What The Fuck Is Happening Here
By god it’s almost as though you can tell my life is going through another struggle as I struggle to my feet at 2am to dust off this tumblr blog and write away on it.
I’m sitting here thinking non stop about everything that I’m working on around the clock. I work two jobs, busy seven days a week. I wake up in the morning and give as much of my time to helping organize a new non-profit organization. I head to one of my jobs and work the next ten hours of my day away. I come home late and I’m tired. I want nothing to do with anyone in person and the only thing I can truly think on is just hiding away and not speaking to anyone. I want to avoid people and just sit down broadcast to my small audience on Twitch.
It’s so relaxing that it blows me away for that those almost three hours I sit there talking about just the simplest of things with total strangers who put a smile on my face every time I see them pop into chat.
Now I’m sitting here looking over everything that has happened in the past thirty days. I’ve quit smoking entirely, not even wearing the nicotine patches anymore. I have no desire to smoke again, but I’m gaining weight because my body wants to replace one addiction for another. So I catch myself staring into the mirror for god knows how long just thinking about everything.
I pay half of everything for bill in my apartment and I’m drowning to the point where I don’t go anywhere because I can’t afford to go anywhere if I want to enjoy myself and maybe spend any sort of money on myself.
I haven’t touched my computer in what feels like weeks due to the lack of drive to play any form of games. I spend my days doing research on Express Entry for Canadian Permanent Residence. If the work with the non profit really takes off then it’s been determined that I living in Canada would be hugely important.
I’m looking at college degrees now for the first time in my life. Trying to get myself together and on with my life. It’s now almost 3:30am. I am overloaded and I don’t have the balls to tell my roommates I can no longer emotionally pay for half of everything. I’m too fucking nice and I let everyone walk all over me and make decisions for me and before I know it I’m sucking dick with the best of them.