I'm Charlie-Kin

My main is SeamusHarperThis is my blog where I make posts abt things and

[crapmouth]

talking to friends abt stuff is fun, even when its not abt my ocs still rlly fun and i like it a lot

but still always really upsetting when when you try to mention smth abt ur oc,,  you just get an “oooh” or “aaaahhh” and no  other comment to the point where if you didnt reply the conversation would just literally end

[crapmouth]

:+( i wish if u didnt wanna reply to things you’d just... say that. instead of saying you will and then like,, not saying anything to the giant pile of info i sent other than “i liked ur stuff”

and it just,, becomes so obvious its going to become one of the things where...you go “i didn’t know what to say” or “i was trying to think of a good reply” and then just never ever bring it up again in any way

and it hurts extra when.... it comes right after... telling me how no you like hearing about that stuff,,, and me talking about how much i feel like im being annoying and shitty... and,,, i dunno it just stings that much more 

like i.. i get it. i really do. you’re not obligated to reply to anything,, and its unreasonable to expect you to... and i get that. i understand. and i dont want to be unreasonable...

but.... me sharing something ive been... really hesitant to.. because i didnt think youd want to hear about it...  And you going “no im definitely interested in it” and then.... basically ignoring it... is really hard...  (and theres...not really anyone else i can talk to about it.. because its.. specific to a universe that... is kinda limited to just us two...)

[crapmouth]

i just wanna draw harrison

but i feel bad for drawing harrison

and then i feel bad for talking abt harrison

but i just want to think abt harrison

so its what i want to do and what i want to feel better, but at the same time it makes me feel bad to do and think about,, at the Literal Same Time

and i just

ahhhhhhhhhh……….. 

how can something do two completely opposite things at once like that

[crapmouth]

im still doing it a lot anyway lol 

but i keep abandoning canvases bcos i hit a limit of being able to push through on it

and suddenly just Cant Look At It without feeling an awful weight in my stomach

[crapmouth]

i hate how contradictory so much of my shit is like

“i really want to draw n think about Harrison! it makes me happy!” but also “but also doing/thinking about Harrison makes me feel SUPREMELY bad”

“i feel like im selfish and that all my conversations are about me! and that i hog the spotlight in all conversations about ocs and related things! that we only talk about my ocs!” but also “i feel like maybe there’s not enough interest paid to my feelings n desire to develop things, and like maybe more attention could be paid to it,,”

“i feel like! i should be able to talk about all sorts of stuff and things (non-emotional) without it being taken as a personal attack! and without feeling like i should have to censor myself!” but also “i don’t offer enough support and opportunities to grow to other people while speaking to them, and growth of my own ideas and characters should definitely be done in my own time and space!”

[crapmouth]

oh my god i fucking minimize a LOT dont i 😬  seeing a lot of that pattern rn oof

[crapmouth]

completely new train of thought but

i kind of feel like the obvious solution to a Certain Thing is to just,, also go Two Ways with it,,  but i know that its come up before,, and the verdict always ends up being “im worried about doing it wrong/messing it up, so i have reservations about doing it” and then just,,,,,, dropping it entirely

which,, i dunno,,, i dont have the same sort of Open Format things,, but i feel like,,, things could be adapted at least,,,,, and it wouldnt be,,,, there’s nothing to mess up really and i just i dunno i guess it just makes me feel a certain way

[crapmouth]

i just wanna draw harrison

but i feel bad for drawing harrison

and then i feel bad for talking abt harrison

but i just want to think abt harrison

so its what i want to do and what i want to feel better, but at the same time it makes me feel bad to do and think about,, at the Literal Same Time

and i just

ahhhhhhhhhh........... 

how can something do two completely opposite things at once like that

[crapmouth]

love having a convo that completely derails and makes the subject go away for like weeks and then not even having it remembered by the other person

[crapmouth]

.

[crapmouth]

i keep thinking “i should just stop fucking drawing theres no real point to it,, its just a distraction”

but like,, if i did then uh, what else would i do?? my other hobbies??? my work?? lmao no thank you,, id have to put in a tiny bit more effort to do those lol

so uh

no

[crapmouth]

in that same vein, dont you just sometimes want to????? delete everything??? go through and just

delete everything

like “fuck it, maybe if i delete the source of my feelings, they’ll just go away”

[crapmouth]

god dont you just want sometimes to like

throw everything away

i hate possessions sometimes

they make me feel

dirty

materialistic????????/ 

cluttered and

selfish

i dunno its hard to explain

[crapmouth]

i keep hitting the same damn point over and over again where i just

feel bad, and weird, and selfish,,  for talking abt the same shit over and over

and like, i guess it just feels greedy especially when i cant really seem to return the time and patience quite the same way,, feels like it at least. 

and sometimes,,, there’s that really obvious moment where,,, im being sent things that are clearly meant to like,,,, make me feel better. things that i like. stuff i like to talk about........ and i just feel, so bad,, because i cant even,, respond properly, and like, it feels like,,,,,, i dont deserve that.  it feels like sm1 being forced to try and find things that interest or delight me ,,, to like,, appease me,, and i feel bad about it

its just, like,,, i hate not being in control and feeling like people just have to try and appease me. find ways to fix moods that i really shouldnt be in i guess it just feels burdensome, making ppl talk abt the same subject with me over and over,,, and to the point where its like,,,,,,, something they do to try and make me feel better,, like offering me cake,,,, 

i guess i just dont,, believe,,,,,,, that people arent sick of it, that they do want to get random fucking paragraphs of shit i just,,, dont believe it and people tell me they want to hear about it and its fine and keep doing it but it feels like a lie i feel better for a bit and then i just,, cycle back around and end up back here

[crapmouth]

why do i ?? always say turn down or actively say no to things i like when ppl offer them to me :+( like i mean,, i know why but i hate it cause i want things, and then like,, actively talk people out of doing nice things for me,,  and i just feel bad inside after and like,, why do i do that

[crapmouth]

hmmmmmm maybe if i eat something today ill stop feeling like a useless fucking failure and actually get some shit done 🤔

[crapmouth]

i forget sometimes what musings should go to twitter and what should go here

because i forget i even fucking have this holy shit

[crapmouth]

what i mean by this is

sometimes i think a thing and i go “twitter is not a good place to put this. and its not related to any of my Subject blogs. so i guess i just wont put it anywhere” when in truth i have a place for it, and its rIGHT FUCKING HERE

[crapmouth]

i hate sending smth and then immediately regretting it and having to backpedal

and then just ending up digging myself into a fucking whole where its like  “i sent a thing, i didnt actually think about it before i sent it, and now it looks like im making it a whole as fucking Thing” and  “oh shit, now because i accidentally started explaining why i shouldnt have sent the thing instead of moving past it,,, it looks like im UPSET about something,,, when really im just frustrated because i just wish i hadnt done the Oopsie! except now its!!  a whole fucking thing and! its derailed our conversation! and it looks like im Upset or Annoyed with you! when im not! and i just want to delete the whole section and pretend it didnt happen!! ! !because the more i TRY to communicate that im not upset with you, the more it seems like i AM,,, and the more likely you are to get even more upset with ME”

like i really need to learn to just fucking think things through before i tell people about them

i remember that most of the time and then every once in a while i go “haha what if i just,, talked about it Outside of my head instead of Inside for once”  and its,, pretty Predictably the result