I’m a 24-year-old woman in the Midwest.
When I was 16, I met J. He was 21 years old and in college, we met at a party my friend’s older brother threw. He was really into me from the beginning. I was flattered that an older guy would be so interested in me. We got serious fast and I ended up getting pregnant at 17. My parents flipped out when they found out and they threw me out. I moved into the house J was sharing with 2 other guys. J wanted me to keep the baby, but I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother yet and I terminated the pregnancy even though I grew up in a really religious household and my parents told me abortion is murder. So my parents wouldn’t let me move back in with them after the abortion, and so I dropped out of high school so I could work full time at my retail job and J and I could get a place of our own.
Guys, he was really sweet at first, but he changed. When we met, he would buy me flowers, plan dates, take me on trips. But after the pregnancy, he just became…indifferent? He stopped with the romantic gifts, he really stopped showing interest in me except for when he wanted sex or wanted to criticize me. I couldn’t cook right, I couldn’t clean right, I couldn’t even have sex right—he wanted to do the things he saw in porn, like anal or choking, and I just hated those things. I tried to make him happy but it was just so awful for me and he was so disappointed that I regretted even trying.
I always thought I was too smart to stay with an abusive man, but I didn’t see the signs. Yes, he would hit me. Not punches, but he slapped me sometimes. He’d shove me if he was frustrated or sometimes he’d pull my hair.
He controls all the money. My paychecks are direct deposited into an account that he accesses and monitors. All my debit card transactions need to be explained or he explodes. My car is in his name. I truly own nothing in this relationship. We aren’t married so I don’t have rights to anything of his.
I got an IUD after my abortion, so pregnancy hasn’t been an issue, and I’m so thankful for that now. But the thing that finally pushed me to the breaking point was when J wouldn’t let me use the money in our joint account to pay for emergency vet treatment for my cat, Blackberry, who I’ve had since I was a girl in 2007. Blackberry developed some kind of crystals in his bladder that blocked him from being able to urinate, and he needed emergency care that would have been about $2000. J wouldn’t let me pay that much “just for a dumb animal.” I had to watch Blackberry pass away a couple of days later. I was devastated, and I still am. He didn’t deserve to die in pain like that. He was my best friend.
I can’t stay with this man. I can’t. I have finally opened my eyes to what he is.
I live in a pretty rural area without a lot of resources. But I’ve been talking with my cousin in a nearby city and her lease is going to be up in a month and she’s looking for a new place. She said she’d love to have me as a roommate. So I just need to survive until then.
I thought I could stay in a motel until then. A lot of crappy motels have monthly rates that are reasonable. I’ve seen them for $600-700.
If I leave him, I have to leave my car because it’s his. I can get a something driveable for $1500.
I know everyone is in a tight spot right now. But I need help, and I can’t ask anywhere that would reveal my identity. J follows all my other social media. He doesn’t know this tumblr exists and I’m going to keep it that way.
My cousin mailed me a cheap cell phone and I was able to set up a Venmo that will deposit into an account J doesn’t know about.
My user name there is morethanthis.
If you can donate, I cannot express my gratitude. I need to get out of this situation and I don’t have a lot of options.
Here’s a picture of Blackberry as a kitten. RIP little guy, you were one of the best of them. I’m so sorry I failed you.
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