[heartcountry]

it was the year you forgot my birthday.  if anyone asks, that’s what i’ll tell them. the year the rain turned away from me. it seems so small now, but back then, the world was a war i was fighting. the trees all had shadows trying to ruin me. i tried to fix it. i even spoke to the birds, but they scattered like dandelion seeds. you wrote me a letter to tell me how lonely love was. i tried to retrace my steps to before it all happened, but our lives went on and our hearts never looked the same.  i had a phantom poem in my head that i promised to give you if you stayed. you didn’t. the poem did. after two more years of silence, i was still sorry. i pictured your ghosts, and they looked nothing like me. i imagined a world where i was big enough to at least haunt you. it was the same world you burned down in all your dreams. 

[sophie531896273240810891]

let me relax……………will comment later…………………..

[secrevts]

[cosmoswrld]

i found myself yearning somewhere else. in a foreign land where i couldnt speak the language. where i had only hoped that perhaps if the strangers looked me in my eyes far enough. they would at least come to understand that what i was looking for couldnt be found. i remember wanting to walk all the corners of the earth. devoted to the idea that perhaps if i looked under every rock. if i swam through every ocean. if i slept under all the stars in the sky. i would be able to find what it was i was looking for. its been seven summers. seven winters. all that ive managed to live through. a part of me realizes that perhaps i will leave this earth one day. and i wont ever find what it was i was looking for and the only thing i can do is hope to forget.

[cosmoswrld]

the morning light is peeking through the window. except this time its entirely different from the day that i woke up and walked downstairs barefoot. only to greet my window curtains hello and to speak to the rotting plants on my dining table about how i dreamt about you last night. we are three years catapulted into the future. its five am here, two pm at yours. im looking at the messages on my phone and i think. perhaps maybe this is another collision of the all the stars and all the moons. my breath is hitched up into my throat. and everything is shaking with fervent proximity. i remember how it felt, all seven years in the split of thirty seconds where everything goes blind. i almost want to run to the kitchen sink and bend myself so far over that maybe. if i pray hard enough. i will vomit everything up from inside me and it will get sucked down the drain. and then all that will remain of me is a shell. as clean and as empty as the one i found on the beach that day, that when i put it to my ear, was almost reminiscent of everything i had ever hoped, ever imagined with you. im kneeling at the floor again. wondering. praying. as to why this has to be so hard. i lost you and him both. in different lives. but in the same body.

[cosmoswrld]

i dont want to feel like a part of myself is missing when i look at you anymore

[cosmoswrld]

i dont sleep anymore. i got afraid of the dark. and what it brought. that everytime i closed my eyes. id see you. and half asleep- id almost call your name out into my room. expecting you to appear and hold my hand. and everytime i woke up. confused and dazed. having my heart break for the 45th time again. and so now. i wait for when the sun rises. and the birds are landing in swarms next to my window pane. to drown out the noise of my head. in hopes itll keep you away. for just one more night.

[cosmoswrld]

i think i am obsessed with the idea of not being me anymore. infatuated with shedding myself of my skin. dyeing my hair another color. remaking myself from what i was once made of. i want to move somewhere far away. where i dont know anyone. and i am not my name anymore. everyone will probably ask where i went. or who i am now. and for that i wont have the answer to.

[cosmoswrld]

i think i almost forgot how to scream. forgot how to speak even. somewhere along the lines of two years the silence became so comforting. that even at the worst. even at the best. i never had anything to say. i didnt really ever imagine the day that i would be back. in the midst of an imaginary figment of turmoil that my own mind. my own heart. made up against me. i didnt realize when things got this bad. to the way that they did. where days passed. weeks. and nothing of fruition came to. and for some reason it was okay. like the world had soothed down to the dulling of a mellow blue. nothing moved. it was almost like the notion of time was gone. where id spend hours. laying in bed. with the same song on repeat. wondering where the years went. and how i lost you again. this time in a different person. in a different period. he looks just like you. the same birthday and all. i remember holding his hand for the first time. and all i thought about was how similar it was to yours. oversized and dentations of the weary work he carried. and that i didnt expect to feel this way. not after 8 years. but here i am again. cycling back the same story. i hope in another world, it ends differently.

[he is just like you and he broke my heart too.]

[cosmoswrld]

heres to the singlehanded death of emotions riding on a can of energized drinks & numerous cups of coffee until i slept and woke up and saw the stars right in my hands

[cosmoswrld]

in another world i am no longer screaming your name into the darkened hours. i have never prayed for much except to be held in your arms. i suppose that is the torment of it all. to be loved so much until everything is leaking out of your face and onto the floor. a part of me thinks i wont ever recover. i am so helplessly aching at the thought of you in every way. where your hands are at the nape of my neck pulling me closer planting kisses on places you have grown to know so well. where i am grabbing onto your hair in fistfuls. it is a painful thing to fall in love with a poet. for we see remnants of those we love everywhere. in the sun. in the flowers. in the smell of cigarettes- 

[cosmoswrld]

i think i want to vomit blood. i have been whispering to myself to not cry to not cry to not cry. i am holding onto my phone. watching as your messages come in. telling me about how we need to distance off. and this time. i think you mean it. although you say you wont leave. i feel as though i am saying goodbye. to a former you. one where i knew you the best. where i could have sensed a fluctuation in your rapid changing emotions. where i am moaning into the phone and your voice is growing darker. where we are bare souls shining ourselves to one another without a care in the world. my heart is heavy. until the pain is radiating at the center of my palms. teach me on how to swallow the brightest sun. where everything shone so much and everything was burning. everyone should have known we were of a different galaxy. fused together in the art of the making. and that a thousand and something miles. and a few missed calls. would have never ripped you out of me. you are my home. you always will be. 

[cosmoswrld]

in this world everything is made up from the imagination and i am here wallowing in self regret spindling by the hour at what should have been. everything is spitting regret and. there wasnt really ever a notion i had sworn my life by. i am trying to cover up everything so hastily. burning the house at the core and throwing more gasoline at the ruined photos and. smashing the dinner plates on the floor and. leaving the faucet at the highest setting so that perhaps it will wash all of this away. i had hoped. and i had believed that perhaps. this would have been a little easier. to fade away the scent of the nicotine that is clinging onto your shirt. and the way that your voice would grow dark when i was moaning into the phone. it was 6 years due time and here i am with my whole body, flesh and soul reaped at the brightest and laid against the scorching sun. i hope that maybe it will burn you out of me. and that i wont sit here imagining as to why fate had brought us so close again just to rip you away from me. why at the thought of you your messages would pop up after weeks and. i suppose even you knew then. that nothing was ordinary and we were of some other. something that couldnt be explained.

[cosmoswrld]

we have edged it to the brink

satiated and overbrimming spilling onto the floor in a messy puddle

five months and we are entering the warmest waters

a pure state of tranquility, condensing the former past at the bottom sitting like rocks

it hasnt a minute or an hour and perhaps even a day

that the thread spinning has spun so much i am remembering the tastes and the smells and the feels

and perhaps it was the inclination that this was supposed to serve as a better understanding of the world when i was sixteen and barely alive

but no sense as to the repeatedness, as if even walking away has led me to the very same circle i have started from

in several years, or brisk months you are appearing everywhere, in every moment

living through every part of the senses

that it seems like the best thing now is to just miss you and pretend like you arent here anymore

{cold waters are turning warm}

[cosmoswrld]

and today it hit me like a truck, that maybe i wasnt so special to you anymore

and we were walking in the park and the only thing i could think about was the day that we spent, feeding stale bread to the birds and taking photos under the warm sun on the highest rock that wednesday afternoon

and i supposed that this is how things will end

i didnt say much

perhaps that was due to the numbness of it all

and besides my hands were always freezing

and i couldnt help

but swallow my own vomit when i realized that you were the one helping me down the rocks

and id be jumping into your arms

and things arent the same anymore

id argue that its egotistical really- to state that the way that youre burning through life,

doing drugs, 

getting wasted,

is all because of me, because of this

if you ever find this, i wish i could tell you sorry a million times over

from being best friends, to lovers, to strangers

i would have went back to hell for you to save you from the impending doom thats clouding over your head

but its not my place anymore

and i think it broke my heart in five million different ways today

realizing that i couldnt hold your hand, and hug you 

like we used to

[i think ill be okay but this wasnt what i had ever expected, this isnt you]

[cosmoswrld]

and here we are again. tormented by the mind. and the wretchedness of the world. at last, we are soaking in the pleasure. and the pain combined. of hearing your voice. passing through the delicate fibers of roughly two thousand miles and ten hours away. and i suppose. contradictory to previous experiences. we had both promised that this wouldnt happen again. but three months later. past three years of blood curdling screams. i am sitting in your open arms. falling. fathomless. with my heart in your hands. and having you wrapped around the tip of my smallest finger. i was never a strong believer in fate. or the notion of things coming back if they were meant for you. i mean what sense does it make. to question the boundaries of feelings with the indication of a vow binded by the sensation of this is what love must feel like at twenty five. and even then. with the rings slipping into one another. i was there. in the bed. as you took her away. orgasm after orgasm. in your morning hair. intertwined in each fiber. as you tried to brush it away. in your hour drive to work. hiding in the storage rooms desperate for a ten minute talk. is this what fate must feel like. to have someone ravish your own existence. throwing everything across the whole fucking line for something that you arent even sure about. but youre willing to do it anyways. i dont know what to do anymore. when someone feels like home. where do you go from there. 

and so we are here again. trying to rip apart so drastically what fate has built. you would think. that after all we have endured. and the recognition that we were beyond anything anyone had ever comprehended.  that you would have built your own happiness. said to fuck everything. and had me run into your arms. and kept me right there. on the warmth of your lap. slowly grinding you into a heated erection. and resting my head so innocently on your shoulder. as your breath quickened. and you shuffled. deciding whether to simply fuck me right there or putting me to the side. the play between fate and desire. planting gentle kisses on my neck. each one increasing with intensity. rolling my hips harder. eager to show you. with my body. how badly i have ached for this moment. to have you throw me. ripping my clothes off. and taking me as all yours. claiming me one by one. through the moans that are passing through my throat and into the open. and the thrusts that are half ripping me apart. half shooting pleasure through my system at an unprecedented rate. of seven inches and a body too small to handle much. i would have done it all for you. anything for you.

[creatures]

[quietvoiced]