself up from the ground and crawl toward him.
Joel woke up to a cool washcloth running along his forehead. Music was playing in the background - the comforting crackle of the record player accompanying the melody of Hank Williams singing, “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry.” His mom sang along softly, “Did you ever see a robin weep when leaves begin to die? That means he’s lost the will to live, I’m so lonesome I could cry.” His head was in her lap, the scratchy cotton of her dress underneath his head as she dotted the damp cloth across his forehead.
“Oh, there’s my baby,” she said with a smile as Joel opened his eyes. He immediately noticed her black eye and the cut across her lips.
“Mom,” he said, sitting up suddenly and reaching for her face. She winced, pulling back as she gently wrapped her hand around his wrist, lowering it.
“I’m okay, baby…I’m okay.” She gave a reassuring smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “How do you feel?”
Joel reached his hand up, touching his bruised cheekbone that he was sure he’d have to cover up before school Monday morning. “I feel fine,” he offered dismissively. He looked around the living room where they were sitting. “Where’s-”
“He went out,” his mother answered, standing up and smoothing down the pleats of her dress. “I ain’t got a clue where your brother is, though. Been callin’ for him for the past half an hour.”
“Shit,” Joel swore, pushing off from the couch.
“Hey! Watch your language, young man.” She narrowed her eyes at him but he didn’t miss the corner of her mouth pulling up in a subtle smile.
Joel fought his own smile and replied, “Yes, mama.”
Winter came quickly, and it was brutal. Snow covered everything in sight and the temperatures were regularly below freezing. The horrible conditions also meant that Joel and Tommy lost their safe space - the outdoors. The woods behind their house was a regular space to explore, and although Joel didn’t like being away from home and his mom for very long, it was a nice escape when they had it.
The school break seemed to stretch on. The first couple days were easy to occupy the time as Joel completed his schoolwork and helped Tommy with his. But then they were left with another ten days.
Their dad wasn’t working, as was typical. He was somehow always “in between jobs,” and just worked the random odd job to make ends meet. He’d already made enough money for the week, so he just sat around the living room drinking beers from the time he woke up to the time he went to bed. Joel and Tommy were skilled at staying out of his way, but their mom wasn’t so lucky.
She’d try to keep herself busy - cleaning, organizing, cooking. But whenever she made a sound or crossed through the living room, he’d talk to her. Very rarely could they have a discussion that didn’t lead to an argument of some kind, and very rarely could they have an argument without it turning into a physical altercation.
By the fifth day, Joel was covered in bruises, scratches, and welts. He winced when he bent over, his ribs bruised from all the punches. The only relief he felt was when he looked at his mom and saw that she was less battered than usual, him having weathered the brunt of the beatings to protect her. He’d sit at the kitchen counter and watch her as she cooked dinner, noticing the bruises on her wrists that were healing already. He offered to help every night, but his mom would shake her head with that knowing smile of hers, and just ask him to set the table. Joel obliged, he always did with his mom.
They ate dinner at a precisely set table in silence aside from the occasional creak of a chair or scrape of a fork against a plate. After dinner, their dad went to the living room to drink some scotch, a norm in their house. Tommy went upstairs to play and Joel helped his mom clean up. She turned on the small radio in the kitchen, playing classic country songs that she started lip syncing to. Joel enjoyed watching her. He liked seeing her smile, and how her dress flowed out when she twirled. She caught him watching and sauntered closer to him, grabbing him and pulling him close to her so they could dance together. He bit his lip to stifle his laughter. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so silly, but these carefree moments were few and far between, so he tried to relax into it as best he could.
They swayed to the music, his mother’s soft laughter huffing against his ear as they rocked side to side and spun around together. Joel took a step back in a playful bow and reached out for his mother’s hand. She smiled and curtsied before setting her hand in his and letting him spin her. They both stifled their giggles and he spun her again. Her arm swept across the counter, knocking over one of the measuring cups and sending it tumbling into the sink where it clattered with the other dishes she had yet to wash.
“What’s that ruckus in there?!” his father shouted from the living room.
Joel’s mom looked panicked, looking around and realizing just how behind she was on cleaning. She looked at the clock. His father always expected the kitchen to be cleaned by 7 P.M. She only had ten minutes and it surely wouldn’t be enough time. She looked back to Joel and said, “I need you to go get Tommy and draw him a bath. Turn on the radio in there and lock the door. Okay, baby?”
Joel shook his head. “No…no, I’m not leaving you, mom. I’ll help clean. I’ll help-”
She stepped forward, setting her hands gently on either side of his face. “Baby, you need to take care of your brother, okay? He needs you. I can handle your father…but you know what he gets like, and I can’t risk him coming in there to hurt either of you.”
“Mom, no-” Tears brimmed Joel’s lower lashes.
“Look at me, baby. Tommy’s young, okay? He’s only eight-”
“He’s almost nine.”
She nodded, trying to be patient with him. “Yes, but you’re thirteen…you’re not a little boy anymore. Tommy is. He needs you to protect him…that’s your job as his older brother, okay? That’s what a man does, baby…he protects.”
Joel drew in a sharp breath, steeling himself so that he wouldn’t cry. He puffed his chest out and stood up tall.
“Good boy…a man’s job is to protect. And a mother’s job…what is that, baby?” Her features were soft as she regarded him. She had more pride for him than she knew what to do with. There were often times where she felt like Joel was the one thing she’d done right in this world. She had full confidence that he was going to grow into an incredible man, and she couldn’t wait to witness it.
Joel shook his head. “I…I don’t know.”
“To love, baby…a mother’s job is to love.” She kissed his cheek. “Now go, take care of Tommy.”
Joel heard the grunt of his father getting up from the couch, and he ran upstairs as fast as he could. The tears started to flow and he brushed them away angrily, just like he was brushing away the thoughts of what his father was about to do to his mother.
Tommy was playing with his toy trucks when Joel threw open their bedroom door. “Bath. Now,” he commanded brusquely. He kicked his toys to the side as he crossed the room then grabbed Tommy by the arm.
“Ow, Joel! Stop! You’re hurting me!” Tommy attempted to yank his arm away but Joel only squeezed harder.
He didn’t answer him, just pulled him out of the room and into the bathroom across the hall. When they crossed the corridor, they both could hear the scuffle occurring at the bottom of the stairs. Tommy looked worriedly at Joel who didn’t pay him any mind, just shoved him into the bathroom and shut the door quietly behind him, locking it.
“Get in the bathtub.” Joel opened the bathroom cabinet, searching for the bubbles that Tommy always insisted on, even though Joel thought he should’ve outgrown them by now.
“But there isn’t even water yet…” Tommy stood against the bathroom wall, creating distance between him and Joel.
“I don’t fuckin’ care. Get undressed ‘n in the bathtub.” He found the bottle, pulling it out and noticing what little was left. He made a mental note to add it to his shopping list. A few months ago, his father had banned his mother from going to the store, convinced that she was going there just to flirt with the cashiers. So, it had turned into yet another responsibility that Joel had on his plate.
Tommy sat in the empty bathtub, watching Joel as he turned on the radio, setting it on the closed toilet lid as he started to draw the bath. He averted his eyes from Tommy, knowing how embarrassed Tommy got when Joel saw him naked. Instead, Joel stared at the tiles on the wall, his eyes memorizing the imperfections in the grout as he let his mind zone out. He occasionally dipped his hand under the faucet, making sure the water wasn’t getting too hot or cold as it filled. There was a familiar sick feeling that started to brew in his core, and he clenched his jaw, willing it to go away.
“Joel?” Tommy asked softly.
With his eyes still focused on the wall, Joel replied curtly, “What?”
“Are we…going to be okay?” The brothers never talked about anything serious, so the question caught Joel off guard who turned back to look at him.
“What do you mean?”
“Like…our family. Is our family okay?” The answer seemed so painfully obvious to Joel that he had to hesitate in his response. He assumed that what Tommy was really asking was whether things were going to eventually be okay. In which case, Joel wasn’t sure but liked to think so.
He gave a white lie as he answered, “Yeah, Tommy…we’re gonna be fine.”
When Tommy woke up it was still dark out. He squinted his eyes out the window and could see the morning sun just barely peeking up. He noticed Joel’s bed was empty. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up, scanning the room before patting to the bedroom door where he saw a note taped to the smooth wood.
It was written in red crayon and read: stay in room
Joel’s handwriting. He recognized it immediately. Joel had put him to bed last night, ushering him quickly across the hallway after his bath. Tommy was exhausted and had fallen asleep quickly, assuming Joel was doing the same. His hand hovered above the doorknob as he read it, only hesitating for a moment before opening the door anyway.
The house was quiet, almost eerily so. He walked down the hallway, watching where he stepped so that he didn’t land on any of the creaky spots. As he passed his parents’ bedroom, the door was cracked open and he could hear his dad snoring. When he peered into the room, he saw his dad sleeping in an otherwise empty bed with an open bottle of scotch on the nightstand.
He crept down the stairs, still watching every careful place his feet landed. When he turned the corner, he saw his mother laying on the kitchen floor. He froze, his body going rigid as concern flooded him. But he was finally able to take a breath as he saw that her chest was moving along with her breaths.
When he moved closer, he had to throw his hand against his mouth to stifle the scream that threatened to come out. She was covered in blood. There were scratches and welts on her arms and legs. Her dress was tattered and the hairclip she’d been wearing earlier was broken on the floor. He could hardly discern the features of her face because of how swollen and bruised she was. He began to tremble, tears streaming down his face as he took another step closer to her.
That’s when he finally spotted him. Joel. He was curled up behind his mom, one of his hands pressed to the top of her back as he slept on his other arm that was stretched out underneath him. He was in a deep sleep, but there was a crease between his eyebrows - worry etched into his features even when sleeping. He noticed the blood underneath his fingernails, likely from trying to clean up their mom after the fight. Joel’s knuckles were bruised, a clear sign that he had tried beating their dad again. Tommy never understood why Joel kept trying to do that, knowing that it failed each and every time.
There was a lot Tommy didn’t understand about Joel. Like why Joel never seemed to be able to hug him. Or why Joel insisted on getting involved in every fight between their parents. He didn’t understand why Joel never helped him with his homework - just huffed and said “Gotta figure shit out on your own.” And he definitely didn’t understand why Joel seemed to stand up for every single girl at school, yet never had a girlfriend.
And yet, no matter how much he didn’t understand, that never prevented Joel from being the brother he always needed. He thought back to his birthday last year. His dad had been drinking more than usual. He noticed it as soon as he and Joel got back from school. Joel had even warned him when they went upstairs to change their clothes.
“Dad is…not feeling good, okay? So…we might not be able to do a whole lot tonight. Got it?” Tommy knew exactly what Joel meant, so he nodded his head, preparing himself for a disappointing birthday evening.
The birthday dinner went fine. It was quiet, as usual, but their dad kept his mouth shut when their mom asked the usual birthday questions. Top three favorite things of this year, most looking forward to next year, and the thing they're most proud of themselves for. Tommy loved the questions. It wasn’t often he got his parents’ undivided attention, so he’d start thinking of his answers weeks before his birthday. Joel, on the other hand, hated them. He’d answer the first two, but somehow always got out of the last one. His mom would eventually give up, just offering Joel a small smile and a wink.
When dinner was over, they all migrated to the living room for Tommy to open his gift and choose the movie he wanted to watch. There weren’t always things to look forward to at home, but their mother did what she could to make their birthdays feel special, and choosing a movie was one of them.
Tommy made his choice, but something he had said pissed off his dad. He’d forgotten what it was as time went on, but he’d never forget the way his dad jumped off the couch, throwing him to the ground and then grabbing his gift and chucking it in the fireplace. Joel lurched toward the open fire initially, then realized better and walked toward Tommy, helping him up and then getting him into their bedroom.
“I’ll be right back,” Joel had said, before leaving and closing the door behind him. This was typical - Joel removing Tommy from whatever the conflict was before going right into the heart of it himself.
Tommy cried in his bed, the disappointment from his ruined birthday weighing heavily on him. The only solace he had was knowing that he’d fall asleep and tomorrow it would all be over. What he didn’t expect was to hear Joel’s voice beside him, “Hey, sit up.”
He rubbed his eyes, wiping away his tears on the sleeve of his shirt as he shuffled upwards in the bed. Joel was holding a small plate with a cinnamon roll on it. A candle was shoved into the center, glowing yellow and creating a halo between the two of them. “Happy birthday,” Joel murmured, holding the plate closer to Tommy so he could blow out the candle.
He didn’t even bother making a wish. It was his first year not doing so. He took the plate from Joel. “Thanks, Joel…where did you get this?”
The tips of Joel’s ears turned red as he shrugged his shoulders. “They had them for school lunch a couple days ago…it might not even be good anymore…” His voice trailed off as he continued, “probably stale as shit now.”
Tommy tried not to smile too much as he said, “and you saved yours for me?”
Joel rolled his eyes, “Oh come on, Tommy. Don’t make a big stink about it. Just knew that tonight was probably gonna be ruined one way or another, so…”
“Thank you, Joel.” Tommy’s voice was painfully earnest and Joel had no choice but to sit in the discomfort of his brother’s gratitude.
“One more thing,” he said as he pulled something wrapped in paper towels from behind his back. Tommy leaned to the side, trying to get a good look. Joel hardly looked at him as he handed him the item.
Tommy unraveled it in his lap, revealing a small wooden train. His eyes lit up. He’d been wanting a toy train for a long time, but finances were tight and their gifts were usually whatever toy was on sale at the time.
He set it on the nightstand, rolling it forward and noticing that it wobbled unevenly. The wheels were different sizes and one of them was screwed in so tightly, it wouldn’t really move. It looked handmade - somewhat shoddy, but clearly having had care put into it. He turned it to the side and saw his initials painted along it. His eyes shot up to Joel.
“Joel,” he started, “did you…”
Joel hung his head. “Yeah, I made it. I know it’s shit, I just-”
“I love it,” Tommy retorted quickly.
Joel looked up at him. “Yeah?”
Tommy nodded. “Yeah. How did you make it?”
Joel looked over at the train. “Dad’s been letting me use his workbench after school sometimes. Took me a few attempts…but this was the best one I’d made.”
Tommy let go of the train and lunged forward, his arms wrapping around Joel’s neck in a tight embrace. “Thank you, Joel,” he spoke, muffled against Joels’ shoulder.
Joel patted his back. He tried relaxing into the embrace but it felt impossible. His heart was thudding and he wasn’t sure why he felt so uncomfortable. He heard Tommy murmur, “love you,” and it took every last shred of energy he had to respond, “love you too.”
“God, I fuckin’ hate you,” Joel sneered, shoving past Tommy and out of the crowded bar. Tommy followed quickly after him, his beer bottle still held at his side as his shoes crunched on the gravel in the parking lot.
“Yeah? Well, fuckin’ same. Asshole.” He took a swig from his beer and continued following Joel to his truck.
“The fuck do you want?” Joel asked as he looked over his shoulder.
“You never come with me. It’s one time a year, Joel. One fuckin’ time…and you can’t even do it for her?” Right as the words left Tommy’s mouth, Joel spun around. He took a menacing step toward Tommy, his eyes dark with anger.
“Don’t you fucking bring her into this or I swear to god, Tommy, I’ll-”
“You’ll what, Joel? Punch me? Hit me? We all know that’s the only way you know how to handle anything. You’re fucking pathetic.” Tommy grimaced as he said the words, hating how they sounded.
Joel shook his head, ready to be done with the conversation. He fished his keys out of his pocket and unlocked his truck. Just as he opened the door, ready to get inside, Tommy spoke again.
“You know it’s your fault, right?” The anger and disdain Tommy felt outweighed the potential guilt of hurting Joel’s feelings. He was sick of Joel not accompanying him to their mother’s grave on her birthday. Every year, he’d find Joel at the bar, pleading with him to go. And every year, Joel rolled his eyes and didn’t so much as consider it. Aside from the day she was buried, Tommy wasn’t sure if Joel had ever gone to visit her.
Joel looked over his shoulder, a blank expression on his face as he tried to make sense of what Tommy was saying. Other patrons started to file out of the bar, the door opening and the music pouring out into the night air.
“She’s dead because of you. Because of what you-” He couldn’t finish his sentence because Joel’s fist collided with his mouth so hard that it knocked him backwards. Blood started pouring from his mouth and he coughed, nearly choking on it. He grabbed at his face looking up at Joel.
His broad shoulders were rising and falling with his breaths as he watched Tommy attempt to stop the blood from trickling out. His eyes were nearly black, and Tommy had never been so afraid of him before.
“We’re fuckin’ done. That’s it, Tommy. I don’t want anything t’do with you. You can see me at work, that’s it. But don’t fuckin’ talk to me unless you have to. I don’t care about what happens in your life. Got it? Don’t give me fuckin’ updates ‘bout Maria, or any of that shit. In fact, I hope your life fuckin’ sucks. All that shit I did for you?” He was getting angrier, stalking toward Tommy and causing him to back up into the truck behind them. “Goddamnit Tommy, you’d be dead if it weren’t for me. Fuck. How many beatings did you get growin’ up? Huh? Answer me.” He was toe-to-toe with Tommy now.
Tommy shook his head, sputtering blood.
“That’s what I fuckin’ thought…can’t even fuckin’ give me an answer. Wanna know why? Because it’s none, Tommy…’cause I saved your ass every goddamn time. ‘N I’ve continued to. The amount of money I’ve thrown away at gettin’ you outta jail? Payin’ for a goddamn lawyer t’get you outta whatever mess you’re in?” He shook his head. “I’m done. Take care of your own goddamn messes now.”
Joel walked to his car, getting in and closing the door without looking back. A group of bar patrons had gathered from afar to watch what was transpiring. Tommy glanced over at them, shame and regret bubbling up. “What are you fuckin’ lookin’ at?!” he shouted through blood-stained teeth.
The group dissipated, scattering away to their cars. Tommy watched as Joel drove down the road. One of his wheels spun out and kicked up dirt as he hightailed it away from the bar. Tommy’s mind flashed back to the wheels on the toy train. A lump formed in his throat as he stifled his cry, instead just getting in his own truck and doing what he could to avoid looking at himself in the rearview mirror.
He knew it was going to be a bad fight. He knew it by the look in his father’s eyes and the number of broken dishes on the kitchen floor. His mom looked at him pleadingly, quietly speaking, “Please, baby, take Tommy and go…” There was true terror in her eyes and it made Joel feel nauseous.
All of his nerves were on fire, telling him to run, stay, fight, anything. He wanted to stay and help his mom, but he looked over at Tommy cowering by the front door with his backpack still on from school. He looked more like a 4-year-old than an 8-year-old right now and it crushed Joel to see.
He gave one last glance at his mom, and then his father smashed another plate on the floor, screaming nonsense. Joel turned to the front door, brushing past Tommy to yank it open before he grabbed Tommy by the backpack and said, “Come on.”
They ran across the front yard and across the street to the woods on the opposite side. Joel was thankful for these woods. They were the main place that he and Tommy played, but also their main escape from home and their father. The boys were sure that their father knew that this was where they came to get away, but he never wanted to spend the energy it would take to track them down there.
It was still going to be light out for a while, so Joel knew that Tommy would be fine out here. He tried to distract himself, watching Tommy gather sticks and build with them, but his leg wouldn’t stop bouncing and he kept glancing back in the direction of their home.
He pulled a peppermint out from his pocket, offering one to Tommy silently who just shook his head. Joel popped it in his mouth and closed his eyes, trying to take the advice of his mom. He pictured her sitting with him in the bathroom, where she had found him nearly hyperventilating as he cried with the shower running behind him as he sat on the floor. He’d tried to cover up the sounds of his sobs, but his mother had heard anyway, coming to check on him. She’d told him that eating a peppermint would help, but hadn’t explained why. And on that morning, when she unwrapped it and handed it to him, pulling him against her chest as she cradled him, he found that it had worked.
Tommy didn’t seem to notice Joel’s building anxiety, preoccupied with his pretend world that he was creating. Joel was envious that Tommy was still able to do that. He couldn’t remember the last time that he truly played.
After another few minutes, Joel couldn’t take it anymore. “I’ll be back. Stay here, okay?” He gave Tommy a stern look, earning an uncertain nod in response.
As Joel started toward their home, he got a bad feeling in his gut. He’d learned time and time again that that feeling was usually right. So he started running. Fast. He ripped through the trees, hardly looking as he crossed the road into their front yard. Just as his foot hit their property, he heard a gunshot. It froze him for a moment, his mind trying to discern whether that was really what he heard and whether it was really coming from his house.
He burst in through the front door, nearly knocking it off its hinges. His jaw dropped as he saw his mother laying on the kitchen floor in a pool of her own blood, quiet whimpers coming from her trembling body. His heart was pounding as he looked up at his father standing above her. He opened his mouth to shout something, but then all he saw was red.
The beeping of the hospital monitors lulled Joel into a stupor. He stared off, his mind seemingly empty as he studied the white wall. A doctor walked in, checking his mother’s vitals and glancing over at Joel through the corner of her eye.
“You okay over there?” she asked.
Joel looked over at her, simply nodding his head and continuing to pick at the skin around his thumb.
“Your brother is down in the cafeteria with the social worker. You didn’t want to join them?” This doctor had been incredibly kind to both boys since they arrived. It broke her heart to see how scared they both had been, and she could only imagine the horrors that Joel had had to witness.
Joel shook his head. She crossed the room to him, setting her hand on his shoulder. “Your mother’s stable…she’s going to be okay.”
Joel clenched his jaw as tears came to his eyes. The doctor sighed, giving his shoulder a squeeze as she continued, “I’m so sorry about your father.”
His mom stirred in the bed and the doctor turned around, moving over to her and calmly speaking to her in a quiet voice. Joel tried to listen, but his brain felt so far away from his body, that all he could really do was just watch.
Before they could finish their conversation, a police officer walked in. Joel’s eyes snapped up, his heart pounding. He watched in slow motion as the officer began speaking with his mom. He heard his mother crying, her sobs turning into pleading as she insisted over and over that his father wouldn’t kill himself.
Joel didn’t respond as his mother started asking him questions. He felt like he was under water, only hearing distorted sounds. It wasn’t until the officer was standing in front of him that Joel came to and looked up.
“You alright son?” he asked, peering down at Joel with a semblance of concern in his eyes.
Joel took in a breath and nodded.
“Alright kid, jus’ gotta confirm real quick…follow-up after your statement from earlier.” Joel hardly remembered making a statement. “You ‘n your brother were in the woods. Ya heard a gunshot and went running to the house, and then you heard a second gunshot. Your brother stayed back in the woods, and when you got into the house you saw both of your parents lying on the floor. Then you called 911.” He looked up from his clipboard. “That all correct?”
Joel nervously glanced at his mother who was wide-eyed and staring at him, her jaw partially falling open. She vaguely remembered seeing Joel in the house. It was right before she lost consciousness, and she knew that at that point her husband was standing right beside her. The pieces clicked together slowly as she watched Joel confirm everything and listened to the officer give his report to the second officer who walked in, hearing how Joel’s and Tommy’s stories lined up.
She was trying not to panic, but when Joel looked over at her, her motherly instincts kicked in and she offered him a comforting smile. Joel seemed to accept this, smiling back as his shoulders finally relaxed. He thought that maybe now, everything might finally be okay.
The school bus was running late, and Joel was growing more and more antsy by the minute. He wished that he had just walked home as usual, but lately he’d been trying to ride the bus with Tommy. Joel hadn’t anticipated how bad Tommy’s grief was going to be, and despite him not understanding why Tommy would miss their abusive father, he was trying to be as supportive as he could.
The bus rounded the corner onto their street and Joel’s leg started bouncing. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, anxiously waiting to get off the bus. He hoped that his mother wouldn’t still be in bed. That seemed to be where she always was now. Joel would have to practically beg her to get up and take a shower. And even then, when she was finished, she would just go right back to bed.
Joel cooked all the meals for him and Tommy, carrying a plate up to his mother and holding back tears when she wouldn’t even take a bite.
But he’d talked to his teacher today, asking her questions about what to do when someone seems really, really sad. She had mentioned something called therapy. Joel had never heard of it before, but his teacher scribbled down some information for him, looking at him skeptically as he insisted that he was fine and it was just for a friend.
Their mother was indeed still in bed when they got home, but she took the piece of paper from him and sat up to give him a kiss on the cheek.
He fell asleep feeling hopeful for the first time in weeks.
Life had never been better. Tommy seemed to be doing better - he was back to playing and making stupid jokes that pissed Joel off. His mother started therapy and returned to her normal cooking and cleaning, even sometimes laughing at some silly thing that the boys were doing.
Joel had never before experienced life without fear and abuse. His body didn’t stiffen every time he came home anymore. And their nightly dinners weren’t silent anymore either. He was sleeping better than ever before. His grades were improving. And his mom almost seemed back to her usual self.
She was going to therapy weekly and even though she seemed exhausted, she wasn’t walking around crying anymore.
A few months went by, and Joel was too preoccupied to notice the subtle changes in his mother’s behavior. He thought it was simply her being caring when she wanted to teach Joel new things. She made sure he knew how to sew and do his own laundry. She taught him how to balance a checkbook and navigate the phone directory. She instilled confidence in him. With every new skill he learned, she’d squeeze his arm and say, “That’s my boy.” Joel had already been pretty self-sufficient up to this point, so it didn’t take much for his mother to feel more reassured about his skillset.
She started spending more time with him in the evenings. He noticed that she would read three or four chapters rather than two when she read to him and Tommy before bed. She started asking him to go on walks with her after dinner, where they would talk about whatever Joel wanted. She reminded him frequently that his job was to take care of Tommy, and rather than before, when she would follow it up by saying that her job was to love and take care of him, now she said that he didn’t need anyone to take care of him - that he was finally a man.
But Joel didn’t feel like a man that one Friday afternoon when he walked off the bus with Tommy and saw the police car in his driveway. He didn’t feel like a man when the officer sat him down on the couch to tell him that his mother was gone. He didn’t feel like a man when he crumbled to the floor, sobbing so hard that he nearly vomited. And he didn’t feel like a man when his mother’s casket was lowered into the ground and he screamed louder than he ever had before.
It was the social worker that had eventually told Joel that his mother left letters - letters to him and Tommy, as well as letters detailing how she hoped they’d be taken care of after she passed. Arrangements had been made for them to stay with an aunt they’d never met before. She was kind enough, but a bond never formed. He and Tommy stayed with her until the day Joel turned eighteen.
He’d been working and saving up money, and he and Tommy were able to move into their own place. It didn’t take long for Joel to start to channel all of his grief into caring for Tommy, and it didn’t take Tommy long to start wreaking havoc everywhere he went. It turned into a natural pattern for the two of them.
It felt right to Joel, caring for someone. As pissed as he got each time he got a phone call about some trouble Tommy had caused, he found himself grateful for something to pour his energy into. He realized that when you cared for someone else, you didn’t have to deal with your own emotions. It became a natural suppressant for him.
Over time, he thought about his mother less and less. He was thankful to his brain for slowly tucking all of those memories away into a little box. He’d never read the letters that his mother wrote for him. He never went to her grave after seeing her buried in it. He removed the photos of her from the mantel, leaving only empty frames and pictures of him and Tommy. The only thing he kept was an always-stocked glass jar of peppermint candies in his kitchen cupboard. He didn’t have an explanation for it, didn’t ever really think much of it, but it had become such a habitual part of his life. Joel started to forget about the abuse, and the trauma, and the grief. He buried it so deep that he wasn’t sure if it was even there anymore. And it was then that he finally started to feel it. He was finally a man.
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