goodness strikes

and it all comes down to you, well, you know that it does well; lightning strikes maybe once, maybe twice- oh and it lights up the night. 

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alicia didn’t regret her decision, sure, but she almost started to feel like she regretted wanting what she did. she wished she didn’t get into her dream school & that things could turn out the way she wanted. simply to stay with kat. the moment those thoughts went through her mind, it was just confirmation that she was doing the right thing, even if she was seconds away from taking it all back. for the first time in their conversation, she let go completely of the tears she had been holding in, now breathing heavy to try to keep herself calm. “yeah, you’re right.” she managed to get out softly, her free hand wiping one side of her face. “i’m so sorry.” ali brought herself closer one more time, placing her hand on kat’s face. “i wish i was okay without having that life, but it’s all i’ve wanted. even before us. i know you know that but.. i just wish i wasn’t so stubborn i guess.” she laughed a little, but mostly out of being uncomfortable. a small part of her almost wished she didn’t love kat so much, that would make things easier, but it was far too late for that to change. she slowly closed the space between them before leaning up to kiss kat. she knew she probably shouldn’t, that it would just hurt both of them more, but in her head, she needed to do it one more time. she felt more tears fall as their lips touched, but she didn’t care anymore. she was doing it to herself anyway. she pulled away just slightly, resting her forehead on kat’s. “i’m so sorry.” 

katrina wet her lips with her tongue, “don’t apologize to me for wanting to follow your dreams. i’m stuck here. for now, at least. and... i couldn’t live with myself if i stopped you from what you deserve.” it just sucked because, at least right now, alicia was her dream. she took in another shaky breath, setting her hand on top of ali’s, “i love you. so, so much, ali. and maybe... maybe someday,” she blinked, more tears escaping her eyes, falling onto their hands on her cheek- it was almost poetic, “it’ll be right, ya know? maybe someday we’ll both be in a place where we can have each other and you can have your career and all the success i know you’ll achieve.” she held her tight as ali leaned in to kiss her, not quite sure of whose tears were whose as they fell, “don’t be.” she whispered against her mouth, shaking her head a little, “watching you do what you love will be enough.” it had to be, “don’t let anything stop you. please, please, please.” she hugged her tightly, “i’ll always love you. know that. i will. i know i will.” 

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“i don’t know.” she could feel her heart drop as she heard kat talk. she thought she had prepared herself enough & she was going to be okay getting it over with, but just like going to college, actually doing it made it too real. “i just know that i don’t want to lose you completely.” it hurt too much to imagine not having kat in her life, but if it was what she needed, she’d suck it up the best she could. “we don’t have to pretend everything is normal. it’s just.. i thought that maybe we could.. i don’t know.” ali sighed again, looked down at the space between them. she almost regretted doing it so soon, but breaking things off & then disappearing to school felt cold. “i thought that maybe dealing with this together would maybe make it easier? i guess i’m just being selfish. i don’t have anyone else to go to. i don’t want to sit around in self-pity until my move-in day, i’d rather spend the time i can with you.” she looked back up at kat as she spoke. it wasn’t the response she expected but she didn’t exactly know what to expect anyway. it’s not like she was used to breakups. “but i get it if you don’t want the same.” 

“and i don’t wanna lose you either, alicia- i never wanted to- but i know i won’t be able to act the same until you move.” katrina wanted nothing more than to be able to spend the next few months with ali, but not this way. she knew she wouldn’t be able to do it. she wished they could rewind the last hour and they could just go to bed. she wished she could pull ali into her arms and beg her to keep her along for the ride, but she knew she couldn’t do that either. kat didn't want to get in the way of ali’s dreams- she couldn’t live with herself if she ruined that for her, “we can’t do it together. i think it’ll make it harder. it might... if you change your mind, it might turn out differently- your future, i mean.” after the initial shock and hurt (though the hurt was very much still there), katrina could see the logic. and she would not be responsible for holding alicia back, not when she was as talented as she was. not when she deserved the future she dreamed of, “believe me, i want the same. i want to see you every minute of everyday, but we can’t. because if you need to leave our relationship here so that you can do your best there? i don’t there to be even a chance to ruin that.” she squeezed her hand gently, “and seeing you everyday and knowing that you were going to leave me? that would be too hard too.” she swallowed, gazing at the other miserably, “it would break my heart every time i saw you.” harsh? maybe. but she was pretty sure it was true. 

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“i’m not pushing you away. i just don’t think a relationship is going to be possible with the way my life is about to change. i-i still want you in my life, kat.” alicia took another step towards her, reaching for one of her hands. “i’m not leaving you behind, i just don’t think now is the right time. i know you said you don’t want empty promises but this doesn’t have to be a forever decision. we’re young & we’re both going to have so much happening this year. you can’t tell me that we wouldn’t be fighting or that we would be happy if i was constantly bailing on you because other things would have been more important.” she sighed, giving in to letting another tear or two fall as she continued on. the problem also was that she wasn’t sure if she would have the will power to say no to kat. she didn’t know if she could tell herself that studying or learning lines was more important – she almost didn’t believe they were. “what happens in the scenario where we try & it doesn’t work out? now i’m dealing with a break up with the only person i’ve ever loved while trying to figure out my first year of college.” truth is, she did want to try but the pep talk she gave herself beforehand was mostly to make sure she didn’t fall into changing her mind or giving them a trial run. “i was going to say that we can still stay how we are until i move into the dorms. i don’t want that to make things more difficult when the time comes, but i want to spend as much time with you as possible. if you’ll let me.”

“how? how do you expect for us to go from what we’ve always been to not that?” katrina asked, truly curious how alicia thought they could ever be less than what they’d been the last few years, “i can’t be in your life and not be with you like that- at least not now.” down the line? she didn’t know. but in the moment, she couldn’t imagine being ‘friends’ with ali. there wasn’t any part of her that thought that would be a smart idea. she let the other grab her hand, the length of her arm between them. it took everything in her not to reach over and wipe the tears from her cheeks. instead she used her free hand to try to wipe away her own, “but what if it did work out?” she murmured. she thought with everything in her that she was supposed to be with ali, that they were meant for one another, but she knew that ali was partly right. a breakup down the line would gut her just as much as one was now- and she’d rather it be easier for ali and now than harder for ali down the line. as she continued though, katrina furrowed her brow, shaking her head a little, “i don’t- ali, i can’t do this with an expiration date. i love you more than anything. but i can’t pretend like everything’s normal until august and then have this pain all over again. i fucking can’t.” of course, she wanted to be able to spend time with her, to act like they always had been, to stay the night with her instead of going home sad and alone, but the thought of alicia being ripped away- knowing that she was going to leave- she didn’t think she could handle it, “i can’t.” kat whispered, eyes pleading with ali, “if it’s over then it’s over now.” the words sounded foreign coming from her lips, but she truly couldn’t imagine it functioning any other way. 

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alicia wanted to stop kat from leaving but she knew that the quicker this went, the better. she shook her head as the other spoke, feeling herself getting angrier as she went on. “i do want you.” she snapped, her voice sterner than even she expected. “just because i’m trying to save both of us from a dragged out shit show doesn’t mean that i don’t want you. this is killing me. i know i won’t ever find someone who i want as much as i want you, but my career has always come first. you’re right about one thing, i don’t want to be here anymore or associated with my family anymore & if this is the path i have to take to get there, you’re damn right i’m going to take it.” even though she was very aware that she was the reason that things were ending, & that kat was allowed to be upset with her, she couldn’t hold in everything. she couldn’t let kat walk out her door thinking that she did it for any reason other than making a decision for her future. “i don’t know.” she shrugged, stepping closer again, her tone a lot softer. “i guess i knew that if i got in i was going to. i went back & forth on it a lot, playing out every possible scenario. the one where we see each other on the weekends, live together the moment we’re able to afford it, both be successful in what we want to do, maybe get married one day if we were able.. i’d love to say that’s the one that makes sense. say that that’s the one that is the highest percentage of happening, but, it’s not. i don’t want to give you or i false hope that we could do all of that just for it to fall through.” 

“well, i think you can see why i would think otherwise.” katrina replied, sniffling, “when you’re pushing me away like this.” her hands dropped to her sides, defeated, “all i have ever wanted is for you to follow your dreams... i just... i wanted to stand next to you while you did. i- i wanted to be part of your new life, not left in your old one.” she didn’t step away this time that alicia stepped closer, her anger was dissipating into a deep sadness and the reality of what this meant. this was the start of a big shift in her life and she felt like she was free-falling. ali had been part of every major moment of her life since entering high school and now? now she wouldn’t be a part of any of the memories moving forward. it hit her like a punch in the stomach. her eyes flicked over the other as if trying to commit every inch of her to memory, as if this moment was it, as if this was all she had. kat kind of wanted to just disappear, maybe go to bed and pretend nothing had happened. but she couldn't. and she knew it. and it hurt, “you don’t even want to try?” her voice was barely a whisper, her eyes impossibly desperate, but she didn’t even care, “i love you and i... i don’t- i don’t know how to do this without you. everything i’ve planned... in my head, you’ve been there for all of that. and now you’re not gonna be. what the fuck.” she looked up at the ceiling, letting out a long, deep breath before looking back at alicia, “i just don’t know. i don’t know what my life looks like without you. i never wanted to find out.” she murmured. 

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alicia stood in front of kat, working her hardest not to reach out to her or take a step closer. the fuck you made her heart sink – it was the first time she questioned her decision but it was too late to go back. she took a deep breath, waiting until kat finished before she even thought about speaking. “i deserve all of that. i should have given you a bit more of a warning, sure.” she nodded, a tear finally falling that she quickly wiped away. “they’re not empty promises & i do not pity you. i can’t see myself with anyone else & i’ve never been more scared of anything in my life. just because i’m doing this it doesn’t change who i am or what we’ve been through together. i can’t go into this new chapter of my life feeling like i’m leaving you behind, & i can’t feel guilty every time i’m going to pick studying or rehearsal over you.” she felt her voice starting to pick up the volume so she paused to take in a shaky breath, keeping herself as calm as possible. “i’m not just doing this for me. you deserve to be with someone who can give you their full attention & i’m not going to be that anymore. you know i care about you.” a few more tears fell as she spoke & she was wiping them with the bottom of her sleave as quickly as they appeared. “so don’t try to act like i was pretending or like i was conspiring against you. like i said, this isn’t easy for me either.” 

katrina didn’t even know what to say anymore, she grabbed her jacket from where she had laid it on the bed and shrugged it on, dabbing at her eyes with the heels of her hands, “so that’s it? because this might not change who you are, but it changes who you are to me. and i don’t- i don’t fucking know how to do that. how to think differently.” she scoffed, “fuck. and don’t say you’re not leaving me behind. because that’s exactly what you’re doing, alicia. i’m safe, i’m from home, and you don’t want that anymore. you don’t want me anymore. you’re trying to cut away every piece of the old you to make way for the person you want to become. and i don’t fit that image.” seeing ali cry broke her heart (again), but she was glad to see tears as opposed to nothing. any other time she would’ve pulled her into her arms without a second thought, wiping the tears away and telling her how much she loved her. but those days were over, obviously. and all she could do was stand there and listen to the person she loved most tell her what she deserved- as if ali knew what was best for her, “ok, and i believe you, but just answer this question. how long?” she paused, it was maybe a tad dramatic, but she felt as if she reserved that right, “how long have you known you were going to do this?” she asked, swallowing. 

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ali could feel her own tears forming as she watched kat’s reaction, but she quickly shook them off. she hoped that making this the least emotional on her end was the best bet for the other girl’s sake. “i didn’t plan on you.” she spoke to the floor, not feeling brave enough to look at her while she spoke. “i thought i could add you into the pre-existing plan but now that it’s happening & it’s becoming real, i just don’t think it’s the right idea.” she got up from the bed slowly, taking a step towards katrina. “please don’t try to guilt me. i spent a long time thinking about this.. it isn’t easy for me either. you can’t truly believe that i would plan on hurting you.” she felt her throat starting to close as she spoke, knowing what she wanted to say next. “i love you.” alicia wanted to touch kat again, but she already pulled away once. “i don’t want to lose you but i have to do one thing at a time. i know myself & i wouldn’t be able to give you my all if i was at school most of the time, & i wouldn’t be able to give school my all if i was still with you. i don’t want to say this in case it’s not true but once i have things going or i’m adjusted maybe i’ll change my mind, but for right now i think it’s best for both of us if we just..” she trailed off, not able to complete her sentence. “please don’t hate me.” 

katrina took a shaky breath, shaking her head and biting her lower lip to try and calm herself at least a little, she was almost embarrassed by how emotional she was compared to alicia, her ex-girlfriend, who seemed far too stoic for this moment, “the right idea? right. it’s not as if i didn’t know you would graduate and go to college, alicia. i knew that and i have always been ok with the idea of coming second to school.” her heartbreak was manifesting as anger- an emotion she rarely truly felt and even more seldom expressed- and she knew she may regret this reaction later, but she wasn’t processing anything correctly, “fuck you, ali.” she cried, stepping further away as she stepped closer. she wiped at her eyes with the back of her hands roughly, trying to force the tears away (to no avail), “i don’t need your all. i just need you.” her voice had changed to almost scarily quiet, her eyes trained only on the other, “and i don’t want your ‘change my mind’ bullshit either. i don’t want empty promises and i don’t want your pity... i mean, you don’t even look like you care. what am i supposed to do with that? you’re acting like it’s not us you’re talking about.” that’s what maybe hurt the most, that alicia didn’t seem as phased. of course, she was an actress, but katrina didn't want that ali. she wanted the real ali. the ali that was formerly her ali. she looked away finally, closing her eyes for a moment, taking in a few laborious breaths, “it sucks because... i know that i can’t hate you. i really, really wish i could. but i know i can’t.” her voice broke and she looked at alicia again, “i fucking wish i didn’t love you so much so that i could hate you.” 

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ali sighed, ignoring all of kat’s questions. not like they wouldn’t be answered in a moment anyway. “so, i got into tisch. yay me.” it almost sounded sarcastic, but she was purposefully trying to downplay it. “i’m going to be crazy busy when i start. you know me, all my energy is going to be on that. there are performers that went to tisch that were getting broadway roles before they even graduated.” she nodded, trying to sound as logical as possible. “and it’s far. well, far enough. about an hour on the train. we’re not going to be seeing each other every day anymore. i think we’d be lucky if we saw each other once a week. we’re both going to be busy with school and.. i just don’t see this lasting through it. see us lasting through it. i know i would get distracted by you, especially if we broke up while i was there. i can’t risk it.” she stopped there, looking up to see kat’s reaction. “i’m sorry.” 

“ali, that’s amazing!” katrina exclaimed, even though her girlfriend sounded less than enthused. she knew how hard alicia had worked to make it into tisch and she truly deserved it, she was happy for her. but, as the other girl went on, understanding registered on kat’s face. this couldn’t be happening. she felt her stomach flip and she thought she might be sick. she swallowed, hard, and let go of ali’s hand, “are you fuckin’ kidding me, alicia?” alicia, not ali. katrina stood from the bed quickly, looking bewildered, as if she couldn’t truly process that this was actually happening, “you’re breaking up with me?” she blinked and shook her head as if she could wake up from this horrible, horrible nightmare, “what the fuck?” she looked at ali- who, now, almost seemed like a stranger- incredulously, “so everything was bullshit, huh? everything was a fucking lie, right?” she pressed her lips together and looked down for a moment, willing tears not to come, but it was too late. she looked back up, tears falling, “was this your plan all along? make me fall in love with you, talk about a future together, go through real shit together, make me need you, and then dump me because i’m a distraction?!” a sob left her lips without permission, “alicia, what the f-fuck?” 

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alicia laughed, shaking her head at the same time. “no, no.” she kept laughing a little as she quickly kissed etta. “i would not be able to handle a permanently long distant relationship. i think i’d get crazier.” she wrapped her arms around her fiance. “you know i don’t have much control over that.” ali sighed. “but i’m glad i’m home too.” 

“well, i like em crazy, so maybe that’s the answer.” etta joked, sighing in relief at their closeness. she was so proud of ali and everything she did, but it was so hard being away from her so often. it gutted her, “i know. i just wish it was different sometimes.” of course, she would never ask alicia to sacrifice her career for her, to be closer to her, “i’ll take what i can get. if you weren't so hot then i definitely would have dumped you by now.” she grinned, amused at her own joke, “hey,” she murmured, “i love you.” 

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“i know, i know. i just.. got comfortable. i didn’t expect it.” she shrugged a little, looking away from ororo. she wasn’t always one to open up about her feelings without a good reason to, but she always felt comfortable enough to do it with the other woman. “thanks. i don’t think i’ve processed it yet.” she swallowed, feeling a bit of tightness in her chest. “i don’t know. she’s not exactly safe traveling the galaxy with her father.” she rolled her eyes, wiping another tear away. “i guess she’s not exactly safe here either. especially with how busy i am. everyone has been a big help, hopefully people remain patient with me & with her.” 

“that will take time- you know that.” ororo nodded, giving her a soft smile, “and i will be here for anything you may need from me- i promise.” she had always felt a strong bond with kitty and she couldn't imagine letting her go through this alone, “i think i have a bottle of red tucked back in my closet somewhere if you would rather go that route.” she gestured toward her closet with a nod, reaching out to hold one of the other woman’s hands, giving it a soft squeeze, “here is safer than space. and here you have a whole calvary of mutants ready to protect her at a moment’s notice. i can help with her too. if you want.” 

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“okay.” ali sat down next to kat, purposefully not making eye contact with her. she had made the choice long ago but now that she had to do it, it felt like her insides were turning inside out. “i know i told you i have to tell you something, but i need you to listen the whole way through before you say anything in return. okay?” her plan that she had from when she was a child was perfect for a reason – she couldn’t sway or it would never have happened. “even if you want to interrupt me just, please, for my sake, hold it in.” she reached over & grabbed one of kat’s hands in both of hers, still not looking directly at her. 

katrina furrowed her brow, worried eyes on her girlfriend, “baby, what’s going on? is somethin’ wrong? you’re kinda scaring me.” she wanted to pull the other into her arms and help her feel better about whatever was bothering her, but ali’s tone prevented her from doing so, “for your sake?” she was really confused, “ali, please, what’s happening?” she ran her thumb over alicia’s knuckles, lowering her head to try and make her meet her eyes, “look at me. it’s gonna be ok, alright? whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.” ali's demeanor and her insistence that she stay quiet scared the shit out of her- and ali was dramatic, but not like this. kat knew there had to be something really wrong. 

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she shrugged at the question. “fine. long. boring. just like every other flight.” alicia would rather stay in one place & there to be work there, but she had gotten used to constantly being on the move. no matter how stressful it could be. “oh, so you didn’t miss me?” she smiled as one of her free hand made it to etta’s shoulder. “noted. i’ll stay away longer next time.”

“nope, not at all.” etta replied sarcastically, pulling the other woman closer, “that sounds like a good plan. one that works for the both of us.” she nodded, keeping the bit going, “just a lifetime of phone sex and love letters like you’re away at war.” she leaned in closer, kissing her cheek and then her temple, mumbling, “please don’t be gone as long next time.” as if it was a secret, “i’m so glad you’re home, babe.” 

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“see, i really don’t deserve you.” she sat back up to look at katrina, shaking her head. “also, gross.” she rolled her eyes playfully, a little smile starting to form. “you’re really that happy with me? like, i definitely am with you, but..” ali sighed, leaning in to press her lips against her girlfriend’s. she let it last for a moment as she tried to process the words that were just said to her. “i just didn’t know someone would feel that way about me. it was never on the to-do list or in my plan. it’s.. weird for me. in a good way.” 

“you make me gross, what can i say.” katrina laughed, smiling against the other girl’s lips as she held ali tight and kissed back. she tilted her head to the side and furrowed her brow, “alicia, you are an incredibly lovable person. feeling that way about you? it’s easy. having you makes everything else- my mom and all that- worth it. i don’t want you to ever doubt how easy it is to love you.” she paused, leaning in to press a soft kiss to ali’s jaw, “no one should ever make you feel like you’re hard to love. and if they do then they don’t deserve your attention. or your love.” she told her, fingers playing with the ends of her girlfriend’s hair, “and don’t forget it.” her voice was mock stern, a soft grin on her lips. 

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kitty smiled through her still slowly falling tears – she almost had forgotten that she was crying even though it just would not stop. she climbed into the bed, sitting criss-cross and facing her best friend. “i don’t know. it hasn’t been good for a while. he’s.. out there. i’m down here. we both have our own lives & that was supposed to be the good part of it. we could have our room to breathe but still have someone. especially someone who understands. it just.. isn’t working the way we planned.” 

ororo nodded as kitty explained, giving the other woman her full attention- not that she would give kitty anything less, “that sounds like a pretty healthy reason to break up.” she paused, “though, i am sure that’s not what you want to hear about. practicality is boring.” she reached out and placed a hand on her knee, “i am sorry, kitty. this is never easy. you are reacting better than i expected, to be truthful. i know he meant a great deal to you.” she had never really cared for peter quill, but he had made kitty happy and that’s what mattered most to her. she reached up and wiped a tear from kitty’s cheek with her thumb, “and what about the baby?” she already figured kitty wasn’t going to send her daughter to space. 

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she walked further into the room when ororo started speaking, keeping one hand by her face. “i feel really stupid but i just need someone right now.” she worked hard to keep her voice calm as she stood over the bed across from her friend. “spaceboy & i called it quits.” she shook her head as the words came out. “god, it’s so dumb to be this emotional as if there aren’t way more important things in the world, but..” 

“of course. my door is always open for you.” ororo told her. her face warped into a frown as kitty told her what was going on, “oh, kitten, i’m so sorry.” she patted the space beside her, “please sit. it is not dumb. it is a completely understandable sadness.” ororo and t’challa had called it quits not too long ago, so she could understand where her friend was coming from, “what happened? unless you do not want to talk about it. which is fine too. whatever you need from me.” 

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“you’re amazing.” she believed she was just stating a fact & it was the only thing that she could get out. she had more to say – like how she wanted to try to be worthy of everything her girlfriend felt for her, & how she wanted to make her feel the way she did but that would be too hard. it would make her too vulnerable & even though it was katrina, she couldn’t have that. “okay, okay. i was exaggerating, sure. i just mean that i suck a lot & don’t want to chase you away.” ali blushed at the other girl’s words and instead of letting her see it, she moved closer & hid her face in kat’s neck. “why would you want to do that?” she laughed, still not showing her face. “i can pretty much promise i’m just going to get crazier as i age. look at my mother.” 

katrina chuckled quietly and pressed a kiss to her temple as ali hid her face, wrapping her arms around her tightly, “you’re not gonna chase me away. i’m here for all of it. every part of you.” she grinned then, shaking her head, “i mean, your mom is hot, so, at least you’ll be that?” she joked before telling her, “i want that. i want you. no matter how crazy or hard. i don’t think i’d know how to be happy with anyone else.” of course, they were young- and this was her first relationship- but, in that moment, that’s how she felt. 

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alicia hadn’t been sitting on the couch long when she heard the door open. traveling was her least favorite part of the job, & only part of it had to do with the travel days themselves. she jumped up & walked into the kitchen, a small smile on her face when she found etta. “hey.” she said softly, walking towards her. “i could maybe forget about my restrictions for you, especially after being on a plane for 5 hours.” 

etta’s face broke out into a fond smile at the sight of the other woman and she met her halfway, setting a hand on her waist and stealing a quick kiss, “hi.” she murmured, “how was your flight?” she leaned against the counter, leaving only about half a foot of room between her and alicia, “i missed you.” she paused, tilting her head and teasing, “well, i missed fucking you, but close enough, yeah?” she reached for ali’s hand and tangled her fingers with hers. 

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kitty made her way to the end of the hallway she knew all too well, her head down the whole time. not like anyone else would be awake in the mansion, but if they were the last thing she needed was for them to see her with tears in her eyes – especially considering it was over a guy. she knocked lightly on the door before just letting herself in. at least she didn’t phase through it for once. “roro? are you up?” she didn’t really even try to whisper as she wiped her face with the sleeve of her hoodie. 

ororo looked up as kitty entered the room, relieved that it was just her, the tension dropping out of her shoulders, “kitty? what’s wrong?” she asked, setting her book aside and pushing aside her covers to make room for the other woman, “is everything alright?” her brow creased with worry as she took in the clearly emotional person in front of her. she usually tried to go to bed at a more reasonable hour, but the book she’d been reading had been too interesting, “tell me what happened.”