Daily Check-In

[mallioussly]

I need suggestions for somewhere to get cute clothing but for cheap prices…Any help?

[charismatical]

I found a ton of great choices online, with free shipping too! Clothing was really affordable, yet not cheap quality either. Shipping took only 10 days to arrive :3 ONE  TWO | THREE  FOUR | FIVE  SIX

[discouraqes]

WOW! I really like the fry shirt, it so punny!

[covertedly]

BLESS YOUR SOUL! I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS TOO

[covertedly]

December 10, 2015

I am not sure if I even want to write about this or not, seeing as I am unsure of whether I am going to continue therapy or not after what happened today, but I figured it would be a good idea to just write about it now since in case after a week I do feel that I should continue, I feel that I would get the best recollection and evaluation of the situation today as today is the day it happened. Today we began with a discussion of my reluctance to follow my treatment plans for my health conditions, as I disagree with the treatment assigned to me and I will be seeing my doctor tomorrow to try and rectify it. I spoke about that yesterday so I will not repeat all of that. My therapist seemed concerned with my refusal to inject myself as it showed a resistance to making myself well, which isn’t the case. We then spent the rest of my session analyzing WHY I was resisting, wait did I say analyzing, I mean judging, excuse me. Let me explain.

I do not know where to begin so I will just start rambling I guess. As I said, my therapist was unhappy to hear that I didn’t want to follow my doctor’s orders. Which I can see, but her thoughts behind why I did it were completely off and kind of fell along the lines of the same reason that I am changing endocrinologists, which is that I am not being listened to. I do not want to take this medication, because the thought of injecting myself or the thought of needles in general terrify me. That and the risks and side effects of this medication sound far worse than what I am experiencing currently on my medication I am taking now.  And even though I expressed my concern regarding this option, I was told that I had to. After speaking to others, I found out there were alternative routes I could take and I really want to seek a second opinion. So, I really do not see what the big deal is about wanting to see another doctor who could possibly help me and how that is me refusing to help myself. My failure to change my lifestyle however, IS my doing. It is quite complicated. It stems from me feeling that this diagnosis is unfair, that it is completely out of my control nor my fault and I do not like that I have to change everything. And there is also this feeling that I am doing this alone. I have no one around to help me if I am not sitting in a doctor’s office 24/7 so it seems. My family is very passive about wanting to support me, they are just concerned with themselves. Even having discussions with my mother regarding the need for my home environment to become a bit more supportive in terms of food choices or the down talk or just being more encouraging in general, falls through because no one else really needs to make this change but me. Yes, despite what may have come out in therapy, conversations have been done with my mother, but it is a classic situation that saying it and doing it are two different things. It is discouraging when you ask for the support and no one supports. I mentioned in therapy how in the end you can only rely on yourself and it seems that way when no one is there to help even when you do ask. It isn’t that I don’t want the help and would rather do it by myself, because that is obviously going so well right? It is that throughout my entire life people have let me down in so many ways that it is easier for me to not ask and just do it myself than it is to be let down over and over and over again. However I am lacking the motivation being just reliant on myself because it is easy to just do what is easy and that is to just do nothing, and coupled with my feeling that I shouldn’t have to do any of this because this diagnosis isn’t my fault just makes that lack of motivation even worse. I believe I mentioned that I do this out of pride in my session (I sort of zoned out for the latter half of this session to avoid going off, which is why I “believe” this is what I said) but I do not think that was the correct term. It wasn’t pride, it is fear. 

While I can see that it was probably hard to understand this with the small amount of information I did share towards the end, the reason my responses got a lot shorter was just the way the session was being conducted. Number one, and this is something that has bothered me about these sessions for a while is how vague and confusing the questions asked are. It is hard to answer a question when it is not certain what is even being asked. And how it seems that every answer that I give is wrong, or that I am hiding something because I answer with “I don’t know” News Flash, the reason I do not know is because this isn’t shit I sit around thinking about constantly and will have every answer to. I thought part of therapy was helping me to identify shit like that, not be judged or told that I must be hiding something if I don’t know the answer to some cookie cutter, generic, textbook therapy question. My answering that I do not know the reason for something is true, I don’t fucking know. It isn’t that I am trying to be deceptive or deceitful with my responses because me coming to these sessions should show that I want to help myself in a positive way so why would I do that? That wouldn’t help a damn thing. But constantly being told that I am hiding shit or that I am bullshitting someone about something just because I say that I do not know the answer to something because you ask condescending, confusing questions isn’t my idea of therapy. I do not come to these sessions to be talked down to, to have a talk where we just rag on me or put me down,  nor do I come to be challenged with fake thoughts of deception like we are in 5th grade because I was misjudged on my responses to confusing questions. And I decided not to engage in such shenanigans so I decided it was best to not say anything at all. Because no matter what I said it would be wrong, or twisted in a way to make it seem wrong. The likelihood of things coming out that contradict each other is high when the topic of conversation is something that isn’t entirely understood to begin with. The fact that my logic seemed “warped” wasn’t intentional or correct. But I supposed that is my fault too. Right. 

[covertedly]

December 9th, 2015

I have honestly forgotten to do this, oops. Well, today I feel a bit unsure and indifferent. I went to the doctor on Friday, and was told that I need to take another medication, and this medication is one that I have to inject myself with, it isn’t insulin but I am still terrified to do it. I do not like needles and the idea of having to inject myself literally brings me to tears and makes me shake. The reason being is because increasing my metformin dosage hasn’t settled well with my stomach and has caused many gastrointestinal issues. To be honest I’d rather deal with that then inject myself. So I haven’t done the new medication at all yet, and I haven’t lowered the dosage of the metformin yet either. I go see my PCP on friday and I want to ask if I can get a new referral to a new endocrinologist for a second opinion and to discuss other options aside from the injectables. I know there are pills that are equivalent to the injectables that I can take and I’d rather start there even if they may not be AS effective as the injectables. Hopefully, I can change my endocrinologist no problem, but if not, I may also have to change my PCP. HMOs suck ass I swear. 

[covertedly]

December 4th, 2015

Today I feel stressed. Even though I am not working or very productive in that way, I feel like I have so much going on otherwise. I feel like the stress I lose is replaced by new stresses. This could also be because it is the holiday season and that is always stressful. I have loads to do with that: Cards to be handmade, shipped, I have to buy gifts, go to parties, just… a lot. Not to mention I stress about the lingering feeling of holiday blues I am quite positive will creep up with the passing of my father in the beginning of the year. While this isn’t the first holiday that I haven’t spent with him because I have done enough of that willingly the last 6 years, it is the first holiday season where that even isn’t an option. Some days it feels like my father is still alive because I never spoke to him really so my life is pretty much the same. But then sometimes it comes up, like my brother will get upset and my mom will tell me about it, or something else would trigger the reminder, and it hits me like a ton of bricks, and the guilt, and the shame also hit me like a tidal wave and I feel like I am gasping for air. I feel like I am keeping myself busy with other things to avoid thinking about it, like a coping mechanism but a terrible one because I am running from it in a way.