A blog (with art sometimes) for me and my headmates. Just recently accepted that we are a System in November 2020. The body is 31 years old, but the majority of alters are in their 20s. Please bare with us as we learn more about ourselves and about OSDD. Thank you.
so “CPU” wants me to stay away from system stuff, for the most part
the couple of times i try to contact the others because i’m lonely they just don’t want to be here. sigh.
for now i’ll keep the title of the blog as the library. but a lot has changed.
our host was so focused on categorizing everyone that they were making too many assumptions.
the host became overstressed, which is understandable because we discovered they are our gatekeeper, protector, and memory holder. it was too much work for them.
strange things happened. we think our host split into multiple new alters. but the host vanished.
a lot more below the cut.
ever since then, the one who hosts the most has been a new alter who indirectly was being told not to think of the others, nor be involved in the system at all. whenever we front we share memories of recent events so it was confusing for the new one (likely a split) to suddenly going from having all that power the host had to not even being able to see into headspace. and they couldn’t hear anyone, other than this sudden overwhelming halting force when they try to think of the others or the system.
out of nowhere one of our usual fronters was triggered to front. it was Roy. he took a look around since he can see in headspace and saw something out of a horror story. but i will say that everyone has been locked away. a system friend suggested an alter is doing this to deal with stress.
since Roy discovered a little bit of what was happening we’ve finally had more than two second interactions with some of the others. in general it still seems everyone is being pushed away or forced to sleep. but myself (i don’t know who i am) and Blue (new) have fronted and so we think things may be opening up a bit now.
a fictive of Pelinal Whitestrake from The Elder Scrolls showed up and started causing a mess the day Roy returned. he was trying to “help” by hacking apart the horror scene, but we’re pretty sure the alters are in there and we didn’t want them to get hurt. not that we know if they can be hurt, but it was too violent and we didn’t know what would happen. an alter we weren’t sure was real in the past, Sir Knight, came in and fought Pelinal to keep him at bay. it seems Pelinal is stronger than him but he was dissuaded enough by Sir Knight that he halted his rampage. Pelinal even attacked Roy and it was a bad time. but we’re glad to know Sir Knight is real because he is very kind and eager to help people in need.
the next day we tried to find boundaries with Pelinal but he seems disgusted at our inaction and seems to have wandered away for now. hopefully he is not causing problems where i cannot see. i also cannot see into headspace, and get that powerful influence of being halted from doing so. Roy felt it also that day but he pushed passed it. i’m glad he did so we have a small idea of what’s going on now.
anyways we’ve mostly accepted that changes are happening and that we just have to wait and see what happens. it seems whoever the alter is that locked everyone away is extremely stressed and needs as much of a break as possible. i feel that eventually we can come to some sort of balance. we don’t know how, so that is why we are waiting to see if anything changes. such as the person in front being able to see into headspace.
until then... i would like to discover who i am. i have a general feeling i look like the body, but with rabbit ears/tail. or something similar.
a lot of changes happened very quickly. and our host became too anxious about how well they were doing.
i think i still would like to keep this blog up as a journal of sorts. i just haven't decided how. especially since we are rotating hosts lately because our host disappeared.
there is just so much we don't understand about ourselves yet. i hope if anyone sees this blog they are patient as we continue to learn about this disorder and each other.
me and Books are fond of another system’s headmate who wears a scarf and had a discussion with a third friend about how he wears it and they informed us that his headmate keeps stealing his scarf lol.
it’s warming up so i drew some more Spring-appropriate outfits for Roy, Tabby, and Winter for fun
his bf turned this into his icon and roy ‘bout died
roy is super not good with his words so he’s trying to have his feelings drawn instead. valid.
Winter also got into a relationship, but things are not going well between me and him so he hasn’t been able to front to see her very often and i really... should have waited until i got to know him before i let him do that. he was just so happy, i thought it would be okay.
Tiki, on the right! she’s the first to wake up fronting without me being able to switch with her. it was scary for both of us.
she wanted me to draw her and me as “big tiki” so the one on the left is just for fun.
(she is not a fictive, she just felt happy because she related to the character tiki)
she told me she was “Bubblegum Bitch” but we ended up calling her Ven (short for vengeance at the suggestion of a friend)
Pilot! was getting confused because i thought i was losing my identity, but i think i split with her? anyways she’s been here with me for a while and i didn’t notice somehow. and she thought she was me? confused.
Alice. she is not new, she is just Nah but i drew her closer to what she looked like, now that i’m learning more about her. she still won’t talk to me, so i just give her nicknames.
for no particular reason, i felt like writing down a list of who has the easiest time getting to front to who is most difficult to bring forward (even if they want to).
it also doubles as a list of everyone in the system (minus “robin hood”), so i will consider this a snapshot for future reference.
(the list after the line are the ones who have never fronted)
Tortoise doesn’t want to be associated with the person he was “supposed” to be. so we have been working on giving him a new look.
we’d like to give him a new name, but so far nothing feels quite right.
Roy wants to express affection physically, but is too embarrassed to type such things, so he had me draw this for him. of course. /lh
Tabby is rather fond of our friend bibbles
there’s the possibility that Tabby and i are integrating. in order to make it fun rather than scary we made a design we liked that was a fusion of us, basically.
One is new! he’s a fictive of my own character. i find that a wild concept.
figuring out how to help him has also been helping me figure things out.
we were watching a movie with some friends while One was fronting, and Roy kept interrupting with jokes
valentine’s day was interesting... so many in the system were in a good mood and it felt light and warm.
(these three lads asked someone in particular to be their valentine, and Love was having a great time.)
i was having a bad time and it felt better to draw his bullshit
please do not look under the cut if it may even bother you a little.
i’m ashamed to admit it but Mask mostly takes on the form of someone i’m in love with. i’ve never told anyone because i didn’t want to make anyone feel weird.
i don’t want to be afraid of him, though. i just want to accept it and move on.
i am not good at drawing expressions, i want to eventually get their expressions right
Tabby took a long time to talk to me about whatever was bumming her out. she ended up speaking through drawings. it was kind of fun, since we both draw.
was having a really bad time and Books made the headspace a beach for a bit. it was really nice of him, but i never finished the art.
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