i donāt know how to phrase this, so i guess iāll just say it based on what i think at the top of my head, so itās authenticĀ
this whole week has been so taxing on me...... i donāt know what iām doing anymore. i seriously donāt know the objective of my campaign... people are telling me what to do left and right and itās not that i donāt want to hear their advice, iām just afraid that their advice will outweigh my own opinions... i donāt want to ever be anything thatās not me... iāve been me for so long and for some reason, this election more than ever has stripped that from me.Ā
i donāt have the energy to keep up with the constant distractions and problems that keep arising. it seems that at every corner, thereās always nothing left. i know i shouldnāt give up this easily but itās hard to stay motivated when it seems like nobody wants you to win.Ā
the problem is, my closest friends are all jakeās closest friends as well. heās an incredibly good candidate and he knows when to keep his mouth shut, but sometimes i feel that he doesnāt speak up when he has to. i know he wants this job, but so do i and i know i should feel so bad for saying that about somebody who would die for me but i know that iāve spent so much time and effort on this organization and all itās really led to is frustation. i talk about how this organization has changed my life so often and how it helps me to be a better person but deep down, the past few months have been nothing but resentment towards the organization for me. scratch that, the past few years. i hate that i spend so much of my energy into this organization and now i want to lead it because i think i can really change it but i know my vision isnāt as good as jakeās because heās more calm and collected and smart and kind and he has actual other friends that will vote for him that i donāt have connections to. i quit everything i loved so that i could spend more time into this organization and now i want to quit it. thatās so stupid iām so stupid iām so stupid iām so stupid, iāll say it over and over again until itās drilled into my head.Ā
he wants asb to be a happy family and he knows how to be the bridge between administration and the students but the fact of the matter is, asb sucks right now and nobody is brave enough to say anything but me, shouts out to zeana and mariam and ashley and natalie and caitlyn for teaching me to never fucking stop complaining if you know the student body hates it, but i donāt know why the rest of asb never says anything whenever i make a valid point. people always look the other way when i talk because they donāt want to really agree with me, they want to agree with the advisors so that they are seen better. i canāt believe that this is happening, i have so much self doubt that my self esteem has plummeted beyond any point iāve ever reached. i canāt believe it. itās all just wild to me and i know that i can speak up and i can speak for the people at school but what good does that belief serve when i donāt even have an equal opportunity to campaign. itās incredibly unfair and it shouldnāt have played out this way.Ā
i know the advisors hate me i know they hate me i know they hate me and theyāve probably spoken between themselves that they donāt want me to be president. i didnāt want to believe that they were trying to purposefully pit against me but now there are just so many factors that i canāt help but believe it. there are so many things that are wrong and itās all because this shitty fucking advisor didnāt submit her remarks to me on time and now i donāt know what to do. fuck asb fuck asb iā;m so fucking tired of this shitty organization even though iāve spent hours and hours working towards the better of the campus and iāve gotten no recognition for anything, i never get the same rewards as the other asb members, they get shout outs because their actions are recognized, my actions are not publically shown, i donāt have any of my own events but i help with each and every single one as much as i can, yet this shitty advisorās fucking bias against me has brought me down every single time and iām not recognized. iām not asking to be heralded as a hero or to have my own throne, i just want to be recognized for the hard work that iāve put in every once in a while because i put in so much work that iām almost addicted to the grind, is this not ok? i just want to be accepted for what iāve done, i want an advisor to tell me that theyāre proud of me instead of that theyāre disappointed. i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to be proud of what iāve done, i canāt get it done iām so sorry to all of the people that were supposed to support me. i donāt think i can continue... maybe i am better off solo. maybe i was never meant to be that much of a leader. maybe i donāt really have any worth.. maybe iām not a hero and iām just comic relief. fuck all of these shitty insecurities iām so tired tonight and none of this is helping my health. i give up... i donāt want to publicize myself anymore... i accept the fact that i lost. i give up. i give up. i give up. iām sorry mom and dad iām sorry my brother who even tho he claims he hates me, probably looks up to me, iām sorry close friends who canāt admit that they support me because theyāre close to jake too... iām sorry God for wasting this life that you tried to give into this world because heās a little bit too emotional and a little bit too idiosyncratic, because he thinks a little bit differently so he never gets his english analysis right or his apush synthesis right... sorry for not being as smart as jake or as powerful as brisa... letās be fucking honest brisa would be a terrible asb president, the shit her friends are saying about her being hardworking is making me want to throw up... iā;m sorry iām sorry iām sorry iām so sad right now and i donāt know whatās going to happen..... all of my self doubt comes together... why is that i feel like every single time i walk into the asb room, thereās a red dot on my back and the advisors are fighting over who gets to take the shot...... please help me God.... i canāt do it anymore... iā;m sorry iām so sorry i worked this hard for nothing.Ā
dailybridgerton
izzy806
origamiaround
stormborns
baratheonpilled
dededos
yousharknotpass
