not lunch enough @corndogparade - Tumblr Blog

oh gosh I just realized I can talk about this here!! I'll put most of it under a cut because it's personal but still whoa

just about a year ago, my mom and dad told me they were getting a divorce. it came COMPLETELY out of nowhere, they have been married for.. 30 years? I think they had that anniversary just the year before and went on a vacation and shit, which THEY NEVER DO. So it was weird as shit that it just happened.

they talked to me and my brother about it at the frikkin dinner table. It was horrible. I was just fake smiling like haha?? okay?? and then they told me not to write about it on my blog. like wow. there's SO much restriction to what I am able to write on my main. HENCE WHY I GOT THIS THING. rest under cut! (I don't expect anyone to read, it's rather long. I just need to vent this finally :) )

okay so.. my mom and dad NEVER had like big fights. never really "fights" at all, just nag stuff. my dad is so strange though, I never got him. I never really think he was a family man.. he just kinda ended up there

so me and my siblings haven't had to go through having to listen to them scream at eachother or whatever. my parents has spend the last 10 years sitting in the livingroom "watching" tv, with their ipads in front of their faces. I'm not shaming them for it, it's understandable. But we didn't exactly have a fascinating lifestyle.

There's so much stuff around this I almost don't know what to write first. For one, I took the divorce REALLY well. It was a STRONG improvement of my life. It was hard at first, but it was mostly just because of that we had to move from my childhood home, a quite big house on top of a hill in the forest, to a small apartment closer to the city. At the same time I was unemployed, struggling with money, and I was preparing to apply to school. It was just too much for me to handle.

It was about a year before this happened that I became depressed (another thing I can't write about on my main) because of me losing all my friends in my previous school (they graduated, one changed school) and at the same time I realized I didn't feel safe in school or at home. I realized that there was a form of non-physical domestic violence at home, caused by my dad. I was sad in school, I was sad at home. Great times.

My dad is a very bitter and angry person. Very fake. He can mean good, and he does try very hard, but he can't get away from his true nature. My older sister didn't live with us anymore, so I was in charge whenever my parents were out. Look over the dog 24/7, dishes and stuff like that.

I often came home from school late, at 5-6pm-ish. 90% before my parents come home, which could range from ten minutes to two hours. My brother rarely does anything he's supposed to do, so again, 90% of the time, I had to do the dishes before my parents came home. Sometimes there was very little time. If the dishes weren't done, my dad would be mad for the rest of the day, just ooze of negative energy, and I could not stand being anywhere in the house. I take in that shit like poison. Augh god I can't even describe his ways. Bitter sarcasm, throwing stuff, slamming everything he would put down. I jump everytime I hear kitchen appliances bang together. I cannot.

Thing is this had been going on for years, but it was more directed towards me now, since my sister weren't around and my brother just don't give a shit. There were other things as well, if the dog did something bad and I didn't notice and fix it before they came home, it was my fault. Bang, that simple. I get the blame. In the winter, when there's frikkin snowstorms every second day, is the driveway not clear? Oh, my fault again. Sorry I didn't shovel away literally tons of snow, I was doing the dishes or some shit.

It did get more okay when I was out of school and had whole days I could do these things on. But at the time I was in school for so long and sometimes when I came home, I just died on my bed from exhaustion. My school was in another city, I had to get up 4am everyday to catch my first 10 minute bus, then get on my second 45 minute bus to get to school in time. Then the same thing on the way back.

It was at the same time as I realized what my dad was doing, that I realized, I didn't like my dad. Not ever. I was always just afraid of him. He sometimes did good things, but in general I was always very skeptical about his nice doings. Where's the catch, sort of. His sense of bringing up children was fear. He threatened - not us in a violent sense - but things we loved. When we were younger it was throwing out toys or video games. Later it became stuff like they would take the internet away, haha. Only my brother did worse enough stuff to get the internet pulled away from him... god. My BROTHER. DOn'T GET ME STARTED. A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY.

My dad did threaten our dog though. That is just fucking horrid. I can't even remember how many times he has threatened to bash him with a shovel and bury him in the woods. And he says that in front of us. He wouldn't do it, but he sure did want to. I am very, very certain that he hit the dog when we weren't around. I think twice our dog mysteeriously hurt his leg. I'm not saying it was definitely caused by my dad but it's not fucking impossible.

Therefore I was often very protective of the dog when my dad was at home. My dad was in charge of the cooking most of the time (he used to be a chef) and of course my dog would walk around his feet all the time. I could hear it going on from my room, and everytime I hear my dogs little claws touch the kitchen floor, I would rush there and grab him. But he didn't want to spend time with me, he wanted to be in the kitchen, so he often ended up there anyway. And got kicked. And scolded. And I got more depressed. Gloom.

When I was unemployed I would be home for days and just take care of the dog, cook food and watch tv or whatever. I was recovering from being completely burned out from school, later on I got to go to a stress recovery center thing. But at the time I would be at home and chill. Sometimes my dad would come home randomly over lunch. I felt very cornered and scared those times. It was just me, him and the dog, and the dog wanted to be with him because he had the food (my dad always gives in when the dog begs) (then beats him for it)

I would flee to my room (the only safe place I had, but only barely, I could not close my door because then my dad would get mad!! haha!! wow!) and sit there and wait for him to go. I could hear him get mad at the dog again. Slam stuff in the kitchen. Groan about that he has to go to work. Complain about it to me. Then say stuff like "and you're gonna watch tv right? tough stuff" or if I said I was drawing he'd be like "how boring for you". Sometimes I would have friends over and we'd have a good time, playing video games or something, and he'd look in and be like you having fun?? tough for you! enjoy! like in the fucking most sarcastic bitter way possible.

Back on track a little - my parents decided to get a divorce. I was like okay, what, fuck, wait oh, thats good, awesome, yes! it that order, over the span of a few weeks.

We did have to spend christmas in the old house together - awkward as shit, haha. It was around this time I really got into Looney Tunes! It helped my a lot to get these negative things off my mind and be less stressed. One of my christmas memories is sitting alone in the tv room watching LT specials on demand though, with the christmas tree shining in my face. My dad came in to watch hours later though, he just sat down for ten minutes then rolled his eyes and left. Later mom joined instead and she sat through it (with her ipad) but still. Mom is great, btw. Bless. She can be a little tough to deal with at times, cause she gets stressed and can't deal with it well. I got to handle that better once the divorce happened, my mom and I got a lot closer.

We moved early february, before my birthday. My dad had to help with the moving in and putting up wallpaper and stuff, my mom ain't the handy person. It was messy. As soon as my bed was in place in my room I locked myself in there, laid down on the bed and watched Looney Tunes til my dad left. Could not stand him anymore, I just wanted it to be over, I couldn't wait for him to FINALLY be out of my life.

He did stay in town for a while but he was moving to a city quite far away. Good. There's some fishy stuff regarding this - why he did move there - but I'm not gonna bash him completely. Just. Hm.

My mom was finally taking a stand against his shit tho, I remember that when he FINALLY left, it was because him and mom discussed something and he was being a jerk about it until she just said "SCRAM" or something like that (we're not english speakers so uhh translation) and he slammed the door. then I slid out of my room like IS HE GONE OH THANK THE LAOOORD

living in the apartment got me to help around a lot more - without having to face violence if I didn't manage to do stuff in time. My mom is much more understanding. I did do a lot more though, because asking someone to do something is very much more effective than threatening someone to do it. I finally got to try out cooking for real, and i enjoyed it a lot! I love cooking!

Earlier my dad would TRY to teach me how to cook but it wasn't very pleasant, since I didn't trust him. I was super tense and scared of doing stuff wrong. I became sort of a perfectionist that way, always measuring ingredients correctly and such, while he was just like "IDK PUT SOME FLOUR.. LIKE A HANDFUL.. IDK" very helpful. oh shit I did it wrong? what a surprise.

wow this is getting long. this can be the rough draft of my biography. the title will be "The Reason I don't Kill Myself is That Cartoons Are Neat"

anywayyy apartment stuff was good. I applied to the school, went to work at a magazine, still depressed though. Just rolling along, trying my best. Got into school, stressed about getting loans and stuff. Bleh bleh.

NOW WHEN I WAS GONNA MOVE TO SCHOOL - how was I gonna get there? Beep beep, the only reason I didn't even yell at my dad in the end was because he was gonna DRIVE ME to Denmark. We couldn't make it over a day trip so we had to stop at his place over the weekend - with his new family. Yeah. ~ new family ~

This must've been the most unpleasant fucking thing I've ever experienced. I am understanding over stuff regarding my dad and what he wants, he never really was the modern lifestyle type that my mom was, so now he lives out in the country with his new girlfriend and her kids. And two cats. Dem poor cats. (One's a ragdoll DARLING though, we are bffs.)

Anyway I respect his choices, I want him to be happy, of course. But wow. I feel sorry for the kids. I was there over a weekend and the way he treated them was horrible. There was absolutely 0% love to it. He gives no shit about these kids. Sometimes they would talk to him (they are very young, 8-10) and he would not answer, ignore them, or talk to them in this incredibly tired, mechanic voice. He did not. Care. Only with the girlfriend he spoke normally. But he showed such disrespect to the kids in front of her? I really hope things work out for her, god. She's really nice. THE KIDS DESERVE BETTER; THEY ARE SWEET. My dad just calls them retards. FOR BEING KIDS????????

I got through it MAGICALLY, we got to Denmark, he help me set up here and he left after just two days. My mom expected him to stay for a week at least but nah. You good? You got some food? Ok good see ya

It did work out fine but haha, still, wow he does not really give a shit. It feels like he's faking trying to care about what I'm doing. He sends me long texts about things already answered on my main blog. He says he reads it. Clearly not. I don't fucking expect my parents to read it but they say they both do so WTf. His fucking texts tho. I try to answer them but sometimes he sends them at 6am. I'm not awake by then. Then I forget about it. Then a day later he sends another one like "Trying again" like some sassy bitch AHGHGHHhhh dad doesn't know shit about my being depressed though, neither does my mom, I can't TALK ABOUT MY FEELS MAn

I think I'm done. Yeah. If you read all that stuff wow you are a champ. u get gold medal and uh.. a baffy.. im.. gonna look for one hold on

aw look at that. okay. THANKS BAFFY FOR BEING A TROOPER SAVING ME FROM DEPRESSION STUFF.. STILL DOING ITS JOB

thanks friends for being friends with me and helping me stick through this. some people knew about it some didnt. ah well. I'm going home for christmas soon which is gonna be sweet. meet my family and unabused dog for a while. spending christmas without my dad for the first time.

all is well.

..(dadwise)

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