letters to no one

i'll keep writing letters i'll never send

[cpt-uptonogood]

To you

Wala na talaga, no? Oh well, sana maging happy ka in life. Sorry it didn't work out. We tried really hard naman, we did. Time to let you go na rin. Salamat sa lahat.

Ingat ka palagi. I love you lotsa lotsa, always in all ways bebi 🤗

[saracastically]

out of reach 🌕✨ a comic about scrolling on your phone and falling in love collected in full below 💕

fin 🌕

[cpt-uptonogood]

to dad

He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I'm letting him go now. It's the worst kind of pain, Dad.

He makes me happy and sad. I tried to hold on to him during those days. I loved him harder thinking it will make him stay.

I was wrong. And there's not much I can do, di lang talaga siguro ako yung taong yon for him.

I miss you Dad. Please help me heal my heart, idk what to do with it anymore.

[cpt-uptonogood]

to dad

hey dad, it's me. wish you brought me with you so i dont gave to go through this anymore

i miss you always

[cpt-uptonogood]

to dad

Hey Dad.

I wish I could go to you for a hug, and I wish I could hear you tell me that it's going to be okay. I wish I never have to tell you I got my heart broken again, and I'm making another rookie mistake - all because I wanted to be the person who sees the good in people even when they hurt me constantly.

He broke his promises, Dad. He made me cry. He lies to me, and still sees and talks to other people. The pain is beyond me, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone again.

I miss you always, Dad. Help me find my way back.

[cpt-uptonogood]

to all that’s gone

I wake up everyday with that sinking feeling in my gut hoping that you did not sleep with anybody else the night before. Or the night before that.

Hoping you didn’t have this unspoken wish for a life with a different person because our life together no longer made sense.

My nightmares are no longer about ghosts. They’re now about people and lives you would choose over me, over us. I want to trust you again but I don’t know where to start.

[cpt-uptonogood]

to you, because who else would i write about

I’m drowning myself in work so I stop thinking about us. I’m starting to hate the few minutes in between lying awake and falling asleep, I really wish it didn’t have to be this hard.

[cpt-uptonogood]

to the earlier version of us

Thank you for sharing your room with me. Especially the shelfs. I’ll clean the rest over the weekend.

….well, you’re sharing a big part of your life with me by allowing me to stay here. I’m grateful. I’m still getting used to everything. Finding spots where I can stay. I’m still very awkward around people, that’s why I avoid everyone all the time. But I appreciate it when they reach out to me. Lalo na your Papa.

(This is an update I would have shared with you on a normal day but these days, we’re anything but. I miss you a lot. I wish we could go back to what we were)

[cpt-uptonogood]

what am i grateful for this morning

other than escaping my most recent nightmare, just the fact that I woke up today.

[cpt-uptonogood]

to you, again ugh

You called it, “compartmentalizing” which simply meant you get two different versions of me: my work self and my real self. I don’t bring my real self to work, I don’t bring work home (to my real self) too. It’s efficient.

Everytime something came up though; be it your sister coming home all of a sudden, your Mom going on a surprise visit, I switch to my work self. The version of me that is completely detached from everything, process oriented and quick to comprehend. It worked until it didn’t. I remember driving around, thinking if I still knew who I was, what I liked, and if I still wanted to live the way we did. If I wanted to settle down with you. If I see myself growing old with you. I was trying to bring my real self out because because I needed answers; only to realize it’s no longer there. I couldn’t remember if I liked my clothes or if you liked them for me. I don’t know where all my money went. I don’t know if I really liked staying home or if it’s because that’s the only option I had. I don’t know if I really liked reading books or if I enjoyed reading books because there’s nothing else to do in that house. I can’t even open the blinds nor leave the room.

I miss my old self sometimes but at least now I’m free. No more work self or real self, I’m just me.

[cpt-uptonogood]

to something I am grateful for now that in the past caused me pain

Felt like that prompt was ~extra~ Grateful for friendship or any kind of relationship, I guess. I struggled with these a lot in the past because I have abandonment issues. I disappeared on people before they can leave me. I also think this is why one night stands were easy for me. But we’ll save that story for another day.

[cpt-uptonogood]

to whatever was supposed to get my attention

As somebody who struggles to focus, I had to think hard on this prompt. Out of the million things in my brain now, you’ll always be my recurring thought. How we met, how I’ll probably never find someone like you again - no matter how many times I swipe through some silly app. How I can never thank you enough for helping me get through the toughest days, how you never run out of patience when I’m probably the most difficult person to deal with. You caught my attention that night and have not let go of it since

[cpt-uptonogood]

to 2022 version of me

I haven’t had the chance to thank you for making it through all of that. It was a year of second chances — revisiting familiar places where you left pieces of your old self for someone else to discover. Turns out you did all that for your present (well, future then) self too. I’m certain you closed that year the best you could.

It wasn’t easy but you made it here. Thank you for choosing to stay.

[cpt-uptonogood]

to people who send work messages despite the OOO

It’s not me, it’s you. Find better things to do.

[cpt-uptonogood]

to the boy that I will marry one day

I think I wrote about the specific kind of love (that marriages should have) a thousand times before. It was like a checklist based on the separation that I had to survive as a kid.

For example:

- You have to mean what you say.

- Have it in you, to always choose to stay.

- You cannot decide to have kids and then abandon them; expecting they’ll understand what you’re going through.

- Your partner is not the villain in this story, and you’re not a damsel in distress. It’s not a fairytale. You can actually change the ending.

- DO NOT, have kids, if you cannot put them as the top item on your priority list.

- And lastly, marriage does not guarantee anything. It’s just a formality between two adults.

And yet here we are: talking about the future that we will share together. The hypothetical scenarios of kids in our midst, the kind of forever we’ll live in. The constant, would-you-still-want-me-even-if statements that end with, I love you and I always will. Promises that we’ll never leave each other, especially when push comes to shove. What kind of wedding are we having? Who do we invite? What church do you want to celebrate it in? What does marriage mean to you? No, I don’t want anything expensive. I want our wedding to be a celebration of the love we have, and for us to celebrate it with people who are important to us. And you can just imagine all the small details in between. Who would’ve thought that I’ll be having this conversation with anybody.

But hey, when we finally get there, always remember that I no longer believe in the definition of love I had before I met you. There are some things that I cannot describe but I know, have changed, ever since we’ve been together. It’s no longer about the do’s or don’t, because love (in marriage) is far more complex than that. It’s about knowing what love is, and choosing how to express that love everyday.

Like....

It’s the I love you that does not need to be said out loud - but you feel it anyway. It’s the I love you that makes you feel safe, the I love you that makes you smile even when you hate smiling. It’s the I love you that reminds you, you’re finally home. It’s the I love you, that chooses you, and us everyday. No matter what.

basta - I just know that I will love you always, in all ways. I promise. :)

[cpt-uptonogood]

to my invisibility cloak

I’m still haunted by those days when I put my invisibility cloak on and I’m suddenly not in anybody’s line of vision.

That you needed me to have one that I can wear everyday.

a. That night you brought me to your house, secretly of course. I was so excited to see your shelves, full of books that you said you’ll never share with anyone but me. You brought me to your room, for the first time in all those years we were together. We had to leave right away too. I wasn’t supposed to be there, nobody’s supposed to see me. But on our way out, and while panicking, I tripped on your street. Right in front of your sister’s car. So much for hiding! I sprained my ankle, you drove me to the ER. We laughed about it afterwards. “I’m such a klutz,” I said. You agreed.

b. That day when your Mom decided to go to the house we’re living in. A visit that cannot be stopped, a visit that I had to prepare for in less than 10 mins. I was standing behind Steph’s door, your Mom was just in the hallway. I held my breath. I didn’t make a sound. “I’m not supposed to be here. Nobody’s supposed to be here,” I keep repeating to myself. After your Mom left, we let out a huge sigh. You said that was close, and we should be more careful next time.

c. That noon, when Manong and I had to come home and look for the lost condo key. We saw a car outside the gate and I hid in the backseat instantly while Manong panicked too. Turns out it wasn’t your family’s car or anything, I just got so used to hiding thinking that any car is suspicious. I got so used to shrinking myself into a folded version of me, when we pass by the village gates, whenever you have to get something in your house, whenever you get dropped off/picked up in school (the old one, you already made an elaborate lie about who I am in the new one). I just had to shrink to nothingness. I can’t be seen. The backseat should be enough to cover all of me.

d. All those stories you made up, which also meant my narrative must be consistent with yours. “Change my name to Kara”, “I told people at work that I have a long distance boyfriend named Marco”, “I told everyone who saw you that you were my niece” — I had to say okay because what other choice do I have then?

e. “They’re going to talk about us.” And for some reason, that equated to deleting my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts. Not that you explicitly asked for it. But because I have to value the kind of privacy that you can tolerate. That means erasing my existence in social media. Blocking friends I made, in those x mos that we weren’t together. Second guessing everyone’s motives — “She moved on. She outgrew your friendship, it happens. That’s okay” I believed you. I lost myself because I believed you more than I believed my closest friends and my family. I was forced to think that way because you were at the center of my world and it had to stay that way. I didn’t know anything outside of us.

f. Wiping the shower enclosure, fixing the bed like nobody slept on it the night before. Closing all the blinds. No bright lights near the window. Keeping all my clothes in suitcases. Remembering I cannot unpack most of my things, because nobody’s supposed to know that I lived in that house.

I had to remain unseen, all the while seeing how I’m slowly erased from my own life.

I’ve said goodbye to you a while back, but I just realized that I haven’t been able to Marie Kondo the shit out of you and I think that’s why you keep coming back.

I’m not going to thank you. You no longer bring me joy. I don’t think you ever did. Please stay in this box to be destroyed, where you truly belong. Nobody deserves to be hidden, let alone live the way you made me live. If that’s even called living.

[cpt-uptonogood]

to hallmark

is it so bad to just leave this day alone, and not call it anything but another 14th of February?

I still don’t get it.