sketchass arachnofondler

Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA and you ain't got a fucking clue what you're doing with your life.

[arachnidsglare]

==> Vriska: Make your way downtown.

[arachnidsglare]

Whoever this trespasser is, they’re clearly not human. That’s fine, though. You’re not human either and you’d almost consider going easy on one for not knowing. But he growls and if he can make noises like that, you’d bet money he knows he isn’t supposed to be here. There isn’t going to be any sympathy from you, and judging by your mate’s deranged laughter, there won’t be any from him either.

You snarl again and bare your fangs, making direct eye contact with the freakish freeloader because you are absolutely issuing a challenge. This is your territory and he is not supposed to be here. He’s cut down trees, he’s probably been hunting, he’s been in your house and near your dogs, and that is disgusting and unacceptable.

Talking is for nerds and losers and you’re a troll of action. You skip pulling out a blade of your own for now, instead choosing to rely on venom and claws. If you can take down cholerbears, you can take down whatever this fucker is. You chitter to your mate to clarify that yes, this thing is going to be a dead thing if you’ve anything to say about it, and use your good side to push yourself into a lunge, aiming to bite wherever you can.

[coulrophrenia]

The alpha gave her orders.  There's not going to be any talking with the intruder.  That works out just fine for you.  You're not the talking kind of guy.  It's always been attack now talk later with you, if whatever it is you're attacking survives long enough to talk at all.

The guy intruding on your territory is now very clearly not human, with the growl he gives off and the way he sprouts hair.  Not that it matters.  He's dead either way.  There's two of you and one of him and even with his freaky supernatural ability to grow fur, it's not going to protect him from you ripping his throat out if all he's got is a sword he's not going to draw.

With Vriska lunging from one side, you try to sidestep around him and his blade to get at him with your club.  You swing laughing at his side, knowing that a few doses of Vriska's venom along with some broken ribs will make quick work of whatever he is.

[arachnidsglare]

==> Vriska: Make your way downtown.

[arachnidsglare]

You are perfectly content to ignore your knee problems so long as he is. You don’t want to talk about them and if you do not talk about them, they don’t exist. It hurts to be travelling so much by foot, but you are hardly some weaky weakling. A little walking ain’t no thang for Vriska motherfucking Serket.

But as you enter your territory, a little walking becomes the least of your problems. There is a scent here, mingling with Obbie’s as if it’s been walking him. That isn’t right. Oberon and Woofbeast were to be safe in the hive and yard with food and plenty of water while you were gone. It smells like someone has moved in while you were away instead. Some bitch is trying to steal your territory. Some bitch is trying to steal your dog. That’s just unacceptable.

Dark orange dominates your scleras in seconds and the swelling rage in your chest forces out a loud snarl. You’ll destroy them. You chatter for your hunting dog because if there’s one thing Obbie’s has been, it’s loyal. A little meat won’t keep the big lug from your side and you can use him to relay messages to your moirail. You crouch lower on your haunches and sniff as you stalk, tracking the scent closer and closer to your hive.

"Ready to kill something that fights back?" Because really, you’re going to need your mate as backup. You don’t stand a chance on your own.

[coulrophrenia]

You don't catch the scent until after your mate does, but when you do, you laugh.  It smells vaguely human, but not the sick kind you've been fighting the past month.  There's only the one.  One human stupid enough to think that they can just waltz on into your territory and claim it for their own.

What a fucking idiot.

You stalk after the scent in silence, save for the ocassional giggle that bubbles to the surface.  You can't help it.  Killing things makes you giddy.  You can feel your blood pounding through your veins just from the thought of ripping this intruder's guts out.  You've got a club at the ready to break skulls and bones and your teeth to rip flesh.  Your mate has her venom and her blade and claws.  There's no way this human's surviving.

As the hive comes into view, your giggles turn to laughter.  You can see the human, a big fucker with a blade of his own, burning bodies.  Your laughter turns to a howl of rage and you charge out of the woods on all fours, ready to smash into him and rip his fucking throat out for daring to move in on your turf.

[arachnidsglare]

==> Vriska: Make your way downtown.

Walking fast, faces pass, and you’re home bound.

Really, though, it’s about time you were hive. The dogs are there alone and your territory needs redefined. There has yet to be a challenge to it, asshole interlopers in Syracuse aside (who you hope have maybe been eaten a little), but that doesn’t mean you’re ready to just let it go unmarked. You’re getting antsy and you think it’s passing onto Gamzee a little as well, if his behaviour is any indication.

You pack up the last of your things and toss the filled backpack in your sylladex so it only takes up one card, then collect your cane and push yourself to your paws. You chatter at your packmates to get them moving, too, because it’s time to go, damn it. There’s only so much wandering you can do.

[coulrophrenia]

It might not be your hive you're going back to, but it's still your territory.  Anything that belongs to the pack belongs to you.  That includes the hive by the coast filled with all the stinky animals that you've hardly ever been allowed in.  That's going to change, though.  With the old hag pirate off adventuring and her moirail more comfortable with you, Vriska's going to allow you over more.  And that's exciting.  You're ready to be hive.

With everything all packed up and her rail riding ahead to scout things out (you're pretty sure he's just going to the coast to see if his mate's anywhere in the vicinity), it's just you and Vriska.  You stick close to her the entire trip.  You're never going to say anything about it because it's not your place, but she has no business walking around on her knee the way it is.  You'd carry her if you know it wouldn't hurt her pride, so instead, you're left watching her like a hawk.

You meet up with her moirail a few times along the way and help him dispatch a few groups of the undead, but the smelly shits aren't anywhere near as numerous as they were a few weeks ago.  It's pretty much easy sailing.  You're at the edge of Vriska's territory by late evening without even breaking a sweat.

[arachnidsglare]

> You stand in front of the mirror and kind of nod slowly. Yes. This one is nice. You smooth the front and try to picture your moirail’s reaction. Tears, probably, but good ones, and that sounds okay. You think you’ll take this one and maybe try to get a little more fat on your hips so you can fill it out just a smidge better.

I think this one.

I also think we should do something a8out how white everything in here is. It’s 8oring, don’t you think?

> You think the two of you could leave some lively stains, fix the joint up a bit.

[coulrophrenia]

well we should probably be startin with the one i got on then, yeah?

it's pretty fuckin ugly.

> Seriously look at this thing.  It's made of nothing but poof.  Like you're wearing a cloud.  You will have no problem making a mess of this dress, along with everything else in the store.  Except for the one she has on.  That one's going to get captcha'd so it stays safe.

[arachnidsglare]

This one is easier to move in.

> Hmmm. To show leg or not to show leg. You kind of like this one. It’s a definite maybe. You think you’ll try one more and if that one doesn’t work, you’ll take this one. You shimmy out of the short dress and pick up the last one you like, strapless, long, flows, and beaded in a vaguely spider webbish way that probably wasn’t intentional but you like it.

[coulrophrenia]

> You shift your ridiculously massive skirt out of the way so you can help her get the last one up over her horns without catching any of the lace.  You like this one a lot.  It's nice and spidery.  You zip her up in it and shuffle back so you can look.

thinkin i'm likin this the best.

but if you ain't wanting none of these, we can be looking elsewheres.

[arachnidsglare]

> Oh god. Oh lord. Oh sweet baby jesus tucked away in a manger somewhere, this is hilarious. He’s adorable and floofy and you’re going to break a rib laughing at it. You have to stop trying to get a short lacy gown on and laugh in your undies.

I don’t know, I think you’ve out-8rided me.

> He gets a lingering kiss for being so sweet and silly. These are the benefits of dating a clown. They do funny things when you feel crummy.

[coulrophrenia]

> Success!  You have made the mate laugh.  You grin at her and struggle over in all your puffiness to help her get her much simpler dress on.  You think this one's cute, but you don't know how well she'll like it.

ain't quite as fancy as mine, but still suitin you great.

[arachnidsglare]

8luh.

> That sums up your feelings on fancy dresses. Granted, you’ve been frequently killing zombies in cute sundresses, but that’s because those are comfy and don’t have things like layers and lace and boning. Really, was bonding in the torso-y area necessary?

Shall we 8oth try something else?

[coulrophrenia]

> Okay.  You will definitely try on something else.  You help her out of the dress she has on first, tossing it in a pile of no.  Then you get undressed.  And struggle into a poofy ball gown that you found in your size.  You feel ridiculous but that's the point.  You're a ridiculous pretty clown princess.

think you gonna be able to top this?

> You even do a little twirl for her.  Shit's pretty empty in the boob region and you have to hold it up with one hand, but hey, it's staying on.

[arachnidsglare]

> You let your shoulders slump and lean back against him. He’s right, of course, you’re just worried you’ll mess up or something. Following a foreign set of customs is hard and you want to do it right because you want everyone, humans included, to know and understand how much you love your rail.

I know. It’s just a 8it scary.

[coulrophrenia]

> She gets a kiss to instill some bravery in her.  She can't be scared of putting on dresses, that's silly.  She's been killing zombies all month.

babe, you ain't got nothing to be scared of.  you'll find what all you're lookin for before you know it.

you want me be helping you get this one off if you ain't liking it?

i could try one on if you're wantin a laugh.

[arachnidsglare]

> You go find a mirror and try to decide if you like it. You’re pretty sure it’d look better if you had boobs or were less bony. Ugh. You’re getting nervous and this isn’t a time to even be nervous.

I think I’ll try a short one, too.

[coulrophrenia]

> You can tell she's getting nervous.  Nervous is no good.  You chitter to her and stand behind her so you can rub her cheek against hers.  Scent marks for cuties.

babe, you know he ain't gonna care what you wear.

your rail'd be fuckin happy with you even if you showed up what dressed in rags.

[arachnidsglare]

> Alright, help is probably a good thing. You accept the help because it means there will be no unfortunate ripping incidents. While he zips, you hold your hair out of the way, and when he's done, you turn around to show him.

Is it okay?

[coulrophrenia]

yeah, you looking great.

> It fits her well enough that she could probably get by without alterations and the lace suits her nicely.

up to you if you're liking it or not.

[arachnidsglare]

> The lace ones are nice. The intricate thread work reminds you of spider webs and you like that a lot. You pick up one with some beading to boot for closer examination.

I like the lacy ones and the flowy ones. Should I start trying stuff on?

> You should start trying stuff on. There's no one in here but you two, so nothing is stopping you from just stripping down and working on getting dresses on. Dresses are hard.

[coulrophrenia]

hang on a sec or two there.

> She's gonna get all tangled up in them at this rate.  Dresses like this are a two person job, especially if lace is going to survive a trip over horns without getting ripped.  You carefully bundle up the dress for her and help her pull it on over her head, zipping it up in the back for her once she's in it.

turn yourself round and let a fucker see.

[arachnidsglare]

Uuuuuuuuh.

> You pick out a few with particularly poofy skirts and set those aside as a no pile. Super poofy skirts seem hard to walk in. So do mermaid skirts so those also get set aside.

Anything I can walk in? Nothing a cane would get tangled in, though I’m aiming to not use it during the wedding.

[coulrophrenia]

> You help her pick through the pile, throwing out the dresses that look too bulky or constricting.  There's several nice lace numbers that make the cut, along with some nice flowing ones and some shorter ones.  You have no idea what the styles are called, but they look nice.

anything strikin your fancy?

[arachnidsglare]

> You follow suit picking out the size 4s. You can figure out styles and shit later. For now, you'll narrow it down based on size.

I'd think so. If not, you're still an 8/8.

> Cheesy shit time.

[coulrophrenia]

> Aw shit what a load of cheese.  You roll your eyes and trill.  She's dumb but she's cute.  You pick out a couple of 8s from the rack and throw them in a separate pile for later.  The 4s are getting harder to find.

aight, you wanna be picking through seeing bout styles now?

[arachnidsglare]

> Aw, he's so nice now that you've stopped trying to hurt each other. You trill your thanks and tweak his butt on your way in, a much less polite thank you. But he'll get his pailing later, you're convinced.

> You get a look at the rows and rows of white dresses and immediately get a little overwhelmed. How the hell do you choose?

I think I'm a size 4?

[coulrophrenia]

> Alright if she's a size four, then you're just going to go through all the dresses and start throwing the size fours in a pile.  There's no use in her looking at dresses that aren't going to fit.  At the same time, you're scouting out dresses in larger sizes.  Something you can squeeze your ass into for a laugh.

think i can be fittin in an 8?

[arachnidsglare]

You're sweet.

> He'd get more cheek smooches but now is not the time. You've got to find a store first. You wander along the wrecked street and spot one with fluffy white dresses in the window. That's probably it. You make a beeline for it and find that the door is locked. The window you break fixes that problem.

After you.

[coulrophrenia]

> Well isn't she just a perfect little gentletroll?  You give her a thank you smooch for being so polite and then you crawl through the broken window.  You motion for her to wait, then do a quick scan of the shop for any lingering undead.  Fortunately, it's empty.  They're starting to get scarce.

> You go back to the front and unlock the door for her so she doesn't have to crawl through a mile of broken glass with her soft paws and a bad knee.  You're a good mate.

[arachnidsglare]

> You're going with your old cane instead of the one Dandy decorated just in case you need to 8r8k skulls. Then it's right in out the door and in the direction of town. Got some lootin to do.

Nope 8ut I know weddings and dresses are 8ig deals to humans so there's 8ound to 8e a few downtown.

[coulrophrenia]

man weddings is weird as shit.

ain't gonna objecting to seeing you in frills none though.

> You are also going to wear dresses.  Pretty dresses, ugly dresses.  You are going to dress up and look ridiculous.  Exciting.

[arachnidsglare]

You're the 8est.

> You kiss him on the cheek and get your ass up so you can go shop for dresses. This should be fun. Gamzee's opinion will be helpful, maybe, and company will be nice.

Let's go. We can 8r8k more stuff, too.

[coulrophrenia]

fuck yeah i is.

> You've always been the best.  Actually not but it's nice to pretend you are sometimes.  But hey dress shopping time!  You take a couple of clubs out of your strife deck in case you run into some trouble along the way and stand next to her.  You are ready to go.

know a place sellin the shit you need?